The Field Reporter

[squirrels]

OK...I read the story...

from front to back this time. I liked the plot-twist in the end. I'd say using the "DJ slang" makes it seem kinda tacky...I'd say lose it and use normal words instead.

I do find it interesting that a lot of the things I said BEFORE reading your story were addressed by the story in one way or another. The most important point to be taken from the story, and the one I was trying to impress in my earlier comments is that inspiration isn't worth SH*T without action.

Understand that we're on the next layer now. The characters in your story are "inspired" by tales, but lack the fundamental will to WRITE the tales themselves through their actions. Now WE, the REAL people, are on the NEXT level...reading your story, getting inspired by it, but STILL lacking the charge and confidence to take it any further. Inspiration can be found in a story, in fact it can be found ANYWHERE, but charge cannot. I fear giving inspiration to anyone who does not have the will to act on it...I've been one of those people for most of my life.

Tell someone who's still plugged into the Matrix about Zion and the machines and the terrible conflict. They would laugh at you and lock you up. They must be FREED first to see the truth.

Tell this story to a bunch of struggling AFCs, they will laugh, cry, be inspired, but then go to bed and wake up the next morning unphased. I think this story has a lot to offer, but I wouldn't want it falling on the eyes of a newbie.

Summary: Good story, but here, to THIS audience, it could end up becoming a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not upset at you for using my handle...but I still don't want any mistaken credit for it. This is YOUR brain child.

 

[cootielicious]

Squirrels, for a self-proclaimed not so cultured person, you bring up views that are thoughtful on this matter. Again, I apologize for the confusion with my rhetoric.

There are only a couple of points I will touch in your critique of the story; one is the use of the "DJ slang." A point I brought up in the story was a storyteller's ability to get his audience to identify with his story. My thoughts were that if I did not give this audience some words or content they could identify within the story, they would be very unlikely to finish it. So "tackiness" was a risk I was willing to take. At other points in the story, they were simply used to catch the reader off-guard with humor.

"Tell this story to a bunch of struggling AFCs, they will laugh, cry, be inspired, but then go to bed and wake up the next morning unphased. I think this story has a lot to offer, but I wouldn't want it falling on the eyes of a newbie."

Yes, this is what happened in the story and this is the main thrust of the story. They will likely wake up the next morning "unphased" but maybe with some sort of continued support and encouragement through what ever form, they may just wake up the next morning really believing in themselves.
But giving them continued abuse and putting them down for their mistakes will work against this goal. With continued support from their fellow board members, they may one day have the confidence to go out and attract the woman that is right for them. Take care, Squirrels.