Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

The nature of confidence & fear - why trying to control it or protect yourself from bad outcomes leads to less confidence and more fear.

Nerevar

New Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2023
Messages
8
Reaction score
2
Age
43
This is an advice I head on a TV show from a psychologist. It's not about dating specifically but about confidence in general. Although I think it can apply to dating since there are many parts that involve confidence in dating as well as insecurities that people may have. Whether it's insecurities of not being likeable enough, not being fun enough, not being funny, not knowing how to make a pleasant converastion, not being a pleasnt person in general, etc.

First of all, he spoke out against 'positive psychology'.

You can tell yourself "I'm confident, I'm confident, I'm confident, I'm confident, I'm confident", you won't be.

You can even tell yourself "Let's do something fun, I know I will go there and it will be fun" which may help a bit but it's not long-term sustainable.

So without further ado, here is the nature of confidence & fear. And the key thing is that - trying to control it or protect yourself from bad outcomes leads to less confidence and more fear.

Where does confidence comes from? Think of something that you're confident about, let's say for the sake of the argument: driving and cooking.

Now, think of something that you are not confident about. You have low confidence, that leads to fear such as OCD, and that leads to controlling things. OCD - as in, you try to control everything to avoid the source of your fear, to avoid having your fear made manifest. Let's say for the sake of the argument that your fears are: the way you look and giving a public speech.

So those things give you high fear. Then, in order to reduce the fear, what you do is you exert control. So you have low confidence -> fear -> control.

This is how you exert control over your fears:
The way you look -> wear a hat and many other accessories to cover your face.
Giving a public speech -> pre-writing the speech and repeating it in the mirror.

While proper preparation prevents poor performance, so pre-writing the speech and repeating it in the mirror is adviseable, what you are basically doing is exert control. Exert control over your enviroment to avoid the fear. So then because you exert control, what happens is that your fear goes down.

So you temporarily got rid of the fear because you exerted control. So you have controls over all of those things, and this (wear a hat and many other accessories to cover your face) results in getting a compliment about your looks or having a good public speech. Because you used a controller you got a good result.

Does that lead to increase in confidence? or decrease in confidence?

Decrease.

It should lead to an increase, because you did good, you excercised control over your fear by taking precautions and now you've had a compliment about your looks or a good public speech, so what happened? why didn't this actually lead to an increase in confidence? this is what we think it's going to happen. But, once you take control your fear and take precatuions about it and are successful with it, it will only make you more nervous that the next one won't be as good as the last one.

Kind of weird isn't it? Yes, you did good, but you prepared a lot for it. And now you are afraid that you will fail if you don't prepare a lot for it, again. It didn't lead to an increase in confidence but a decrease. Now you need even more preparation for that good result.

This is important to understand: we think that confidence comes from successes. But the truth is that somehow, this decreases your confidence. Especially if you've made preparations for it.

If we look at the whole nature of the confidence and fear, we find: low confidence -> fear -> control -> good result -> decrease in confidence.

  • And the decrease in confidence leads to even more to low confidence.
  • And then fear increases.
  • And when your fears increases, you control things more.
  • And so your control increases. Your control or preparation for the events increases.
  • And then you have another good result, and then your confidence decreases.
You can see how all of this is a vicious cycle. This is how it works.

This is why you're screwed, it's weird.

By the way. Confidence = worth. So if you want to check your confidence level, you might as well ask yourself: what are you worth? Self-worth = confidence.

What are you worth when you're a top doctor in a hospital? a lot. What are you worth when you lose that job? zero. And that's another issue altogether: your worth as a human being is not intristic, it's not interal. It's based on external factors, and as long as that's true in your belief system.

As long as your worth is determined by external things, that's the very definition of lack of confidence. Because confidence is about worth that comes from within.
 

Nerevar

New Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2023
Messages
8
Reaction score
2
Age
43
Part 2 Confidence.

So what do you do about it? How do we fix it?

Let's take the positive examples from above: driving and cooking.

What is your worth when it comes to driving?

Well, you can do it without perparation, maybe wear the seat belt but that's about it and that's for different reasons altogether. Legal stuff and safety even though you can handle driving. You don't prepare with anything really, you just do it flawlessly. You just get into your car and go where you want to go. No fear. No drawbacks. You just do it naturally, easy. You don't need preparation, you know that you can drive, and you can do it easy.

