Introducing the AresX ULTIMATE DIET!
Forget Atkins, forget South Beach, forget Men's Health. And forget that little ***** Jared from those Subway commercials, too.
The AresX Ultimate Diet is founded on these breakthrough scientific findings:
- You can have anything fattening, as long as you eat one thing that has no fat in it. The two cancel each other out, and it's like you ate nothing at all.
- Drinking DIET coke is like having a negative coke. Therefore you can eat more and drink more if you want.
- Breaking a cookie in half causes the calories to fall out.
- Water makes you fat. Stop drinking it. Your muscles retain water and make you look fatter.
- Beer, however, has alcohol, the chemical negative of water. This cancels out the fattening effect of water, and makes it safer to drink.
- Milk gives you breasts. When you consume too much milk, your body develops a place to store it - breasts. That's why all (well, most) girls have breasts... they drink a lot of milk. About a gallon a day.
- Apples are bad. They have carbs.
- Never exercise, that will only make your body hurt. If it hurts, it's not natural. Like circumcision. Last time I was was circumcised I couldn't walk for 2 years.
- If you are too fat to put into a coffin, you will never die.
- Cheese gives you energy. Mice eat cheese, and look how quick those little f.uckers are.
- Eating a bran muffin with every meal will force you to eliminate all fat from your meal.
- If you eat fat, then your body stops making it for a while. Like Creatine. If your body isn't making fat, you can't get fat. So, eat fat.
- Don't eat vegetables. Cows eat grass all day long, and look at those fat f.ucks. If you eat too much vegetables, then someone will want to eat you, too.
- Changing the name of the food can make it better for you. Instead of calling it "Deep Fried and Battered Fish in Thick, Creamy Alfredo" call it "Fully cooked and flavored fish, served with a side of dipping sauce".
- Sides don't count, only the main course. If your main course is an egg, then you can get steak, bacon, pancakes, and a few more eggs on the side. That way, if your brain says, "Hey, what did I have for lunch?" You can honestly tell it "An egg."
There you have it folks, I hope this helps everyone out there.
The AresX Diet - Eat ALL you want, and STILL gain all the weight!
Only $34.95 for the book. e-mail me to buy it.
Forget Atkins, forget South Beach, forget Men's Health. And forget that little ***** Jared from those Subway commercials, too.
The AresX Ultimate Diet is founded on these breakthrough scientific findings:
- You can have anything fattening, as long as you eat one thing that has no fat in it. The two cancel each other out, and it's like you ate nothing at all.
- Drinking DIET coke is like having a negative coke. Therefore you can eat more and drink more if you want.
- Breaking a cookie in half causes the calories to fall out.
- Water makes you fat. Stop drinking it. Your muscles retain water and make you look fatter.
- Beer, however, has alcohol, the chemical negative of water. This cancels out the fattening effect of water, and makes it safer to drink.
- Milk gives you breasts. When you consume too much milk, your body develops a place to store it - breasts. That's why all (well, most) girls have breasts... they drink a lot of milk. About a gallon a day.
- Apples are bad. They have carbs.
- Never exercise, that will only make your body hurt. If it hurts, it's not natural. Like circumcision. Last time I was was circumcised I couldn't walk for 2 years.
- If you are too fat to put into a coffin, you will never die.
- Cheese gives you energy. Mice eat cheese, and look how quick those little f.uckers are.
- Eating a bran muffin with every meal will force you to eliminate all fat from your meal.
- If you eat fat, then your body stops making it for a while. Like Creatine. If your body isn't making fat, you can't get fat. So, eat fat.
- Don't eat vegetables. Cows eat grass all day long, and look at those fat f.ucks. If you eat too much vegetables, then someone will want to eat you, too.
- Changing the name of the food can make it better for you. Instead of calling it "Deep Fried and Battered Fish in Thick, Creamy Alfredo" call it "Fully cooked and flavored fish, served with a side of dipping sauce".
- Sides don't count, only the main course. If your main course is an egg, then you can get steak, bacon, pancakes, and a few more eggs on the side. That way, if your brain says, "Hey, what did I have for lunch?" You can honestly tell it "An egg."
There you have it folks, I hope this helps everyone out there.
The AresX Diet - Eat ALL you want, and STILL gain all the weight!
Only $34.95 for the book. e-mail me to buy it.
