This is a Classic! Was She Good or Bad? Can't Work Her Out

[djdfuser]

I was in a failed LTR for the sake of my young son. Then this girl in her late 20's (I'm late 30's) turns up at work for a short contract. A month before she was due to go home to her city, we got together. Her smile got me. She's nice. It just couldn't be stopped. I left my LTR and she finished it with her boyfriend. Yes, we both cheated on our partners for a week. First and last time I will ever cheat. Circumstances were such that it made sense to find temporary accommodation and we moved in together. Yeah, yeah. I know.

We became obsessed with each other. The sex was fvcking amazing and we did it all the time. She doted on me. I've never known affection like it. It was intense and we lasted 12 months, no sign of the sex stopping. Actually, the opposite.

But there were red flags though. And over time I discovered her low self-esteem, extreme insecurity and jealousy, childishness, temper tantrums, a history of therapy and some medication. There was also a lack of empathy, lots of projection, serious relationship baggage, a colorful sexual history and historic cheating on ex's.

She sometimes got this demonic look in her eyes when we argued. They would darken and glaze over. Like she was raging but directing it inwards. On certain days, I thought she was just simply incapable of telling the truth. The lies revolved around covering up her past and who she really was in general. She'd also dissociate occasionally and her speech would go monotonic. A darkness I sponged up that was draining. I don't want to jump to any personality disorder conclusions.

But what really annoyed me was her sense of entitlement. Basically, her jealousy drove a wedge between me and everyone else I knew, family included. I even got an underlying discomfort for wanting to spend time with my son on my own, FFS. Yet she thought it was acceptable to keep a hundred male contacts in her mobile phone. To have male 'friends' she'd confide in and meet in the future. Then she messed up big time and let slip she doesn't see what's wrong with us socializing with her ex's/f'buddies from her past and introducing them to me as just 'friends'. So I could have been stood in a bar drinking with dudes and I'm the only one who doesn't know. Fvck that. I sent her home the same day.

Seriously, the hypocrisy was fvcking staggering. I don't think she was sinister, just immature and utterly stupid. She's very intelligent in most respects.

NC for a month except her telling me she'd changed her mobile number, email address, dropped the orbiters and cleaned up her act.

The decision to send her home was one of the hardest of my life. But the toxicity and codependence that had evolved sent me under. I blame myself for not seeing I had become insecure and jealous sooner. I couldn't function properly for the first time in my life. My c0ck/heart was telling me this is the best thing ever but my gut was telling me the opposite.

I've got some serious repairs to make. She was that good.

WTF?

 

[Bokanovsky]

First of all, you've made the right choice. It may have taken you a while to figure her out, but once you did, you acted like a man and not like a pvssy, for which I commend you. Now you just need to stay the course. Do not turn into a pvssy and take her back. No matter what she may say to you, she did not clean up her act. She may alter her behaviour in the short run, but her character cannot change and she will be back to how she was in a month or two. You can take that to the bank.

 

[The_411]

You might be dating a Cluster B if ....

Sorry dude,

low self-esteem, extreme insecurity and jealousy, childishness, temper tantrums, a history of therapy and some medication. There was also a lack of empathy, lots of projection, serious relationship baggage, a colorful sexual history and historic cheating on ex's.

hallmarks of a cluster B woman.

Sounds like you've got fleas. When you are around someone who is so skilled at manipulation you begin to manifest similar behaviors. It's going to take time to recover, but the key is to realize there's something in you that need to adjust/correct otherwise you're going to get together with another one of these women. Y

ou are most vulnerable right now, so be wary.

 

[djdfuser]

Thanks, fellas.

If she is BPD or has strong traits of that or other PD's, she's high functioning. Maybe 'borderline' Borderline, I don't know. She'd never self-harmed or got suicidal from what I could see.

I can tell you she wasn't proud of her father and both parents lacked empathetic/sympathetic support and the ability to physically nurture. She had a weak sense of self and seemed more of an amalgamation of past partners than a true individual entity. She said after two weeks of separation from me that her feelings were uncertain. Like they were all rattling around in her head and she needs to be around me, grounded constantly for it all to come together.

She'd sometimes talk in a childish voice, had a thing for children's films/fairy tales/literature and had a cuddly toy she was attached to. She'd revert to the fetal position and rock under high stress. She'd take seriously what she read in women's magazines or what peers told her she should think/do (dangerous without her best interest at heart), flirted right in front of me after alcohol, was sexually impulsive after alcohol in her past and drove like a maniac, completely out of control when she was stressed. I had to scream at her to slow down more than once. She admitted to being selfish.

I concede she was a Siren, seductress, part waif. But there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING cold, unloving or frigid about her. She was un-inhibited when worked on, open minded and vulnerable. Loved being controlled. I can't get that out of my head.

 

[JoeMarron]

Some women are just incapable of being in relationships. For whatever reason life has damaged them beyond repair.

But there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING cold, unloving or frigid about her. She was un-inhibited when worked on, open minded and vulnerable. Loved being controlled. I can't get that out of my head.

Sounds like she would've made a fine fvck buddy. You would've avoided most of the drama that getting in a relationship with her brought. Of course its too late for that now. Now is the time for eternal NC so you can heal and hopefully learn from your mistakes so you won't end up in this situation again.

 

[djdfuser]

Yeah, Joe. Total NC. I still want to give her one though. Real, real bad.

 

[VladPatton]

You did the right thing. Yeah, you'll miss the sex, but eventually you'll get bored of that, too. Then what? She'll be even more deeply rooted in your life. Chalk it up to a good decision on a bad female.

Like Joe said "Some women are just incapable of being in relationships". That is all too true!

 

[Cremasta]

So you spent 12 months having great sex with a girl 10 years younger than you... then you had the strength of character to tell her to pi$$ off when you realised she was a rotten apple?

Congratulations on all counts!

 

[djdfuser]

Yeah. Actually 12 years younger. I rounded down. Thanks, mate. It means a lot to me.

It took me the last 4 months to make the decision. It hurts like hell but I was broken by the end. Banging more than every day and getting better but I couldn't hold a teaspoon.

Blissful but barbaric.