Accension
Senior Don Juan
As some of you may know, I've recently written a guide on the group dynamic, AKA, socializing, which can be found here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=173179
However, this spawned the question: “What if we don't have a group to begin with?”
And so, I dedicate this post to all those trying to 'get a girl' or even just more friends – and hey, if that isn't you, then by all means leave this thread.
This thread is a milestone.
When I first started writing this, I was surprised by how simple it can be.
Flash back to your first day at school, work, soccer, what ever.
Chances are, you were alone and had to start from scratch.
At many times in our life, this will happen – maybe not on a large scale – but in fact, every time you meet a new person, it's happening.
I recently started a new job and I saw it consciously for the first time.
As I arrived in my first meeting, the eyes are the first thing you notice.
They stare at you and judge everything from the colour of your shoes to the way you've brushed your hair.
This happens every time you come across a stranger.
However, it's a good thing.
Because you want something to happen – anything -- or you would have left, which is why making enemies or mistakes are never a bad thing.
This omnipresent judgment is a real problem for the shy and insecure, so let's deal with it right away.
Have you ever been so conscious of this judgment that you don't know what to do with your hands – you're waiting on your lunch order and don't know what to look at, even. Most likely, when you're waiting for someone alone you feel so awkward about this judgment that you may have even taken out your phone to pretend to be texting!
Yeah, well what I'm about to say – to burn out an already burnt out word – is empowering.
If you've ever moved to a new town or been assaulted, the feeling you have walking around in public is very similar.
What I discovered is the feeling everyone should feel when they are out: “I'm just walking around my town.”
It's your town too, so own it.
Let yourself become a part of your environment because you are.
This mightn't make sense straight away, but give it a try as it puts you in the perfect place for socializing.
Now that your mind has been tuned, the rest is a lot of common sense: you need things to happen; you need to put yourself out there as much as you can.
In further fixing how you view the world, I ask you to suddenly realize: there are opportunities for socializing every where.
However, the mistake is in not reaping the other opportunities by not having a life outside the 3.
Classes at the local pool, gym, community center etc. Sports, particularly team sports – heck, yoga even. Community events, such as open days. Even traveling between all these activities. The important thing is to have hobbies outside of the big three. Personally, I'm a member of my local pool and know everyone there.
Between my old high school buddies, college buddies, people I've met at parties and through friend's of friends you can see how the more you have, the more you will have.
This is all well and good, but how do you turn an associate in to a friend any way?
Back to my new job.
Having walked into the meeting, I sat down and apologized for being late (on my first day too).
The meeting proceeded and I quietly observed, not confident enough to contribute as a new guy.
This is natural, trying to own a new environment you don't understand will be met with much resistance (see my former thread).
After, we went to our cubicles. I found the person opposite me to be quite attractive.
“Hey, my name is Accension, the new guy.”
Time went on and I met all my colleagues, but they were still only colleagues.
That's because we had only bonded as colleagues; it was time to bond as friends.
The cutie, let's call her Caryl, came to work late one day. Much as I had on my first day.
It was probably the first time I spoke to her in a context outside of how we met in the first place.
“Hey, Caryl, don't stress. I was late on my first day for Christ's sake.”
As the conversation furthered, I discovered Caryl had a few mechanical problems.
We then talked about cars, then bad drivers, then cute boys.
Note what's happening here. I'm literally escalating from a colleague to a friend, and later a decent date.
All I did was talk outside the context we were there for.
So how did I turn her into a friend outside of work?
This is how everyone does it, so pay attention:
However, you can do it too:
The formula is simple: progressively change the context to friends and then imply or suggest you hang out.
Note that this seemingly daunting task is reduced through, “I'm just at my work.”
I was asked how do I join a social circle and how do I create one.
If they suggested you hang out with them (join) or if you suggested they hang with you (create).
It's that simple: make friends and then imply or suggest hanging out.
As for you creating one, I honestly don't suggest you take on that responsibility unless you already have a thriving social circle.
When someone joins your social circle, they expect it to be just that.
It's also weird going out of your way in a big way -- like holding movie nights at your house -- if you've never even hung out with the person before.
Start small. Friendship is a progression.
Be comfortable, put yourself out there, be friendly or flirty and then make implications or suggestions.
I think I've probably written more than I should for such a simple topic, but are there any questions?
However, this spawned the question: “What if we don't have a group to begin with?”
And so, I dedicate this post to all those trying to 'get a girl' or even just more friends – and hey, if that isn't you, then by all means leave this thread.
This thread is a milestone.
When I first started writing this, I was surprised by how simple it can be.
Flash back to your first day at school, work, soccer, what ever.