Here's the punchline about confidence: let's say I'm teaching my kid to ride a bike and he's got training wheels. So when he rides a bike, the reason that he doesn't fall over is because he has training wheels or because he knows how to ride a bike? training wheels.

If he's fearful about riding a bike and I add training wheels, his fear goes down and what happens to his confidence? it's lower, because he's relying on the training wheels.

The training wheels are the control factor.

The wear a hat and many other accessories to cover your face in case of insecurity about your looks or the pre-writing the speech and repeating it in the mirror in case of insecurity about your public speech are your training wheels.

So now we go back to the nature of the confidence model: low confidence -> fear -> control -> good result -> decrease in confidence. What happens if you don't wear a hat?

You get rid of the control
. And oh boy you're afraid, you're scared as heck.

And then you go out there, and then if you have a good result, such as people compliment you anyway, what happens?

It's weird.

You accept it, but it's very weird, it came out of nowhere, you don't know what to expect or what to make of it. Because according to you, this isn't supposed to happen.

But what if you have a bad result?

Oh boy, your worst fears realised! You were right all along!

If you don't wear the hat, if you get rid of the control, your fear increases, but that's what happens when you take the training wheels off.

And here's the problem: you could have a good result or you could have a bad result.

But the funny thing is, either way, your confidence is going to increase.

Yes, even in the case of "your worst fears realised! You were right all along!" your confidence is going to increase.

Because now you are doing it without the training wheels.

Because if I'm with my kid and I take the training wheels off, he could fall, it's going to happen. But he's not always going to fall. And the more he falls or not falls, the more he's able to tolerate his fear.

The more he is able to understand the fear and realise that fear is not such a big deal.

Because, literally if I would talk to him about taking his training wheels off, he panics, because he's afraid, he's anxious.

If you're talking about overcoming fear, wearing a hat is not overcoming fear, it's feeding into it. More protection from fear through control leads to less confidence and more fear. It's making it go away artificially.

If you use forms of control to make your fear artificially go away, like perparing for it or using a hat, instead of grappling with it, instead of facing your fear, instead of having catharsis, your confidence is never going to grow.

All that's going to happen is that you're going to fall into the cycle over and over again.

And what you need to do unfortunately is face your fear.

This is the actual solution: By exposing yourself, you have the opportunity to learn about yourself. By exposing yourself, you can free yourself of this general problem.

And with the child, you can explain to him "hey, we're taking the wheels off, and you could fall, but if you do fall, I'm going to be here and I'm going to help you get back up, and we're going to try again". And the more that we do that, the more confident he is going to be.

The more he tries without the training wheels the more confident he is going to become.

When it comes to driving and cooking. Somewhere along the way, you let yourself drive and cook in spite of your fear.

And when you do things in spite of your fear, then what happens to your confidence? your confidence goes up.

Let's look at it like this: I want to drive -> low confidence, so if you give into your fear -> don't get in the car -> therefore: I can't drive.

Let's add a control factor now: I'm only going to drive with my instructor next to me, or with an adult next to me, always. What's going to happen with my confidence? it's going to increase or decrease? decrease to the point I will become dead scare to ever drive alone because I've never done it. DISCLAIMER: Training wheels do have their use, but there is a point where you have to take off the training wheels and do it yourself, alone, or else you're never going go grow, you're never going to get rid of your fear if you're never going to get rid of your control factor. And grow, because that's where growth happens, that's where the increase in confidence happens, outside your control wheels. And when you are facing your fears, when you are facing your worst possible scenario.

And regardless of the result, whether it's good or bad, you're going to get more confident. Because you're going to be like "hey, I can do it", "I know I can do it". Even if you drive alone and make an accident, as bad as it is, your confidence is actually going to increase, it's going to increase more than if you've never done it and always drove with an instructor or parent next to you, because you've done it.

It's weird but you are going to feel more confident in driving with a driving alone + accdent in your memory than no driving alone + no accident in your memory.

So let's say "I can drive", if the previous route goes to "I can't drive" how do we get here? How do you get to "I can drive"?

