The 10 most dangerous negative mindsets in seduction

[legolas]

The 10 most dangerous negative mindsets in dating and relationships

Hi guys,

I think I’m a pretty studious guy with a knack for analyzing situations and perceiving distinctions on things that work versus things that do not work. I have spent a lot of time analyzing my own dating life and why some things have worked in some situations and in other situations they failed.

I had a very interesting Aha moment…

In almost 90% of the cases things didn’t work it was either because I did or said something I shouldn’t have or because I failed to say or do something I should have.

I tried adding more skills and techniques but only had limited success. This only made me more depressed and more hungry for sleeker skills and techniques. But the solution to my problems was not a mere addition of skills or techniques.

A few months ago I began on a journey to REAL self improvement. This was the kind of improvement that sends you on a roller coaster of emotions and questioning the meaning of life!!

What I realized was that my behavior and my actions were being driven by some very powerful but pretty negative thought patterns My mindsets were sabotaging my efforts and no addition of techniques, tips or tricks would help me out unless I fixed the mindsets first.

This is how it was working for me:

Mindset ==> Thoughts/Feelings ==> Behavior

A personal story:

I've always had issues with approaching girls. I would get nervous and chicken out at the last minute. There was this one girl working in the mall where I used to work who looked pretty cute and one day we shared an interesting conversation. I didn't ask her for her number at the time and left. A few moments later I decided that I had to strike the iron while it was hot, so I pushed myself to go back and ask her.

Well the weirdest thing happened to me. The closer I got to where she was, the more anxious I got and the more my body trembled!! It got to the point where I felt so sick that I had to back out before I got there! I could not figure out what happened at the time other than realizing I had to ask for the number while things were going great in the convo.

It wasn't till much later that I realized that my mindset at the time was that I wasn't "worthy" enough and didn't have enough to "offer" her to even think of asking her out. I was mentally psyching myself right out of the approach. I felt that I would be embarrassed for being so stupid in even thinking of asking her out. I felt that she would ridicule me for even considering the idea. God that was awful!!

You can see the immense power these mindsets have in generating and controlling thoughts and feelings which lead to certain behavior or lack thereof. On the other hand, if you can successfully shift your mindset to a more liberating one you will reap the benefits right away.

Here's the first one. More to follow...

Mindset 1: I’m not worthy/attractive/wealthy enough to deserve an attractive woman

This is the most devastating mindset of all. It hides itself very nicely under the guise of not knowing how to approach women or not knowing what to say to them.

I have spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours searching for the magic opener or the perfect technique and still struggled until I realized that all these problems were rooted in this one dangerous mindset.
Why is it dangerous?

1. It makes you lazy and apathetic about life. Instead of being full of enthusiasm about life and enjoying it, you spend life in solitude with no friends and nothing to do on a Saturday night and you have a very good excuse for it too.

2. It will lead you to accept less of what you could potentially get. You’ll end up settling for options that are not ideal for you. You want to associate with better people, but you accept the scraps you get after everyone already had their meal. Settling for less is a sad place to be, trust me.

3. It can lead to social anxiety and depression and a life full of regrets and nobody wants to live their life wondering “what if” knowing full well that you have the choice to change it in any given moment.

How to shift this mindset?

First realize that in the end we are all humans. We all have the same organs and we all perform the same bodily functions. Not one person is better or worse just because of how they look or the size of their bank account. So the only status you place upon a particular person be it male or female, is completely dictated by society.

Beautiful people are perceived to be smarter at things regardless of whether or not it’s true. This is known as the “halo effect” It is important to realize that this is only a perception in your mind, and that perception dictates reality but it is not real. Change your perception by realizing that beautiful people are no different than you and me and there’s nothing special about them.

Second you also need to realize that you don’t have to look like a supermodel with six-pack abs or be a millionaire in order to attract women. You need to do your best with what you have, improve your overall style, learn how to express yourself freely in societal situations and live and interesting and fulfilling lifestyle.

The Shift

The core problem with this mindset is that the qualifier “enough” is very loosely defined in your mind so you always end up comparing yourself to some unreachable ideal. The other issue is that you are leaving this decision up to her and mentally psyching yourself out of an opportunity to view her on a natural vs. idealistic level.

Instead of thinking that you’re not “good enough” or “wealthy enough” or “attractive enough” to fit her standards or her criteria shift your mind into thinking:

Am I good enough to fit MY OWN criteria of what an attractive man should be like?
Is she good enough to fit MY criteria of what an attractive woman should be like?

Do you notice the shift in power?

