The COLOSSAL Guide to Online Dating

[Colossus]

Alright DJs, online dating is here to stay. It has finally become widely accepted to meet someone online, for those of you still worried about the stigma.

Online dating does get a bad rap, both here on SS and elsewhere. Some of this is warranted, but let's face it: never before in history has there been a time when you could view and filter so many potential women, from the comfort of your own couch, BEFORE you even meet them. This really is a boon for any man looking to play the field.

Now, I'm not saying that online dating should become your SOLE source of new women, but it can be your mainstay if you take the time to learn the ways of the keyboard and, most importantly, get EXPERIENCE with many different types of women!!! This is what it's all about. The browsing and messaging process is just a means to an end, and that is getting more experience and meeting women you may have otherwise never met.

I see a lot of threads about online dating pop up on the forums, but I have yet to see a really good, comprehensive, yet concise guide for online dating geared towards students of the game. So what follows is a compilation of tips, maxims, and methods I've amassed in my 5 or so years of online dating. I've probably been on hundreds of actual dates, had multiple LTRs, and many STRs and ONS (in my younger days), so I have learned a thing or two that can save you some time and effort in your quest to be well rounded experienced Men.


PART I: What site??

This depends on you, and what you are looking for. ONS? STR? LTR? I have used several, but my go-to has been OKCupid. I think it works best of you are in or near a major metro area. You get a really broad catchment area and a good width of social strata to comb through. It's full of 20-30 somethings, and best of all it's free.

For more LTR-ish sites, there is eHarmony and Jdate for you Hebrews out there, but I have only used eHarmony. First, the cost is somewhat prohibitive. But beyond that, I find the "type" of girl found there is somewhat homogenous---they kind of cater to the bland "everygirl" who wants nothing more than to find her soulmate and settle down with 2.3 kids and a golden retriever. So if this is you too....well, have at it. Personally I got along really well with the girls I saw from eHarmony, but I didnt find it worth the cost.

Other mega-sites include Match, and the infamous Plenty of Fish. I think Match is just a paid, less-varied version of OKCupid, so I dont recommend it; and POF is frankly for oldies and bottom-feeders. Dont waste your time.

There are some newer ones I am not familiar with, like How About We, but I dont know much about them. For DJs, I recommend not paying for sites unless the quality of others in your area is lacking.


PART II: Your profile

Believe it or not this is actually the easy part. Most important thing---HAVE GOOD PICTURES!!! What makes a good pic? Well, to start, dont fall into one of the classic online dude categories. These include (and I've surveyed my female friends for intel):

1. Tool-a-saurs Rex
Shirtless bathroom mirror pics, club shots, backwards hats, and a general Jersey-shore-ish vibe.

2. "My feelings hurt"
Posting long, boring diatribes about existential questions and the meaning of love and life. Poems, unknown authors, and an overall art-hipster vibe.

3. Mountain Goat
Every picture includes your dog, you in your 4x4, or action shots camping with bros. All of these are great, just not all in your profile.

4. The Tryhard
The guy that goes out of his way to show how "eligible" he is. Dont be him.

5. The Garage Band Bro
Long hair, patchy beard, guitar pics, and a general vibe that you are dubiously employed and offer no stability.


These are just examples. Remember, I dont use them to be judgmental, but if you want to maximize the number of dates you go on, you gotta avoid looking stereotypical. Think about how uninteresting it is when you see the same girl-profiles over, and over, and over....


So with pics, NO SELF SHOTS. Period. Look through your Facebook for shots of you and a couple friends, a sports photo, or a photo with you and your niece/nephew. No more than 5 as a general rule, but more than 2. Just keep it varied and if you dont have any, get some.

With your profile, LESS IS MORE. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to write, but in general you want to paint kind of a vague yet interesting picture of yourself. Your goal is to get girls to message YOU. List some likes, a few accomplishments, and a generalized job description (unless you are a professional like MD, lawyer, exec, business owner, etc, then be direct). You dont want to be deceptive, but you dont want to tell your life story, either. The key is, the less details you reveal, you more girls can inflect their own imaginings on you and get from online to in-person.

A few other pointers:
-Nothing negative!! Dont list your turn offs or dislikes, or your true feelings on women.
-Nothing about sex!! Comes off as pervy.
-Nothing TOO specific about what type of girl you are looking for. Cast the net wide.


PART III: Messaging

As a general rule, I like to let girls message me first. It's kind of backwards to the assertive DJ style, but this comes in later. This approach may or may not work for you. I have good pics, a professional career, and a well-written profile; which has taken me years to sort of fine tune. But, probably 8/10 girls I date messaged me first. You are self-selecting higher interest women.

If you do message a girl, 2 sentences MAX. No jokes. No anecdotes. No comments on her looks. Just simple small talk. Note something you have in common, or just ask her if she'd like to chat. If she doesn't respond, move on.

Dont exceed 6 or so emails, as a rule. By then there should be a number exchange or a date set-up. If she is dithering, or asking you to talk on the phone first, NEXT. I find talking on the phone with someone I've never met the most chumpish act there is. You meet, or you dont. Period.


