The AFC Gut and Cognitive Dissonance

[guru1000]

The GUT is programmed off of your past experiences and then measured against your current beliefs to produce a feeling.

If you were to travel abroad and drive on the left hand side of the road against incoming traffic, your Gut may feel this is unnatural. Yet in certain countries, this is the correct lane to drive in.

The Belief System is very challenging and requires great discipline to change. It takes extreme pain in one direction of thinking to desire another. Even when a decision to change is put forth, the Gut fights against it until the belief is actualized. It is a Pull-Pull.

For example, if I were to have many failing relationships with women; enough PAIN may accrue in me to WANT to make a change.

The problem is when the CHANGE suggested goes against our Gut, we experience a Cognitive Dissonance. This is a feeling that feels very uncomfortable. In fact, so DIFFERENT we might revert back to our old way of thinking because it is Cozy. After all, we are wired to take the path of least resistance.

Example,

John is told if a girl disrespects him to walk away. John has never previously walked away from any woman. This is very unnatural to suggest. His whole life has been in desperation and chase.

“I CANNOT lose her”, he proclaims. No matter what John is told, his GUT suggests he NEEDS her. John has made her the center of his life and Feels he cannot lose her.

He has not incorporated a cardinal DJ rule of making himself, his own center. He therefore needs validation of another to complete him.

His Gut screams “Call Her!”. John fights his GUT initially and then surrenders. He calls her and to his surprise she is not accepting of him.

“How could she do this to me. Next time I will walk away”, he sobs. Little does John know he will never likely walk away. His GUT is still the same.

What John must do to change his Gut feeling is to retire his old belief and replace it with a new one. If he adds a cardinal belief, for example, that he comes first and NO woman will make him compromise his self respect or character; his Gut will adhere to this new belief. In the above scenario, his Gut would suggest to walk away.

This is the classic mistake often repeated.

One SHOULD often take a look at his Gut to make sure it is in congruence with his planned direction

.

The AFC with the scarcity mentality will often experience a Cognitive Dissonance when engaging in multiple non exclusive relationships. After all, his life has been strings of exclusive relationships. The very premise of Multiple goes against his Gut.

First step, the AFC must change his belief that all relationships must be exclusive. Next, he needs to accept that multiple non exclusive relationships can exist without compromising his character. Once this belief is understood, he must act on it.

He will experience a mild cognitive dissonance initially. In time, the abundance mentality will feel natural to him. It will be the scarcity thinking that feels unnatural.

Take Inventory of your GUT. It will determine your direction.

 

[reset]

He will experience a mild cognitive dissonance initially. In time, the abundance mentality will feel natural to him. It will be the scarcity thinking that feels unnatural.

That's what I'm experiencing, and it goes way beyond women. It kind of sucks in a way. It's good but a pain in the ass. You are used to doing one thing but you're not used to doing another thing and inbetween your head explodes. Right not I'm forcing myself past my comfort zone and I go from enthusiastic to just wanting to go to bed and hoping tomorrow I'll be strong enough to face the reality that I don't know who or what I am, and never did.

Great post, glad to see stuff like this.

 

[Warrior74]

this post reminds me of that sienfield episode where george did the opposite of every instinct he had and his life got better. lols.

 

[DjVelvet]

Great topic. Hope to see guys posting their experience about the topic

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I'm in the process of contacting a lawyer and freezing joint bank accounts before I tell my wife I'm divorcing her and my gut is just twisting inside because I'm going against everything I've ever known was right. I'm unplugging and it hurts so bad but it's so necessary.

 

[jophil28]

" You should always TRUST your gut " -- another mantra of third rate therapists is shot down on SS.

NIce post Guru.
Great work lately.

 

[Phyzzle]

I'm in the process of contacting a lawyer and freezing joint bank accounts before I tell my wife I'm divorcing her and my gut is just twisting inside because I'm going against everything I've ever known was right. I'm unplugging and it hurts so bad but it's so necessary.

Holy crap. Is this Rollo a smart fellow or what? I'm quoting his (six month old) assessment of your situation for dramatic effect.

Plan your divorce NOW. Do not tell her, do not intimate it to her, just see an attorney. You haven't been married that long, the split should be fairly easy and realtively inexpensive. No child support, no allimony, minimal spousal support for a period. Do NOT tell her about it, do NOT say anything to her relative either. A common mistake men make is making a declaration of divorce and THEN filing for it. All the laws regarding divorce are written by default in a woman's favor - in fact no-fault divorce specific intent is to favor a woman in court - so you MUST start planning it in advance to protect yourself as much as possible. The new wisdom about this is to plan 6 months in advance, by protecting your assets, removing her from insurance policies, transfering your funds to a new account, etc. If you fail to do this before you tell her you intend to file for divorce, it's all fair game for her to empty your joint account, etc. Remember the first recourse for a woman being divorced is to play the victim, so any rash, emotionally charged actions she takes will be excused - she's the estranged woman, society makes her a martyr by default. Protect yourself, prepare yourself.

