The Feeling of Disconnect Between Current You and Ideal You

Bourne

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It has been a while since I’ve been back on these boards. Long time has passed. I came to some conclusions lately and I wanted to come back and share some of my insight. Give back to the people that helped me when I was searching for myself.

I have always felt a disconnect between who I was and whom I wanted and strived to become. That ideal ‘me’. I’ve felt this disconnect many times before. I think its something that many people feel. Who you are right now and who you are trying to become, that space in-between is the feeling of disconnect.

I’ve also felt that gap of disconnect disappear at times. Many call it being present. Being in the moment.

Sometimes the distance of who you are right now and whom you are trying to become is large, too far away. Other times it is within your reach.

In my early 20s, that distance seemed huge. When I began working on myself, it became shorter and I began to see who I really wanted to be. Some days, the gap seemed smaller, but it would still be there. Other times less.

I often tried harder and harder to chase and bridge that gap of disconnect. I would say I need more x or y. I need more money, I need more experience, I need more time, more education, more reading more, more more…

That is a loosing game. You will never bridge that gap that way. Never.

I believe that you are already whom you trying to become. You are already that man.

Perhaps its fear, insecurity, lack of money or power or your past/current self that you hold onto. I don’t know what your reasons are. But that person whom you are trying to become and whom you are chasing, that constant feeling of disconnect is not actually there.

What you are missing is having the courage of self-expressing those qualities you are striving to gain, the courage of being that man you want to be.

The things that you want, the qualities that you desire are not out there for you to achieve and strive for. They are the qualities you already posses. These qualities are different from person to person. You can’t read a post or a book to gain them. You can only gain the insight of expressing them.

The disconnect you feel is the fear of self-expression. The expression of these qualities. It’s the fear of being rejected when you fully step into who you really are “want to be”. Unless you fully express yourself, unless you fully embrace that person whom you are trying to become, then in 20-30-50 years you will still feel this disconnect. This constant “I got to do more, be more, earn more…” will still be there.

Bruce Lee said it best, "To experience oneself honestly, not lying to oneself, and to express myself honestly, now that is very hard to do."

So fully embrace the real you, which is not the current you. But the real you, the real ‘you’, you are trying to become. Express those qualities to the world and not the qualities that are currently you. The whole idea of Law of Attraction is at work here. You get what you put out. So step into the ideal you, the ideal you right now. Stop chasing and trying to become. The ideal you may change over time, but the expression of that person you are striving to become never changes.

There is no gap of disconnect between the current you and the ideal you. Only failure of embracing and self-expressing those qualities that you so desire.
 

Atom Smasher

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Good thoughts there, Bourne. I would add that we need to spend some time clearly defining the "real", or what I would call the "actualized" you.

If you guys are interested in this subject I think you will find this thread of mine most useful:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155403
 

Jon55

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Bourne said:
I often tried harder and harder to chase and bridge that gap of disconnect. I would say I need more x or y. I need more money, I need more experience, I need more time, more education, more reading more, more more…

That is a loosing game. You will never bridge that gap that way. Never.

Oh my God. I've always had this feeling ever since visiting this site many years ago and doing exactly what you've described; trying to become someone that is you, but better. A "you" that is nearly ideal in your head, but is far off in the future. Someone you dream of becoming, but you soon realize that no matter how hard you work at it you never get any closer to becoming that "ideal you". Holy s--t. I've always understood that this feeling was there, but you've just managed to describe it and explain it. I cannot thank you enough. You have potentially saved me many, many years of trying to catch something that isn't there.

And sorry but I can't help myself, it's losing, not loosing. ;) But who cares, your post has changed my outlook permanently. And PLEASE, feel free to write more on this subject. Thank you again man.

I think the hardest part now will be to undo this mindset of constantly trying to chase something that isn't there while maintaining the mindset of always bettering yourself. I guess I'll have to find some kind of balance.
 

Warrior74

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Like my high school teacher told me about writing. You don't become a writer. You are a writer, or you are not. There is no process in between, it just is.
 

Tr9n

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This really, REALLY helped me to read. Living in the future where everything is idealized makes me feel like crap about the present and I don't get much done. I now know what I need to do. Thank you so much, I can't express how much this helped me. This is perhaps my #1 problem in life and you solved it!
 

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Maxtro

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Uh what?

I understand the disconnect part. But nothing below the line "believe that you are already whom you trying to become. You are already that man" makes any sense to me.

The distance between who I am and who I want to be is as wide as the Grand Canyon. I know it will be a long and hard path to change into who I want to be.
 

zekko

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I understand the disconnect part. But nothing below the line "believe that you are already whom you trying to become. You are already that man" makes any sense to me.

The distance between who I am and who I want to be is as wide as the Grand Canyon. I know it will be a long and hard path to change into who I want to be.
In some respects, it IS a bit of New Age BS.
But I think what he's saying is: You know the qualities that you want to express, so go ahead and express them. You have an image in your mind of the guy you want to be, so go ahead and act like that guy, BE that guy.

