I haven't been able to find much info in here about "the break" in a LTR. I'm a 26 yr old grad student and I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year. She was the one who first pursued me through some friends, and she even asked me out first! We got along great immediately, especially bc we both study very similar areas and have a bunch of the same academic interests and professional goals. I met her family in the summer and she's met mine and we've all gotten along great. Her friends seem to like me as well, and she always seemed crazy about me. Our current situation is very particular, but I need some advice. I'm a little more reserved socially and she is very adaptable and outgoing, but I'm also a performing musician, which she likes. She was the first to say "I love you" and was the first to bring up marriage and moving in together. Until about thanksgiving we had plans to move in together next summer - possibly - depending on whether i stay living here or go off to another city (i'm applying to other PhD programs). She's gonna be staying here doing her PhD. I was leaning more towards staying bc i love her enough to marry her, plus this university we're at has a lot to offer still. Anyways everything was great till Thanksgiving. I went to see my family down south and she went up north to see hers. When we returned there seemed to be some distance between us and some moments of silence, but nothing much changed. She was more distant on an intimate level too. I finally told her we had to talk about improving our relationship and she broke down and told me that over thanksgiving, she started to realize that maybe we aren't as compatible as she thought and that these doubts made her feel guilty bc i treated her so well. I was very supportive and told her these things were normal. She said she needed to think bout things. Our one yr anniversary was that same week and i she acted very grumpy and short with me and didn't get me a gift. Then we left back to our families homes for vacation. She's basically telling me she still cares for me but is not sure we could be life partners and this scares her. I tried to convince her not to throw things away - pressuring her on this. Then i skyped her and told her we needed a real break, bc this wasnt healthy. However i gave in a couple days later and was Mr. Wussy again trying to convince her to be rational and work. I emphasized from the beginning i was willing to work on our problems and that i valued our relationship. Now we're back from Christmas break and bout to start school again, and i've got to see her to exchange gifts still. We're not on bad terms but she doesn't seem very interested. The past two days i've been re-educating myself on this site and I realize i've been too nice and that i've lost dominance. I want her to see me as a man, and so i'm thinking about letting her call me, then sitting her down and telling her that i'm ready to move on and see other people. A part of me wants to be patient but no longer needy and available, and another part wants to tell her i'm moving on... I want her back in the end, but i know i cant show this weakness. In the coming months i have to decide where im going to school and this decision i know would affect the relationship, if it's still there. Some help please! I'm worried i may be too late to put my foot down!
the break
- Thread starter Candela
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Joe Stud
Master Don Juan
Stop. Think. You are young, and have a lot of life to live. If you suggest "taking a break", you will be taking back the frame. Then, you must spin other plates, sample other women, and let the chips fall as they do. You cant MAKE a woman love you, or want you. So if you take the lead, you will be back in control. You will exhibit Alpha behavior, and feel stronger. Her behavior is usually (not always) the product of finding another male interest. Either way, if you show strength, you will be truer to yourself.
I would say that you are right about it being too late. I wouldn't be surprised if when you get together to exchange gifts that she breaks up completely with you.
Her interest level has fallen too low. When this happens it is next to impossible to bring it back up. She has already altered her perception of you.
Any obvious attempts you make to regain her interest are going to come off as needy and desperate. Trying to be a challenge or get her to chase only works on higher interest girls. It's a tough situation for you and there isn't much you can do right away to get her back.
If you really want to get her back here is what you do.
You should break up with her before she does it first. Do it on good terms. Let her know that you think that the two of you had some thing REALLY special but lately you feel that something is missing. You are VERY disappointed that it's over but you feel that both of you deserve something more. Don't say anything about still being friends, etc. Give her the impression that things are indeed completely over between you. Make sure there are no hard feelings and things end on good terms.
After the breakup you need to really move on quickly. No d!cking around with heartache etc. You need to get back in the saddle and start dating other girls right away. The more the better. As a performing musician you shouldn't have any problems attracting girls and the more social proof you can sap from that the better as well. Playing some gigs on campus could be huge as women will be competing for your attention in your ex's presence.