Now, why do I say this? Because your "wife's" first priority after not seeing you for months on end is to have a Girls Night Out with her cousin when she does see you. That's it, you're done. She's already made the emotional disconnect from you and her behavior is spelling this out for you in big red letters a mile tall. You, her husband, is not her first priority. End of story, divorce time.

It doesn't matter if you made some pathetic attempt to put your foot down and tell her no, it doesn't even matter if she responded to it; her first thought wasn't about you, it was about going out on the town with her cousin. You didn't even factor into her thought process. Going out clubbing with girlfriends is what single women do, not married ones who desperately miss their husbands being away after 3 months. Wives in that situation show up at the door in something from Frederick's of Hollywood with a couple of martinis and have marathon sex with their man for 2 days straight. Not your wife though, her first idea was to 'play single' with her cousin on a GNO in new town.

People get upset when I tell them that marriage counseling is usually the last stop before toll, then there's divorce. All of the talk and negeotiation in the world is simply not going to alter what a person really wants to do. Touchy-feely family therapists like to puff up the "Trust Issues" in marriage problems when in fact 99% of the time it's Desire not trust that's lacking. Your wife has absolutely no desire to be with you, it's evidenced in everything she does, every way she behaves, and for all the talking for 4 hours at a stretch you do over the phone you're not going to change that in her. You may be able to alter her behavior and tell her "no, you're not going out on a GNO, you're coming here to be with me" to which she might aquiesce, but her first, strong, desire wasn't to be with you, it was to go out partying without you. That's the disconnect.

You don't want to see this of course because, in perfectly predictable AFC fashion, you started this thread in the hopes that we'd tell you what you wanted to hear. You wanted comiserates to affirm your sad conditions and tell you "what a good husband" you really are, and how ƒucked up and evil she is, when in fact she's only doing what a woman will do when dealing with a beta-male, AFC doormat. The truth of all this is that you still want to see it work out with her because you doubt your ability to generate new and far better options than her. You still believe what a woman says, rather than understanding the much more valid language a woman uses in her behaviors. You consciously refuse to see that what she does is a far better indicator of her motives; you want to believe her words, but her actions are her true nature. You want to believe her words (as you've done in flip-flopping constantly throughout this thread) because she's only the 2nd woman you've ever had sex with (at 28) and your AFC scarcity mentality, 'secure-the -sex-at-all-costs' impulse will excuse all the sh!tty behavior if she can, again, reassure you with words.

You don't have an agreement with her, you don't have a deal negotiated with her. She is only patronizing you with words until the next time her behavior contradicts those words as a result of what she has a real desire to do. LEFTY, you are essentially an indentured servant to this woman, you work for her under a marriage contract with virtually no expectation of her reciprocating anything.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I find this thread fascinating. It seems like our guts can be our best friend, or our worst enemy.

Furthermore, I can relate even more being just like "John" in the past, where my gut was ordering me to contact someone out of neediness.

So, our guts are either AFC or "unplugged" it seems...and it's our live experiences! that can change our gut response to a stimulus.

At this point, if my gut response is triggered, I pause and assess. It's an alerting system, for me, that tells me to pay close attention to something...be it a dark alley, a job prospect, or someone I meet.

We shouldn't trust the gut, but..we can trust enough to know that something is not right.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Holy crap. Is this Rollo a smart fellow or what? I'm quoting his (six month old) assessment of your situation for dramatic effect.

Yes, and it's about time I took his advice. I'm *very* lucky she's not pregnant (knock on wood - expecting next period early next week). She has no clue what's going on and I must say, while I wait for my letters to the bank to be processed and so forth, I'm thoroughly enjoying listening to her disrespect me over the phone. I actually laugh on the inside while I think of what my AFC response should be which I then give. I came very close to blowing up on the phone to her tonight but I realized I'd be compromising my financial security if I said the d-word before things were taken care of.

Sorry to hijack the thread. Also, Phyzzle you have a good memory, or maybe my situation left a lasting impression.

 

[jophil28]

We shouldn't trust the gut, but..we can trust enough to know that something is not right.

Exactly - your gut is only a crude warning system which signals that somethimg MAY be wrong. It is NOT a foolproof guardian of your wellbeing..
I think of it in the same way that I think of a Fire Alarm in my building. Sometimes a real fire has broken out but MOSTLY it is a false alarm.

However , always worth checking out in case there is a real threat.

 

[jophil28]

I'm thoroughly enjoying listening to her disrespect me over the phone. I actually laugh on the inside while I think of what my AFC response should be which I then give.

Hey Lefty, What is she saying ?

 

[LeftyLoosey]

Hey Lefty, What is she saying ?

