everywomanshero
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 2, 2005
- Messages
- 1,814
- Reaction score
- 36
This is an extremely rough draft. I expect to have a refined (and much larger) text in about a year. The preview should be a good read even if typos and such exist. This stuff is just so good to emerse the human mind in. Newbies will find it much easier to answer their own questions once they grasp these basic principles.
OK I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE, so Why can't I accept new ideas?
Turns out this is a common problem, and has to do with fallacies of the human mind.
Authority. It's much easier to take advice than to do research. The problem is seemingly symbols of authority can be fakes, even when they are household names. Take John Grey (Men are from Mars...) who turns out to have his PHd from a NON-accredited institution which later changed names and moved states. Taking expert advice is great, but check out the credentials. As it turns out, most of us won't actually do much with the advice until we are satisfied the messenger is a legitimate expert anyway.
Tennancity "Stubborness": Clinging to a set of believes even when the evidence coldly says "Hell No". Don't tie your self-esteem to a role or values that involve wins or loses. For example, if you take on this role of "badass" PUA, then you will become blind to your weaknesses due to a self-serving bias, and you will refute anything that clashes with the role you are playing. Additionally, anytime there is a string of PU attempts gone bad, you will be in the toliot. My base values are on things that cannot be taken away by anyone. Spirituality, basic belief that I am good, and love for life cannot be taken away from me. These are my base, everything else is just sensory input.
Emotion: This one often overrides logic. We know better, but listen to the emotions anyway. Emotions are very powerful. In modern society, it is nessacary to learn how to manage difficult emotions. It is often trying to protect our self-esteem. Unfortunately, hiding from the pain only prolongs it in the end.
Logic: Series of presuppositions leading to a conclusion. Logic can be logical yet inaccurate. For example, Girl's don't like short guys. I am short. Girl's don't like me. This works as a peice of logic. However, it is the very sort of mentality we need to avoid.
Common Sense: This is stuff so internalized you assume everyone feels it too using false-consistency (defined later). The problem is that versions of 'common sense' vary. Eventually, we can internalize new ideas and rules (more productive ones) to the point where they seem to be common sense.
DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON HOW WE GOT TO BE THIS WAY.
Evolutionary Perspective: Mystery has made this one famous around the community. Human social behaviors are rooted in physical and psychological predispositions that helped our ancestors survive and reproduce. If she fixes her hair and goes to a bar, there is a hidden force (biological, genetic) driving her to do this. They are there to find their mate.
Sociocultural Perspective:Individuals affected by group level factors (nationality, social class, historical trends). Norms can change quickly. This one has limited application in PU, but notice how quickly all people will start dressing alike as hairstyles/looks change. Fortunately, for us the sexual revolution has made it more socially acceptable for women to be open regarding sexuality. This is a part of our culture now, but remember that norms can change quickly.
Social Learning Perspective: Behavior is driven by past experiences with rewards and punishments. Children watching a video of adults being aggressive with a doll are also aggressive with the doll, those who see adults being non-aggressive with a doll treat it tenderly. We literally train people how to treat us. That's why it's oneitis is so crippling to "nice guys" who often go on at length about how badly they've been treated in the past. They are literally saying it's socially proofed that it's OK to treat them bad. It has a downward spiral effect.
Phenomological: Social Behavior is driven by subjective interpretation of events based on one's own goals. People do not discover reality, they event it. For example, you feel like a$$ because one chic dumped you, the next day you meet a chick that's more interesting/hotter/etc and suddenly you're glad you were out solo to meet the new girl. Now, being dumped seems to be a good thing. Things are only as bad as we allow them to seem. Think opportunities, not loses. We are fighting to win, not to simply avoid losing.
Social Cognitive Perspective: Examines the processes involved in people's choices of events to pay attention to, which interpretations to make of those events, and how to store those experiences in memory. Two people get told "not interested". One man scurries off tale between legs, the other simply believes she is playing hard to get and tells her how "cute" she's being. Who is more likely to go home with the girl?
SELF ESTEEM
Why do I feel it's difficult to raise my self-esteem? If you look at Maslows heirarchy it is simple to answer this question. Self-esteem doesn't come until after one has aquired Physical needs, safety needs, and social needs. One or more of these was probably lacking at some point in life. Now, we have to clean up the mess. We can't do this by hiding in a closet, that only takes us further down the heirarchy.