Any interaction with your ex should be kept to an absolute minimum. If you do speak be polite but always little too busy to spend anytime talking to her. End any conversations first.
You need to display the following to your ex:
- you broke up on good terms
- you moved on completely without any silly heartache or depression
- you are no longer thinking about her
- you are happy, fun, and positive without her
- you are in demand with many women
- despite being in demand you aren't getting locked down by anyone less than perfect
- you are focused on your career, your music, your friends moreso than women.
The truth is that if you do follow all of this advice, the chances of your ex coming back isn't guaranteed at all. However if you mess up on ANY of these things the chances of her coming back are close to nil.
Come the end of the semester if you follow this advice you probably won't even care if your ex comes back anyway. If you do follow this advice there is a decent chance that you've given her reason to re-evaluate her perception of you again. Then and only then is there a chance for her interest level to rise.
Do yourself a favor and live your life to the fullest. You are in your prime and do not need to waste anytime worrying about a low interest girl. 26 years old, musician, Phd, still in school with tons of available hot chicks. You are crazy tying yourself to one chick. Trust me, years down the road you'll kick yourself for doing that. This advice is coming from a 37 yr old who dated lots of girls and had lots of girlfriends throughout his life. If I had to do it all over I would lessen the number of serious gfs and have more fun being single.
Good luck
Her interest level has fallen too low. When this happens it is next to impossible to bring it back up. She has already altered her perception of you.
Any obvious attempts you make to regain her interest are going to come off as needy and desperate. Trying to be a challenge or get her to chase only works on higher interest girls. It's a tough situation for you and there isn't much you can do right away to get her back.
If you really want to get her back here is what you do.
You should break up with her before she does it first. Do it on good terms. Let her know that you think that the two of you had some thing REALLY special but lately you feel that something is missing. You are VERY disappointed that it's over but you feel that both of you deserve something more. Don't say anything about still being friends, etc. Give her the impression that things are indeed completely over between you. Make sure there are no hard feelings and things end on good terms.
After the breakup you need to really move on quickly. No d!cking around with heartache etc. You need to get back in the saddle and start dating other girls right away. The more the better. As a performing musician you shouldn't have any problems attracting girls and the more social proof you can sap from that the better as well. Playing some gigs on campus could be huge as women will be competing for your attention in your ex's presence.
Any interaction with your ex should be kept to an absolute minimum. If you do speak be polite but always little too busy to spend anytime talking to her. End any conversations first.
You need to display the following to your ex:
- you broke up on good terms
- you moved on completely without any silly heartache or depression
- you are no longer thinking about her
- you are happy, fun, and positive without her
- you are in demand with many women
- despite being in demand you aren't getting locked down by anyone less than perfect
- you are focused on your career, your music, your friends moreso than women.
The truth is that if you do follow all of this advice, the chances of your ex coming back isn't guaranteed at all. However if you mess up on ANY of these things the chances of her coming back are close to nil.
Come the end of the semester if you follow this advice you probably won't even care if your ex comes back anyway. If you do follow this advice there is a decent chance that you've given her reason to re-evaluate her perception of you again. Then and only then is there a chance for her interest level to rise.
Do yourself a favor and live your life to the fullest. You are in your prime and do not need to waste anytime worrying about a low interest girl. 26 years old, musician, Phd, still in school with tons of available hot chicks. You are crazy tying yourself to one chick. Trust me, years down the road you'll kick yourself for doing that. This advice is coming from a 37 yr old who dated lots of girls and had lots of girlfriends throughout his life. If I had to do it all over I would lessen the number of serious gfs and have more fun being single.
Good luck
Luthor Rex
Master Don Juan
Dude... paragraphs make for easier reading. k thx
I mean they have certain goals like:
"I should be in a serious relationship by xx years old."
"I should have a good boyfriend to take home to mom and dad."
"I should be married by xx years old."
"I should have xx kind of wedding."
"I should have xx numbers of babies by xx age."