It’s no longer up to her to define what these criteria are. You get to decide for yourself. This is how successful people think. They have very clearly defined criteria of what it means to be “good enough” or “pretty damn good” at something and that’s what they strive for.

So here’s the step-by-step procedure:

• Decide on the top 10 criteria/standards that a guy who is 99% perfect for most women out there. Make sure you are fair, meaning don’t define some unreachable ideal and don’t define yourself. These criteria should be such that if you presented it to 100 women, roughly about 80 of them would agree.
  
• Take a good, honest, truth-baring look at yourself and see where you fit in those criteria. From here define 3 levels.
  1. Perfect Level: This level is a man who fits 90% or more of the criteria
  2. Pretty Damn Good Level: This level is someone who fits about 70%-80% of the criteria. Not all the criteria are a perfect fit
  3. Good Enough Level: This level is someone who fits about 50%-60% of the criteria. Not all the criteria are a perfect fit
• Once you do this kind of analysis and you figure out where you are on the scale, it’s easy to see where you need improvements.

Now that you have a measure to compare against, the shift is very easy from “I’m not good enough for her” to “Am I good enough to fit my own criteria?” You can think "I am the prize" till the cows come home, but unless you truly believe it and buy into it, it won't stick. The key to becoming The Prize is to define very clear and fair criteria of what exactly that means and then see how you fit.

Let's define the top 10 qualities of a Don Juan that most of women would be attracted to:

 

[JAS760]

i like it, just need the other 9

 

[legolas]

Mindset 2. If only I could get a girlfriend to make my life complete /show off to my friends/solve all my problems

This is a very sneaky dangerous mindset most guys are usually not aware of. If you think like this internally and you choose to ignore it you’ll pay the price down the road.

What makes this mindset so dangerous?

1. It makes you needy and desperate. Being needy means you’re not having your needs met. What I mean by that is not necessarily physical needs but emotional needs. The need to belong, the need to feel desired etc. When you’re needy, the moment you see something that looks promising, you’ll jump on it full steam and end up clinging on to it for dear life and if you don’t get it you’ll become desperate. Clingy is as REPULSIVE as a Skunk's Spray!!

2. It will cause you to make too many wrong moves in a relationship that will either destroy it in the long term, or make it uncomfortable to continue.

3. It will absolutely get you to settle for less than optimal choices when you easily cold have done much better.

4. It puts all the validation and decision power into the woman’s hands. The moment she realizes that she has such control on you she will lose all the respect she ever had. She will either leave you or take advantage of you and either way you’re screwed.

How can you shift this

First realize that thinking that you need a girl to make your life complete or to make you happy is absolutely incomprehensible. Your life was designed to belong to you and to be shared with whomever you choose. If you feel that your life is incomplete right now it’s only because you are living life to the fullest.

You need to change your frame about life in general and fully accept that your life is only for you to live any way that you choose. I’m not saying there’s no work involved. Even if you were a homeless guy on the street, there’s work to be done to ensure food and shelter for the upcoming day.
In order to live the kind of life that you want, you have to dream to keep the desire burning, plan, orchestrate and execute. Your life awaits you!

 

[legolas]

Mindset 3: Once I gain 10 lb of muscle then I'll go out and meet girls

This is only an example of the form Once I do X then I'll do Y
X is anything from buying a book, getting a haircut, putting on some muscle, losing some weight, making improvements in your life, or even going to a seminar or a therapist and Y is some action you’ve been dreading. This is another mindset that has plagued me for years. It hides very nicely under the guise of self-improvement and it makes logical sense.

However on a closer look it’s really a very convenient excuse to allow you to remain in your comfortable zone and put all the responsibility for change on the hands of some random action or person. In reality you’re simply unwilling to accept responsibility and accountability for changing your own life. You want to take the easy way out.

The truth is that there is no easy way out when it comes to making changes. It is consistent effort that makes the difference anywhere in life. Whether it is exercising your body so you can look and feel better, or approaching and meeting women. There are no shortcuts in life when it comes to making personal changes. Those who seek shortcuts don’t really want to change and unless you accept the challenge that lies ahead you’ll never achieve any meaningful results.

In physics there's the concept of inertia. This mindset is mental inertia. If you've ever tried pushing a car by hand, you know that make it move, you have to exert a lot of force in the beginning. After a while, the car will gain momentum and all you need to do is keep pushing it constantly but you will never have to push it as hard.

