Thoughts on Fear

[WhitePimp]

Hello all, it's been awhile!

I've been doing a lot of reading and self philosophizing recently and one thing that popped into my head that concerned a big part of the reason why I came here in the first place is the concept of fear. Fear is something that pervades every part of our lives and a lot of what I've attempted to do in the past is kill fear. Kill every single fear until I can perform any task with the utmost ease and calm.

Until today, I've agreed with that and after today I realize how huge of a mistake that principle was in my life and how much fear is essential to me living my life the way I want. After discovering this site, I operated under the premise that fear makes me weak and unable to be a man. I was attempting to overcome 21 years worth of fears and when I didnt see instant results, I would feel like I was losing the battle when it came to attracting women, and people in general and keep spiraling into a macho mindset of pushing through any fear and trying to destroy it, eventually succeeding on a decent but never consistent basis.

I was conquering fears but at the same time I was not feeling nervous anymore. I consider not feeling nervous to be a bad thing nowadays. It got to the point where I could appraoch a girl and not feel any nerves and get her number. And every time, I would not even feel anything towards the girl. She was just a body that I wanted to bang and after much self improvement I realize that that's not cool with me, and I dont want a slew of women to pass through my life without feeling or love, I want meaning in my life and relationships.

After today I realized that there's two ways to embrace fear. You can embrace it negatively and let it rule you and knock you down, or you can use it positively to create meaning in the things you do. When I play a show with my band, if I DO NOT feel those butterflies before I start playing, then I actually feel disinterested in playing that show. Those feelings of fear and nervousness are a signal that what you are doing is meaningful and not just a bunch of canned routines(aka PUA tactics) used to get the same response over and over...those feelings of fear mean that you are doing what you want and yes, there is that moment where you have to overcome that barrier and actually DO IT, but dont try to conquer fear...embrace it as the reason you have any meaning in your life and any desires. Honestly my embrace of fear has made me much more willing to attempt opportunities rather than cower from them. I still fear asking girls out, but that makes succeeding that much more worthwhile, and dammit, I'm going to make our time together meaningful.


Please discuss...I'm curious to see other people's thoughts on this.

 

[Ace of Flames]

My view on fear: I don't have time to let fear stop me. Life is short, and I need to make stuff happen. Fear isn't a worthy reason to hold me back. Sometimes, it does get the best of me, as it does all of us, but for the most part, I just can't let it keep me down.

 

[Desdinova]

Interesting post. I'm going to touch on a couple of points...

And every time, I would not even feel anything towards the girl. She was just a body that I wanted to bang and after much self improvement I realize that that's not cool with me, and I dont want a slew of women to pass through my life without feeling or love, I want meaning in my life and relationships.

I went through this as well, but I didn't really consider it a bad thing. I just had fun with women until one of us lost interest, and then I'd move on. What I found is that I didn't want a woman to just stimulate me physically, but she needed to stimulate me mentally. A hot woman without the ability to satisfy me or my needs (sexual, mental, or emotional) was just eye candy. A good looking woman is useless if her only purpose is to look good. During the times that you're not fvcking her, she's got a big zit on her face, or her eyes are puffy from allergies, what do you do with her? A woman who can stimulate me mentally will remain attractive in my eyes even if her physical appearance takes a break. As a woman gets older, those breaks get longer. She'll eventually need something other than her looks to keep you interested.

When I play a show with my band, if I DO NOT feel those butterflies before I start playing, then I actually feel disinterested in playing that show.

That's strange to me, because I get a commanding feeling when I'm up on a stage. It's like I'm there to entertain the audience, and it's my job to do it well. Why would I get nervous about something I enjoy? I just put my all into it and have fun!

When it came to fear, I felt the need to kill anything that was rediculous. I killed the fear of standing up for myself, I killed the fear of running into my ex, being up on stage, hitting the dance floor, making an ass out of myself, and the list goes on. Killing fears has made me feel like a stronger person; that I can overcome anything I put my mind to.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... Honestly my embrace of fear has made me much more willing to attempt opportunities rather than cower from them. I still fear asking girls out, but that makes succeeding that much more worthwhile, and dammit, I'm going to make our time together meaningful...

Damn good attitude. You may not have conquered fear but it sounds as if you have good control over it. This concept works on many of the self-limiting emotions and beliefs.

 

[WhitePimp]

My view on fear: I don't have time to let fear stop me. Life is short, and I need to make stuff happen. Fear isn't a worthy reason to hold me back. Sometimes, it does get the best of me, as it does all of us, but for the most part, I just can't let it keep me down.

I agree completely, and that spirit is the sort of essence my post is in. A more clear wording would be that instead of calling those feelings of apprehension "fear", I instead look at them as reasons to actually create something meaningful because those nervous feelings imply something that actually matters to me. So I don't act out of conquering fear, I act out of create meaningful life experiences...and that distinction has opened my mind to a new type of clarity I've never had before, which has actually erased true fear, and replaced it with feelings of true desire, meaning, and love.

