This has been hurting for too long

[Thugo]

A few years ago my ex and I broke up. We were great togther, cept there was an age difference. I was younger. She really wanted to get married and have kids she was reaching 30. Well I blew it and we basically broke up but I still loved that girl to death. Still do. She wasted no time in finding another guy to marry. SO now she is married now and I still really love her. It's really depressing me. I just want to see her again but it I won't even go there since she's married. I did call her to see how she was doing, which is how I found out about the married. I told her she could call me anytime but she never did.

I emailed her a few times but got no response. I don't know if she got it. It was through that reunion site.

I dream they get divorced and she comes crawling back to me That's pathetic.

The worse thing is this happened years ago and I still can't get over her. I've banged other girls and even have a girl now, but when I close my eyes at night this is the girl I dream and yearn for. What do I do?

 

[KontrollerX]

I've found that there are some hurts in life we just have to accept and deal with and move on the best we can.

Others might tell you to seek therapy and thats a viable option if you can't deal with the pain and still others would tell you that sucking up the pain and moving on is part of being a man but I say pain is just an unfortunate part of the human condition and no amount of therapist b.s pills they throw at you or drugs and alcohol you throw at yourself to numb the pain will ever fully get rid of it.

(not saying you do drugs and alcohol to numb your pain but many people with horrible pain do this so I thought I'd throw it out there.)

Its there and its not likely going to ever leave you completely.

You just have to work on making that pain less severe until it becomes very slight and just a scar you suffered in life.

Just one of many my friend as we all have.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm going to tell you what I was told myself when I was in this situation.

How many years has it been since you broke up?

Now, you wasted that many years crying over this breakup. You've focussed your emotional energy on a woman who doesn't even exist in your life! She isn't coming back, so why should you continue to waste more years crying over it? Are you going to grow old and die lonely because you can't get over the fact that she married some other dude?

You've spend WAY too much time crying over this situation. It's time to quit beating a horse carcass and move onto new and exciting prospects!

Go listen to the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John.

 

[driver55]

Desdinova said it best...

You got one life to live man. Don't waste it over the memories of a past relationship. I have been there I know. Life is too precious for you to waste it. Trust me when you get past this and realize the reality of the situation...you will be a more sane man and be happier for it. Good luck.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Not having her is what makes you want her. It's psychological. If you had been forced into getting married and having children with that older woman, you might very well be miserable. You are idealizing that outcome.

There are over 3,445,000,000 women in the world. The one you are hung up on is not that special. If you are not happy with what you have now, keep looking.

 

[LJC]

Here's the problem with a good thing: when you sort of miss it, it seems to get better with memory, doesn't it? Even (or especially) when you're long over it and know it may never come to be again. These memories tend to become a standard model for happiness in life while the esculation from good to better to great isn't noticed, and it becomes harder and harder to achieve that standard in reality, which is so obviously noticed you think about it constantly.

But that's not the worst part. The worst part is when you finally find something/someone good enough to compete with the greatness of your memories. You end up ruining it because you handle it with kiddie gloves hoping not to screw it up, which is exactly what screws it all up.

The point here is that there is more to do then just get over it and move on. You have to sort of prepare yourself not to treat the next one that makes you feel this way as if it's your second/last chance to make right with the last one.

 

[Thugo]

I'm going to tell you what I was told myself when I was in this situation.

How many years has it been since you broke up?

Now, you wasted that many years crying over this breakup. You've focussed your emotional energy on a woman who doesn't even exist in your life! She isn't coming back, so why should you continue to waste more years crying over it? Are you going to grow old and die lonely because you can't get over the fact that she married some other dude?

You've spend WAY too much time crying over this situation. It's time to quit beating a horse carcass and move onto new and exciting prospects!

Go listen to the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John.

This happened over 5 years ago. I should be over it. But I'm not.
I just can't understand why a woman who spends every day with soemone for over a year, talks about marriage. But as soon as I say I want to wait a few years, she leaves me for another guy and they end up getting married. He's not rich or anything like that. I wonder if they are in a happy marriage now. Think I'll ever hear from her again?

 

[Thugo]

double post

 

[WestCoaster]

There's some good posts on "oneitis" on this site. Do a search for the term. Rollo Tomassi's post on it is the best. I've been where you have, not quite as bad as I got over it a lot quicker, but I've been there and can say it's a bad place to be. You've bought into the Soul Mate myth.

I read in a magazine today (Psychology Today) that talked about the Soul Mate myth, saying, "Asking one person, a Soul Mate, to fulfill all your needs and make you happy is like buying only one stock and hoping it's not Enron."

Don't call her, don't e-mail her, try not to think about her. Date as many as you can ... the Soul Mate myth is tough to crush. But I suggest you start crushing ASAP.

Good luck.

 

[Thugo]

There's some good posts on "oneitis" on this site. Do a search for the term. Rollo Tomassi's post on it is the best. I've been where you have, not quite as bad as I got over it a lot quicker, but I've been there and can say it's a bad place to be. You've bought into the Soul Mate myth.