Chances are, you were alone and had to start from scratch.
At many times in our life, this will happen – maybe not on a large scale – but in fact, every time you meet a new person, it's happening.
I recently started a new job and I saw it consciously for the first time.
As I arrived in my first meeting, the eyes are the first thing you notice.
They stare at you and judge everything from the colour of your shoes to the way you've brushed your hair.
This happens every time you come across a stranger.
However, it's a good thing.
Because you want something to happen – anything -- or you would have left, which is why making enemies or mistakes are never a bad thing.
This omnipresent judgment is a real problem for the shy and insecure, so let's deal with it right away.
Have you ever been so conscious of this judgment that you don't know what to do with your hands – you're waiting on your lunch order and don't know what to look at, even. Most likely, when you're waiting for someone alone you feel so awkward about this judgment that you may have even taken out your phone to pretend to be texting!
Yeah, well what I'm about to say – to burn out an already burnt out word – is empowering.
If you've ever moved to a new town or been assaulted, the feeling you have walking around in public is very similar.
What I discovered is the feeling everyone should feel when they are out: “I'm just walking around my town.”
It's your town too, so own it.
Let yourself become a part of your environment because you are.
This mightn't make sense straight away, but give it a try as it puts you in the perfect place for socializing.
Now that your mind has been tuned, the rest is a lot of common sense: you need things to happen; you need to put yourself out there as much as you can.
In further fixing how you view the world, I ask you to suddenly realize: there are opportunities for socializing every where.
- High school. Appreciate how easy every girl there is. As well as the instant conversation pieces, “What class do you have next, what're you studying etc.”
- College/university. Same as above, but intelligence is now a more respected trait, which is good news for most of us former nerds.
- Work. There's more instant conversation pieces too, even if you're new. “I'm new here, can you help me do X etc?"
However, the mistake is in not reaping the other opportunities by not having a life outside the 3.
Classes at the local pool, gym, community center etc. Sports, particularly team sports – heck, yoga even. Community events, such as open days. Even traveling between all these activities. The important thing is to have hobbies outside of the big three. Personally, I'm a member of my local pool and know everyone there.
Between my old high school buddies, college buddies, people I've met at parties and through friend's of friends you can see how the more you have, the more you will have.
This is all well and good, but how do you turn an associate in to a friend any way?
Back to my new job.
Having walked into the meeting, I sat down and apologized for being late (on my first day too).
The meeting proceeded and I quietly observed, not confident enough to contribute as a new guy.
This is natural, trying to own a new environment you don't understand will be met with much resistance (see my former thread).
After, we went to our cubicles. I found the person opposite me to be quite attractive.
“Hey, my name is Accension, the new guy.”
Time went on and I met all my colleagues, but they were still only colleagues.
That's because we had only bonded as colleagues; it was time to bond as friends.
The cutie, let's call her Caryl, came to work late one day. Much as I had on my first day.
It was probably the first time I spoke to her in a context outside of how we met in the first place.
“Hey, Caryl, don't stress. I was late on my first day for Christ's sake.”
As the conversation furthered, I discovered Caryl had a few mechanical problems.
We then talked about cars, then bad drivers, then cute boys.
Note what's happening here. I'm literally escalating from a colleague to a friend, and later a decent date.
All I did was talk outside the context we were there for.
So how did I turn her into a friend outside of work?
This is how everyone does it, so pay attention:
“What're you doing on the weekend?”
“Me and a few friends from work are going clubbing... you should come.”
THIS is how they all pursued me outside of work.“Me and a few friends from work are going clubbing... you should come.”
However, you can do it too:
“What're you doing after work?”
“Nothing much, you?”
“I plan on unwinding over a beer or two at the pub... you should come.”
I'm willing to bet you only have work, school or college friends because it's never suggested you hang out with them outside of it.“Nothing much, you?”
“I plan on unwinding over a beer or two at the pub... you should come.”
The formula is simple: progressively change the context to friends and then imply or suggest you hang out.
Note that this seemingly daunting task is reduced through, “I'm just at my work.”
I was asked how do I join a social circle and how do I create one.
If they suggested you hang out with them (join) or if you suggested they hang with you (create).
It's that simple: make friends and then imply or suggest hanging out.
As for you creating one, I honestly don't suggest you take on that responsibility unless you already have a thriving social circle.
When someone joins your social circle, they expect it to be just that.
It's also weird going out of your way in a big way -- like holding movie nights at your house -- if you've never even hung out with the person before.
Start small. Friendship is a progression.
Be comfortable, put yourself out there, be friendly or flirty and then make implications or suggestions.
I think I've probably written more than I should for such a simple topic, but are there any questions?
.