By driving and being good at it. But how do you get in the car to drive if you're not confident?

You just do it, and then you become confident.

Like this: I want to drive -> low confidence, but you don't give into your fear -> get in the car -> therefore: "I can drive". And sometimes "I can't drive".
  • This "don't get in the car" is inaction, coping, giving in to insecurity.
  • While "get in the car" is rolling the dice.
Sometimes you mess up. Sometimes you drive alone and your engine dies or you hit a mailbox, so you're going to be like "I can't drive". But guess what, your confidence is still going to increase, for the simple fact that you've done it.

Do you get how right here: either you control the factors and try to make all kinds of preperations possible to avoid the fear and don't open yourself up to hurt. Which is giving in to insecurity, or you roll the dice and go for it trying your best against the fear with no training wheels?
 

Nerevar

New Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2023
Messages
8
Reaction score
2
Age
43
Part 3 Confidence

Because sometimes as you try to drive a car -> "I can't drive". You fail.

But here's the crazy thing, if you think that you can drive. And then your remember all the times when you couldn't drive, it's not going to bother you, because even when I can't drive I can still drive. That is confidence. That's it.

Even when I can't drive I can still drive. That's the nature of confidence. Even when I have a bad ressult it's a good ressult. Even when I messed up I know still that I can do it, no training wheels. Even when people don't compliment me, I'm a beautiful person. You are accepting that you are flawed and you are laughing in its face. And you're okay with it.

But you could say, "that's so much easier, I think accepting the way you drive is a lot easier than accepting the way you look or the way you give a public speech". And that would be true, for you. But there are people out there who beg to differ. Different people have different fears. There are people out there who are fearful about how good they can drive and don't care so much about their looks and have no issue with giving a public speech, they can be very confident that they are good looking and gregarious so they know they will make a good speech but very afraid of driving because they feel like they can't do it.

Simply put: to gain confidence you got to roll the dice at some point. Rolling the dice means going out there and exposing yourself to your fear with no training wheels.

And the more that you give in to your fear, and this is true about OCD as well. The more you feed your OCD by extering control, the stronger it grows.

So you have two paths:
1. Low confidence -> fear -> control -> good result -> decrease in confidence.
2. Low confidence -> fear -> get rid of the control and go out there -> roll the dice and go for it unprepared -> good result or bad result -> increase in confidence.

Trying to control it or protect yourself from bad outcomes leads to less confidence and more fear. Protection from fear leads to more fear.

When you try to extert control over your fears and insecurities, it makes you feel less fearful in the moment because it makes you feel protected, but what happens is that it makes you fear more fearful in the long-term, it makes your current experience of fear less, but it makes the size of the fear beast in your mind bigger the next time. You succeded only because you managed to protect yourself from the fear, that's what you'll learn. So it will grow, the fear will grow.

Confidence starts with little things. You got to roll the dice and you got to take a chance. Unprotected, unfiltreted, without trying wheels, just being yourself out there and going for it.

Because another confusing thing is: people assume confidence comes from success, but actually confidence comes from failure. I survived it.

If you're afraid of something coming to pass: "I'm afraid of failing a class". And once you actually fail a class, and you're like "oh, I'm actually still around, I recovered from that". You're down in the pits a little while and you come out of it. However, avoidance is what makes the pit stay there forever.

Avoidance of class is going to make it worse than actually going to the class and actively fail right then and there.

And that's where confidence, faith in yourself, security comes from. It comes from overcoming challenges, naked, not stacking the deck in your favor so you don't have to face them.

When it comes to a public speech, you have to take a chance, you're not going to feel confident until you give people the chance to reject you and they don't.

You're not going to feel loved and accepted until you give people the correct chance to reject you and they don't.

Without wearking a mask, without stacking the deck in your favor, you're not going to feel safe and confident in yourself until you do that. Give people a honest chance to reject you by being there exposed naked and they don't.

And even if they do, your confidence will grow. It's weird, but that's how it actually works. It's the avoidance, the wearking a mask, the preparing for it beforehand, that makes things worse.

Confidence starts with little things. You got to roll the dice and you got to take a chance.

While being unprotected, unsafe.

And your confidence will grow regardless of the result.
 
Top