The true origin of approach anxiety

[bat soup]

I have a theory about approach anxiety: it is not actually a fear of being rejected.

If it was really a fear of being rejected, men would fear talking to women that have already rejected to them many times, but they have no such fear. Even though they know that they are probably going to get rejected, they'll go back and get rejected over and over again by the same woman. Yet they are afraid to talk to a new woman that they don't know.

So, I think the fear comes from the unpredictable nature of an unknown woman's intial response. She might embarrass them in public or be really nasty and spiteful. She might summon cokblockers and white knights to attack the invader. In the past and in certain societies even today, that could represent a real danger of being attacked violently by some jealous boyfriend or protective brother/father/orbiter.

But once that moment has passed and she'd done whatever she's done, the fear subsides and the danger no longer exists and now, even if she is not showing an adequate level of interest, men tend to hang around. Now they have overcome their ancient fear of being physically harmed or shamed by other third parties when making a move on an unknown woman.

 

[Mike32ct]

So, I think the fear comes from the unpredictable nature of an unknown woman's intial response. She might embarrass them in public or be really nasty and spiteful. She might summon cokblockers and white knights to attack the invader. In the past and in certain societies even today, that could represent a real danger of being attacked violently by some jealous boyfriend or protective brother/father/orbiter.

Agree completely. In most real-world cases, women typically just ignore the guy or give him one word answers. But plenty of guys still have a real (and not completely irrational) fear of her making a scene and embarrassing him or him facing a white knight response.

The reason I say "not completely irrational" is because (assuming stereotypical bar/club/party scene) drunk* people are especially unpredictable. They can range from super friendly to neutral to confrontational.

*Even sober people could, in theory, make a scene and pull the "creepy" card on the guy.

 

[Alvafe]

I have a theory about approach anxiety: it is not actually a fear of being rejected.

If it was really a fear of being rejected, men would fear talking to women that have already rejected to them many times, but they have no such fear. Even though they know that they are probably going to get rejected, they'll go back and get rejected over and over again by the same woman. Yet they are afraid to talk to a new woman that they don't know.

So, I think the fear comes from the unpredictable nature of an unknown woman's intial response. She might embarrass them in public or be really nasty and spiteful. She might summon cokblockers and white knights to attack the invader. In the past and in certain societies even today, that could represent a real danger of being attacked violently by some jealous boyfriend or protective brother/father/orbiter.

But once that moment has passed and she'd done whatever she's done, the fear subsides and the danger no longer exists and now, even if she is not showing an adequate level of interest, men tend to hang around. Now they have overcome their ancient fear of being physically harmed or shamed by other third parties when making a move on an unknown woman.

nah its not the unknown, some people have this even after they know the said woman would not shut him down, the real fear is being marked as a inconvenient, as a social fallout as what was he thinking to even try, of being a joke and weak, if was just the unknown would be easy, but remember woman love to talk chances are anything you do they will tell others, and that is helpfull as well as a bane.

never heard of if you are good on sex you have a bigger chance on nailing her friends? something I always tell guys is a girl break up with you? then go and hook up with her best friend, if you are any good on sex she will know and there is chances she want some of that, plus that normally piss your ex off so there is that bonus

 

[Serenity]

You certainly do have a point regarding fear of initial response though, but a negative response is basically a rejection. What you're describing is what fear of rejection actually is, it's more than just not getting the girl.

Not all the guys who have approach anxiety are the type that would keep trying over and over with the same chick. I think the guys who do that generally don't have approach anxiety, but they are still socially inept.

 

[r4zorsharp]

I have a theory about approach anxiety: it is not actually a fear of being rejected.

If it was really a fear of being rejected, men would fear talking to women that have already rejected to them many times, but they have no such fear. Even though they know that they are probably going to get rejected, they'll go back and get rejected over and over again by the same woman. Yet they are afraid to talk to a new woman that they don't know.

