The desire to "rescue" a troubled woman. What is that about?

[Grasshopper73]

A very common theme with AFCs is oneitis for a woman who has had a very hard life (a lot of it by her own bad decisions, but that's another thread lol). Almost paradoxically, the guy who wants to "rescue" this woman, who sees himself as her would-be "knight in shining armor" is the one who becomes desperate, not her. And it is this desperation that scares the woman away or at least causes her to lose interest almost immediately. So its the would-be rescuer coming from a position of need, not the woman who is supposedly in such dire need to begin with. How does this happen? Where does this desire to "save" a woman come from? Is it a normal desire for a man to have, or is it exclusive to AFCs?

I've heard theories like: "he doesn't think much of himself, and he thinks that by fixing this woman's life he will like himself better", or "its just the desire in disguise of wanting to control a woman. he wants her to NEED him", or "he has intimacy problems, so he picks women who he knows probably won't work out, so he never has to deal with real intimacy". And why for most of my life have I tended to be most attracted to a female after she told me some of her hard-luck stories? After she has cried on my shoulder, so to speak? And why do I still sometimes find the idea of a nice, well-adjusted woman from a good family and a good future, a woman who really has her shyt together, just not very exciting? Can anyone here relate?

 

[Soyoushave]

Ok...answering for myself here:

I wanted to help my ex because she told me her problem, and I thought...if I could make her forget/accept that problem, I would be 'the hero' that helped her where others couldn't...so I would be the only one who completely knew her...which would give a bond so strong, that breaking up is out of the question (back then I had not even heard of this site...but you probably guessed that)

Basically the best thing you can do when dealing with these situations:

you are her boyfriend, not her psychologist...sure, she's allowed to talk about it now and then, but it should never become the main topic of your relationship!

Ofcourse...telling people what to do is far more easy than actually doing it yourself...otherwise we'd all be having LTR's with the most beautiful ladies

 

[SoldMySoul]

I made this grave mistake and I am still paying for it emotionally. I will never try it again. Because by doing so you take on her problems/ issues. From now on when they seem to have more issues than normal or that I can possible deal with, I run.. Forget the rescue of the troubled woman. It just is not worth the stress/ pain/ headaches it will eventually cause you.

 

[DJDamage]

you are her boyfriend, not her psychologist...sure, she's allowed to talk about it now and then, but it should never become the main topic of your relationship!

by doing so you take on her problems/ issues. .

Both good answers and just to add to what soldmysoul wrote: By taking on her problems and issues they soon become your issues and problems.

I remember how my relationship with my oneitis was. I was basically her therapist/surrgote boyfriend/emotional tampon/Captain Save A HO/ Comedian, doing whatever is neccessary to fix her problems and putting a smile on her face. In the end of it all it took a toll on me. her insecurities and problems infected me and after i tried dating her for several weeks she end up dumping me for another guy saying "what did you think we were in a relationship? well I am ending it but it doesn't mean we can't still be friends". That is when I finally started to understand women and realise that there is more sh1t out there that I need to know and more sh1t I think I know that needs to get out of my system. The fact that I put so much effort and time into this (almost a year) it didn't end with my d1ck in her mouth, while the guy she met 2 weeks ago without putting almost any time/ effort or listening to her problems was fvcking her like there is no tomorow.


What I can tell you is that in order to avoid these type of women that will use you due to her having a bad past, you need to be spining plates. Thus you won't develop oneitis and you will go out with women who will make you happy and add something to your life rather then suck it away (your life that is, you sick pervert! haha).

The book 48 laws of power has a law in it specificly for this problem:

Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

 

[KontrollerX]

Some of this desire to rescue in healthy minded normal guys who haven't learned the DJ game is simply their good nature of wanting to help someone and be rewarded for it with love.

In other guys that are sick themselves this desire to rescue a woman is really not about rescuing her but about rescuing themselves.

Something is broken inside men like this and they see their problem in the troubled woman and if only they can repair her they vicariously fix their own wounded souls through her.

Needless to say things seem to end in disaster for both types of guys.

 

[Alphamale1821]

"don't save her she, she don't want to be saved don't save her." - 36 mafia. True words to live by plain and simple. If a chick is fuucked up i don't want her and don't need her.

 

[speakeasy]

And why for most of my life have I tended to be most attracted to a female after she told me some of her hard-luck stories? After she has cried on my shoulder, so to speak?

Because it's an emotionally intimate experience.

And why do I still sometimes find the idea of a nice, well-adjusted woman from a good family and a good future, a woman who really has her shyt together, just not very exciting? Can anyone here relate?

Probably for the same reason some women would find a Trent Reznor type of guy interesting. Tortured souls are always more interesting than your happy go lucky 9-5 type person in the cubicle down the aisle. And trying to "rescue" such people increases your intimacy with them plus gives you some sort of a purpose.

 

[reset]

Some of this desire to rescue in healthy minded normal guys who haven't learned the DJ game is simply their good nature of wanting to help someone and be rewarded for it with love.

In other guys that are sick themselves this desire to rescue a woman is really not about rescuing her but about rescuing themselves.

Something is broken inside men like this and they see their problem in the troubled woman and if only they can repair her they vicariously fix their own wounded souls through her.

Needless to say things seem to end in disaster for both types of guys.

Exactly. Took the words right out of my mouth.

The funny thing is how the guy will play victim, "this crazy ho!!!" yet it's them who was one half of that relationship.

Like attracts like.

I had to go through something like this in order for me to really take a serious look at myself. Being in the land of OZ for just a short while was enough for me... now I'm here, other places, trying to become something better.

I can't imagine having a series of relationships like that. And I used to think all relationships were like that.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Women give most men purpose.

 

[Interceptor]

You can only "save" a person who WANTS to be saved.

You should NEVER be with a woman "because you want to help her."

It's either sexual, physical attraction complimented with her personality that you desire or NOTHING. No "I want to be her friend." or "I want to help her."


Say no to Capt Save a Ho.