Last night I called her up to tell her about something hilarious I read on the 'net - it was from a site called "overheardinnewyork." I stumbled across this gem: http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/007115.html

So I read it to her and she said "I don't get it. What's funny about that?" I just said "can you imagine if you heard that discussion? That's so hilarious." She gave me a "whatever" and then we said good night.

So today we're talking and she said, "remember that stupid thing you read to me that you thought was so funny? Well I told my friend about it and she agreed that it wasn't funny."

Now, I wanted to tell her that's she didn't find it funny because she's a frigid b1tch, but instead of starting a fight (didn't want to make her think I was going to divorce her or anything) I said "I guess you're right - my sense of humour is pretty unique." She replied with "yeah, you're the only one I know that would find something like that funny."

ALSO, my buddy's grandfather is on his deathbed so he flew home to see him. My wife suggested we send flowers to his parents place. I tried to look them up on 411 but there are 30 addresses with the same last name. Since we were communicating by text, I texted my wife and told her "there are too many addresses. Don't worry about sending flowers, it's a nice gesture but not necessary." She came back with "I'll contact your friend and get the address."

Now, maybe I'm being lazy and she's doing the right thing, but the fact of the matter is she disrespected me by ignoring my response and going behind my back to relate to MY friend the way she wants to. My input is worth sh1t.

I wanted to tell her she was disrespecting me but I just texted back "ok."

THEN the following text dialogue took place:

Note that I was having a nap when she asked me to look up the address.

Her: "thought you were sleeping."
Me: "I'm trying to but I keep getting text messages."
Her: "should not have replied to the first one!"
Me: "Sorry."
Her: "I don't think you would be on the Internet if you were trying to sleep."
Me: "I promise I was lying down."

I stayed calm and played the AFC role when I actually had steam coming out of my ears. I can't wait until next week when I can finally spill my guts (metaphor?).

 

[edger]

What I don't understand about LeftLoosey's situation is, if his wife isn't interested in him, then why does she stay with him? I've always known women to leave a relationship if they're no longer interested in the man. If a woman really isn't interested in you, she will leave. I can't see a woman staying with a man she has no interest in. Like I said, every woman who has never been interested in me has bailed, not STAYED. And it's hard to buy the line, "Well women stay with men they're not intetested in for financial reasons". I'm not buying it..I've always known women to not compromise their happiness.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

What I don't understand about LeftLoosey's situation is, if his wife isn't interested in him, then why does she stay with him? I've always known women to leave a relationship if they're no longer interested in the man. If a woman really isn't interested in you, she will leave. I can't see a woman staying with a man she has no interest in. Like I said, every woman who has never been interested in me has bailed, not STAYED. And it's hard to buy the line, "Well women stay with men they're not intetested in for financial reasons". I'm not buying it..I've always known women to not compromise their happiness.

Obviously she's cheating on me and getting her meat injection elsewhere. It's just a matter of time before I find out who the lucky man is.

 

[edger]

Obviously she's cheating on me and getting her meat injection elsewhere. It's just a matter of time before I find out who the lucky man is.

So I take it she's not "putting out" AT ALL then? Or is she "putting out" once in a while? If she's not interested, then why do you suppose she stays with you? I'm curious to hear what you have to say.

 

[jophil28]

Obviously she's cheating on me and getting her meat injection elsewhere. It's just a matter of time before I find out who the lucky man is.

" Lucky man .." ? Now there is your probelm - Your AFC still speaks !
If the other guy sticks around he will be catching the same shyte from her that you are getting. How is that lucky..ha !
I hope that you were being sarcastic ?

Hang tough, LLoosey. It won't be long beforeyou slap her with the papers like a man slaps a stupid dog with a rolled up newspaper.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

" Lucky man .." ? Now there is your probelm - Your AFC still speaks !
If the other guy sticks around he will be catching the same shyte from her that you are getting. How is that lucky..ha !
I hope that you were being sarcastic ?

Hang tough, LLoosey. It won't be long beforeyou slap her with the papers like a man slaps a stupid dog with a rolled up newspaper.

I was definitely being sarcastic!

Yes I'm looking forward to the day it's done.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

LEFTY, I did get your PM on your update about your situation. Would you mind if I posted it here and answered you as well so you can get other input?

 

[LeftyLoosey]

LEFTY, I did get your PM on your update about your situation. Would you mind if I posted it here and answered you as well so you can get other input?

Actually Rollo, it won't be necessary. That PM was a last ditch effort at trying to get you to say there was a chance. I was only saying the same things that I was saying back in September. Now I know what the only correct path is.

 

[guru1000]

Exactly - your gut is only a crude warning system which signals that somethimg MAY be wrong. It is NOT a foolproof guardian of your wellbeing..
I think of it in the same way that I think of a Fire Alarm in my building. Sometimes a real fire has broken out but MOSTLY it is a false alarm.

However , always worth checking out in case there is a real threat.

Great Analogy.