DonJuanabe
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2012
- Messages
- 588
- Reaction score
- 22
So I read the Manhood Academy book, the main idea being that a man must exercise authority and be in control of his relationships with people (women in particular). This made me mull over my relationships and I realize that I can't seem to get off the Alpha-AFC seesaw. Sometimes I'm Alpha; sometimes I'm AFC; I'm going to do everything I can to be and remain Alpha.
Back in 1999, after a girl broke up with me because I was being AFC (wanting to talk with her about her feelings and what was going on with her), I decided to meet other girls. My heart was still attached to the prior one but I had recovered enough to take action. I met a girl at a singles charity event and a week later we went on a date. She didn't have a car so I drove to her place and we walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. My game was on -- I was positive, enthusiastic, outgoing.
During dinner she mentioned that she had an idea for a business, explained it, but expressed doubt whether she could do it. I didn't go into the business, logistics, or anything dealing with the actual endeavor. I focused entirely on how she was absolutely the best person to do it and that I was 100% confident in her, etc. It was all about boosting her self-esteem and making her feel really positive about herself. She was beaming the rest of the dinner. On the way back to her place she bumped my hip and then actually grabbed my ass twice, smiling the whole time.
Back at her place I was *ON*. I wasn't thinking, wondering, worrying -- my mind was blank. I sat down on her sofa and she sat in a chair across from it, obviously nervous. I looked her straight in the eyes and said come sit next to me. She balked and I replied -- patting the area next to me -- don't be too afraid, I won't bite that hard. She came over and sat next to me and we started making out. I realized that I was not on the side I wanted to be on -- had I been in AFC mode I would have wondered will this kill the moment, will she not like it if I move, etc. -- so I simply got up, sat on her other side, and said with what I have in store for you I need to be on this side. We went back to making out, I leaned forward on top of her, and after a few minutes my hand was down her pants. A couple minutes of moaning later she says I'm going to either have to kick you out or take you up to my bedroom right now. We f*cked and I left the next morning.
The next two times I came over she would complain about her job for five minutes, then I would take her by her hand to her bedroom for sex, then go out to dinner. I was bored with the whole thing because the drive was a pain in the ass and we didn't have anything in common so I just let it go.
Note that in this situation I was exercising authority over her, always in control, and did not care whatever happened. It was easy.
Fast forward to a few months ago with my last oneitis. On one of our dates we did something really casual with some friends of mine because the girl turned down my offer of a more traditional date and suggested doing more casual things. So casual and laid back it was. She was angry and while driving her back to her place she expressed displeasure, saying she had wanted to go on a more romantic date and that I was heading toward the friend zone if this happened again.
I went Alpha on her ass. I glanced at her for a brief second, paused, then talked down to her like a father to his young daughter. I quickly went over how we decided on this date and that if she had wanted the opposite thing she should have said so like an adult would, not saying one thing but meaning another like a child. That I expected her to act like a grown up, etc. and that this conversation was over because there was nothing we could do to change the past, only make plans for the future. An AFC might think oh no she won't like being talked down to. Her reaction? Respect. Pure respect. When I pulled up in front of her place to drop her off she asked, in a meek voice, don't you want to come in?
Not long thereafter, on another date which started off really well, she pulls back and starts sending me major red flags. To this day I'll never know exactly what happened (she has given me two or three different explanations which are all at odds with each other -- gee, really?), but instead of going Alpha on her and simply getting up and leaving because the tension and complication were heavy in the air, I asked her what was going on, about her feelings, etc. I was able to recover by eventually getting up to leave, and after I did so she practically raped my mouth with her tongue since she didn't want me to leave (on my terms).
After groping me she says we should go up to her room BUT NO SEX. Right there -- had I been Alpha -- I would have left. Instead I hoped I could escalate so we went to her room and she insisted underwear stays on. While making out I tried to escalate and she snubbed me twice, then kicked me out (on HER terms).
See where I failed? By going to her room on her terms, after I was about to leave on my terms, I ceded authority to her, I put her in control. When she kicked me out she was demonstrating that she was in charge and had higher value than I did. At the least this will decrease her attraction toward me. Things never recovered and we didn't last much longer. As many of you are aware I had to deal with this emotional blow for quite some time in a serious way. I think part of why I had trouble with it is that I originally was the authority figure, had control, was Alpha, but let it all slip away because I cared too much.