I read in a magazine today (Psychology Today) that talked about the Soul Mate myth, saying, "Asking one person, a Soul Mate, to fulfill all your needs and make you happy is like buying only one stock and hoping it's not Enron."

Don't call her, don't e-mail her, try not to think about her. Date as many as you can ... the Soul Mate myth is tough to crush. But I suggest you start crushing ASAP.

Good luck.

Thanks

What if they did get a divorce, do you think she'd contact me?

I'd never take her back for marriage, but def other things.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Sir, you are a fool!!!!

Do you think she cared about you?? "NO"!!!! She wanted to get married to a man - ANY man!!!! She was ready and ANY man would do!!

THE MAN dictates when to get married NOT the woman!!!!!!!!!!!! The hell with her!! You were and are NOT her concern - you look desperate and like a a fool being around those who do NOT want you -- go your own way and leave her alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Thugo]

Sir, you are a fool!!!!

Do you think she cared about you?? "NO"!!!! She wanted to get married to a man - ANY man!!!! She was ready and ANY man would do!!

THE MAN dictates when to get married NOT the woman!!!!!!!!!!!! The hell with her!! You were and are NOT her concern - you look desperate and like a a fool being around those who do NOT want you -- go your own way and leave her alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's what I did. When she left me I had no contact for 5 years. So stilll missing her, I said what the hell let me call her. She married the guy. It's great that she and her hubby live 20 minutes from me. I couldn't help but drive by their house. It's a dump seriously. And they have not had children together, which was one of her huge peevs. Having kids. I often wonder if she really happy, if she made the right choice. She's a good girl and very faithful, so I wouldn't expect an affair or anything (unfortunately).

 

[KarmaSutra]

What if they did get a divorce, do you think she'd contact me?

I'd never take her back for marriage, but def other things.

I'm going to be as nice about this as possible . . .

You sir, are a jackass. Sling the noose around your neck and then kick out the stool. It's the only way you'll get over this cvnt.

 

[Thugo]

You have a serious problem. What makes it worse is that you're fully aware of this problem and you can't do anything to 'save' yourself. You can go ahead and dream all you want. Dream that she'll divorce her husband. Dream that she's unhappy. Dream that she secretly wants you back. Dream that she's regretting every second of choosing her husband over you. I know it's nice to have such dreams. It's also great that you're so passionate about something. But here's the stupid thing about it all. You dream things and you're passionate about things that you have no control over. All that you desire is in her hands. If you're willing to leave it all up to her, that's your decision to make.

If you're going to continue to choose the path of hope (and consequentially unhappiness because she ain't making your dreams come true yet), don't involve other people. If you've shared this with your friends, I'm sure they're sick as hell at listening to you drone on about her. You don't even have to share this. Who wants to hear you ask for advice where the answer is so obvious but you just can't apply it?

yeah, end even if she leaves her husband who says she comes to be. She probably met another guy.

It's amazing how women will spend almost every day with you for over a year, saying I love you, giving you BJ's, sex, whatever, then at the blibk of an eye they don't ever want to see you again because you didn't give them what they wanted right there.

Oh and her last words to me were "I Will always love you"

Hah

 

[Desdinova]

I find it absolutely unbelievable how you can't shut up about her.

But as soon as I say I want to wait a few years, she leaves me for another guy and they end up getting married.

Women know they need to secure a man before their value goes down the 5hitter. When women enter their 30s, their looks start going downhill, and their ability to mother children gets slimmer. They hear their biological clocks ticking, and they become hell bent on securing a man to start a family with. Many times, they'll forget about having a husband and use men just to get pregnant.

You ended up in the crossfire of this whole thing.

What if they did get a divorce, do you think she'd contact me?

Why the hell would you want a woman with deteriorating looks, sagging t1ts, and a camel toe that someone else has stretched out?

Oh and her last words to me were "I Will always love you"

You must realize that love is NOT everlasting. It can fade in and fade out, but it does NOT last forever.

 

[Latinoman]

This happened over 5 years ago. I should be over it. But I'm not.
I just can't understand why a woman who spends every day with soemone for over a year, talks about marriage. But as soon as I say I want to wait a few years, she leaves me for another guy and they end up getting married. He's not rich or anything like that. I wonder if they are in a happy marriage now. Think I'll ever hear from her again?

This is very pathetic.

She dumped you five years ago. She is now 35...married...possibly with kids.

She is NOT the same woman you are imagining. Another thing...I wouldn't be surprised if she had an affair with that other guy. But then again, maybe I'm just speculating.

I do know one thing...if you continue trying to contact her...she could put some kind of restraining order. That will make you a stalker. And let's not forget she now has a man...which duty is to protect her.

She is the past. Five years is a long time when it comes from going in the late 20s (or 30) into the mid 30s.

As I said: she is NOT the same woman you remember.

