The silent treatment

[Stéphane]

I have a great girlfriend, and I love her very much, but when she gets upset about something she goes completely quiet. When I ask what's wrong she doesn't respond, or talk to me.

It really pisses me off, so the other day she just turned cold on me out of the blue, and I asked what was wrong with no answer. We were walking somewhere, so I just stopped holding her hand and started walking by myself.

I completely ignored her and went my own way without looking at her I was seriously thinking of breaking up with her. Anyhow, she eventually came back to me and explained why she got upset with me, and I said I can see how that could be frustrating when I do X thing, I'm glad you told me I'll do my best to take in consideration your feelings, I'm sorry I did that.

Things are good again now, but once in a while she gives me the silent treatment and it really pisses me off. How do I deal with this? Should I just walk out when doesn't talk to me.

 

[(JJ)]

basically, yes.

because it sounds like this is a fairly common occurrence, it seems from my limited perspective that at one point or another you have showed her that this behavior is acceptable. frankly, it isn't at all. by pulling away and being indifferent and non reactive to her ploy you turned the tables on her.

by going cold and silent on you, she is able to grab the power and make you say "oh baby what's wrong? what can i do supplicatively to make it better?" even though you may not even be saying it explicitly. if you don't react this way, treat it as you would a little child behaving the same way, you pass the test. laugh it off, make light of her childish behavior, and if she doesnt start shaping up, you eliminate this unnecessarily problematic situation.

 

[bukowski_merit]

When I ask what's wrong she doesn't respond, or talk to me.

Don't ask her what's wrong! The problem is females like your girlfriend (not all girls) NEED to have drama. When there's not any for them to indulge in - they create it. Most of the time - off of dumb stuff that has no logic.

It really pisses me off, so the other day she just turned cold on me out of the blue, and I asked what was wrong with no answer. We were walking somewhere, so I just stopped holding her hand and started walking by myself.

She created the drama because she's bored (or a psycho). You're holding her hand, humming about your stuff.... You're not being a challenge.... You're boring her with your avoidance of life's exciting side...

Oxytocin is already thick up in you guys... I'm sure.... Cuddle much?

I completely ignored her and went my own way without looking at her I was seriously thinking of breaking up with her.

That would have given her TONS of drama. Sadly, you never did consider it. You considered the thought of breaking up with her; that is not the same thing as actually considering it. Had you actually done it - and left her immature @ss - that would have been the pot of gold under her "give me drama" rainbow!

Anyhow, she eventually came back to me and explained why she got upset with me, and I said I can see how that could be frustrating when I do X thing, I'm glad you told me I'll do my best to take in consideration your feelings, I'm sorry I did that.

So she kicked you in your balls and you pissed them out and handed them to her and said, "here take my balls as long as you love me again"????

This will not end good.... SHE OWNS YOUR FVCKING @SS and judging by your post count and this story - you have learned NOTHING here, so what good is my post even doing?

Things are good again now, but once in a while she gives me the silent treatment and it really pisses me off. How do I deal with this? Should I just walk out when doesn't talk to me.

She gives the silent treatment to you because she KNOWS it'll piss you off. ("I WANT DRAMA NOW!" she screams from the mountain top)

There's nothing YOU can do about it, because you don't have any balls. When you grow some - i'll give you some better advice. But that's the ONLY advice im giving today.

Smart money is on this woman being Low self-esteem and High sex-drive.

 

[COD]

ITS A TACTIC.........silent treatment IS A USEFUL TOOL when used correctly.

She can influence how you react WITHOUT saying a word............POWERFUL.

This also happens with time lags in text messages.........

Counter measures: is to fight fire with fire...........mirror her actions.

ERADICATION-you are going to have to inject a NEW set of behavior patterns...........when she goes quiet.........INSTRUCT HER TO EXPRESS her feelings (not always a good solution...........drama will follow).

My advice.........stick with the counter measure

 

[Stéphane]

No, my girlfriend is just very Introvert and sometimes goes quiet for no reason, but at other times she's quiet because she is upset, and gets these internal arguments in her head.