For these women the man in the picture doesn't matter so much as long as he can fulfil her desires. He is of instrumental use to her: she wants him for what he can give her. Can he give her the house? Can he look good in front of mom and dad? Is he willing to provide babies? Is he a stable provider? Does he have a pulse?
Things like intimacy, compassion, bonding, mutual support, etc. are only a means to the ultimate end of hooking the man who can give her the things she wants. In this old thread, read about the two women Victory Unlimited were dating. One will support her man and one is similar to the kind of user I describe here.
It's sad to say but a lot of young girls are like this (ok, old ones too). None of this is at a conscious level (usually women aren't introspective enough to know their own motives), so don't expect these kinds of women to "act evil." These women want their lives to be a certain way and they will get their way if they have to beat everyone around them into submission. Which reveals the strong component of narcissism in their character.
Typically these girls will break up with a man when they think he can no longer serve her instrumental purposes.
These women are of low character because they will treat the man in their lives as machines to perform a job rather than human beings who have their own independent souls. These women are also the most resistant to change, because they do not have the ability to step outside of themselves and be honest about their own sneaky motives.
Now, I'm not going to tell you that your girl is 100% for sure this kind of woman. Let's be honest: I'm some guy a thousand miles away typing on a keyboard, there is no way I could know for sure.
Instead, I would say: read what I've written, think about your girl, and see if it fits. If it does fit, then you know what's up. If it doesn't fit... well like I said I'm some guy typing on a keyboard a thousand miles away from you, so I'm probably not the best judge.
Ok that is a bit extreme, but when people act like this they are concealing something from you. I don't know what it is in this case, but most people aren't good liars / good at hiding things, and betray themselves in their words & deeds.
When someone's stated motives contradict their actions, this is a good sign there is some hidden motive to their behavior.
A lot of girls fall in love with "being in love". That may be the case here. It is an unfortunate truth of our time (not that I've live in another time) that many women will pursue you for mercenary reason. No, I don't mean your money.jarmstrong83 said:
I mean they have certain goals like:
"I should be in a serious relationship by xx years old."
"I should have a good boyfriend to take home to mom and dad."
"I should be married by xx years old."
"I should have xx kind of wedding."
"I should have xx numbers of babies by xx age."
For these women the man in the picture doesn't matter so much as long as he can fulfil her desires. He is of instrumental use to her: she wants him for what he can give her. Can he give her the house? Can he look good in front of mom and dad? Is he willing to provide babies? Is he a stable provider? Does he have a pulse?
Things like intimacy, compassion, bonding, mutual support, etc. are only a means to the ultimate end of hooking the man who can give her the things she wants. In this old thread, read about the two women Victory Unlimited were dating. One will support her man and one is similar to the kind of user I describe here.
It's sad to say but a lot of young girls are like this (ok, old ones too). None of this is at a conscious level (usually women aren't introspective enough to know their own motives), so don't expect these kinds of women to "act evil." These women want their lives to be a certain way and they will get their way if they have to beat everyone around them into submission. Which reveals the strong component of narcissism in their character.
Typically these girls will break up with a man when they think he can no longer serve her instrumental purposes.
These women are of low character because they will treat the man in their lives as machines to perform a job rather than human beings who have their own independent souls. These women are also the most resistant to change, because they do not have the ability to step outside of themselves and be honest about their own sneaky motives.
Now, I'm not going to tell you that your girl is 100% for sure this kind of woman. Let's be honest: I'm some guy a thousand miles away typing on a keyboard, there is no way I could know for sure.
Instead, I would say: read what I've written, think about your girl, and see if it fits. If it does fit, then you know what's up. If it doesn't fit... well like I said I'm some guy typing on a keyboard a thousand miles away from you, so I'm probably not the best judge.
Either she met some other guy who she thinks is higher value than you are, and is thinking she should "try to get better", or she fvcked some other dude.jarmstrong83 said:
Ok that is a bit extreme, but when people act like this they are concealing something from you. I don't know what it is in this case, but most people aren't good liars / good at hiding things, and betray themselves in their words & deeds.