The same applies for this mindset. It doesn’t mean that you have to make huge commitments and set really big goals. All you need is to:

1. Give yourself a challenge that will both require you to go outside your comfort zone and at the same time not push you too far

2. Accept the challenge, create a plan that you intend to follow up on and execute it.

3. Fight doubt, mental apathy and the invisible walls that you’ll have to push against while you build momentum. I have failed in this step many, many times. Usually here you’ll always find excuses that will try hard to keep you inside the safety of your old self.

4. Continue steps 2 and 3 till you build enough momentum that the challenge is no longer a challenge. Congratulations. You have succeeded in expanding your perceptual world to a new limit. Go back to step 1 and try something else.

 

[legolas]

Mindset 4: Desiring a woman sexually is disrespectful to her/women don’t like sex

Welcome to the most ridiculous brainwashing that has ever occurred in modern times.

I used to believe that women did not like sex and did not get horny. Don't know where I got that idea :crazy:
I typed my thoughts into a message board where both men and women posted. Boy was I wrong!! I was flamed and ridiculed by the women on the boards and had to create another user name just to be able to post again.

Originally posted by Fingz:
Can you have wave after wave of multiple orgasms for hours? Are you capable of having several distinct types of orgasms? Do you have an organ designed solely for sexual pleasure that is ten times more sensitive than a penis? Do you scream and convulse in ecstasy when you climax, begging for more?

Didn’t think so

Look, you don’t have to believe me. Just go on a message board about relationships (this is where most women hang out) and blatantly post your belief that women don’t like sex. Prepare to be flamed, spit on, hated and maybe even banned!

You have to understand that when a woman is in the presence of her lover whom she trusts and respects she allows herself to be fully woman and experience all the crazed out sexual “benefits” that come with that. Keep in mind that trust and respect are absolutely critical to turning her on. The other part is you being a man and taking charge. But It's the man's sexual desire for her is what makes her feel sexy, desired and womanly

Respecting a woman sexually does not mean denying her the pleasures that nature intended her to experience. It means creating an environment where she is free to express herself fully as a feminine and sexual being and for you to express yourself as a sexual masculine being. If you do anything against her will you deserve to go to jail!!

Of course you have to gauge her reactions as you move forward. You MUST respect her desires and you MUST build sexual tension (vacuum) by moving back a little so that she gets properly turned on and ready for sex.

Blocking your natural desire because you think (or better yet have been brainwashed into thinking) it is disrespectful is one of the quickest ways to get frustrated with women and frustrate a lot of women.

How to shift this mindset
Think of it this way:

It is disrespectful and downright CRUEL to women to deny them the pleasures that nature built right into their body

If you are not moving forward and not leading her, you are denying her this pleasure and that my friend is cold-hearted and downright cruel. Do you want to be cruel to women?

(I've maxed out my posting limit. Will continue this tomorrow)

 

[Jon55]

Bookmarked.

Your words are not going unnoticed. Please, keep it up!

 

[Bonafide]

Nice post bro...your from Boston too? Nice!

 

[legolas]

Mindset 5: I need to say the perfect line/perfect opener to impress her/get her interested in me

This is the most common mindset amongst guys out there. They’re always looking for the next silver bullet opening line that will cause the woman to melt.

There are several problems with this mindset:

1. You are viewing yourself as having lesser in value to the other guys and low confidence in yourself. You also are viewing the woman as being someone so special she wouldn't even give the time of day to guys like you. If you were to ask guys who are naturally good with women what lines they use, they’ll look at you with a puzzled expression and tell you that they “just went over and talked to the girl”

2. You are setting the bar really high for yourself. You want to say just 1 line that will instantly get her from not knowing who are, to thinking you are the most incredible guy ever. Not only is this a tall order, it is IMPOSSIBLE!!

3. You are setting yourself up to be judged by her on your "performance"

4. You'll end up trying too hard to impress her and come off as being insincere, fake, needy and desperate and you WILL lose respect.

I had a huge issue with trying too hard to be cool. I would try to make others like me by constantly trying to make them laugh and in the process I'd end up looking stupid, childish and got very little respect.

How to shift this mindset

Step 1:
Understand that there is no “perfect” line for two very solid reasons:

1. If there was a perfect line then everybody would use it and you’d have no edge
2. If there was a perfect line and the girl gets interested, how will you keep her interested in you long term? By finding another perfect line?

Real life does not work like this

Step2:
Since this mindset is driven by a lack of confidence, so you have to work towards increasing your confidence. There is no easy way to do this. There are no mental techniques or visualizations that will instantly make you confident. Confidence is really about facing your fears in the real world and overcoming them, not with trickery but with solid effort.

