The ultimate ****-test?

[kandyass]

Hey all,
what do you guys reckon about this situation...LTR who has had depression for last year has decided she is so unhappy with her life ( but apparently not our relationship-although she says the depression affects that as well-and don't I know it, have spent a ****-load of time supporting and comforting and yes, allowing some occaisional outrageous behaviour to let slip)
that she needs a break/holiday and is going o/s to stay with a female friend for...she doesn't know how long...until she feels happy and better about her life...

Now, given that I have done all that is humanely possible to help her through this time (whilst also trying not to be an AFC) I have sort of conceded defeat and told her that if she needs to go, she needs to go but have made it clear I am really hurting over this.

This is especially so since we have been getting closer recently and have just come back form an awesome short holiday in the country.

However, my first instinct to the news she doesn't know how long she will be is to NEXT her big time. This would be like chopping off an arm or a leg as the relationship has been developing and we are very close. She wants to wait and 'see what happens' and thinks splitting up is being too hasty in that she may be gone for only a month or two (she can stay for at least six months).

Apart from feeling absolutely devasted (how can you avoid oneitis in an LTR!?) I'm starting to involuntarily shut-down emotionally...don't want to see her as much, don't feel as affectionate, and maybe this is significant...I'm getting really intolerant of her occaisonal bad behaviour.

So guys, apologies if this all seems like a mess but I guess my question is this the ****-test of all time? Or is it just a painfull part of reality?

I'm feeling like I'm maybe missing something here...that I'm being way too AFC...something just ain't right...in that if I just go along with her plans and act like its all fine and then say "Yeah, let's just see what happens" I'll be left missing her badly and unable to get on with my life.

Any advice/ analysis on handling this would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[Heretolearn]

how old are you both?

You have been with this woman for a little while. Would you marry her (not now but in the future - why or why not?


If there is no chance of marriage then move on and she can have her time alone.

regardless focus on your life not hers!

 

[MightyMate]

Id next her.

 

[MacAvoy]

I would next her w/ the explanation that you've already tried to support her through this but you need to move on w/ your life cuz she is not ready to give back in a loving relationship. She needs to focus on getting her life in order. Tell her that if she ever gets it back in order, you would consider gettting back together.

This way you are still being supportive considering she is your ltr g/f but also doing what is best for yourself. Your supportiveness in the past has started to go beyond the line of AFC.

If you continue on your current path, she will walk over you and take advantage of your AFCness. You need to get control of your life and the relationship, right now she has the power. Remember you are the prize, she needs to realize that. In fact that may be what she needs to push her out of her depression, the realization that she has the prize and is about to lose it.

 

[Desdinova]

LTR who has had depression for last year has decided she is so unhappy with her life ( but apparently not our relationship-although she says the depression affects that as well-and don't I know it, have spent a ****-load of time supporting and comforting and yes, allowing some occaisional outrageous behaviour to let slip)
that she needs a break/holiday and is going o/s to stay with a female friend for...she doesn't know how long...until she feels happy and better about her life...

This is a woman's way of breaking up with you. I've gone through this one before, and the whole "I need to get away, but I don't know how long" excuse. You've been there to comfort and support her. It's obviously not helping, or depression isn't her problem. I'm willing to bet on the latter. She wants out of the relationship, and she's decided that her "depression" is the perfect ticket. She's using something you know she has a problem with to get out, and she knows you'll understand. Here's what I just posted in jigga23's recent thread:


When women's emotions get out of control, they'll do anything they possibly can to calm them down. Women enjoy doing the dragged out relationship ending because they need to keep control of that bucket of emotions. They want as little spillage as possible. They don't care that you're frustrated, confused, depressed and hurt. All they want is a nice smooth transition to the end of the relationship.

However, my first instinct to the news she doesn't know how long she will be is to NEXT her big time. This would be like chopping off an arm or a leg as the relationship has been developing and we are very close.

Obviously, the relationship isn't as important to her as it is to you. Do you really want a woman who doesn't put much importance on the relationship? If it was important to her, she'd be wanting to keep you around despite her depression. She would need you to support her through her difficult times.

Something's not right here. I'd NEXT her. Hell, I'd go one step further - use her lines against her. "I think we need to spend some time apart, because I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I need some time to myself." Then go find a ONS

 

[kandyass]

quote:

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This is a woman's way of breaking up with you. I've gone through this one before, and the whole "I need to get away, but I don't know how long" excuse. You've been there to comfort and support her. It's obviously not helping, or depression isn't her problem. I'm willing to bet on the latter. She wants out of the relationship, and she's decided that her "depression" is the perfect ticket. She's using something you know she has a problem with to get out, and she knows you'll understand. Here's what I just posted in jigga23's recent thread:


When women's emotions get out of control, they'll do anything they possibly can to calm them down. Women enjoy doing the dragged out relationship ending because they need to keep control of that bucket of emotions. They want as little spillage as possible. They don't care that you're frustrated, confused, depressed and hurt. All they want is a nice smooth transition to the end of the relationship.

