the lady's child...

[Big Pappy]

I'm just wondering -- for those of you with any experience dealing with your woman's kid from time to time in a non-exclusive, casual dating relationship -- how would you handle it if the lady's 9 year old daughter was acting up - obviously wanting her mother's attention -- but not getting it because her mother is busy trying to get some things done.

In other words, I went over to inspect something on her computer as a favor, and her daughter was bugging the crap out of me. She's a cute kid, but I really don't care to play the pirate game like Bill Cosby. And, I don't mind it every now and then, but sometimes I'm wanting to smack this kid.

Her mother, the girl I'm non-exclusive, casually dating, is really busting her butt, trying to work full time and go to school full time. How she makes time for me, I'm not sure I want to think about. It's just on thsoe occasions when I go over and the sitter hasn't gotten there, or there is no sitter and where staying close to home, the tyke is super hyper.

Her mom tries to calm the kid down, and it works for about five minutes, then it's hyper playtime again.

Anyone have any wisdom to shed, aside from NEXT? (It's a reason to not have kids with her - not a reason to stop dating her.)

 

[chili kat]

I know the situation, and it's a really tough question to answer. Honestly, I still don't know the answer.

But what I've had some progress with in the past was to change the play activity to something more subdued. I was dating a woman with a 2 year old sister and a 7 year old brother, and another with a 5 year old son. What I had noticed, in part, was that the kid just wanted attention, and it didn't matter what the activity was.

If the kid gets to decide what that activity is, it's going to be wild; especially if the kid likes you. When I had first met the kids, I was "Hey! Hey! Hey! Let's have fun!"....Like a fav. uncle. they get used to that. They wanted to keep it going.

After a while, I grew sick of having children hang off of my neck and giggling when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I didn't ask if they liked coloring, I said, "Hey! Let's color!". Sure enough, the coloring books came out and things settled down.

Best I can offer Pappy. Tough one.

 

[DJ Logic]

sneak some rytalin into her cookies

that will fix everything

 

[chili kat]

Originally posted by DJ Logic
sneak some rytalin into her cookies

that will fix everything

I'd love to kick your a$$.

 

[DJ Logic]

Originally posted by chili kat
I'd love to kick your a$$.

whatever floats yer boat holmes

but I think you are on the wrong site! LOL!

 

[Big Pappy]

I think what chili Kat was saying is that children, no matter how bratty are still kids. Drugs should never be considered unless a medical emergency arises.

Thanks to those of you that answered.

 

[princelydeeds]

Smile and be pleasant to the kid. Whatever you do dont say anything to the kid. No matter how wrong the kid is, even if the mother takes the kid in the restroom and whips her butt, stay out of it! I've been in situations like this enough to know, that women will resent the hell out of you, if you say anything but your kid is an angel no matter how bad they are. Just modify the times you see the mother. I just wouldn't go to their house when you know the kid will be awake. The mom defintely sounds like someone I wouldn't call until after 9pm.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by princelydeeds
Smile and be pleasant to the kid. Whatever you do dont say anything to the kid. No matter how wrong the kid is, even if the mother takes the kid in the restroom and whips her butt, stay out of it! I've been in situations like this enough to know, that women will resent the hell out of you, if you say anything but your kid is an angel no matter how bad they are. Just modify the times you see the mother. I just wouldn't go to their house when you know the kid will be awake. The mom defintely sounds like someone I wouldn't call until after 9pm.

I agree, but you still need to ask yourself if a FB is worth that kind of hassle. Remember, you are the one inserting yourself into their existing environment which worked for them, it wouldn't be fair to ask them to change especially if you are only a part timer.

 

[iqqi]

i think that maybe the mother is raising a brat?

 

[Big Pappy]

I think I am going to next myself from lady in question -- at a minimum, put her in the back of the rotation. She said something to me last night that got me thinking -- a dangerous thing for a man of action. It wasn't a date; we just drink at the same pub.

