The Art of Small Talk

[CosMoenTropic]

Hi,

I need serious help on small talk, be it during initial encounters, ice breakers, or situations where we are waiting in line, waiting for the bus, etc.

For me, its a 50/50 thing. Either is it good or it is horrible. I feel that this limits my ability to meet new people and I only stay with the few whom I know well and can chat easily with.


Are there any good guides out there?

 

[guywhoneedshelp]

I did this once, and will tell you I can have problems with this too. It really depends on the mood I'm in.

I walked onto this train and this nice girl moved her bag out of the way and let me sit down. She was listening to her music so I put mine on. Then my friend called, and he was saying "hey I'm on the train where are you"

I said to my friend on the phone: "eh, train is too crowded to search car to car for everyone. So I'm sitting next to this girl...not sure what her name is but she seems nice, at least she's a yankee fan (noticed her clothing" he says "oh your working some game too aight man talk to you later" so I said "yea I think she's safe" hung up the phone, caught her smiling.

So I said "My friend looks after me, he doesn't want me getting kidnapped or anything."

She takes one ear phone out of her ear and we chat a little bit, she tells me she's going to the Yankee game, stuff like that, we stopped chatting because I ran out of gas, couldn't think of anymore small talk to say. But I noticed she kept her one ear piece out of her ear as she continued to look at the window. That's an indicator of interest, so I starting asking questions and had a great chat with her, we chatted for awhile, gave our music a rest.

You can do this with a fake phone call. I've read this somewhere. http://fastseduction.com/guide/03_Approaching/01_Approaches/cellular.shtml is the link. Do this, it works.

 

[Mars]

I think if small talk fails for you only on occasion you must consider that it’s not always necesarily your fault, I think if you just talk out of the blue with a girl she may be shy sometimes and not always know how to make a good conversation either. You can only do so much on your side of the conversation.

 

[CosMoenTropic]

Even if it doesn't fail.. I feel really uncomfortable doing it. Its not something I enjoy, and I dont like it. Its the one thing I hate most and is preventing me from meeting more new people.

The occasions when it feels natural is when we click right away, but those are probably 1 in 10 chances and are rare.

Oh.. this also happens with people I haven't met in a while and I see them on the streets/greet them on campus. Im always at a lost for words and feel like I end it too soon.

 

[Luscious]

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Small talk becomes very difficult when you put too much work into it. Small talk only requires a small effort.

Off the top of my head, some topics:
1. Article of her clothing
2. Weather (corny, but she knows you're interested anyhow when you initiate talk)
3. Surroundings/passerby
4. Her job/occupation
5. Any bags she is holding - stores, work, etc. Expand from there.

Just relax and smile. You'll do a lot better.

 

[Effington]

The art of BS'ing / small talk is sooo important, not only in meeting new people but also very, very much so in the business world. I think the most important things to do are to observe/listen, and relax. For example, I work with a warehouse manager for our 3PL distributor and we BS for like 30 minutes a day, nowadays talking about the Cubs a lot, we were talking for like 15 minutes yesterday about how they just hired some new hottie and I have to come visit and meet her. Of the 9 people in my department, I BS with everyone on a daily basis, and because of it we're all good friends and it makes life soooo easy. If you ever work in a job where you don't get along with co-workers, you'd know how much of an impact that has on your job, and even your life in general. That's why when I started my job, I made it a priority to make friends with my entire department right away. Huge.

For people you don't know at all, just start with an open ended question, typical ones are about where you live and talk about that some, or if you're in school talk about classes, then after a minute transition it to leisure activities.

 

[mrRuckus]

Most small talk i have sucks because the other person is boring and acts like i have a problem for being the one with a personality worth getting out of the bed in the morning to display.

 

[Darth]

I am getting steadily better at small talk. Right now I'd say I have a 60% success rate with introducing myself through small talk, with the other 40% coming off very awkward. Some people respond different to my small talk than others.

Usually the best introductions are when I'm not even thinking about it. Like yesterday, I was going up the elevator with a girl with a laundry basket in my arms. The natural thing to say was, "I hate doing laundry." Then she opened up about when she does laundry and I hardly had to say another word.

I really wish there was a book on it or something. It just doesn't come very naturally for me. I mean, I can do it all right. I just know it shouldn't take this much work.

Maybe a "BSing/Small Talk Bootcamp" would help people like us....

 

[JesterX]

what your saying has to be amusing you pretty much, otherwise its like you've got a hidden agenda or you're just being polite. but if your interested in the girl you don't want to have a hidden agenda you want to state your intentions and you don't want to be polite because that will get you nowhere.

 

[#41]

Usually the best introductions are when I'm not even thinking about it. Like yesterday, I was going up the elevator with a girl with a laundry basket in my arms. The natural thing to say was, "I hate doing laundry." Then she opened up about when she does laundry and I hardly had to say another word.

I really wish there was a book on it or something. It just doesn't come very naturally for me. I mean, I can do it all right. I just know it shouldn't take this much work.

Maybe a "BSing/Small Talk Bootcamp" would help people like us....

Small talk (or any kind of talk, for that matter) feels more natural when both parties are participating.

The issue isn't your ability to make interesting small talk (there really is no such thing as interesting small talk -- though it can develop and turn into interesting discussions), the issue is finding someone interested in actually having a conversation with you.

 

[Lexington]

Not an expert here by any means, but I think making eye contact and opening with a friendly smile is key. If you just blurt something out abruptly, the girl might get a little startled.

I say, look for eye contact and hold it when your eyes meet. Flash a smile and then open from there. First impressions matter a great deal.

Being shy by nature, I often look away when people make eye contact. I've been trying to fix this. I usually walk with a downward gaze. I've been working on keeping my gaze facing forward and holding eye contact with everyone.

 

[Darth]

The issue isn't your ability to make interesting small talk (there really is no such thing as interesting small talk -- though it can develop and turn into interesting discussions), the issue is finding someone interested in actually having a conversation with you.

There are definitely times, though, when I get the feeling that at the beginning of the conversation they were interested in talking to me, and by the end I feel like I have blown it and lost their interest, not because of them necessarily but through my own talents (or lack thereof).

So I think there is definitely some technique involved. I'm trying to watch people that are naturally good at it, and that's helped a little.

Small talk, defined, seems to me like talking without a clear reason, other then to see what kind of person the other guy is.

 

[#41]

There are definitely times, though, when I get the feeling that at the beginning of the conversation they were interested in talking to me, and by the end I feel like I have blown it and lost their interest, not because of them necessarily but through my own talents (or lack thereof).

So I think there is definitely some technique involved. I'm trying to watch people that are naturally good at it, and that's helped a little.

Small talk, defined, seems to me like talking without a clear reason, other then to see what kind of person the other guy is.

You can't keep small-talking forever -- it's boring.

In order to keep someone's attention (women or men), you either need to be interesting or funny. If you're not naturally one, then work on being the other. If you're neither, no amount of small talk in the world is going to keep women from losing interest and moving on.

Also, if their IL really is high (and you're not just imagining things), then when you feel like you're about to lose steam, get a number and bail out. Sometimes less is more when it comes to making a small-talk pickup.