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Thanks for the reply. I see what you are saying here but she says she doesn't want to break up now, before she goes. She wants to wait to see how it goes...wants us to stay in touch and if I decide she is away too long then I can end the relationship at that time.

So, she does want to stay together...and she may only be gone for a month or two. In which case we would most probably stay together when she came back.

Which all seems to make sense...except that I can just see it dragging on while she is over there trying to get better...and I'm here feeling miserable and missing her.

Damnit, I just can't think straight on this one. Between what she says and what she does there seems to be this major gulf of contradiciton.

quote:
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Obviously, the relationship isn't as important to her as it is to you. Do you really want a woman who doesn't put much importance on the relationship? If it was important to her, she'd be wanting to keep you around despite her depression. She would need you to support her through her difficult times.

Something's not right here. I'd NEXT her. Hell, I'd go one step further - use her lines against her. "I think we need to spend some time apart, because I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I need some time to myself." Then go find a ONS

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No, I can't agree with you there. We ARE very close. She does put a lot of effort into the relationship. I know it's very important to her.

And yet what you say about her wanting to keep me around despite her depression also makes sense...

...goddamnit! Is it the mark of someone hopelessly lost in AFC land that although the actions of their partner seem to contradict it, they just KNOW deep down that their partner loves them..?

 

[MacAvoy]

Originally posted by kandyass
quote:

Thanks for the reply. I see what you are saying here but she says she doesn't want to break up now, before she goes. She wants to wait to see how it goes...wants us to stay in touch and if I decide she is away too long then I can end the relationship at that time.

You missed Desdinova's point, he is saying she doesn't want to break up now before she goes cuz she wants to string you along so she can break up w/ you when she gets back. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE AFC.

Originally posted by kandyass
quote:

Damnit, I just can't think straight on this one. Between what she says and what she does there seems to be this major gulf of contradiciton.

Your missing all the signs bro, your allowing yourself to slip into AFCdom simply because she's been committed to you in the past.

Explain to me what you have to lose by gaining your self-respect and dignity back by NEXT'ing her now. If she is really committed to you, she will come back seeking you once she is done whatever it is that she needs to do. She will only be attracted to you LESS by you staying home and being supportive, she doesn't want that, she wants the guy that all the other girls want. Make yourself the prize, not the guy at home she's dreading to go see.

 

[kandyass]

Yeah, I think my instincts agree with you there about becoming less attractive by waiting...

BTw, as a general policy, do you think its a good idea to hold a woman with depression to the same standards in terms of ****-tests etc as a one who is okay?

I get the feeling I'm not doing this woman any favours by being overly supportive and have dug myself into an AFC hole...

 

[Tazman]

she needs a break/holiday and is going o/s to stay with a female friend for...she doesn't know how long...until she feels happy and better about her life...

Pay close attention to this. She wants a break and to spend this time with her gf. She wants to spend time away from YOU. No amount of support from you is going to change anything, in fact it makes things worse (as has been mentioned).

How come she can't find happiness with you? The worse thing you can do is take this lying down saying you'll simply "wait" for her. I'm not saying you should give her an ultimatum, but you should make her feel like she's in danger of losing you because you ALSO want this break and there's a chance you may meet someone else.

She wants to wait to see how it goes...wants us to stay in touch and if I decide she is away too long then I can end the relationship at that time.

Exactly, so she can rid herself of any guilt because if YOU can't wait you can take the responsibility to end it. It also gives her time away from you to weigh her "options" in a more comfortable environment. I'm saying don't wait and tell her that you will be "split" while she is gone.

As you've said, you've been very supportive of her and there is no need to be left waiting in limbo while she decides whether or not she's happy with YOU. You're in demand by other women and you must radiate this through your willingness to move on.

 

[kandyass]

Yeah, I think my instincts agree with you there about becoming less attractive by waiting...

BTw, as a general policy, do you think its a good idea to hold a woman with depression to the same standards in terms of ****-tests etc as a one who is okay?

I get the feeling I'm not doing this woman any favours by being overly supportive and have dug myself into an AFC hole...

 

[MacAvoy]

Originally posted by kandyass
BTw, as a general policy, do you think its a good idea to hold a woman with depression to the same standards in terms of ****-tests etc as a one who is okay?

I get the feeling I'm not doing this woman any favours by being overly supportive and have dug myself into an AFC hole...

You should hold all women to the same standards regardless. Once you start making excuses for this and that, thats when you start becoming AFC.

Your not doing her any favours by being AFC. Your only allowing her to wallow in her sorrows, she has to realize her behaviour is causing her to lose the prize.

Remember its never too late to get out of the AFC hole, the old saying goes....better late than never.

 

[kandyass]

Post-mortem...

Well, I bit the bullet and did it...split up with the LTR. Told her she could come look me up when she got back but that as soon as she is gone I'm single again and she'll have to take her chances.

It wasn't easy, but you know what? I feel heaps better!

