The Top 10 Mistakes that Make Our Personalities Repulsive to Others and How to Fix Them

Keenan

Don Juan
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I’ve found something fascinating about us as people...

We often say and do things that bore, irritate, and ultimately repel the people in our lives without even realizing it.

But it’s not our fault, really.

I mean, most people aren’t going to tell us what we’re doing “wrong,” are they?

Why would they risk hurting our feelings – or perhaps making us angry at them for pointing out our faults and errors, only to have to deal with our possible resentment towards them because of it?

So how do we learn what mistakes we’re currently making, so we can correct them and thus improve our ability to get the kinds of relationships we want with people from this day forward?

That’s where I come in.

I want to tell you about the top 10 mistakes men make in their interactions with others that secretly bores, annoys, and sometimes even angers and repels them, and what to do about them.

Correcting these mistakes will not only improve your personality, it will also better your ability to form great friendships and relationships with others.

Here we go...

MISTAKE #1:
Rambling On About Boring Topics


When it’s your turn to speak in a conversation, do you ever pay attention to the length of time it takes you to say what you want?

Furthermore, do you ever ask yourself this very important question:

“Is this person even interested in hearing about what I’m saying?”

If you’re taking more than 10-20 seconds to say what you want, you’re heading into the danger zone. Unless you’re an engaging speaker talking on a subject you know is important to the other person, you are going to quickly bore them and outwear your welcome.

People hate to have others launch into long-winded rants on subjects they have absolutely no interest in.

What they’re really thinking is this:

“You are so dull and boring, you’re putting me to sleep. Do you really think I’m even interested in what you’re talking about? Has the question even crossed your mind, or are you really just that selfish to focus the conversation on what you want to talk about at my expense?”

Instead of rambling, learn to gauge the other person’s interest. Bring up the topic and talk about it for 10-20 seconds. All this while watch their body language and pay attention to how they’re receiving your message.

If they don’t seem engaged or they don’t ask questions about the topic, that’s a sure sign that they’re not interested in hearing any more about what you’re talking about.

So drop the subject and change the topic to something else that might interest them.

But don’t force them to humor you, unless you want to earn their hidden contempt.

MISTAKE #2:
Starting Arguments Over Opinions


When you discover someone has an opposing viewpoint than your own, do you ever use this as your opportunity to jump in and argue with them by refuting their opinion and introducing your best counter-arguments?

If so, what do you hope to get out of the situation?

I bet you just feel the urge to prove the other person wrong to satisfy your need to be right and to “conquer” them, right?

But why?

Is it stubbornness, egotism, and vanity motivating this kind of behaviour?

And furthermore, what kind of results does arguing with people over a mere difference of opinions produce?

Here’s how people really respond to you getting into arguments with them over differing viewpoints:

“You’ve turned yourself into my adversary, and now I feel the need to defend myself and argue my position against you. I’m going to make it my mission now to beat you by proving you wrong and that I am right. You’re my enemy in this situation now, not my friend.”

Most arguments grow into heated debates where emotions run high. People then start holding the other person in contempt and looking on them with dislike and disdain.

But you don’t want that, do you?

So avoid getting into useless arguments over differences of opinion.

It accomplishes nothing.

Why not simply accept that not everyone is going to think the same way we do, and that’s okay?

MISTAKE #3:
Whining and Complaining


Do you ever unload your personal problems on other people or gripe and complain about what’s wrong with the world, and practically force them to listen to your complaints and negativity?

If so, have you ever asked yourself why you do this?

What we want is sympathy and understanding, isn’t it?

But do we even get that?

You’ve probably already discovered that when you complain to people, most of them just politely nod and listen, and punctuate the conversation by saying, “Oh, that’s so sad” or “I feel so bad for you”.

But what they’re really thinking is a different matter...

“You think your problems are so bad, huh? Well, guess what – I have problems too. We all have problems. Get used to it! What makes you think your problems are so much more important or worse than others? Do I really have to sit here and listen to you ***** and complain? You’re such a victim! Take some responsibility for yourself and your life.”

Of course, they’re never going to tell us this. But that’s likely what’s really running through their heads when we complain at them endlessly.

