While most of the young divorcees Canvas spoke to rarely see or speak to their exes, Helena McAlpine, 31, has a hard time explaining the complex nature of her ongoing relationship with her husband. She says she has no regrets about marrying her "soulmate". In fact, they're about to have dinner together.
When she met Brett in England — where they were both working for British Telecom — she'd recently broken up with the father of her 3-month-old daughter, Shannon. Most of her peers in the English town she lived in were hitched by 21; her parents expected she'd do the same.
"I remember thinking how lucky I was to find a nice man who wasn't a fly-by-night character," says the former C4 music TV host, recalling how Brett didn't hesitate in helping to raise her daughter.
They married 18 months after they met, and Helena and Shannon moved to New Zealand, Brett's homeland, setting up home in Te Atatu, west Auckland.
But a year later, just as she'd begun to establish a life for herself, Helena returned to England for a wedding and was tempted to cheat on her husband. Helena says waning chemistry, the couple's 12-year age gap and personality differences were partly to blame. They separated shortly afterwards. Seven years on, although they don't live together, sleep together or consider themselves a couple in the traditional sense, Helena refers to Brett as her husband rather than a good platonic friend. Shannon, who was enrolled at the local Te Atatu school, still lives with her step-dad.
So has she managed to move on? It's hard to tell. Helena has had three relationships since Brett, yet doubts she'll ever marry again. Will they get divorced?
"We've never talked about it, because that's how close we are. And we're embarrassed because we made that promise in front of our family and friends.
"I know it sounds misty and unclear but I know I married the best man I've ever met. The proof is that we're still dedicated to one another, we're just not husband and wife [living together]."
In January this year they were officially separated in order to dissolve businesses and sell the house, "to make it legal", she says.
The guilt and shame of the failed union has weighed heavily on Helena, who says she kept the separation a secret from her parents for four years. Because she and Brett were on the other side of the world, it made it easy to keep up the deception, at least by phone.
Heartbreak aside, there's a clear sense she has failed to live up to her parents' expectations — after all it's her sister who has the "dream life," she says, in that she's happily married with children.
While McAlpine doesn't regret the marriage, she suspects people in their early 20s get married for the wrong reasons.
"If a relationship is meant to last, there should be no rush."
As a life experience, divorce is not all bad. Those who accept responsibility, says Whitney, rather than blaming the other person, are less likely to repeat mistakes in future relationships. Each of the young divorcees Canvas spoke to blamed immaturity for getting married in the first place but remained philosophical and positive about their futures.
For Lex Perry, getting married was the best "accidental" thing that could have happened to him financially. Rather than selling the marital home, he now rents it out, and has gone on to buy another. The end of his relationship also encouraged him to travel.
"I think we were both fairly naive in terms of how much of the world we'd really experienced and seen so for me actually getting divorced was quite liberating in a lot of ways. I went out and lived with a mate and had a bit of fun."
Natalie's faith in marriage is still strong, and Christy is still hopeful she'll one day marry the right person.
"After all this time I still hold it up as a thing I want the most but I think what I want is what it represents: to be settled and to be in a committed relationship. I think I am a really different person. Between 24 and 30 you change so much that it would have taken a huge amount of work I wasn't prepared to put in to keep that relationship together. I don't understand how people who get married young manage to stay together when you're changing so much. I have nothing but admiration for those who do."[/B]
When she met Brett in England — where they were both working for British Telecom — she'd recently broken up with the father of her 3-month-old daughter, Shannon. Most of her peers in the English town she lived in were hitched by 21; her parents expected she'd do the same.
"I remember thinking how lucky I was to find a nice man who wasn't a fly-by-night character," says the former C4 music TV host, recalling how Brett didn't hesitate in helping to raise her daughter.
They married 18 months after they met, and Helena and Shannon moved to New Zealand, Brett's homeland, setting up home in Te Atatu, west Auckland.
But a year later, just as she'd begun to establish a life for herself, Helena returned to England for a wedding and was tempted to cheat on her husband. Helena says waning chemistry, the couple's 12-year age gap and personality differences were partly to blame. They separated shortly afterwards. Seven years on, although they don't live together, sleep together or consider themselves a couple in the traditional sense, Helena refers to Brett as her husband rather than a good platonic friend. Shannon, who was enrolled at the local Te Atatu school, still lives with her step-dad.
So has she managed to move on? It's hard to tell. Helena has had three relationships since Brett, yet doubts she'll ever marry again. Will they get divorced?
"We've never talked about it, because that's how close we are. And we're embarrassed because we made that promise in front of our family and friends.
"I know it sounds misty and unclear but I know I married the best man I've ever met. The proof is that we're still dedicated to one another, we're just not husband and wife [living together]."
In January this year they were officially separated in order to dissolve businesses and sell the house, "to make it legal", she says.
The guilt and shame of the failed union has weighed heavily on Helena, who says she kept the separation a secret from her parents for four years. Because she and Brett were on the other side of the world, it made it easy to keep up the deception, at least by phone.
Heartbreak aside, there's a clear sense she has failed to live up to her parents' expectations — after all it's her sister who has the "dream life," she says, in that she's happily married with children.
While McAlpine doesn't regret the marriage, she suspects people in their early 20s get married for the wrong reasons.
"If a relationship is meant to last, there should be no rush."
As a life experience, divorce is not all bad. Those who accept responsibility, says Whitney, rather than blaming the other person, are less likely to repeat mistakes in future relationships. Each of the young divorcees Canvas spoke to blamed immaturity for getting married in the first place but remained philosophical and positive about their futures.
For Lex Perry, getting married was the best "accidental" thing that could have happened to him financially. Rather than selling the marital home, he now rents it out, and has gone on to buy another. The end of his relationship also encouraged him to travel.
"I think we were both fairly naive in terms of how much of the world we'd really experienced and seen so for me actually getting divorced was quite liberating in a lot of ways. I went out and lived with a mate and had a bit of fun."
Natalie's faith in marriage is still strong, and Christy is still hopeful she'll one day marry the right person.
"After all this time I still hold it up as a thing I want the most but I think what I want is what it represents: to be settled and to be in a committed relationship. I think I am a really different person. Between 24 and 30 you change so much that it would have taken a huge amount of work I wasn't prepared to put in to keep that relationship together. I don't understand how people who get married young manage to stay together when you're changing so much. I have nothing but admiration for those who do."[/B]
