The one you can't seem to get the upper hand on!

[fortfun_24]

Do any of you have that one girl that you can't seem to get the upper hand on to finally take control BACK from her? For me it is my ex-wife, we have two kids together so we have to deal with each other on a pretty regular basis.

I was a total beta in our 7 year marriage and at the time I had no clue about betas and game, and since discovering all of it I have made some improvements but as you know it can be harder the older you get. She still sees the old me and when I'm around her it definitely rears its ugly head.

Just thought I would throw the question out there and see if any of you guys were divorced at all and had similar issues and how you dealt with them.

 

[Skalioppe]

Yeah I think we've all been there. But the only way to break the cycle is to tell them some home truths and say you aren't putting up with their sh1t any more, in a calm unaffected way and then DON'T put up with it, be prepared to push back and stand your ground without compromise. They'll throw a full on "paddy" over it, but don't budge - again tell her she's a petulant child and you aren't putting up with it. Rinse, wash and repeat. You'll soon notice the dynamic will change....

 

[Gro0ver]

Never

(jinxed myself now...)

 

[bigneil]

I don't think a man can ever regain control in the SHORT term, but if you go away for a few months (OP can't here) you can start over and hopefully start with the upper hand (good makeup sex, etc.).

Therefore, you hold out for control and if you don't regain it, you go away for a long time if not forever. I cancelled no less than 3 dates at the end of my last relationship because they were from a compromised position (once because she wouldn't wear my favorite hair style, once because I was actually busy that day, and once because she was too angry with me - my last text ever was cancelling that date).

I found that 70% of ex-gf's come back, but in 6-12 months on average. These are mainly the 19 year old women who come back when they are 22 (torqued and dorked). But women of all ages - and they will often apologize for how they handled the breakup, but only when they are reapproaching you.

 

[st_99]

Gaining or having the upper hand is simply a product of caring less than the other person, or at least on par. If you care more, you can never really maintain the upper hand.

 

[fortfun_24]

With kids involved I think it changes the dynamic of the "ex" relationship though. If they weren't involved it would be so easy to just not care and move on. But having to deal with her on an almost daily basis concerning the kids is a bit more difficult.

She and I have been getting along surprisingly well since the divorce, maybe even better than when we were married. Anyway on Friday she had a coolant hose come loose in her car in a parking lot right in the middle of town. Immediately she called me, what do I do, blah blah blah. She was right next to an Advanced Auto Parts place I told her to go in there and see if they can help her. I didn't offer to come get she and the kids or anything, it wasn't as dire of situation as she made it out to be, plus I was in the process of getting ready to go out with friends that night. Anyway, about an hour later I get the how dare you not come and get us, you really let me down, trying to lay a guilt trip on me which is what she always did during our marriage.

Anyway I basically ignored it and that just added fuel to the fire. I did receive a go "f" yourself txt as well, lol.

No need for a response I guess. Just venting... none of my friends are divorced with kids so my ranting falls on deaf ears a lot of the time. For whatever reason I refrained from sending a nastygram back other than telling her she needs to loose the attitude.

 

[evan12]

your ex-wife is like every bratt woman , she used to attack without facing coutner attack

look at this ***** here , she didnt try even to talk when she get a slap back from this guy , she thought he is like a lot of guys who wont respond to her slap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbFTf78xIyM

now

about an hour later I get the how dare you not come and get us, you really let me down, trying to lay a guilt trip on me which is what she always did during our marriage.

Anyway I basically ignored it and that just added fuel to the fire. I did receive a go "f" yourself txt as well, lol.

as I am seeing here , she always attack you without expecting any counter attack from you , that is why you dont have upper hand
your counter attack should be always a little bit higher than her so she wont try again
example :
she : how dare you not come and get us, you really let me down, trying to lay a guilt trip on me which is what she always did during our marriage
you : you are my ex , do you understand , learn to take care of your self I no longer care about you

she :go "f" yourself
you : "f" you ***** , you are just a peace of ****

if she take the phone and talk always take in higher volume and more aggressive accent than her , if she start insulting insult her back

 

[fortfun_24]

It makes perfect sense!! We shall see how it plays out next time a confrontation like this happens. Man it is hard to break old habits with someone you have known and been a certain way with for so long.

Thanks man!!

 

[Zarky]

Deleted, my response was geared toward single men.

 

[fortfun_24]

No need to delete anything Zarky, you never know who can benefit!!

 

[mikey2012]

Don't be emotionally invested. Be indifferent. By not caring you will automatically get the upper hand.

 

[cremasta7]

You can get the upper hand back, but it's absolutely critical that you do not let your game slip when you're talking to her. Someone who was with you that long knows all the chinks in your armor, make it clear to her that those chinks aren't there anymore.

Try your new found confidence and charm on her just for sh!ts and giggles. The important thing to remember is that you're not going to take her sh!t anymore and you're definitely not her lackey!

 

[bigneil]

You can get the upper hand back, but it's absolutely critical that you do not let your game slip when you're talking to her. Someone who was with you that long knows all the chinks in your armor, make it clear to her that those chinks aren't there anymore.

Try your new found confidence and charm on her just for sh!ts and giggles. The important thing to remember is that you're not going to take her sh!t anymore and you're definitely not her lackey!

Good points cremasta7. A popular question on the forum is "How long before you break NC?" Some say never, but I feel there is nothing to lose after a certain point, and that the real answer is to wait until you no longer care enough to become emotional. That can be a long time. You almost need to rehearse talking to her in your mind, and be wary of the spiteful (weak) things you might want to say, and erase them from the dialog. You must never complain about things she did, whine to her, refer to her not returning messages, apologize, talk about the breakup, yell at her, or argue in any way. All are anti-seductive but natural reactions to breaking up or being dumped.

Just keep your mouth shut, listen, make eye contact, make her feel attractive and project a positive vibe with how complete your life has been.