So stop whining and complaining about your trivial problems.

If you’re not even looking for a solution, will doing this solve them?

Nope.

So what good comes of dumping our problems and complaints on others, only to greatly bore and irritate them?

Nothing.

Cut this kind of behaviour out of your communication.

MISTAKE #4:
Trying to Make Converts


Most of us have had the experience of being introduced to some form of knowledge or practice that we found beneficial.

And how do some us act after this happens?

Don’t we often start preaching and promoting our new-found “magic bullet” to everyone we talk to in an attempt to “enlighten” them?

Don’t we start trying to persuade and make converts out of our friends, family and acquaintances?

But does it work?

Nope, it just greatly irritates and annoys them.

What they really think is this:

“You have no respect for my choices and opinions. You think you’re right, but I think you’re wrong. And the more you try to sway me over to your way of thinking, the more resistant and defiant I’m going to become. Not to mention I’m going to generate resentment towards you for being so pushy and treating me like I’m an ignorant fool!”

Accept people for what they choose to believe or how they act.

If you try to change them, you’re communicating that you don’t accept them for who they are. You’re telling them you reject them for wherever they may be at in life.

Instead, I recommend finding other people who are already into what you’re into, instead of trying to reform others who aren’t.

After all, if we investigate our true motives here, isn’t it because we want people to share our views and practices?

They’re out there.

MISTAKE #5:
Playing Other Peoples’ Therapists


Do you ever inquire and stick your nose into other peoples’ affairs and meddle in their business?

For example, when someone starts bitching and complaining about their problems, do you make yourself a “shoulder to cry on” and act like you’re their therapist?

If so, what’s the reason you think you do this?

It’s because you want to help them out, right?

But does it?

And how are they really responding to this kind of behaviour?

We must realize that people have boundaries, and they have things they need to hold themselves accountable for – otherwise, we end up co-depending on others. And that isn’t healthy, for either party.

So how do people react when we meddle in their affairs?

Here’s what they’re really thinking:

“I hate it when you stick your nose in my affairs! It’s none of your business! Just let me work out my own issues, okay? If I want your help or input, I will ask. It really irritates me when you cross that unspoken line with me. In fact, it pisses me off that you’re trying to “fix” me, as if I’m broken!”

Some people will actually welcome this kind of behaviour, but remember that these are the people who play victim and only do it only to draw attention to themselves.

Don’t go for that.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t take an active interest in peoples’ affairs. That’s what friendship is about. But when we meddle, it crosses the line.

Resolve to give people their private space.
 

Keenan

Don Juan
Joined
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Messages
20
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Age
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MISTAKE #6:
Finding Fault with People


When people don’t conform to your wishes or standards, do you ever criticize and condemn them, hoping it will get them to change?

If so, does it work?

Or do people just start arguing with you or defending and explaining themselves?

Taking this approach usually leads to a full-blown argument, doesn’t it?

And you want to know what people really think when you criticize them?

“You are such a jerk! No one’s perfect, including yourself. We all make mistakes and have hang-ups. Who the hell are you to nitpick and criticize my supposed faults? You’re too blind to see your own faults and what you contribute to this relationship – one of which is your very judgmental and critical attitude!”

If criticizing people doesn’t work to get them to change, why do it – especially when it generates resentment, and leads to arguments no one is going to win.

If you want to bring out the best in people, commend them and give them praise when they do things right.

That’s what actually works to bring about positive, constructive change in others.

Criticizing people doesn’t.

So avoid it!

MISTAKE #7:
Apologizing for Every Little Mistake


When you do little things that you suspect might have irritated or offended someone, do you go and apologize to them?

If so, have you ever questioned why you really do this?

Is it really because you’re sorry – or is it because you’re scared you’ve lost their approval and are trying to win it back?

In investigating this question, you will find that the reason for most apologizing takes place is not to right a wrong, which is selfless. It’s to neutralize someone’s resentment towards us for us having irritated or angered them.

This is completely selfish.

It’s not done for the benefit of the other person. It’s done for our benefit.

And people pickup on this.