PART IV: The Date

So finally you've landed a date. Dont get too excited, it's just a date. BUT---she could be the next Mrs. in your life or your next romp. So keep your game tight.

Location:

A drink. This is the safest, most one-size-fits-all first date. A drink at a classy lounge or casual, hip pub. No bars, as a rule. Go for more of a cozy feel.

Coffee is ok, but has more of an interview-type feel to it and feels like something you do with coworkers. Your discretion.

Dinner is absolutely out of the question for a DJ on a first (or even second or third) date. Too much investment in time and money for a girl you may not even like.

YOU pick the place, unless she offers a spot first. Be the leader here.

No more than 2 hours. Too long and you are killing the first date mystery. Too short and it gives the impression you arent into her. Of course, if you ARENT into her, then you can make an excuse and bail.

No deep personal info. Just keep it light, casual, and funny. Make the usual small talk, tell a story or two, find things in common. These should be your first date goals:

1. Assess attractiveness (yes or no)
2. Keep it light and fun
3. Find things in common.

These will build comfort and some rapport for a second date.


PART V: Dates 2, 3, and beyond

Once you have that initial ice broken, you can move your locale to something more conducive to Kino. An action date, a walk in a cool park, or museum, or festival, or whatever. Put yourselves in a position to touch each other, casually. Use your imagination.

I try to do more action-type stuff for dates 2 and 3, or move it to a lounge that has couches we can sit on. Then after a couple drinks we'll go for a stroll.

The whole point of the first three dates (other than figuring out if you actually LIKE her) is to build enough comfort move things back to your place or hers. This may happen sooner or later, but once you get a movie night under your belts, the girl is pretty much on your team.

 

[Colossus]

PART VI: Dress, logistics, and other pearls

Dress:

This is going to be largely up to your own style, but you want to look sharp on EVERY date. It speaks volumes about your lifestyle, your self-respect, and your standards. No casual Tees and jeans. Wear a slim-fitting V-neck with a blazer, a nice henley with a bomber jacket, good-fitting modern jeans, and FLY shoes, for some ideas. Shoes make the man. Like I said, up to your own personal style, but aim for nicer than you'd dress with your bros, but not so nice as "business casual". Style is really a whole different thread.

Logistics:

Pick locales that are neutral, if possible. As a general rule I dont date any chicks living further than 45 min away...it's just impractical. Always drive, so you have a way out if needed. Time of day is up to you...usually weekday evenings are best for first dates and weekend days are best for follow-ups.

You should pay the first date, unless she offers to split the bill. Then it's up to you. Dates 2 and 3 you can go dutch or pay yourself, but as a rule I dump any girl who hasn't OFFERED to pay by date 3. They have an entitlement mindset.


Pearls:

-Adhere to the 2 Strike Rule---if she is really interested, she has 2 chances to accept your approach. Otherwise, done.

-Adhere to the 1 Strike Rule---if she disses you, criticizes you, blows you off, rejects a date idea without a counter-offer, is late more than once, or doesn't return more than a couple texts, she is done. Respect thyself.

-Try to date more than 1 girl at a time. 2-3 is best. This will keep you confident and fresh, not needy.

-Dont do more than 2 dates total in a week. I say this because not only does it get time consuming and expensive, but when you are just rolling through numbers you start to see only patterns, not people. All girls start to look the same and you get tired of telling the same stories and answering the same questions, over and over. You need to have a balanced life and keep your outlook on women fresh.

-Avoid phone calls unless to confirm a time/place. You talk on dates.

-Avoid excessive texting. It kills the mystery.

-It is a numbers game. Most chicks you run across wont jive with you for one reason or another. Just accept it and get back in the saddle.

-Dont let other facets of your game atrophy. It's easy to fall into a comfort zone of online dating only and never go out and approach a girl in the wide world every now and then. I've done this for years and now find myself lacking in this area of game. If your lifestyle is amenable to "outside" approaches, do so.

-A girl who says "thank you" often is usually a good bet. She is a giver, and appreciates being given to. Also watch how she treats your home. Does she clean up after herself, ask before she uses anything, and respect your things? All good signs.

-As far as IOI's, generally if she keeps going on dates with you she is interested. Refer to Bradd80's amazing "Secret Guide" for an exhaustive list of IOI's, red flags, and so on.

-This is just my personal preference, but I avoid sex until after date 3. I find things are much less messy this way and I can actually assess if I want her in my life, or on my manhood. Careful, bros. Many an unwitting man has caught an STD or got a girl pregnant from careless encounters. That may sound parental, but you really dont know the meaning of regret until it's happened to you. Wear a condom until she is your gf!!! NO exceptions!!!

-On that note, if she is putting up roadblocks or making "rules" of physical engagement after date 3, beware. She is trying to control the situation and not just let it happen naturally. Girls like this, and ones who say "I'm worth the wait", are not.

-Keep your pad presentable. Tidy things up and have it smell nice. Clean your freaking bathroom, she will be using it. Take some pride in your castle.

-2 drink maximum on dates!!! It may "feel" right to keep going when you're having a great time, but it will derail your game. You need to be alert and sharp.

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That's about all I have for now. I may add tips and other installments from time to time, and feel free to add your own pearls as well. Good luck!!!