 

[Latinoman]

That's what I did. When she left me I had no contact for 5 years. So stilll missing her, I said what the hell let me call her. She married the guy. It's great that she and her hubby live 20 minutes from me. I couldn't help but drive by their house. It's a dump seriously. And they have not had children together, which was one of her huge peevs. Having kids. I often wonder if she really happy, if she made the right choice. She's a good girl and very faithful, so I wouldn't expect an affair or anything (unfortunately).

Dude...she made her decision.

She is not your daughter and she is not your mom...so who cares if she is happy? Seek you own happiness!

Wishing somebody else bad things in life...so you can have that person...is pretty pathetic.

 

[Vulpine]

If I step back and look at Thugo's situation, this is what I see:

Thugo doesn't have any women in his life right now.
Thugo got on this site because he thought he had a problem with women, but doesn't recognize his AFC behavior yet.
Since Thugo is an AFC and without any women in his life, he is stuck at home feeling sorry for himself fantasizing about the "ones that got away" (likely while he's rubbing one out).

Thugo, you'll never forget about the one's that got away. The pain stops, but you never forget. Once you realize that they are only people, and those people you will never see again, then it's a matter of realizing that you need to wash the vaseline off your hands, grab a pen and your car keys, hit the door and not come back until you have 5 phone numbers. When you start reaching for the vaseline and thinking of an ex-wife again - grab a pen and the car keys and not come home until you have 5 more phone numbers.

With 10 phone numbers, surely you'll have much more to think about than "oh boo-hoo, she's over me and married to another guy."

Plus, you're never too old to do the boot camp.

If you really, really, need to fantasize, try to imagine YOUR perfect woman - she can't be anyone you've met or seen. Imagine.... long black hair, B1/2 cup, about 5'4", hourglass figure - not a toothpick, loves coffee - not tea, favorite color: red, enjoys a 40 oz of beer - but only around a campfire when noone's looking, warm deep voice - not squawky, mmm.... uh... whoops.... I mean YOUR dream girl, then go out and find her the next day. Use the imaginary girl as a motivation, but not an absolute.

"Guys, if you died right now, what do you wish you had done with your life?" "Built a house." "Painted a self-portrait." "Got over my ex-wife."

 

[Thugo]

This is very pathetic.

She dumped you five years ago. She is now 35...married...possibly with kids.

She is NOT the same woman you are imagining. Another thing...I wouldn't be surprised if she had an affair with that other guy. But then again, maybe I'm just speculating.

I do know one thing...if you continue trying to contact her...she could put some kind of restraining order. That will make you a stalker. And let's not forget she now has a man...which duty is to protect her.

She is the past. Five years is a long time when it comes from going in the late 20s (or 30) into the mid 30s.

As I said: she is NOT the same woman you remember.

I'm not harassing the woman. I called her one time after 5 years no contact. left a message. She called me back. Her choice.

I terrible thing is I begged her to come back to me when we broke up.. ugggg ... hey we all do it once right?

BTW I don't think she ever had kids. I don't think she can due a biological problem. She had a miscarriage at 22. The man she left me for had a 4 year old daughter. HMmmmm the exact age her daughter WOULD have been. I think she wanted to be a mom...albeit a step mom. I would still like to hear from her once day. It would be nice if she just called to say hey.

 

[Thugo]

If I step back and look at Thugo's situation, this is what I see:

Thugo doesn't have any women in his life right now.
Thugo got on this site because he thought he had a problem with women, but doesn't recognize his AFC behavior yet.
Since Thugo is an AFC and without any women in his life, he is stuck at home feeling sorry for himself fantasizing about the "ones that got away" (likely while he's rubbing one out).

Thugo, you'll never forget about the one's that got away. The pain stops, but you never forget. Once you realize that they are only people, and those people you will never see again, then it's a matter of realizing that you need to wash the vaseline off your hands, grab a pen and your car keys, hit the door and not come back until you have 5 phone numbers. When you start reaching for the vaseline and thinking of an ex-wife again - grab a pen and the car keys and not come home until you have 5 more phone numbers.

With 10 phone numbers, surely you'll have much more to think about than "oh boo-hoo, she's over me and married to another guy."

Plus, you're never too old to do the boot camp.

If you really, really, need to fantasize, try to imagine YOUR perfect woman - she can't be anyone you've met or seen. Imagine.... long black hair, B1/2 cup, about 5'4", hourglass figure - not a toothpick, loves coffee - not tea, favorite color: red, enjoys a 40 oz of beer - but only around a campfire when noone's looking, warm deep voice - not squawky, mmm.... uh... whoops.... I mean YOUR dream girl, then go out and find her the next day. Use the imaginary girl as a motivation, but not an absolute.

"Guys, if you died right now, what do you wish you had done with your life?" "Built a house." "Painted a self-portrait." "Got over my ex-wife."

Thanks.. I do have a girl now and I've had them since. But this one was special. She really was. I feel I made a mistake letting her go and I think we would have had a beautiful thing if I didn't screw up. Ther worst part is when you dream about them and you are together and everything is great ..... uggggh then you wake up.