She was pretty down because she had done poorly on her final. So I tried to cheer her up and she just blurts out - " I miss my daughter."

So, I just blurted out, "are you sure?"

She looked at me, trying to figure out (I guess) whether or not I was serious. I was.

She said "Of course!"

So, fool that I am -- honest, consistent man that I am, I called her on this crap.

I asked her "Then what are you doing here having a drink? Go home. Spend some time with her. Put shaving cream on her forehead when she's asleep. Take her to the zoo tomorrow. "

And she proceeded to buy me and herself a car bomb. (love those carbombs!)
After a couple of hours, and me changing the subject of her misery about ten times, she went home.

So, I ask myself, what kind of woman is it that misses her daughter so terribly, but feels the need to hang out at the pub instead?

So, the woman has shown that in the long run, she's not a keeper. In the short run, she's just a bad decision maker with an a** made of stone.

Rats.

Now where is that other girls number....

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Big Pappy
So, I ask myself, what kind of woman is it that misses her daughter so terribly, but feels the need to hang out at the pub instead?

what? obviously one you could not empathize with, so it is best you next her.

i would say that having a child does not change the fact that she is a woman, with needs for companionship and a good time here and there. being a single parent is not easy. is she at the bar every night or something?

 

[NewMan]

Here's one....

Never date a single mom.

If only because, you will never be at the top of her list (of course her kid should and will come first)

Also, if she's had an "accident" once, what's stopping her from having one again - and perhaps keeping the baby. Obviously, she kept the frist - so it's the same for the second. Hello Daddy.

There's enough women out there without kids, so why bother?

 

[drixsa]

Pappy,

a woman like that is in a tough spot.

she has to raise a daughter out of wedlock, wants to educate herself and wants a good man in her life.

doing anyone of these things is tough let alone trying balance all three at once.

i am not telling you to next her or not to next her (though it will save you quite a bit of stress to "put her back in the rotation")

a bunch of my friends had divorced parents so it was always interesting to gain some perspective 2nd hand.

considering being in school & having a job are quite similar ive seen the perspective.

i think that for a mother/single female you almost have to choose one or the other.

Because this is where the majority of your free time is going to be spent.

if you take the time a woman in this situation has you subtract worktime(or school time) and then you subtract the minimum amount of time she has to do the required things for her kid(s). it leaves her with a (very)little bit of time for herself and the other time to either spend quality time with her kid(s) or to go out to bars/dates to look for a man.

so you can imagine the difficulty of her situation.

the only thing that really bothers me is that she is indecisive, and a bit confused. and you are seeing her situation clearer than she is (i liked the whip cream statement )

this is why i would tend to stay away from woman of this sort, becuase they dont have their life figured out at all, yet they have someone besides themselves to worry about

 

[Big Pappy]

is she at the bar every night or something?

- Iqqi


I fully understand how difficult her life is. I know that she is busting her fanny off. But, the answer to the question is "or something".

I did the math; she had this kid at 21. So, she missed out on a lot of partying. As a bartender, she's around the sauce every day that she works. In that environment, it's difficult not to join the rest of the staff on the "after party" outings. I wouldn't fault her if she were out every night. I'm not out every night and I'm not keeping tabs on her. My problem was with her pity party about missing her daughter at that moment and being able to go to her at that moment. What would she have lost? A couple of hours for a game of parchisi?

I understand that the life of a single mother who is working and going to school is no picnic. However, if I missed my mother, I'd go see my mother. If I miss my brother, I'll go see him.

I suppose I should have listened more closely. I think what she really meant was that she is tired of busting her ass and not seeing her daughter as much as she would like. It's difficult for you good people to evaluate that sentiment because you weren't there to hear the inflection, the tone, etc...

So, in a nutshell, I guess if she's compelled to stay out for social outlet, the least I can do is help her make the most of the free time she has by not flaking on her.

Thanks, guys, Iqqi.