When someone's stated motives contradict their actions, this is a good sign there is some hidden motive to their behavior.
You need to accept, for your own self-preservation, that this may just not happen.jarmstrong83 said:
sodbuster
Master Don Juan
search we should" take a break". Should lead you where you need to go. We've had threads on it in the past.
Slickster, i took your advice and broke up with her today... she seemed very serious after i told her i was moving on, but she didn't say anything about giving it a 2nd chance. We'll see how she reacts; i think she'll see me in a different light now. At first i felt kinda down, but a couple hours after i broke up with her another girl i used to date almost 2 yrs ago calls me about a gig, but she also wants to get together and have lunch to catch up! Told her i was busy at the moment but to get back to me about it... Feelin much better alreadySlickster said:
what to do if she initiates contact/reconsiders, or tries to keep contact as friends? should i break off ALL contact and delete her from my life, or maybe do this until a certain amt of time has passed? she said she didn't want animosity to keep us from being friends; i just told her i had no hard feelings. i don't want to be rude, but i also don't want to give her an opportunity to try to make me feel bad. i figure i wouldn't delete her from facebook and make a scene with friends/family but at the same time not return any contact attempts she might make. what to do if i see her at a bar we both go to? ignore her and her group of girlfriends (many of which are pretty much my friends as well)? this may occur since we live in a small university town... i dont want our friends/family to see me as evil/rude, but i dont want her to see any breaking on my part.
yaynyppys!
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2010
- Messages
- 15
- Reaction score
- 1
Be happy you knew about this forum before she had a chance..
Dude.. I just turned 27. My ex-gf and I broke up over the past summer with very similar circumstances.. both grad students, she just kinda went all ****ed up like women do when they want out. It was pretty heartbreaking because I was really, really heavily invested in her and didn't somehow know **** about how things go when they end..
I got burned really badly and then I found the forums. I just wrote off getting burned and concentrating on moving on with life.. It's way more fulfilling, especially at both of our stages: ambitious, young and in universities filled to the brim with beautiful women.
So maybe it would be less complicated and way more fulfilling for you to just live your life and do things for yourself, without considering whether it would get her back into your life, whether what you decide to do is rude or whether her/your friends/family think you're an *******.
If they think you're an *******, then **** them.. At least you'll retain a pretty big measure of self-respect and happiness.
This has worked out pretty well for me given the sad state of my affairs in August.
Dude.. I just turned 27. My ex-gf and I broke up over the past summer with very similar circumstances.. both grad students, she just kinda went all ****ed up like women do when they want out. It was pretty heartbreaking because I was really, really heavily invested in her and didn't somehow know **** about how things go when they end..
I got burned really badly and then I found the forums. I just wrote off getting burned and concentrating on moving on with life.. It's way more fulfilling, especially at both of our stages: ambitious, young and in universities filled to the brim with beautiful women.
So maybe it would be less complicated and way more fulfilling for you to just live your life and do things for yourself, without considering whether it would get her back into your life, whether what you decide to do is rude or whether her/your friends/family think you're an *******.
If they think you're an *******, then **** them.. At least you'll retain a pretty big measure of self-respect and happiness.
This has worked out pretty well for me given the sad state of my affairs in August.
Remember....jarmstrong83 said:
"Any interaction with your ex should be kept to an absolute minimum. If you do speak be polite but always little too busy to spend anytime talking to her. End any conversations first."
If she tries to reconnect and wants to be friends say "ya sure" but don't kid yourself. You need to put space between you two. If you run into her a quick "hi how you doing" is fine but move on quickly and give her nothing in terms of interest. You have to display that you are way too busy having fun without her.
If you are still harbouring feelings for her then you should try to avoid her and her facebook page completely for a while. Don't torture yourself man. As I said you need to start dating other women immediately and get your mind off of your ex. This is critical for your sanity and if you want any hope for the two of you in the distant future.
Mutual friends are ok but you need to be careful that you don't get into any awkward situations. If you are at the same bar or club just be super cool and enjoy yourself and pretend your ex isn't even there. She may try to make you jealous at some point. Depending on your mindset you should either get the hell out of there or just be super cool about it an don't let it bother you at all. Tough to do if alcohol is involved. You must keep any drama to an absolute minimum.