 

[WhitePimp]

That's strange to me, because I get a commanding feeling when I'm up on a stage. It's like I'm there to entertain the audience, and it's my job to do it well. Why would I get nervous about something I enjoy? I just put my all into it and have fun!QUOTE]


To put it in a different analogy...imagine skydiving no longer giving you any thrill, wouldnt it be unnecessary to do then? Those feelings of nervousness are not out of lack of command on my instrument, but more like I'm engaging in the single most enjoyable thing I can think of and getting every possible emotion and thrill out of it!

 

[Desdinova]

Those feelings of nervousness are not out of lack of command on my instrument, but more like I'm engaging in the single most enjoyable thing I can think of and getting every possible emotion and thrill out of it!

This is becoming a really good thread. I really like your perspective of this, although it hasn't really been my experience. We just may thrive off different aspects of the activities in question.

I seem to enjoy thriving off the reaction of the party in question, whether it be an audience, or a woman. If I get a negative reaction from the audience (either from doing a bad show or they don't like the music), I'll feel like 5hit, but I'll strive to make the next one better.

It's the same with women. If she can't give me a positive response to my actions, she'll just move me to either better myself with seduction, or find a woman who is going to give me a more enthusiastic response.

It may also have to do with my upbringing. I live my life in fear of EVERYTHING - my physically abusive parent, the fear of the apocalypse being upon the world, doing horrible in school, getting beat up, made fun of, you name it. The more I eliminated fear from my life, the more positive my attitude got, the more my confidence and self-esteem improved, and I felt less overall stress.

I prefer the feeling of enpowerment and strength. It's something that I'm not accustomed to, and something that I never felt as a child. It's incredibly refreshing to feel like I can take on the world, and that I can succeed.

 

[WhitePimp]

Damn good attitude. You may not have conquered fear but it sounds as if you have good control over it. This concept works on many of the self-limiting emotions and beliefs.

Why thank you sir.:rock: The psychology behind why people limit themselves has been fascinating to me and really opened up my eyes to finding solutions to ending negative and damaging thought processes.

It's the same with women. If she can't give me a positive response to my actions, she'll just move me to either better myself with seduction, or find a woman who is going to give me a more enthusiastic response.

You nailed it right there. One of the main things that always bothered me about this site was the painstaking efforts guys would go through just to go out with girls. It seems like many of the guys are so caught up in analyzing responses and conditioning their own responses and tactics, and continuing this back and forth ad nauseum...to the point of losing all fun in meeting new people and turning it into a nervewracking, fearful experience, perpetuating feelings of failure with each successive let down.

I want to meet people and have fun experiences without all the bull**** that goes with it, if a girl feels the need to play games and act like she's on the offensive or defensive, then she's just not the right person. Being able to give up girls because they're not what I want even if they're incredib;e looking is an immensely freeing experience. I guess it comes down to just knowing what you want and weeding out what you don't, even if on the surface it seems like it is what you want.

Disarming fear is best done by not looking at it as something to run from, but as a reason to push forth and experience something you've obviously got a large amount of feeling for. I think that's conquering fear and obviously what you have worked to do all your life and succeeded

 

[insanity]

i learned a great lesson a few years ago when it came to a friend not facing his fear and taking a risk. my friend was madly in love with this girl and they were great friends. to me, it seemed like she was always giving him a good vibe to take it to the next level, but he always had an excuse. one day while we were all sitting at a pub talking about women, he mentioned to everybody that he was thinking of finally asking out this girl on a date and he wondered what everybody thought.

it wasn't the kind of answers he was looking for. most of our friends answers were "your not her type", "she likes jocks and rich guys" , "move on man, "she's alittle out of your league", etc. and he said that she was always flirty with him and they said she was flirty with everybody and thats just the way she was.

i busted in and said what do you have to lose even if you do ask her out and she says no. shes going to university in 5 months and your heading out west. if she says no than at least you'll know. if she says yes than awesome. but in the end its better to try than to not try at all. in the end he listened to the other guys advice.

fast-foward to 4 years later we all met at a new pub in town to talk about how lifes been and to my surprise the girl my friend was in love with back in the day was the bartender. she came up and started talking to us telling us her husband owned the place. anyways she started talking to my friend and half way through the conversation she said this and it crushed his heart.
she said "i use to have the biggest crush on you back then, how come we never went out?". he just answered we were good friends and i didn't want to ruin things. anyways that night i heard nothing but complaining from him that he should have made a move and not listened to the guys advice and how he should have listened to me.

the moral of the story is what do you have to lose even if the girl you like says no. at least you tried and can move on. my friend would have won but he chose to listen to everybody else and that got him nothing

 

[Ace of Flames]

Fvcking friends. Always downers.

 

[Bvbidd]

Fear is a signal that tells you your gonna be hurt. It's funny we can get it so strong just to talk to somebody. That's why it's always best to see if you can overcome the pain whatever it is. If you can't then the fear is justified.

That's why after rejections you find it easier to talk, you've already overcome the pain before your subconcious realizes it.

That's one way of looking at it, another is if your desire is strong enough that it doesn't matter what the risk is. That way is easier.

 

[RaWBLooD]

wow too much estrogen...