So, I think the fear comes from the unpredictable nature of an unknown woman's intial response. She might embarrass them in public or be really nasty and spiteful. She might summon cokblockers and white knights to attack the invader. In the past and in certain societies even today, that could represent a real danger of being attacked violently by some jealous boyfriend or protective brother/father/orbiter.

But once that moment has passed and she'd done whatever she's done, the fear subsides and the danger no longer exists and now, even if she is not showing an adequate level of interest, men tend to hang around. Now they have overcome their ancient fear of being physically harmed or shamed by other third parties when making a move on an unknown woman.

This whole thing is wrong.

Its simply this: Unconfident guys afraid about whether the circumstance might make them feel bad or feel good, thats approach anxiety.. they knwo if they get rejected, it might make them feel bad, and they will question theirs elf worth, because their self esteem was not very high to begin with

 

[bat soup]

This whole thing is wrong.

Its simply this: Unconfident guys afraid about whether the circumstance might make them feel bad or feel good, thats approach anxiety.. they knwo if they get rejected, it might make them feel bad, and they will question theirs elf worth, because their self esteem was not very high to begin with

If that's true, then why would they not be afraid to keep trying with the same girl? That will also make them feel bad. In fact, it's probably a lot worse.

 

[bat soup]

Agree completely. In most real-world cases, women typically just ignore the guy or give him one word answers. But plenty of guys still have a real (and not completely irrational) fear of her making a scene and embarrassing him or him facing a white knight response.

The reason I say "not completely irrational" is because (assuming stereotypical bar/club/party scene) drunk* people are especially unpredictable. They can range from super friendly to neutral to confrontational.

*Even sober people could, in theory, make a scene and pull the "creepy" card on the guy.

What made me think of it is the fact that this really does happen where I'm living right now. A man can get beaten up by a mob if they approach the wrong girl. Sometimes the guys that are "protecting" the girl don't even know her and she doesn't want anything to do with them, but they protect her nonetheless.

As you say, the fear is not irrational if the prospect of danger/violence is real. In most societies these days there is no real danger of violence unless you have really bad luck and approach some gangster's gf in a bar, so we've forgotten where the fear came from. But our unconscious brain's haven't.

 

[Cazam]

they knwo if they get rejected, it might make them feel bad, and they will question theirs elf worth, because their self esteem was not very high to begin with

Thats it exactly what i used to feel and still do feel even though i know exactly its bull****.
It is not about the woman its about one self.
I always had the thinking oh if this doesnt work i am failure and it hits ones ego.
I noticed that not only in dating but also in other stuff.
Sports for example even if you are realy good at one sport i always had the feeling i couldnt play cause i could loose what would mean that i am not as good as i thought i was what leads to inaction and missed opportunities.
Its something not so easy to overcome.
Also in my opinion it depends a lot on how you were raised by your parents and espacially your father.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

People speak. Its a part of being social.

 

[Kotaix]

What made me think of it is the fact that this really does happen where I'm living right now. A man can get beaten up by a mob if they approach the wrong girl. Sometimes the guys that are "protecting" the girl don't even know her and she doesn't want anything to do with them, but they protect her nonetheless.

As you say, the fear is not irrational if the prospect of danger/violence is real. In most societies these days there is no real danger of violence unless you have really bad luck and approach some gangster's gf in a bar, so we've forgotten where the fear came from. But our unconscious brain's haven't.

The fear of outsiders has been ingrained in us for tens of thousands of years. People are tribal because outsiders can bring diseases or violence with them. Distrust of the unknown is primal.

However, I don't think that fear of rejection comes from the danger of violence in the west. People haven't needed to fear violence like that for nearly 100 years. A man will always be in danger from a jealous boyfriend, but approaching a woman always involves risk, as does everything in life. Nothing risked, nothing gained. In modern western society this is an excuse to not pursue women, not a reason.

I'm with Cazam, men fear rejection because their ego is fragile and they have no confidence. They see nasty and spiteful response from a woman as an attack on them instead of realizing that it's the woman that is nasty and spiteful.

The vast majority of people are pvssies, only the strong succeed. That has always been true.