There is a good chance that one of you is going to get nostalgic in the near future and suggest a reconnection. This a bad idea if you want any chance at a successful relationship. Some significant time has to go by otherwise you'll just go back to the same situation.
Start seeing other women. Don't flaunt it in front of her as that can be seen as you trying to make her jealous. If she happens to hear about it through mutual friends that is better.
Good luck and keep us posted.
P.S. Did I mention date other women?
update
Slickster: "Good luck and keep us posted."
Thanks slickster, so here's an update: a couple of days after the breakup she texts me to see how i my week at school went, and after a couple of hours says "why are u ignoring me" to which I replied that everything was great and it was nice to hear from her. Last night, 1 1/2 wks after the breakup, she talked to my sister online and told her she was still very confused but that i seemed to be confident with my decision and was ready to move on, and she wasn't sure about a future between us. My sister didn't say anything about me except that i was doin fine and keepin busy. She told my sister she wanted to talk to me about things. So my ex calls me this morning and leaves me a message saying she wants to see how things are.
I called her a couple of hours later, and she texts me "i'm sorry im in a fellowship meeting" and she calls me afterwards. I pick up and we talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her i'm busy working and tell her a couple of exciting things i'm looking forward to. She offered to help with this class i'm teaching if i wanted, to which i just said ok but kind of ignored. I projected that i was calm, confident, and doin fine without her. She brought up the convo with my sister and said she seemed concerned about us, and she brought up the topic of "a future between us." I just said that we had to be content and appreciate what we have without dwelling in the past and be confident in our decision. Now, i would love another shot with this girl, bc she is near perfect to me and i thought was going to marry her. So I want her to see me as confident and independent now, but i don't want to push her to the point of her seeing no chance with me and just moving on. Am I doing the right things so far, and how do I need to be over the next weeks to keep her interest piqued? I know communication needs to be limited, and it's still very fresh, so this is all tricky; when i broke up with her in the first place i told her i was disappointed it was over and that we had something special, but that i was ready to move on.
Slickster: "Good luck and keep us posted."
Thanks slickster, so here's an update: a couple of days after the breakup she texts me to see how i my week at school went, and after a couple of hours says "why are u ignoring me" to which I replied that everything was great and it was nice to hear from her. Last night, 1 1/2 wks after the breakup, she talked to my sister online and told her she was still very confused but that i seemed to be confident with my decision and was ready to move on, and she wasn't sure about a future between us. My sister didn't say anything about me except that i was doin fine and keepin busy. She told my sister she wanted to talk to me about things. So my ex calls me this morning and leaves me a message saying she wants to see how things are.
I called her a couple of hours later, and she texts me "i'm sorry im in a fellowship meeting" and she calls me afterwards. I pick up and we talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her i'm busy working and tell her a couple of exciting things i'm looking forward to. She offered to help with this class i'm teaching if i wanted, to which i just said ok but kind of ignored. I projected that i was calm, confident, and doin fine without her. She brought up the convo with my sister and said she seemed concerned about us, and she brought up the topic of "a future between us." I just said that we had to be content and appreciate what we have without dwelling in the past and be confident in our decision. Now, i would love another shot with this girl, bc she is near perfect to me and i thought was going to marry her. So I want her to see me as confident and independent now, but i don't want to push her to the point of her seeing no chance with me and just moving on. Am I doing the right things so far, and how do I need to be over the next weeks to keep her interest piqued? I know communication needs to be limited, and it's still very fresh, so this is all tricky; when i broke up with her in the first place i told her i was disappointed it was over and that we had something special, but that i was ready to move on.