My girlfriend is not psycho she's one of the most logical chicks I've been with. Maybe I posted this question in the wrong forum, I don't think this place is geared for LTR advice.

 

[bukowski_merit]

No, my girlfriend is just very Introvert and sometimes goes quiet for no reason, but at other times she's quiet because she is upset, and gets these internal arguments in her head.

Introvert = Low-Self Esteem! Not only that, but this is not the actions of a normal woman. This is the actions of a woman ACTING OUT! AKA: This immature girl sounds like she needs therapy.... I'm not playing even a little bit!

BUT: Over half of this country probably needs therapy, so.... this is life...

My girlfriend is not psycho she's one of the most logical chicks I've been with. Maybe I posted this question in the wrong forum, I don't think this place is geared for LTR advice.

You can't objectively look at your girlfriend and judge her! You have too many love chemicals running through your body! You rationalize your failure to have balls by saying "this place isn't geared towards... blah blah blah"

What you're really saying is - "I want a Dr. Phil answer"... If you want average relationship advice - write Dear Abbie... She'll say :

"Dear Stephane, if you're doing something that makes her mad and she doesn't talk to you - it's because she feels she can't talk to you. You need to do a better job at being a good boyfriend and on opening up the lines of communication with her so that she knows whenever she has a problem with you - she can tell you it right away without any judgement. When she tells you her problems - make sure you listen to her, and consider how she's feeling about the issue..... blah blah...."


There you go ^ generic advice......

 

[AMDG]

goes quiet for no reason,

she's one of the most logical chicks I've been with.

You are not logical yourself. Look in the mirror and tell us you are ok

 

[Young Juan]

Logic v. Ration

Logical and Rational are two completely different and separate things. Your rationalizing and calling it logic. The things my brothers have been trying to tell you are easily logical, yet irrational to your mind.

Scenario: A girl spontaneously stops speaking to you. After you politely ask why, she continues her refusal to speak with you and also refuses to inform you of what exactly it was that you did to make her so furiously and grossly offended. I don't know about you, but if you pissed me off? I would tell you bout your bidge azz.

It is at the very point that people confuse logic with ration. The logical thing for someone to do when asked a question, is to provide an answer. Unless she was unable to hear you speak, a response to your question would have been logical. More specifically, the responses "I don't feel like talking right now" or "I don't want to talk to you because..." are the most LOGICAL replies.

What is ILLOGICAL, is someone who hears a question directed SPECIFICALLY at them and doesn't respond to it whatsoever. At this very point, people begin to rationalize rather than follow a logical course of thought.

Logic says, if you REALLY want an answer from someone who refuses to speak to you, you DEMAND an answer IMMEDIATELY! It pretty much progresses to water-boarding from there, lol. If you REALLY don't care about the answer, you say "Nevermind, I don't care anymore. I don't feel like being misery's company today. I like my legs, lol" If you feel INTENTIONALLY disrespected e.g. she looks you in the eye like she's not giving you an answer SOLELY because you want an answer? Respect YOURSELF 1ST and go your own way. When she comes back (which she always will) make her ass apologize for acting like a child and tell her that you prefer to date adults, you're not a pedophile, lol. She gotta get with the program or get left behind.

 

[zekko]

Introvert = Low-Self Esteem!

That is incorrect. An introvert is someone who draws their energy from themselves, as opposed to other people. Being around people too much can be draining for them. Extroverts are the exact opposite. Introversion/Extroversion is part of what makes up your personality, and no one is completely one or the other, they fall somewhere in the middle of the scale.
Introverts can suffer from poor self esteem if they have trouble adjusting to social situations in a society that tends to put more value on extroversion.

I agree the girl should not be rewarded for giving the silent treatment. She wants to communicate why she is upset but isn't quite sure how to do it. She should be encouraged to communicate in a more mature/productive manner. I wouldn't break up with her just to give her "drama" as someone suggested. Breaking up should only be done when that is what you seriously want to do and not be used as a tactic.

