The ways I was a chump and failed.

[Muppet]

Just recently broke up with a LTR gf of 2 years, we knew eachother for a year before we started going out and were good friends, told her everything ect. One day it just clicked and we starting going out, after a month we broke up because it was a bit to much for her all at once, I tend to be a bit umm.. needy.

Well we started going back out and then hit the 2 year mark on June 15th, and now we are broken up, looking back on things I think it was a lot my fault, I called her pretty often, when I didnt she would call me and be all happy, but if I kept calling her she did not sound quite so happy, I had a real hard time not calling her, I would get worried, nervous and could not think of anything else other than calling her(think I have anxiety or something)

We are fairly differnt, she is a social butterfly and I do ok with only a few friends, I mostly spent my time playing games online, I did not fit in well with her friends cause I had no idea what to talk about, I tried and I really wanted to be on of thouse outgoing guys that can be the life of a party, but I suck at it quite bad.

We broke up on good terms, not my idea and it is tearing me apart because I thought all was going pretty good untill one day, she is not happy with her life in general and I feel I just got the short end of the stick because of it, I think there were many things I could of done differnt, but I spoiled her, made her breakfast, bought he a laptop, gave her a CC, payed for a crapload of things, she did feel very very bad about how hurt I was, so it atleast shows she cares.

I tried to go out the other night with some friends to try to forget about her but all I could do was think about her and how much I missed her in my arms, it sucks so bad, my heart is almost always pounding(again I think anxiety) I have never been able to deal with these things well, and the more I think about what I did wrong the more it sucks. I even had a girl all over me the other night that I pushed away.

 

[joekerr31]

how old are you? (just wondering).

1) your an introvert and shes an extrovert. those pairings never work well.

2) introverts are VERY good at being socially impressive when it comes to 1:1 conversations. which is how you got her to fall for you. but then it became a game of who was going to suck who into the others world - ie. would you blossom into an extrovert or turn her into an introvert (a doomed scenario if there ever was one). these scenarios often happen because extroverts don't realize they are dealing with an introvert. all they know is 'wow, that was a great conversation. this guys cool.' then they start dating and realize 'damn, he doens't enjoy partying the way i do. this sucks.'

3) you have to understand that women assess their value by the value their man has. so if you are an introvert, odds are you are well read, a thinker, etc. so you better find a woman who appreciates those things. an extroverted woman is likely to be drawn more to extroverted men with social status - she wants to be taken out all the time with her 'catch' on her arm. she could care less how smart you are or what books you've read or that documentary on bbc about the universe - she gets her thrills from social interactions.

4) when she says she feels bad for hurting you, please please please, take that with a grain of salt. while she's telling you that on one hand, she's out finding your replacement (if she hasn't already). at the end of the day she dumped you - she is no longer your ally. she is no longer looking out for your best interest.

5) you sound like you were MUCH too needy. you were the woman in the relationship. and now shes running for the hills (no matter how politely she puts it). she's assessed your long term potential and wants nothing to do with you - THATS REALITY. bitter and harsh i know, but its life. what you have to do now is figure out how who you want to be and the life you want to live and go get it. then when the next woman comes along she'll be along for the ride of her - not merely sitting at the bus stop with you.

5) blowing your money on a chic doesn't get you anywhere. in my experience the things that keep a chic interested in you have nothing to do with money.

6) life is tough. you're goign to get kicked in the balls more than not. use every disaster as an opportunity to grow and become better and stronger.

7) you need to totally forget this woman. i mean, even though she dumped you, you have to get it through your head that this is in your best interest anyway. and that had she not dumped you, YOU probably should have dumped her. because you need to grow, and having a comfort blanket at your side ain't going to help you do that.