Bible_Belt
Master Don Juan
Joe Stud
Master Don Juan
stay the course bud... aloof and "kinda busy right now". Make her see you are fine
First I just wanted to congratulate you on what you've done. It is incredibly rare to see a guy in a situation that you were in take the initiative and commit to such a bold and seemingly self-defeating position as you have; most guys are too overcome with desperation to be able to get as far as you have, so congratulations. You really deserve it.jarmstrong83 said:
Now, I think based on this above quote you're looking at this the wrong way. This isn't just some ploy to get her interest level back up; you broke up with her. This means that the relationship is over and that any semblance of "working it out" is gone. The "strategy" presented earlier in this post that you followed was not simply about getting her to increase her interest level but rather giving you time to reflect on both the relationship and (more importantly) yourself, as well as completely reframing the dynamic between you two. What this restructuring could mean is that you two stop talking completely and move on with your lives never to hear from each other again.
You need to learn to accept that that is a possibility. This break up isn't just about getting her back but rather giving you a time to reflect. You need to focus on yourself for now, and accept the fact that you will not be with her again. Only once you have really thought about yourself and your situation will you be ready to think about being with anyone else, much less this woman.
If you want to keep the possibility open (and I know you do) then you need to continue doing what you're doing; be pleasant with her and friendly when she contacts you, but keep it short, be somewhat distant and let her know (both explicitly and implicitly) that you have a lot going on in your life and aren't overcome with desperation for her. Also, now that you've had a talk about the breakup, from now on avoid talking about it with her at all costs. If she brings it up then say something that isn't very substantial and change the subject. You want to get the point across to her that while the breakup was meaningful to you it is not something that you are consumed by or thinking about.
First of all, there's no "us" here - you two just broke up because her IL dropped. She is just a classic AW in this regard, teasing you with a "future" that does not exist.jarmstrong83 said:
Second - you put her on a pedestal and that was your first mistake, telling her you are hurt was the second mistake. Her actions are relevant, not the mumbo-jumbo words. You can only cut contact at this point - even if she comes back you know now she may leave you in a heartbeat without any logical reason. Do you want that to happen when you are married with children ? Move on and find other girls, nothing to see here - and congratulations, you just dogdged a bullet
yes you guys are right. I'm just having trouble letting go, but I know I need to. It's just a huge blow to my ego I guess, for her to have lost interest and for me to have reacted the way I did. I acted like a major AFC in the beginning when I was trying to convince her and be extra nice, and I hate that I did that. It would have been better to have walked away at the beginning when i saw these signs. Up till then I had studied more on getting women but not so much on LTRs or break ups. I definitely learned my lesson the hard way, but never to be repeated. I read a post on making her feel EMOTIONS and i think things were too complacent (boring) for us towards the end. We never fought or anything and just got too comfortable with each other day-to-day. And she wasn't communicative of things that bothered her; she bottled them up and exploded. I wish I had had this experience when I was younger with a different woman, but I guess it had to happen for me to learn at some point. Thanks for the advice and I'll definitely cut communication now, bc i see any contact from her now as pure manipulation - her words are like f*kin poison!
alwayslead8821
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2010
- Messages
- 90
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Yep I agree.. Fvck her, that thought process that came out of the blue is because she all the sudden has other options and starts thinking through everything. Sounds like you were to nice and that makes em think since this guy thinks I'm so perfect maybe I can get something better? etc etc.Danger said:
you guys were right once again... i found out today (on my own) that it was another guy, and she's been hiding this the whole time. This guy does seem to have a lot more in "common" with her (he's actually a friend of hers who we would hang out with sometimes in a group). Anyways i now know why the sudden "doubts" and confusion came up out of nowhere. She was comparing another option and her IL dropped in me. I made it worse by acting insecure, until i finally dumped her. She had mentioned the possibility of being friends before, and we are still on "good" terms, even though we barely have talked since the break up. But i just found out about this today, and i'm pissed, cuz she showed herself to be a liar and backstabber and i stayed "nice" the whole time like an idiot. Should i totally cut her off now and defriend her a** on facebook? Or should i act like nothing happened and just ignore her from now on. There were some hints on her facebook wall which i picked up on, which she obviously was not trying to hide. So she lied to me and strung me along and i was nice till now. Do i now fully cut her out of my life, or if i did and she asks, should i even tell her i know??