You see your brain is really smart and can tell the difference between imagined reality and actual reality. So no matter how good you get at visualizing yourself being confident, you’ll never get the real goodies that come from actually taking action in the real world.

Yes you will fail, it is to be expected and embraced because the truth is we only learn from our failures not from our successes. Tell me one sports team who will analyze their victory for things that they did correctly. Maybe, but the majority of the analysis is spent on things that were not done correctly because that it is how they learn what to do right on their next game.

Step 3:
Instead of thinking you need to figure out a way to impress her, think in terms of figuring out a way of how she can impress you!

How?

For example: Your intention when you meet her could be:

What can I find out about her that is unique and special but nobody knows?

If you have this mindset instead of the first one you will automatically become more interested in who she is while at the same time setting yourself up so you're hard to impress and selective. Always look for personality traits and not physical attributes that everybody can see.

 

[legolas]

Mindset 6: I need to find the perfect girl/the right girl/my soul mate/the one for me

This mindset, or better yet this excuse, plagued me for a very long time and it had very negative effects in my life.

For one it made me very judgmental of girls. I never realized this until a few months ago when reviewing my past dating experiences. I had missed out on multiple opportunities to have great relationships primarily because I made a bad judgment about the girl and let it decide my actions. I realized that I had been judgmental not only with respect to girl, but also about my friends, my co-workers and pretty much everyone that I met.

Being judgmental is the most common killer of great relationships because it’s a very closed-minded view of life. You’re out looking for what you can get out people and how you can personally benefit with little regard to others.

Second, it made me very lazy. Instead of going out and meeting as many people as possible, I found myself staying home waiting for the perfect one to fall out of the sky. Trust me it’s not going to happen! In retrospect this was only an excuse for me to continue to live within the safe and familiar confines of my reality.

Third, when I did find a girl whom I thought was perfect for me, I found myself unable to express my full desire around her and I ended up having very vanilla conversations with absolutely no emotional impact at all. This of course happened because I had no experience doing this with other girls. Most of my one-itis problems stemmed out this one mindset.

How to shift this mindset

The only to bust out of this mentality is to realize that it's an excuse for you to stay safe within the confines of your reality. So to bust out you need to constantly probe the outskirts of your reality to see how far you can go before fear of the unknown kicks in. And when it does, you know it’s time to kick it to the curb and begin to live life courageously.

At the same time you’ll notice that constantly pushing the limits will cause you to question your assumptions and views and as a result you’ll experience personal growth.

Let me share a story with you.

About a year ago I bought a book on a recommendation from a friend. The book is called “The 4-Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss. I started reading the book and after about the first chapter, I knew this was going to be the most influential book I’d ever read.

Here is the funny part.

Even though I was shocked (in a good way) and it caused all my assumptions about life to fall flat, I still didn’t do a damn thing about it. This year after being dissatisfied with my work for the second time in 3 months I finally made up my mind to quit. I have nothing else lined up, had not been in the job market for a good two years and certainly had not done any job searching for a while.

It is the scariest things I’ve ever done and it caused me to question all my views about myself and my life, talk to people around me in ways I’d never imagined and make better friends as a result. I’ve felt like I’ve grown more this year than I’ve grown at any time previously.

I’m not suggesting that you quit your job. What I’m trying to say is that the self-analysis and growth I’ve experienced from that one decision has been worth it 100 times to me. It certainly can turn my whole life upside down. I'm still in that phase by the way.

You don't need the perfect girl or your soul mate.....you need more LIFE :rockon:

Mindset 7: She’s out of my league

Okay this is a very common mindset. In fact this is so common that even guys who are good with women buy into it. What this mindset means is that you are intimidated by a woman!! Consider that for a second.

I asked a co-worker who's pretty good with girls what was the number one differentiating factor between him hooking up once or twice a month and his friends only hooking up about once a year. He said: "They're gaming girls who are out of their league!"

The whole idea of "leagues" is a fallacy invented by people who'd rather have an exclusive "harem" to themselves and keep the losers out. I'm not saying that if you're a loser with no job, no life and no ambition that you can hook up with a supermodel.

The point here is that there's absolutely no need to be intimidated by a supermodel. Just because every body else puts her on a pedestal and views her as goddess doesn't mean you can't walk up to her, say "Hi" and talk to her as another human being.

How to shift this mindset

First of all stop believing in "leagues" and realize that she's a just another human being like you and me with flaws and needs just like you and me. If you don't see the flaws, it's only because you haven't looked closely enough yet.