 

[Ease]

Yea bukowski got it right, she's doing it because she knows its effect on you. She will do anything that she knows has an effect on you. Once you show a reaction, a weakness, she will manipulate it for as long as she can.

Stop giving her a reaction.

Next time she does it say 'ok', and carry on 100% normal.

If you want to expand on it, then laughter kills all womens manipulation. Call her out on it and make it a joke.

'Aww you being huffy now? ok u can have huffy times, come back when your done and your ready to be a good girl again'. If she lashes out further or if her behaviour is no longer 'silent treatment' and more '*****y mood', then smack dat hoe down. Verbally. 'I take you out on a date and all you do is ***** at me? Wtf?'.

 

[bukowski_merit]

That is incorrect. An introvert is someone who draws their energy from themselves, as opposed to other people. Being around people too much can be draining for them. Extroverts are the exact opposite. Introversion/Extroversion is part of what makes up your personality, and no one is completely one or the other, they fall somewhere in the middle of the scale. Introverts can suffer from poor self esteem if they have trouble adjusting to social situations in a society that tends to put more value on extroversion.

I wasn't saying all introverts are low self-esteem. I was saying in the case of "No, my girlfriend is just very Introvert and sometimes goes quiet for no reason, but at other times she's quiet because she is upset, and gets these internal arguments in her head." That the word introvert = low self-esteem.

I myself am quite introvert. This is why i rarely do late-night pickups or dates anymore; I love being around women, but being around HUGE crowds drains me. And then i begin to observe and lose focus. I also have a circle of male friends and i enjoy hanging out with 1-2 of them. But when all 5 of us get together - I get tired of it very quick. It has nothing to do with my self-esteem; has everything to do with getting old lol...

I agree the girl should not be rewarded for giving the silent treatment. She wants to communicate why she is upset but isn't quite sure how to do it. She should be encouraged to communicate in a more mature/productive manner. I wouldn't break up with her just to give her "drama" as someone suggested. Breaking up should only be done when that is what you seriously want to do and not be used as a tactic.

While i completely agreed with your first paragraph - i completely disagree with this one!

You're believing in women a little too much to believe that opening communication lines is going to change her behavior. Funny, that i was mocking Dr. Phil and Dear Abbie with my answer and you pretty much gave the same advice as they would.... That's extremely feminist driven advice and is dangerous for any man to follow...

A lot of those "relationship" help books, share the belief that if a woman is acting out in the relationship it's because she's frustrated and feels like she can't share her frustrations. The man is encouraged to communicate better and allow her to express her displeasure (and giving the impossible task of trying to understand them). Unfortunately, giving your woman an open door to drop her luggage on you whenever she feels like it - is not beneficial to you or your woman.

You have to understand that most of the time when women start acting out - there's no logical reason behind it. In the case of low self-esteem girls - it's normally due to needing some form of drama. If they aren't getting it - they create it.

I was the one who said to bring drama to her first. Breaking up with her WOULD have brought a lot more drama than just being silent and acting p!ssed at her (that's drama she created in you - which is not what you want!). Is breaking up with her the best source of drama at the moment? Nope.

I believe Positive drama (or drama in the men's favor) is the best source of drama. Things such as amazing $ex (#1 thing by far), naughty touching in public, whispering dirty talk in her ear while walking through the mall, playful child like fighting, tickling, scaring her, writing a poem to her and putting it in her windshield, etc etc etc Are all forms of positive drama. They allow emotions to creep through her in the same way as starting an argument.

The problem with most men doing stuff like that is - they don't have any balls. They don't own the control of the relationship. They do not dominate their b!tch! If an AFC does those things with a woman suddenly after 2 years of being together, and SHE OWNS the relationship. What's going to be the result? She's going to FLIP OUT on him.... For example: If he leans over and whispers something dirty in her ear while they're at a party or something - she's going to get MAD, tell him to stop being childish, etc. But if he OWNS the relationship - she'll go along with it. This is why frame control is important from the very start of the relationship.

Most guys who are having things done to him like Stephane - have no balls, bring no drama, and are NICE GUYS. This is not by chance. Not by any stretch.