I have to get off this damn seesaw.
Back in 1999, after a girl broke up with me because I was being AFC (wanting to talk with her about her feelings and what was going on with her), I decided to meet other girls. My heart was still attached to the prior one but I had recovered enough to take action. I met a girl at a singles charity event and a week later we went on a date. She didn't have a car so I drove to her place and we walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. My game was on -- I was positive, enthusiastic, outgoing.
During dinner she mentioned that she had an idea for a business, explained it, but expressed doubt whether she could do it. I didn't go into the business, logistics, or anything dealing with the actual endeavor. I focused entirely on how she was absolutely the best person to do it and that I was 100% confident in her, etc. It was all about boosting her self-esteem and making her feel really positive about herself. She was beaming the rest of the dinner. On the way back to her place she bumped my hip and then actually grabbed my ass twice, smiling the whole time.
Back at her place I was *ON*. I wasn't thinking, wondering, worrying -- my mind was blank. I sat down on her sofa and she sat in a chair across from it, obviously nervous. I looked her straight in the eyes and said come sit next to me. She balked and I replied -- patting the area next to me -- don't be too afraid, I won't bite that hard. She came over and sat next to me and we started making out. I realized that I was not on the side I wanted to be on -- had I been in AFC mode I would have wondered will this kill the moment, will she not like it if I move, etc. -- so I simply got up, sat on her other side, and said with what I have in store for you I need to be on this side. We went back to making out, I leaned forward on top of her, and after a few minutes my hand was down her pants. A couple minutes of moaning later she says I'm going to either have to kick you out or take you up to my bedroom right now. We f*cked and I left the next morning.
The next two times I came over she would complain about her job for five minutes, then I would take her by her hand to her bedroom for sex, then go out to dinner. I was bored with the whole thing because the drive was a pain in the ass and we didn't have anything in common so I just let it go.
Note that in this situation I was exercising authority over her, always in control, and did not care whatever happened. It was easy.
Fast forward to a few months ago with my last oneitis. On one of our dates we did something really casual with some friends of mine because the girl turned down my offer of a more traditional date and suggested doing more casual things. So casual and laid back it was. She was angry and while driving her back to her place she expressed displeasure, saying she had wanted to go on a more romantic date and that I was heading toward the friend zone if this happened again.
I went Alpha on her ass. I glanced at her for a brief second, paused, then talked down to her like a father to his young daughter. I quickly went over how we decided on this date and that if she had wanted the opposite thing she should have said so like an adult would, not saying one thing but meaning another like a child. That I expected her to act like a grown up, etc. and that this conversation was over because there was nothing we could do to change the past, only make plans for the future. An AFC might think oh no she won't like being talked down to. Her reaction? Respect. Pure respect. When I pulled up in front of her place to drop her off she asked, in a meek voice, don't you want to come in?
Not long thereafter, on another date which started off really well, she pulls back and starts sending me major red flags. To this day I'll never know exactly what happened (she has given me two or three different explanations which are all at odds with each other -- gee, really?), but instead of going Alpha on her and simply getting up and leaving because the tension and complication were heavy in the air, I asked her what was going on, about her feelings, etc. I was able to recover by eventually getting up to leave, and after I did so she practically raped my mouth with her tongue since she didn't want me to leave (on my terms).
After groping me she says we should go up to her room BUT NO SEX. Right there -- had I been Alpha -- I would have left. Instead I hoped I could escalate so we went to her room and she insisted underwear stays on. While making out I tried to escalate and she snubbed me twice, then kicked me out (on HER terms).
See where I failed? By going to her room on her terms, after I was about to leave on my terms, I ceded authority to her, I put her in control. When she kicked me out she was demonstrating that she was in charge and had higher value than I did. At the least this will decrease her attraction toward me. Things never recovered and we didn't last much longer. As many of you are aware I had to deal with this emotional blow for quite some time in a serious way. I think part of why I had trouble with it is that I originally was the authority figure, had control, was Alpha, but let it all slip away because I cared too much.
I have to get off this damn seesaw.
