This, I dwell on.

[loving]

Motivation.

I have theory. Lots of theory. Too much theory. It has seeped into the creaks and crevises of my mind and becomes part of what I spit out.

I love to help others, but seek a banal, complaisant existance for myself.

I have been through much worse emotionally than where I am now, and the two realizations that "I am in control" and "everything is to be accepted" plus some work with Richard Bandler's DHE 2000 product lead me to increased states every day.

But thats it. Literally thats it. I live every aspect of the rest of my life in complete satisfaction with where I am and I believe I am tricking myself. I was about to type I had no desire to change, then I thought.. Well all I do is think about how to change.

The problem comes in the next step, I cannot believe in my own advice enough to follow it. I read a brilliant quote that says "Advice is what we seek when we know the answer but cannot cope with it."

I know the answer to my question it is usually the opposite of the problem, I need to develop motivation for going and getting girls.

I am not, however, at a point in my life where I can tell myself to do something I don't have to do, and still do it. This is clearly evidenced by my entire lack of a social life, purely by my choice. I mean, I receive lots of stares from girls, some of them even try to talk to me out of nowhere, try and get my attention and such, but I choose to shut myself off.

Part of me wonders if anything is even worth persuing, if the happiness I can feel is really all that better than not feeling it, and if its really worth the effort.

Its that side of me that I wanna slap the **** out of right now. But I can't, he's been running my body for all my life and knows just how to barely get by with what he wants.

He even expected me to come up out of the dumpster. All this started when I was in grade 5 and broke my foot, I retreated to the computer and associated distance from my peers with comfort or wisdom or something else, the fact is I do not know with what, but around this time I 'looked' into the future of my life, and noticed I could not see past the year I am currently living now. Something about this year's winter signals great change for me, and I hope this path I am on acts as a catalyst for my freedom.

On a side note, on Christmas of that year I passed out and saw the proverbial white light, moved towards it then realized what it symbolized and went away from it and woke up sitting in front of where I had been standing when I passed out, with no one around (my two parents) having any recollection of me passing out.

Its divine occurances like this that lead me to believe my life has some greater meaning in the grand scheme of things, and it is certainly great to believe my life is very special. Besides that, I do not know how what I just mentioned about my past relates to me now.

Back to the point at hand, I know for a fact that I am able to live my life for the rest of my life as I do now. You may say "but....", but no. The only thing that could ever definitely motivate me is a life/death or personal survival/not circumstance. I know that much about myself. I am always able to forgive others right away, and instantly forgive myself for not doing things I want to do.

My want to do these things is greatly outshadowed by my need for safety and I fear things may remain this way because this pattern is a very strong catch-22 from which I must break.

I know I want certain things in this life that I can experience (women, etc), but will not put myself in a position to get them. Furthermore, I am beginning to reach a tipping point. At this point, I know I will either have to make a choice to live life how I want and put the effort in that must be put, or sit back and let a fantasy overtake my reality as it is crushed under the pressures of comfort.

In foresight, I do not want the latter to happen, but in order to avoid it I have to find my motivation. I need to find what it is that will force me to the point where I have to make that decision. And I need to find it soon, much longer and I fear my will to choose reality i cannot cope with or make changes to will not be replaced with one where I am truly in control and free, but where I simply imagine I am.

Please, help me.

 

[Interceptor]

loving, you just have low self esteem. You appear to have a sense of unworthiness. That's why I believe you attempt to sabotage yourself, and not get out of your comfort zone.
You may also have a bit of an ego side to you, in which you don't want to see yourself fail, thus, you don't put yourself in situations or circumstances in which you may 'fail'.
I also think that you have a lot of left brain analytical tendencies, and need to focus more on action and creativity.
Since you're so young and inexperienced, you have a false sense of who you really are.
Basically, you're just a kid.
You have a high intellectual level, but often prefer to psycho analyze than just take action.

I believe you should just pursue more hobbies and go out more. Create true, real first hand experiences about yourself, rather than imagining things that really are just some creations of your mind, an illusion.

Realize that there's our imagination , and then there's actual real life experience.
There IS a difference.
Imagination is not a good source to use to reference when you come from a place of negativity.
Imagination is a source of creativity, but it depends on what kind of 'fuel' you are using.
Meaning, imagination is helpful when we want to use visualization for our future desires, not for creating false 'realities' which disempowers us.
You know, many teenagers have this romanticsm for self sabotage, and justifying their low self esteem,and 'proving' to themselves that they're failures, and so on...
but that's immaturity, not 'reality' doing the thinking for you.


Loving, you're still a young man, and you need some fathering and mentoring.


But that may have to come from inside you...

 

[Jitterbug]

Shakespeare, go to the gym, pump some iron and eat well to get that T-level up to something decent. Then you'll get the drive to stop your intellectual masturbation and actually get some work done.

Stop reading & writing. Go outside for a run.

 

[djinhell]

You know, many teenagers have this romanticsm for self sabotage, and justifying their low self esteem,and 'proving' to themselves that they're failures, and so on... you...

Right you are dude. I used to self sabotage an awful lot, and fell in love with being the outcast and being in the comfort of being a failure. I think in some ways I still suffer from it sometimes, but im working real hard on it to change.

The mind is so strange.

 

[MisterMcGee]

Stop being a boring asexual philosopher and be a fracking MAN

 

[loving]

Thanks for your effort guys. I read all the posts here and on the other forums I posted this thread on and really they all made me ask one question oflife.

Whts the point? Of any of this? If everything is mutual and the same thing adn to be accpted regardless then why is what i want even right?

Ive experienced a state about 10340928095904 times greater than that which im in now during meditation. Reading the power of now told me that theres ininitely greater possibilities, but so what?

I mentioned I have a complaisant lifestyle, and I am truthfully satisfied with it. I see no need for change because where I am now, I am getting by. I was nearly hit by a car today and literally for the life of me, could not care less.

Its just so much damn work to be happy. To be joyful and live in this beautiful life I do not see is something that could be out there, sure, but who knows what I'd have to do to get it. Things that surely, I do not want to do. I don't know why I don't want to do them, but I do know that I can survive from where I am.

It seems to me I'm depressed and comfortable, and my will against myself is too great to motivate me to change. I saw my oneitis at school today and felt nothing. She came up and talekd to me and nothing. I know it for a fact that my current mood is identical to that which i have been living in for the past few years. I came into the self-help area of learning nearly a year ago, and still I have a life I do not want, because I do not take action.

I do not know what it will take for me to take action, but I recognize one thing. Thinking about making change and not doing anything about it is suffering. As much as I seek to get by with the bare minimum possible, I am sick of suffering. In fact, I am sick of being sick of suffering.

I don't know what to do anymore. So I gave up. I told my mind you can think what you want do what you want I just dont ****ing care anymore. In fact its pretty contradictory for em to be here writing this now, but i guess there's still that little piece inside myself that thinks the answer for me exists.

Every time I have posted one of these threads, I get people saying there is no "magic pill". I assume this means that there are no words you can tell me that will fix my problem, and I must make my own decision to go out and do these things. Then is there no words you can tell me to get me to make that decision? Why am I even typing stil