 

[Stéphane]

That is incorrect. An introvert is someone who draws their energy from themselves, as opposed to other people. Being around people too much can be draining for them. Extroverts are the exact opposite. Introversion/Extroversion is part of what makes up your personality, and no one is completely one or the other, they fall somewhere in the middle of the scale.
Introverts can suffer from poor self esteem if they have trouble adjusting to social situations in a society that tends to put more value on extroversion.

I agree the girl should not be rewarded for giving the silent treatment. She wants to communicate why she is upset but isn't quite sure how to do it. She should be encouraged to communicate in a more mature/productive manner. I wouldn't break up with her just to give her "drama" as someone suggested. Breaking up should only be done when that is what you seriously want to do and not be used as a tactic.

Only good answer.

My girlfriend doesn't just do this with me when she's mad she does the same thing to her parents.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Only good answer.

Only answer that matched something like what you wanted to hear... If you knew what a good answer was - you wouldn't have asked the question.

Like i said - go on Dr. Phil's message board and post there - you'll get a lot more feminine answers there which match what you desire to hear.

You will get NOWHERE long-term by trying to open communication and have rational talks with her.... NOWHERE! But that's the more comfortable answer for you - much easier than grabbing your sack and growing a few.... so go for it and bring these with you :flowers:

My girlfriend doesn't just do this with me when she's mad she does the same thing to her parents.

And?

I can tell you who she wouldn't do it with... are you ready? A guy with balls who she had a horrible fear of losing....

 

[Stéphane]

Bukowski have you ever been in a LTR? I use to believe this **** until I got into one. There always going to be some good and bad in a person you just need to accept them, I do things that tick off my girlfriend, but we still love each other.

I'm not scarred of losing her, because I know I'll find someone else, but I still love and respect her.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Bukowski have you ever been in a LTR?

Yes, i've been in many; i also am fascinated by relationship dynamics and study my friends/co-workers relationships as well (and also read tons of psychology books and studies that get into relationships).

I've done relationships wrong (first 6 years of my relationship history) and i've done them right (last 4 years).

There always going to be some good and bad in a person you just need to accept them, I do things that tick off my girlfriend, but we still love each other.

Well those beliefs makes you unable to handle any advice besides stuff that is congruent with your belief system. It is a very feminine belief system, so like i said - a better board for you to hang out on is one that's pro-femininst one. Such as Dr. Phil's board (im not negging you - im saying if you want that kind of typical cosmo advice - head to it's source).

I'm not scarred of losing her, because I know I'll find someone else, but I still love and respect her.

I have little doubt that you do with how much you defend her. I also have little doubt that you are scared of losing her.... Maybe scared isn't a word that connects to you - so maybe i should say you "don't want to" lose her... which is why you tolerate BS. Which is why she's capable of frustrating you. Love is a powerful feeling; with even more powerful chemicals that back it up. You ARE under it's spell and if you weren't afriad of losing her - then why not just try some other suggestions that aren't congruent with how you feel a relationship will work?

 

[Blue Phoenix]

ITS A TACTIC.........silent treatment IS A USEFUL TOOL when used correctly.

She can influence how you react WITHOUT saying a word............POWERFUL.
Counter measures: is to fight fire with fire...........mirror her actions.

My advice.........stick with the counter measure

Right on. She´s trying to get a reaction out of you, why I don´t know, but the bottom line is the reaction. One thing for sure is that based on your response to her behavior she can gauge:

1 If you will chase her
2 How desperate you are for her approval (how weak you are)
3 How easily influenced;manipulated you can be
4 How she can hurt you

It may be a sh!t test (this happens when her crazy behavior seems to have come out of the blue) or she´s really annoyed (you did something wrong and wasn´t aware of it) and doesn´t know how to show it properly. I wonder what goes inside her mind when her tricks don´t work! lol.

MIRROR!!!!!! Remember AIKIDO! Don´t be a sponge, mirror her!