Instead, we need balance in life. A source of income to meet basic needs, a safe place to crash at night, and a social life that includes some positive reinforcement. As much as I recommend the Newbie Mission. I think alone it is insufficient. In addition to the newbie mission, you must reveal your intentions to women often (direct approaches) to plow through the toxic shame. Additionally, you must do as Swinggcat suggests and build a social circle of females who you are not trying to sleep with. This is both a source of honest feedback and positive reinforcement. Self-esteem will automatically be raised to some degree just by fuffilling the lower level requirements, which the mind recognizes is an accomplishment in itself.
YOU WILL BE JUDGED
Thrait theorist says personality is all we need to know to predict reactions. Situationalists says the situation determines the behavior. Actually, we find interactionist view is more realistic. Around 80% of the time we need to know both the personality and the situation to make reasonable observations. That doesn't stop the masses from having an opinion, though. You will be judged.
If you see a man jogging, you would probably conclude he is a jogger. How did you do this? Based on his behavior. You made an assumption of his personality and lifestyle based on his behavior.
Humans tend to have an fiundamental attribution error which is very often wrong. When observing behaviors we have a tendency to think behavior has something to do with personality..
Attributional biases are common in the 'community'. When we believe strongly in something, we tend to believe this is the direction the entire community is moving in by way of false-consensus effect, a tendency to overestimate the degree to which others agree with us..also seen as "everyone says.. or everyone thinks I'm..". Availability Heuristic biases us towards whatever is fresh in our minds, if we have negative thoughts these can override all the sound evidence that tells us we should get a positive outcome.
IS it true that if I act like a stud, will I be considered one? Representitive heuristic says we classify things as belonging to a certain category based on if it seems similar to a typical case of that category. If you demonstrate typical mannerisms/appearance of a cool guy, then you will be judged as such until proven otherwise. It is surprisingly difficult to pull this off. It is actually easier to actually really become a cool guy than to fake being a cool guy. All cool guys started by allowing themselves enough freedom from judgement to experiment with being cool. The most common belief held in the US is "I'm NOT ok, you're OK". Most of us feel social pressure to conform to genericness. You must overcome this. It is really quite easy, once you realize there is more to fear by holding back than letting go.
OK I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE, so Why can't I accept new ideas?
Turns out this is a common problem, and has to do with fallacies of the human mind.
Authority. It's much easier to take advice than to do research. The problem is seemingly symbols of authority can be fakes, even when they are household names. Take John Grey (Men are from Mars...) who turns out to have his PHd from a NON-accredited institution which later changed names and moved states. Taking expert advice is great, but check out the credentials. As it turns out, most of us won't actually do much with the advice until we are satisfied the messenger is a legitimate expert anyway.
Tennancity "Stubborness": Clinging to a set of believes even when the evidence coldly says "Hell No". Don't tie your self-esteem to a role or values that involve wins or loses. For example, if you take on this role of "badass" PUA, then you will become blind to your weaknesses due to a self-serving bias, and you will refute anything that clashes with the role you are playing. Additionally, anytime there is a string of PU attempts gone bad, you will be in the toliot. My base values are on things that cannot be taken away by anyone. Spirituality, basic belief that I am good, and love for life cannot be taken away from me. These are my base, everything else is just sensory input.
Emotion: This one often overrides logic. We know better, but listen to the emotions anyway. Emotions are very powerful. In modern society, it is nessacary to learn how to manage difficult emotions. It is often trying to protect our self-esteem. Unfortunately, hiding from the pain only prolongs it in the end.
Logic: Series of presuppositions leading to a conclusion. Logic can be logical yet inaccurate. For example, Girl's don't like short guys. I am short. Girl's don't like me. This works as a peice of logic. However, it is the very sort of mentality we need to avoid.
Common Sense: This is stuff so internalized you assume everyone feels it too using false-consistency (defined later). The problem is that versions of 'common sense' vary. Eventually, we can internalize new ideas and rules (more productive ones) to the point where they seem to be common sense.
DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES ON HOW WE GOT TO BE THIS WAY.