8) once you accept that its over and that you are NEVER going back to her, EVER, you then need to start dating other women. hell, date 10 of them. imagine women are like cars. you want to buy a car and someone comes along and says 'hey buddy, look, instead of buying this car i'm goign to make you the deal of a lifetime. why don't you test drive these 20 models first! then, when you know which one you like the most, you can lay down your hard earned cash and buy it." test drive as many women as you want until you find one that fits the bill. even if a woman doesn't seem like shes the one for you right off the bat, take her out to dinner. if you really dont like her then dont go out on another date.

take this obstacles you've been given and crush it. crush the f*cking thing through your will to live life to the fullest.

 

[Muppet]

Thanks for the tips, and I am 25. 26 in 2 months.

 

[joekerr31]

oh one other antedote. i was out with this woman not to long ago.

near the beginning of the date i already knew i was goign to toss this one aside. she wasn't high quality in my opinion.

anyway, during dinner she tells me that she recently got out of a relationship. and she goes on about how she wasn't really in to the guy, but they had been friends for a long time and since they hit 30 they decided, hey, let's get together.

then she proceeds to tell me how it just wasnt working and how he basically had 'issues' and went 'nuts'. so she ended it. and how he still calls her with his problems etc. and how shes told him she cant help him and he needs to get help.

so don't delude yourself, these 'caring' chics don't give a f*ck at all. this chic wanted to suck my d*ck more than anything and she basically trashed her ex as a way of trying to stroke my ego (ie. he was a loser, but i want to f*ck you).

i was pretty disgusted and even at the end of the night when she invited me up to her place, i declined. the look on her face was priceless. i mean, she was completely stunned that she was opening the door WIDE open and i basically said 'naw, don't think so."

but anyway, i digress.

when she was telling me this story what i was thinking was how i'd love to have 30 minutes with this ex of hers and point out to him how idiotic it is to let this woman, this low quality woman, mess up his head like this. he's probably stewing there wondering what shes doing etc. - and here i am tossing her back into the ocean because its clear to me shes a rotten fish.

and trust me dude, theres going to be some guy like me having dinner with your ex, and shes going to yack about how her last boyfriend was too needy etc. - women do this as a way of 1) saying they were too good for him (trying to make themselves a prize) and 2) offering the guy they are dating a chance to stroke his own ego (most guys say sh*t like "ya, guys liek that as so pathetic' - to make themselves look tough).

anyway, chin up and back in the fight soldier.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

good, good post, joekerr31. I especially appreciated your point about introverts and extroverts not working out. Finally! Clearly, opposites may attract, but they are NOT compatible. I've had numerous experiences with extroverts who are wowed by my "deep and reflective" nature and yet don't understand why it's hard to pull me out of my world or enjoy partying. (My recent oneitis described me as "a little stiff" and "quirky").

Muppet (great name, btw!) - it's taken me years to accept that i am introverted and it's ok that i don't prefer others' company very often and i certainly don't enjoy group situations. The sooner you accept your introverted self (and maybe you already have) the more fulfilled and content you will be. We introverts can be mesmerized by flirty, loud, and charming extroverted women but eventually, we will become disillusioned with all that noisy charm and realize that they don't have the level of depth we need to establish meaningful connections that LTR's demand.

As for neediness...i've been thinking about this lately. Why are we introverted men needy? We know we are happy doing our own thing and yet after we meet a new chick, all of the sudden, we're no longer the relaxed, mentally-stimulated, curious-about-the-world, self-contained, self-entertaining people we have always been. I think a good possible explanation for this is that we have been trained to think we need other people and this cultural message of the intense neediness of love relationships is something we should be feeling. And yet, when we are honest, we realize that no woman can better the feeling we get when we are on top of our introverted game. We must learn to see women as enhancements, not replacements. They serve A function (love and biology) but they don't serve EVERY function. Also, we introverts have a huge inner world that we want to share with a woman who can appreciate our thoughts and emotions. We have a need for our inner world to be known and that can drive us into romantic anxiety. I've felt that as well. Funny thing is, all the girls i felt romantic anxiety over were, in the end, boring. We have a huge inner world and it takes a heckuva woman to compete. Extroverted women aren't going to do it.