 

[boomerick]

Steffy

I'm in a long term relationship and I'd say that B-Merit nailed it. She's in control, you gave up your balls. When she pulls this crap you seem to be doing exactly as she wants. Ignore difficult advise and you will 'justify' yourself into the Dr. Phil beta-dome and forever be a suplicating prisioner of your "soulmate"s pedistaled vagina. Over and Out

 

[Ease]

Only good answer.

My girlfriend doesn't just do this with me when she's mad she does the same thing to her parents.

This guy doesnt want advice.

The hard found truth by experience of real men is being slapped into his face repeatedly and he is weaseling out bs about how his girlfriend is different.

Everyone that replied to your question is/was in a LTR and has a big interest in them and somethig to contribute. Thats why we replied.

Stop beig a *****. Read again.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

"White women call dis da silent treatment. And we let em think we don't like it."

Of all the things to worry about...

 

[Blue Phoenix]

War tactics

Yea bukowski got it right, she's doing it because she knows its effect on you. She will do anything that she knows has an effect on you. Once you show a reaction, a weakness, she will manipulate it for as long as she can.

Stop giving her a reaction.

Next time she does it say 'ok', and carry on 100% normal.

If you want to expand on it, then laughter kills all womens manipulation. Call her out on it and make it a joke.

Right on!

Emotional detachment as the conscious choice to not allow another person push your buttons and hurt, anger, frustrate or annoy you. The easiest way to do this is to develop indifference. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. While it’s natural to hate someone who has hurt you repeatedly; hate still gives her power over you. Indifference removes your psychological stake in her, her behaviors and the relationship.

It can take a while to develop indifference and emotional detachment. Until you reach the point where you no longer care what she says or does, my advice is to fake it ’til you make it.

Some tactics:

Observe; don’t react - Everything your wife, girlfriend or ex does that drives you up a wall is purposefully designed to hurt and get a reaction from you. She controls you like a puppet on a string by getting you to engage in the content of her verbal attacks, silent treatment and/or passive-aggressive jabs (e.g., saying something cruel in a sweet tone of voice and then accusing you of being oversensitive). Therefore, take a mental step back when she starts the fun and games and simply observe her machinations for what they are.

Her covert and overt attacks are the adult equivalent of a 5-year old who calls a grown-up a “doody-head,” pouting, saying a bad word or tormenting you by saying the same stupid phrase over and over again; “I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I?” When you show a 5-year old that they’re getting to you, they escalate the behavior—just like your abusive wife, girlfriend or ex.

Set boundaries - When she says, “Jump,” stop saying “How high?” Tell her, “I’m working on something important. I can’t do x, y and z right now.” Create consequences for her bad behaviors, just like you would with a 5-year old.

Make yourself your first priority - She’ll drain you and eat up all of your energy, resources and attention until you’ve nothing left for yourself if you let her. In this respect, this kind of woman is a parasite and you’re the host. It is so very important to take care of yourself when you’re involved with her. This is the same reason airline safety regulations instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting your child.

Observe and reframe - Think of her as a 2-dimensional TV sitcom or melodrama character and stop taking her seriously. Oh boy! It’s time for “The Susan Show” again. What crazy things will Susan say and do this week? Stay tuned to find out! The reality is that abusive borderline, narcissistic and/or histrionic women don’t have any depth. They’re very 2-, if not 1-dimensional beings. There isn’t any “there” there. If you continue to search for some deep meaning in her behavior and why she does the things she does, you’ll only continue to frustrate and disappoint yourself. What you’re looking for simply doesn’t exist.

Bottom Line

When you stop rewarding her with the reaction she seeks, sit back and watch her go into overdrive. She’ll push even harder on your buttons and levers and try to find new ways to get a rise out of you. All you have to so is sit back, observe and smile until she gives up in confusion and despair. Emotional detachment won’t fix her or the relationship, but it will help you regain your power over yourself and your sanity. It will also afford you some peace. She will still be her miserable self, but you are making the conscious choice to not let it affect you anymore except that you have a perpetual 5-year old to deal with.

You need to be Iron Man!!!

Source:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...nt-when-the-no-contact-rule-is-not-an-option/