Jordache.DJ
Don Juan
Jordache's definitive guide to online dating: the foolproof step-by-step reference to finding a HB on the inter-net!
(For anyone who has tried and failed, or is considering trying and failing to meet someone promising online).
1: THE APPROACH
__________________
1) Pick an online dating service and carefully write a profile about yourself. Use HotOrNot to check that you have a good photo. Oops! You are not as good looking as the fake celebrity photos your competition is using!
2) Customize your search to find the 10 HB's actually using the service in your area within a five year +/- age range that speak english, do not smoke, drink socially, like to go dancing and have pictures
3) Select a mate and smile/wink at her
4) Select all 10 mates and smile/wink at them
5) Login in two weeks
6) Customize your search to find any women in your area that speak english and have pictures
7) If you would normally hit on HB7 or HB8 women, subtract 2 and aim for HB5 or HB6 women.
8) Select 50 mates and smile/wink at them
9) Login in two weeks
10) Congratulations! you got a smile!
11) Pay $$ to the site to woo your potential love interest with an intro letter carefully crafted to fit her interests
12) Login in two weeks
13) Repeat steps 2-12
14) ...as many times as it takes
15) Congratulations! you got a letter!
16) Delete SPAM message from online dating service and repeat step 13
17) Congratulations! someone sent you a two line reply containing her MSN address!
2. ESTABLISHING REPERTOIRE
__________________
1) Plug her email address into MSN. login a few days later to avoid seeming *too* interested.
2) Login and find her online. She is "away." Wait until she is online.
3) She is "away" all week! Send a message in case she simply leaves her status at "away" to keep away people she doesn't want to talk to.
4) No response. Stay online until she gets back just in case.
5) She goes offline! maybe she did not see your message. Try again later.
6) Repeat 3-5 several times
7) You catch her going online! she immediately sets her status to "away" but you know she is there. You message her: "aha gotcha!"
8) One week later, she messages you: "who's this?"
9) You introduce yourself as someone from (dating service name here).
10) Roll two dice. Back to "approach" on any roll equal to or less than 12.
11) You have a scintilating conversation and ask for her number
12) (Two months of casual chatting)
13) You have earned her trust and her number. Call and arrange a date.
3. CLOSING THE DEAL
_________________
1) Arrange to meet in a safe place wearing unusual clothing so you will recognize each other.
2) Oh god, not many women carry neon orange handbags
3) Try your best to smile and introduce yourself
4) Buy her a drink. Buy yourself two.
5) Subtract two from her online appearance of HB5 or HB6.
6) Do not mention her weight
7) Do not mention her twitch
8) Do not mention her fashion sense
9) You came this far - might as well go all the way!
10) Bring home your proud new HB3 or HB4 girlfriend for thanksgiving to meet your parents
11) Find new parents
** inspired by valentine's day, the busiest day of the year for websites preying on desperate men **
** based on half a dozen actual internet dates **
** a reminder of why DJ skills are best applied to real live women! **
(For anyone who has tried and failed, or is considering trying and failing to meet someone promising online).
1: THE APPROACH
__________________
1) Pick an online dating service and carefully write a profile about yourself. Use HotOrNot to check that you have a good photo. Oops! You are not as good looking as the fake celebrity photos your competition is using!
2) Customize your search to find the 10 HB's actually using the service in your area within a five year +/- age range that speak english, do not smoke, drink socially, like to go dancing and have pictures
3) Select a mate and smile/wink at her
4) Select all 10 mates and smile/wink at them
5) Login in two weeks
6) Customize your search to find any women in your area that speak english and have pictures
7) If you would normally hit on HB7 or HB8 women, subtract 2 and aim for HB5 or HB6 women.
8) Select 50 mates and smile/wink at them
9) Login in two weeks
10) Congratulations! you got a smile!
11) Pay $$ to the site to woo your potential love interest with an intro letter carefully crafted to fit her interests
12) Login in two weeks
13) Repeat steps 2-12
14) ...as many times as it takes
15) Congratulations! you got a letter!
16) Delete SPAM message from online dating service and repeat step 13
17) Congratulations! someone sent you a two line reply containing her MSN address!
2. ESTABLISHING REPERTOIRE
__________________
1) Plug her email address into MSN. login a few days later to avoid seeming *too* interested.
2) Login and find her online. She is "away." Wait until she is online.
3) She is "away" all week! Send a message in case she simply leaves her status at "away" to keep away people she doesn't want to talk to.
4) No response. Stay online until she gets back just in case.
5) She goes offline! maybe she did not see your message. Try again later.
6) Repeat 3-5 several times
7) You catch her going online! she immediately sets her status to "away" but you know she is there. You message her: "aha gotcha!"
8) One week later, she messages you: "who's this?"
9) You introduce yourself as someone from (dating service name here).
10) Roll two dice. Back to "approach" on any roll equal to or less than 12.
11) You have a scintilating conversation and ask for her number
12) (Two months of casual chatting)
13) You have earned her trust and her number. Call and arrange a date.
3. CLOSING THE DEAL
_________________
1) Arrange to meet in a safe place wearing unusual clothing so you will recognize each other.
2) Oh god, not many women carry neon orange handbags
3) Try your best to smile and introduce yourself
4) Buy her a drink. Buy yourself two.
5) Subtract two from her online appearance of HB5 or HB6.
6) Do not mention her weight
7) Do not mention her twitch
8) Do not mention her fashion sense
9) You came this far - might as well go all the way!
10) Bring home your proud new HB3 or HB4 girlfriend for thanksgiving to meet your parents
11) Find new parents
** inspired by valentine's day, the busiest day of the year for websites preying on desperate men **
** based on half a dozen actual internet dates **
** a reminder of why DJ skills are best applied to real live women! **