Hope this helps...

 

[squirrels]

Sounds like you need to get out some before you start worrying about girls. Define YOURSELF first.

 

[decades]

Its not about being an introvert and dating an extrovert. It's about Neediness. You are too needy for women. They can sense when we need them and that's when things go off. When we aren't needy for "them", our relationships with women "flow". Work for the "flow".

 

[Muppet]

GtarPlayr,
You made a very good point, over all she was a bit boring, I like camping, hikeing, walking outside, she was more of a goto the bar get **** faced, or sit home and do nothing kinda person. I would be wide awake early in the morning no matter what time I went to bed and she would always want to sleep in. We did have some really good times though and nothing was more relaxing then relaxing in bed watching a movie with her.
BUt I guess things change, soon I should be becoming a fireman for the City here and I think that will change my life a lot, i will finaly have a career and not just a job.

 

[Obsidian]

wow man: you bought her a f*cking laptop? What the hell is wrong with you? Be glad you broke up with this lady; your accountant will thank you!

Seriously, it'll probably take you a while to get over your one-itis. You need to get over it, of course, but most likely it'll take about a month (rough estimate) before you start feeling a lot better. Remember this important teaching -- Failure does not consist of being single; failure is being part of an unhappy relationship. You're better off alone than 1. dating a girl with low interest level, 2. somehow convincing her to marry you, 3. having her lead the partnership while you act like a wuss, and then 4. losing half your assets when she divorces your ass in five-ten years.

You sound like you haven't read much of the DJ Bible. I highly recommend the Book of Pook. Pook will strengthen your heart, purify your soul, expand your mind, and recreate all things new! (link at the bottom of the page)

If you're 25 already, just thank God you're learning these lessons as soon as you did. You're getting too old to keep living life as a chump. Your new life begins now.

Btw, chicks dig firemen.

 

[Play the Game]

Yea dude it sucks... but you'll get over it.
Most people here were in your position at one point in their life.

I actually bumped into my one-itis that brought me to this forum a long time ago. And you know what, i had changed a lot since i knew her... thanx mostly to this forum.

I'd been going to the gym, improved my dress style, and met new people. When she saw me, i was with this drop dead gorgeous blonde... way hotter than she could ever hope to be. I could go into details, but all that matters is the end result. I had improved myself and become better than her, even though she'd dumped me. And now i'm no longer the one who feels regret that i'm no longer with her... but i bet she does.

Don't let yourself become a loner because you think you're an introvert. You don't have to be an introvert. You can be whatever you WANT to be. We're all on a journey to find our true selves.

You can talk to people and be friendly. You just need to stop putting up that wall between yourself and others and stop being LAZY. Make a goal of being a bit more friendly to people everyday. Talk to that random person that seems friendly and you'll see it's really not that hard. Make a goal to go to the gym instead of playing video games. They're such a waste of time.

Strive to be what you wish to become. It is within you.




Do read Pook's work it is pretty life changing stuff. I remember when he used to post on this forum couple years back.
I still have a copy of "Aphorisms" by him in my drawer.. Here's a link to it.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=77960

 

[bigappledj]

I didn't even read the entire post, but I respect anyone who admits to having a chump side. We all do. It is like an evil little spirit that is always hanging over your head.

 

[Obsidian]

quite right that most of us still struggle, big apple, but this guy has some serious problems. Wasting his life playing online games to the extent that he can't socialize with others? I get on the computer plenty, but rarely will i let it detract from my social life when I could be hanging out with real people instead. Even the Greak One, Pook, plays video games! But you should use games to boost your happiness, not obsess over them at the expense of other important work/activities.

And buying her a computer?...

http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/Downloads/The Book of Pook.pdf

Read the link, Muppet, and the scales shall fall from your eyes! Be blind no more.

 

[speakeasy]

joekerr31, good posts man!