Evolutionary Perspective: Mystery has made this one famous around the community. Human social behaviors are rooted in physical and psychological predispositions that helped our ancestors survive and reproduce. If she fixes her hair and goes to a bar, there is a hidden force (biological, genetic) driving her to do this. They are there to find their mate.
Sociocultural Perspective:Individuals affected by group level factors (nationality, social class, historical trends). Norms can change quickly. This one has limited application in PU, but notice how quickly all people will start dressing alike as hairstyles/looks change. Fortunately, for us the sexual revolution has made it more socially acceptable for women to be open regarding sexuality. This is a part of our culture now, but remember that norms can change quickly.
Social Learning Perspective: Behavior is driven by past experiences with rewards and punishments. Children watching a video of adults being aggressive with a doll are also aggressive with the doll, those who see adults being non-aggressive with a doll treat it tenderly. We literally train people how to treat us. That's why it's oneitis is so crippling to "nice guys" who often go on at length about how badly they've been treated in the past. They are literally saying it's socially proofed that it's OK to treat them bad. It has a downward spiral effect.
Phenomological: Social Behavior is driven by subjective interpretation of events based on one's own goals. People do not discover reality, they event it. For example, you feel like a$$ because one chic dumped you, the next day you meet a chick that's more interesting/hotter/etc and suddenly you're glad you were out solo to meet the new girl. Now, being dumped seems to be a good thing. Things are only as bad as we allow them to seem. Think opportunities, not loses. We are fighting to win, not to simply avoid losing.
Social Cognitive Perspective: Examines the processes involved in people's choices of events to pay attention to, which interpretations to make of those events, and how to store those experiences in memory. Two people get told "not interested". One man scurries off tale between legs, the other simply believes she is playing hard to get and tells her how "cute" she's being. Who is more likely to go home with the girl?
SELF ESTEEM
Why do I feel it's difficult to raise my self-esteem? If you look at Maslows heirarchy it is simple to answer this question. Self-esteem doesn't come until after one has aquired Physical needs, safety needs, and social needs. One or more of these was probably lacking at some point in life. Now, we have to clean up the mess. We can't do this by hiding in a closet, that only takes us further down the heirarchy.
Instead, we need balance in life. A source of income to meet basic needs, a safe place to crash at night, and a social life that includes some positive reinforcement. As much as I recommend the Newbie Mission. I think alone it is insufficient. In addition to the newbie mission, you must reveal your intentions to women often (direct approaches) to plow through the toxic shame. Additionally, you must do as Swinggcat suggests and build a social circle of females who you are not trying to sleep with. This is both a source of honest feedback and positive reinforcement. Self-esteem will automatically be raised to some degree just by fuffilling the lower level requirements, which the mind recognizes is an accomplishment in itself.
YOU WILL BE JUDGED
Thrait theorist says personality is all we need to know to predict reactions. Situationalists says the situation determines the behavior. Actually, we find interactionist view is more realistic. Around 80% of the time we need to know both the personality and the situation to make reasonable observations. That doesn't stop the masses from having an opinion, though. You will be judged.
If you see a man jogging, you would probably conclude he is a jogger. How did you do this? Based on his behavior. You made an assumption of his personality and lifestyle based on his behavior.
Humans tend to have an fiundamental attribution error which is very often wrong. When observing behaviors we have a tendency to think behavior has something to do with personality..
Attributional biases are common in the 'community'. When we believe strongly in something, we tend to believe this is the direction the entire community is moving in by way of false-consensus effect, a tendency to overestimate the degree to which others agree with us..also seen as "everyone says.. or everyone thinks I'm..". Availability Heuristic biases us towards whatever is fresh in our minds, if we have negative thoughts these can override all the sound evidence that tells us we should get a positive outcome.
IS it true that if I act like a stud, will I be considered one? Representitive heuristic says we classify things as belonging to a certain category based on if it seems similar to a typical case of that category. If you demonstrate typical mannerisms/appearance of a cool guy, then you will be judged as such until proven otherwise. It is surprisingly difficult to pull this off. It is actually easier to actually really become a cool guy than to fake being a cool guy. All cool guys started by allowing themselves enough freedom from judgement to experiment with being cool. The most common belief held in the US is "I'm NOT ok, you're OK". Most of us feel social pressure to conform to genericness. You must overcome this. It is really quite easy, once you realize there is more to fear by holding back than letting go.