I think I've learn't a valuable lesson about boundaries in relationships, I'm starting to feel sick thinking about how low I've sunk in terms of being an AFC lately...and come to think of it not only wouldn't it help her, she would have nexted me sooner or later (I guess that is effectively what she is doing-even though she claims she is not) for being such a *****.

Oh, man...

...hope this the first step out of AFC land...

So, thanks for all your advice guys.

 

[Tazman]

Let us know how everything turns out.

 

[TrickyD]

Good move!

kandyass -- You did the right thing! You must create a standard for yourself w/ relationships and whomever doesn't measure up... then "next".

I'm going through the same thing w/ my LTR chick and after reading this thread you just summed it up very nicely. It's gonna be a tough thing to do for me but it has to be done -- thanks for the inspiration eveyrone!

 

[speedo_meme]

Yeah dude, congrats for having the balls to do that....

how did she respond to the breakup?

 

[speedo_meme]

yeah that guy was a bad mutherfugger...sawed his arm off with a rusty pocket knife.

Regardless, good example...

I wonder if his arm bones are still hanging out between the boulders...

 

[kandyass]

Post-Mortem 2

Speede-meme: as to how she re-acted to the break up...she cried...a lot...which I found very difficult to deal with and I began to feel like a total bastard...UNTIL...I remembered why I was doing it in the first place and how supportive I'd been of her in the last year or so.

Something that helped me get through the whole process was approaching her about it in a calm, sensitive and slightly positive manner ("you need to go away and get yourself together, I want you to be happy etc") and trying not to get into arguments about feelings, hers or mine but mostly hers. In the past I've tried to argue with her that her feelings weren't RIGHT. Crazy, I know but hey...

The thing I'm thinking about now is how I managed to get myself into such a no-win situation. And now I'm thinking about the importance and role of relationships in my life. Until now they've dominated my life, its direction and content ( I know, major AFC!). That needs to change, because you know what? None of the women I've been with have had this attitude. And sooner or later the relationship has ended (not always, but mostly) with them moving on to pursue some other goal. I'm not saying they didn't love me and want to stay with me...but they knew what they wanted (or didn't want...an AFC!) and how to get it and weren't prepared to let a relationship stand in the way of a major life goal. Which, I'm coming to see, is how it should be.

Btw, I emailed a female friend o/s about my situation and she wrote back basically bytch-slapping me AND telling me to get over there pronto so she could do the wild thing with me!

Hehehe...

 

[MacAvoy]

Kandyazz, its good to see someone actually take the advice that is given to them on the board instead of just making more AFC excuses.

 

[kandyass]

The hunted...

If anyone doubts about the basic ideas this website is founded on then this should help change their mind;

...having told the LTR that as soon as she leaves for o/s our relationship is over...she keeps calling me, wanting to see me, being extra nasty in bed...in short, pursuing me with a vengeance. And because I've made my decision i don't really care that much about the situation. We hang out, we do the wild thing and I don't contact her often...its like a casual relationship rather than a LTR and I'm feeling pretty damn good about it...like it should be fun while it lasts and not this eternal ****in' drama where I continually cross the line from supportive to AFC.

Interestingly enough, since I gave her the word I haven't seen much sign of the depression she's been struggling with for the past year...

However, I'm well aware that in a couple of weeks things will be different when she's on that plane and I'm without female company ( non-sexual social life pretty good at moment)...which is why I approached a night out with friends as a chance to survey the field. It was then that I realised how far I'd let myself slip in terms of being an AFC...not to mention wearing a shirt that was about five years out of date and just damn awful...time to work on my game...

p.s. as a side note and as more validation of the principles espoused on this site...the LTR was last night commenting on how much of a 'sweetie' and a 'nice' guy the husband of one of my good friend's is...and this friend of mine treats her hubbie like crap, walks all over him, even in public and then complains to me that she feels no attraction for him and wants to be with other guys...

 

[kandyass]

the Hunted 2...

Don't know if anyone is still following this thread but just thought I'd let you know what's happening...

If you recall I told the LTR that we were finished as soon as she gets on that airplane for her indefinite (can stay 6 months max) trip o/s.

I think I pulled an AFC move by agreeing to stay with her (three weeks) until she goes and not splitting up with her there and then.

Any comments?

In any case I found that things just didn't feel right, that I was getting upset seeing all the signs of her impending trip lying around her house and that...well it just sucked.

So last night I told her i wanted to say Goodbye right then. She was real upset. And when I got home and went to bed she banged on my door. I let her in and I caved and when we went to bed.

But I said the same thing this morning, in a more drawn out and sensitive manner I think than last night, and it was sad and hard but she seemed to see the light and now its done.

My question is, was I being AFC by agreeing to stay with her until she left or was it a DJ move to try and ride it out and be casual about the situation and try not to care too much about it (we were still having great sex)?

Theoretical question now I guess but I'm still learning and consider myself RAFC.

Comments very welcome and in the future I don;t intend to post anymore LTR stuff (hey, I'm single now!).