This is really bad... I dont know what to do..

[shock]

I have an awesome relationship with my GF. She's amazing. Now there is a problem.

Last night I ran into to subway to grab a sandwhich. She stayed in my truck. Well apparently in my glove box I had a diary. A diary which my ex-gf wrote in, and then gave it to me when she went to college. This diary basicly depicts every minute detail (funny, sad, good and bad) from the start of our relationship to the end.

Well she found it, but I didn't know it. Yet... I left her house around 9. At about 11 I get a phone call from her, telling me to come over as she has something to give me. I go over. It's the diary. She tells me to leave and to call her when I read what was inside. (at this point i'm freaking)

This diary speaks of evrything you wouldn't want a current gf to know. Everything. (pregancy scares, activites we did, sex, fights, everything you can think of) all the intimate details that goes into a year long relationship.

Now my GF is hurt. There were things I lied to her about.. Like things she didnt need to know. Example: My GF and I had to get a hotel room. She asked me if I'd ever had sex in a hotel, I said no. Well she believed it until she opened that fuc*ing book, which clearly states the ex and I had hotel sex a couple of occasions.

There are activities... Climbing, fishing, etc... that me and my gf have done. Well I did those same things with the Ex. And now my GF knows all of it, and feels like none of it is special any more.

She told me sex will never mean what it did anymore becuase of what she read.....


OKAY OKAY You guys get the gist... she's hurt, offended, whatever becuase she decided to snoop through my shi*t! My fault?? Maybe part of it. I'm the dumb shi* who left it in my glove box...but still...

So now we're over. For now she says. Until she feels good about herself again, until she doesn't feel so "disqusted" by what she read.

Now what do I do? I cant take anything back...she's done all that before too, I just dont have written proof of it. How should I handle this? Is this going to end our relationship indefinately?

 

[Docs]

That sucks...

Really...this isn't about a experience POV, it's about what'd I do.

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If I was where you were standing right now, I'd let it go over a week...maybe even two. I'd call her up for a coffee or something, we'd meet up and talk about it. I'd say how I didn't know it was in there, how everything that happened back then doesn't influence anything now, that I cared a lot about her (withhold the L word), and that you want to be with her because she's your girlfriend. End date, tell her to call me in a few days when she's done thinking about everything and whatnot.

Other then that, all I could do is hope. I might lose her, or I might not. It's out of my hands, but the best thing I did was tell her that she's my girl. It's up to her to think about it.
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Just remember, you may or may not lose her. It sucks major and I feel for you, but lifes really stupid like that. Good luck.

 

[JLW]

She's probably hurt mainly because you lied to her about things that didn't really matter. She probably feels like you broke her trust by lying to her. At least that's how I'd feel.

Just say you're sorry, and do it sincerely. Apologize once. Do it in person, and say it like you mean it. After that, say you would like to continue the relationship and you'll be more honest with her (and if you do this, you actually have to follow through, and BE MORE HONEST). Stress the fact that what you lied about were stupid little things that were insignificant. Little white lies that you said just to save her feelings.

Now, another thing: Do you really want a girl who's that distrustful of you, so untrustful that she'd LOOK THROUGH A PERSONAL DIARY? Think about that for a second. It seems like you both were in the wrong.

And finally, after you apologize, leave her alone. Don't call her, don't IM her, don't talk to her. She'll eventually give you the final verdict, after a week, or 1 day, or whatever. Just live your life as you normally would.


Best of luck to you man, it's a really ****ty situation. By the way, Docs is right. He gave some good advice. Stress the fact that all that stuff is in the PAST and you care about her and she's your girl, etc.

But I think your girlfriend is mainly mad because she feels like you lied to her, is that correct, or no?

 

[GHardy]

I'm sorry, that sucks ... there's not really anything you can do about it. No, she should not have read the diary and no you probably shouldn't have left it where she could find it. But now it's done and can't be undone. She's seen it and it's in her brain.

All you can do is give her whatever space she needs and it's up to her to decide whether she's the kind of person that can collect herself and get over it.

If you still want to be with her, then just let her know you forgive her and that she is every bit as special to you (and more) than your ex was. Maybe you should even send the diary back to the ex? As a sign to your gf that that part of your life is over and you are completely into her now? Talk to her about that and see what she says.

Good luck!

 

[insanity]

oh man...that is pretty heavy stuff. it's almost like you finding out she slept with 50 guys. you would feel pretty bad because her experience would make you feel out trumped. you would look at her differently, if she said she slept with 5 guys compared to 50. that is why you destroy anything that has to do with exs. say if you found a box contaning a picture of her ex and he was better looking and kinky photo's of them together. i'm sure you would be pissed and think twice about the relationship.

the best thing is to listen docs. the past is the past. just tell her that who in their right mind would say that they did this and that with their exs anyway. in a way your not lying to her by saying you never had sex before in a hotel. you didn't have sex with her before in a hotel....it's a whole different experience with somebody else. i'm sure she spares your feelings not bringing up her funtimes with her exs.

things look grim but maybe she will get over it

 

[shock]

Thanks for the advice guys... I feel like an idiot. And even if we do stay together, this is going to effect us both for the entirety of the relationship. She will always be comparing herself, and my actions to my previous loves. And if I do something special for her, I will always wonder if she is just thinking "I'm sure he's done this before".

 

[GHardy]

Well, yes it will have an effect on your relationship, but if this is a long-term relationship the effect will diminish as time goes on. The longer she is with you, the more the ex will fade into the background.

If you guys are together for a long time then insecurities about past relationships will fade away because she will grow more secure in how you feel about her. It's always threatening to find out that someone you care about was deeply involved with someone else. You have doubts about whether the old relationship was deeper, or whether the other person was better than you, etc. But the longer the new relationship lasts, the more the old ones fade into the past and don't matter so much.

This is bad, but if you guys can manage to get past it and move on, it's not fatal.

 

[wayword]

There were things I lied to her about.. Like things she didnt need to know. Example: My GF and I had to get a hotel room. She asked me if I'd ever had sex in a hotel, I said no

Well, the truth always comes out eventually so you might as well be a man and tell it upfront. I don't blame her for being pissed. I would too to find out my SO lied to me. You reap what you sow.

Half your lies were frivolous, anyways. Why lie about not having had hotel sex? Again, quit being a puzzy and be a MAN with no shame in your game. If you have to lie a lot, it means you are not able to be who you think you should be. If you live your life the way you feel you should, you should have far less to lie about and far more to BRAG about.

 

[MacAvoy]

I'm curious why do people dig back to dead threads and bring them back to life when they're probably no longer relevant.