Now if who you want to be is measured by how much money you want to make, and you're not there yet, that would be a little different. In that case, be the guy who's working toward it.
 
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Maxtro

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zekko said:
In some respects, it IS a bit of New Age BS.
But I think what he's saying is: You know the qualities that you want to express, so go ahead and express them. You have an image in your mind of the guy you want to be, so go ahead and act like that guy, BE that guy.

Now if who you want to be is measured by how much money you want to make, and you're not there yet, that would be a little different. In that case, by the guy who's working toward it.
Ah that makes more sense. It still doesn't mean that it's easy or even possible.

I'd love to be a charming, charismatic man who makes friends easily and women throw themselves at. Instead I'm a loner that has a very hard time making friends and my social skills are underdeveloped. I can't just wish myself to change into the former.

That doesn't mean that I'm not trying to change who I am.
 

dbot

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Excellent advice. This is a MAJOR life lesson that can be very difficult to understand if you're unable to objectively observe and deconstruct your thoughts and actions.

Everybody loves the idea of uninhibited self expression. We all like to imagine ourselves with unlimited confidence, tackling even the most intimidating social obstacles like a champion. The reason many people are unhappy is because FEAR is keeping them from doing these very things. They don't want to act freely because by revealing their true selves to the world they're essentially exposing their soul. This vulnerability is something that 99.9% of us refuse to deal with, or even acknowledge.

However, what people fail to realize is that once all of your cards are face up on the table, you simply can't lose. People either accept your rules and boundaries, or they don't play. There is no longer such a thing as rejection... only non-participants.

A good rule of thumb when it comes to social encounters: If it scares you in any way, do it. A man’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he is willing to have. Focus on making your actions as instinctual and transparent as possible, and you will see yourself becoming the man you've always envisioned.
 

Bourne

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dbot said:
Excellent advice. This is a MAJOR life lesson that can be very difficult to understand if you're unable to objectively observe and deconstruct your thoughts and actions.

Everybody loves the idea of uninhibited self expression. We all like to imagine ourselves with unlimited confidence, tackling even the most intimidating social obstacles like a champion. The reason many people are unhappy is because FEAR is keeping them from doing these very things. They don't want to act freely because by revealing their true selves to the world they're essentially exposing their soul. This vulnerability is something that 99.9% of us refuse to deal with, or even acknowledge.

However, what people fail to realize is that once all of your cards are face up on the table, you simply can't lose. People either accept your rules and boundaries, or they don't play. There is no longer such a thing as rejection... only non-participants.

A good rule of thumb when it comes to social encounters: If it scares you in any way, do it. A man’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he is willing to have. Focus on making your actions as instinctual and transparent as possible, and you will see yourself becoming the man you've always envisioned.
That’s really good stuff. The fear is the hint that you must do it. Not something to keep ignoring.

Maxtro said:
I'd love to be a charming, charismatic man who makes friends easily and women throw themselves at. Instead I'm a loner that has a very hard time making friends and my social skills are underdeveloped. I can't just wish myself to change into the former.
Maxtro, just read what you are saying here. You wish one thing, but you are another. You are saying to yourself, "I am this...." This is huge disconnect.

Maxtro said:
I understand the disconnect part. But nothing below the line "believe that you are already whom you trying to become. You are already that man" makes any sense to me.
Here is the thing. You are not already that man. Why? Because you are failing to express those qualities that you desire.



This insight/advice is not "affirmation", this is not new age bs.

This is not wishful thinking.

Its your pure lack of self-expression. Failure to express the 'ideal' qualities you wish you had.

Some people still hang on to their past self. They think their past actions define who they are, but all you need to do is to begin expressing the qualities of 'ideal' you.


This may happen in a single moment you read this thread, or a single day for you to fully realize and become; or it may take months or years. This is up to you.

Also don't tell me it can't take a day. People who have a near 'death' experience, change in a single moment. They are no longer that person who there were. All this happens in one instance.

Don't read new books, posts, articles, etc for new information. You don't need new information.

Read posts, articles, watch videos for one thing, to gain new insight in how to express the 'ideal' qualities you desire.

This is very important. Don't read for inspiration, read to gain new insight on how to express those qualities. Inspiration doesn't last, but new insight will change who you are.

Reason you have your own 'ideal' you, is because you have the predisposition to already express those qualities. That is why the 'ideal' you is yours only.

Yes, fear will be there. Yes it won't be easy. But like dbot said, "There is no longer such a thing as rejection... only non-participants." Read his post again. Really good insight.

Exercise:
Write down in detail what is the ideal you like? How he acts, behaves? What does he do? How does he act around women? Around friends? etc

Write everything in greatest details on how, what this 'ideal' you is like.

Next is to begin to express those qualities. You may need to get new insight on how to express those qualities. If you want to have great leadership skills, but don't know how to express them. Thats when you read books, study other leaders who possess and express those qualities. Then, right away you begin to express them in your own life. Gain that insight if you don't have it yet.

Remember the key is, self-expression of your ideal qualities. You will begin to see a difference within moments you let go of your current self.

Begin to 'not move toward' but Begin to express your ideal self.
 
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