If she's really great and you feel intimidated, then she must have achieved something that you really want. In this case, the best mindset to approach her with is:

I wonder what is special about her that no one knows yet. I wonder what she could teach me

 

[legolas]

Mindset 8: You need to be a sex god/put on a first-class performance/know a lot of positions to please a woman

Welcome to the biggest fallacy to ever hit store shelves. Thousands of books are written every day touting this technique or that technique that will make you a sex god in the bedroom. They pray on men's insecurities about their performance in the bedroom and end up selling you unnecessary crap. A very similar mindset is that you need to know or try 100 different positions in order to fully satisfy a woman.

Why is this a fallacy?

Fact: Women can please themselves by masturbating in just minutes...unless they have physiological or psychological issues (which is another story)
Fact: Women get horny all the time, sometimes with no effort on your part
Fact: Some women don't even want to have an orgasm during sex. They're happy just being intimate and emotionally close with their man. DO NOT make the mistake of assuming this though, but realize that it does happen.

How to shift this mindset

Look at the facts above and realize that they are true.

Stop focusing on sexual performance and start to focus on things like intimacy, emotional connection, emotional fulfillment, passion, sexual intensity and above all sexual tension

Realize that a woman's biggest sexual organ is her brain (mind) not the ****oris. Some women can come from thought alone without ever touching themselves!! If you stimulate her brain properly, your technique NO LONGER MATTERS!! So focus on techniques that stimulate the mind first.

Focus on giving her pleasure instead of getting pleasure from her. After all you're the man. It is your responsibility to give her pleasure and expect her to reciprocate.



Mindset 9: Sex is not fun unless you really love the other person

This mindset used to be one of my favorites until I realized it was only an excuse, a cover for my lack of experience. I don't care if you really believe this or not. In the end it's just NOT TRUE!! This is yet another case of sour grapes. The moment you realize this is an excuse for your lack of experience of your fear of performance in the bedroom, you can begin to learn how to improve yourself.

How to shift this mindset

Step 1
Realize that it's only an excuse most likely related to performance anxiety (which was discussed above) or lack of experience. Either way it's time you saw it for what it was and stopped it dead on its tracks. Find out what the real problem is instead of using this excuse as a safety net.

Step 2
If your true problem is performance anxiety, realize that most women out there already have crappy sex from guys who don't care to learn a few things about what turns women on and use excuses such as these to cover up for their lack of sexual education. You my friend are way ahead of them by just realizing you have a problem and learning more. Read some books, watch some videos (amateur stuff is the best) and discard half the sh1t you read if it doesn't work in the real world.

A friend of mine had an MO when it came to sex. He'd first give the girl an orgasm either orally or by hand, and once she was satisfied he would go in and finish his business. Not very creative but pretty damn effective because it allowed him to relax about his performance anxiety while he could slowly learn new things and adjust his technique.

Step 2
If your true problem is lack of experience, do the above and have more sex There's nothing else I can add to that



Mindset 10: Sex is dirty!

Ha I got you with that one didn't I? What have years and years of religious programming instilled on your mind? This mindset or belief usually begins as religious programming and quickly becomes the reality of many men and women, driving their thoughts and decisions for the rest of their lives.

How to shift this mindset

Step 1
Realize that sex is inherently neither dirty nor clean. It's meant purely as a reproduction tool to keep a species going and procreating. In order to motivate the species to procreate, sex was designed to be enjoyed. Humans, for ages have been hacking sex so they can have all the benefits and pleasures that come with it, with limited or no consequences pertaining to reproduction.

In order to curb this hacking, the church (and nowadays parents and teachers) have been feeding teenagers these obstructed and misguided views that sex is somehow "dirty" It worked pretty well; in fact it worked so well, that adults have been having guilt trips about sex ever since and cannot enjoy it even after marriage!! Is that who you want to be??

Step 2
Realize that this is an excellent opportunity to stimulate her mind properly with "dirty" talk.

Step 3
Realize that thinking of it as "dirty" is only one way to view it!! If you stopped thinking of sex is dirty and started thinking of it as let's say "kinky" it's still just another way of viewing it, but it's way more effective.

Lego --> Out

Peace

 

[Jon55]

DJ Bible material.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I agree with Jon55. Good sh1t. I'll add another one. Get your house in order. Get a maid, or a couple of maids, to come in and polish your luggage. Keep everything spic and span even if you live in a dump of low-income rentals. That way you can save your money while playing the field for a good woman who doesn't care where you live as long as it's clean.

 

[facadegeniality]

great stuff!

in my bookmark this goes...

 

[aolsuxs]

very cool!

 

[ItsOnNow]

Holy **** does this sound like me....