Here’s what they really think:

“You can’t handle me being cross with you, because you’re needy for my love and approval. You’re not trying to make amends with me to restore the good will between us. You’re just apologizing to win back the approval you think you’ve lost from me. You’re weak and pathetic! And I resent that.”

There certainly are times to apologize.

But like we just discussed, the reason there is to restore good will.

With most apologizing, this is not the motive. So it’s important to know the difference, and restrain yourself from apologizing for purely selfish reasons.

It’s a major turn-off to people. Plus, it makes you look weak and needy in their eyes, which will make them think ill of you and thus repel them.

If in doubt, don’t apologize for your behaviour.

MISTAKE #8:
Trash-Talking People Behind Their Backs


When you make conversation with people, how often do you spend that time talking about or discussing other people?

And when you do do this, do you ever do it in a critical, judgmental or condescending way that makes the person you’re talking about look bad?

We seem to have an innate desire to discuss other people and what they’ve done or been up to – but where do we draw the line?

You want to know what smart people really think of you for your negative gossiping?

“This person is trash-talking our friend (or whoever) behind their back. So that means there’s a good chance they also gossip about me with other people behind my back. I really don’t trust you now, and I’ve lost a lot of respect for you, because I don’t appreciate being dissed behind my back where I can’t even defend myself.”

If you must talk about other people, be neutral – not critical and negative.

A good rule of thumb to use is this:

Never say anything about anybody behind their back that you wouldn’t have the courage to say to their face.

Being a bitter gossip will eventually give you a bad reputation and start repelling people.

I would avoid it.

MISTAKE #9:
Being Nosy and Asking Too Many Questions


Being a great conversationalist involves taking an interest in the other person and asking questions, but do you ever take it too far?

Do you ever ask one question, receive the answer, then ask a completely unrelated question – you know, like 20 questions?

Perhaps you think you’re getting to know the other person, but are you aware of how they’re responding to you internally?

If we take this approach, the other person is going to feel like we’re interrogating them.

Needless to say, that’s not a pleasant feeling to have.

Here’s what people really think when you “interrogate” them:

“You are super nosy! And it’s annoying. Not only that, by the fact that you keep changing the topic, I can tell that you’re not even really interested in hearing my answers, or we’d stay on one topic. When you act invasive like this, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I’ll play along so as not to rock the boat.”

Again, asking questions is an essential tool in being a great conversationalist. However, it must be done in a tactful way.

A key to remember is to stay on one topic for a while, instead of jumping all over the place in a scatter-brained fashion.

If you don’t want to make someone feel like they’re being interrogated by a police officer over a crime, do not ask one unrelated question after another or before the trust has been established.

MISTAKE #10:
Bragging About Yourself and Showing Off


We all want to be approved of and accepted, but do you ever try to make a favourable impression on others by bragging and boasting about yourself, your achievements, or flaunting your money or possessions?

If you do, you may think this will impress people.

But guess what?

It does not.

In fact, it has the exact opposite effect on people.

We may think that bragging about ourselves and showing off will paint us in a good light by demonstrating our assets, but people interpret our efforts drastically differently.

Here’s what they really think:

“You are such a douchebag! You think you’re so incredible, way more amazing than you actually are. And you think you’re better than other people, too, which is real turn-off.”

Boasting just makes people think we’re egotistical and conceited, which, if we do it, we probably are.

That needs to change.

If you really want to impress people, let them discover your assets for themselves. Don’t deprive them of discovering how great you are or what you can achieve all by themselves.

That’s impressive … when you’re humble about what you’re good at.

So don’t brag and boast about anything.

Where to Go From Here...

Now that we’ve covered the top 10 major mistakes men make that makes their personalities repulsive to others, you probably noticed that this article only focuses on the things you need to stop doing in your dealings with others.

It doesn’t cover the things you need to start doing to win their love and respect.

So what do you do instead?

How do you fill up your conversations, if with none of these things?

What do you talk about?

And how do you create a connection with people that they are sure to cherish and value?

That’s what I discuss on my website.

It will teach you everything you need to know about overcoming your fears of rejection and criticism, meeting people and starting conversations, enticing them to hang-out with you, and how to build that into a friendship or relationship, along with how to deal with unwanted behavior in others.

PM if you want to learn how to find it.
 
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