Texting guidelines and etiquette?

[HankHill]

What are your typical texting guidelines and etiquette you follow? The 3 (?) ladies here are welcome to chime in from their perspective @BeExcellent @AJ84 @sazc

1. First contact - I think the man should make the first contact (lead) so I have no problem with this at all, except on Bumble women have to initiate it so that's different. Women who contact me first is also fine as it shows a high IL on their part. So really no right or wrong here.

2. Texting between dates - say there are 3+ days in between i.e. on Sun you ask her out, and Fri is when you can meet up. I will usually send a text on Tue and Thu.

3. Texting after the first date - I prefer the woman reaches out, after-all the guy took her out so if she has interest in seeing the guy again I think she should text and let the guy know she had a great time, thanks etc etc. However, if I really liked her I do reach out to her the next evening (if she hasn't) saying I had a nice time and if she's available to meet up again.

4. Texting after sex - I used to let the woman text me but in my experience they hesitate. I later found out that they felt if I liked the sex I would reach out otherwise she would consider it a pump-and-dump. Ghosting after sex is hurtful to most women unless that's all they were looking for too. I usually keep it simple depending on what happened etc 'Hey, I just wanted to say I had a great time with you, I'm a sucker for pillow talk sorta like an aft-play' or 'I hope you're having a great day; after last night I certainly am ' or whatever.

 

[AJ84]

What are your typical texting guidelines and etiquette you follow? The 3 (?) ladies here are welcome to chime in from their perspective @BeExcellent @AJ84 @sazc

1. First contact - I think the man should make the first contact (lead) so I have no problem with this at all, except on Bumble women have to initiate it so that's different. Women who contact me first is also fine as it shows a high IL on their part. So really no right or wrong here.

2. Texting between dates - say there are 3+ days in between i.e. on Sun you ask her out, and Fri is when you can meet up. I will usually send a text on Tue and Thu.

3. Texting after the first date - I prefer the woman reaches out, after-all the guy took her out so if she has interest in seeing the guy again I think she should text and let the guy know she had a great time, thanks etc etc. However, if I really liked her I do reach out to her the next evening (if she hasn't) saying I had a nice time and if she's available to meet up again.

4. Texting after sex - I used to let the woman text me but in my experience they hesitate. I later found out that they felt if I liked the sex I would reach out otherwise she would consider it a pump-and-dump. Ghosting after sex is hurtful to most women unless that's all they were looking for too. I usually keep it simple depending on what happened etc 'Hey, I just wanted to say I had a great time with you, I'm a sucker for pillow talk sorta like an aft-play' or 'I hope you're having a great day; after last night I certainly am ' or whatever.

I am out of the dating pool now but I remember feeling good when a guy sent a few texts here or there between meeting up. Usually how’s your day going/ a funny meme/ light banter/flirting etc. One or two times a day between meeting up was enough imo. Enough to know he was still interested and not too much that he wasn’t on my mind. Just throwing me a few bones to keep me on my toes in a good way.

One guy liked to converse via texting, like an actual conversation. I personally don’t like having long texting sessions because I don’t have the time and it’s exhausting having to text so much. That annoyed the crap out of me but I didn’t know how to address it with him.

I think your texting method has a good balance .

 

[sazc]

Your approach sounds fine to me. Just remember, one size doesn't fit all. Be true to who you are so that like people will gravitate towards you

 

[HankHill]

Be true to who you are so that like people will gravitate towards you

But I wanna be like deezebrah since all the young hotties gravitate towards him.

OK the reason I asked about texting after sex is because of the most recent event this weekend. She's really into me and I can also tell she really wants a LTR with me, she just barely stops short of saying it. I wasn't initially attracted to her that much but I'm growing to like her mostly because of her personality but we've only known eachother a short time so I've given her the aloof/detached vibe. After she'd just finished cvmming and as we were both catching our breaths she said 'so how does this work? if I want this again do I show up at your house?' I said 'good girls always text first' and we both had a good laugh. Then she went quiet...she was also very quiet when I was leaving as if she wanted to say something but was holding back. I haven't heard from her since so I'm confused if I should let her reach out to me or not?

 

[sazc]

Oh boy... So I'm guessing here... you essentially told her she was one of many. You slut shamed her. She doesn't feel special. Or, what started out as a joke, ended up hurting her feelings. Really anything is possible.

Women after sex can be emotional, or not.

Text her and say hello. Ask how her day was. Play this like everything is normal.

 

[BeExcellent]

To me your text game looks fine, but what people expect & are comfortable with is going to vary.

I'm pretty conservative in text game. Early on I'll respond but I won't initiate. And I'll be warm & encouraging in my response(s), but I will wait & see if the man is going to A.) lead, and B). act in a manner that shows me some level of interest & investment.

And like the woman who you sexed up recently and told her "good girls always contact first, etc." who has gone silent? This is a shjt test. If she values herself she is likely to await your communication. She won't chase after you.

Even once into a LTR I only initiate contact only 10-15% of the time, roughly. Text, social media & telephone combined. As a result my guy continues to invest in me, pursue me, and choose me. He is actively acting in a manner that shows his continued interest and investment.

People value what they invest in. I value myself enough to expect men I date to appreciate my value as well. If a man won't reach out early on?

That tells me all the wrong things about his interest level & intent.

 

[HankHill]

Oh boy... So I'm guessing here... you essentially told her she was one of many. You slut shamed her. She doesn't feel special. Or, what started out as a joke, ended up hurting her feelings. Really anything is possible.

Women after sex can be emotional, or not.

Text her and say hello. Ask how her day was. Play this like everything is normal.

I didn't think about that but now that you mention it I suppose she could've taken it that way. But seriously though she can't realistically think that we're exclusive since we just started seeing each other. I did tell her that I really like the fact that she has a very sexy feminine vibe that I love and it's hard to find these days. Both of which are true.

 

[sazc]

I didn't think about that but now that you mention it I suppose she could've taken it that way. But seriously though she can't realistically think that we're exclusive since we just started seeing each other. I did tell her that I really like the fact that she has a very sexy feminine vibe that I love and it's hard to find these days.

There's no way to know how she's taking anything and it's NOT your job to guess at these things. Never allow anxiety to dominate your thinking. Text her as if it's just another day and you wanted to reach out and say hello. Possibly set up another date.

 

[BeExcellent]

@sazc was commenting as I was typing. I concur with her opinion 100% about Hank saying this girl is one of many.

She will wait to see if you reach out in order to determine if you are a player/pump & dumper or if you actually remember her as an individual & have interest in her as a person, not just a pvssy.

 

[sazc]

@sazc was commenting as I was typing. I concur with her opinion 100% about Hank saying this girl is one of many.

She will wait to see if you reach out in order to determine if you are a player/pump & dumper or if you actually remember her as an individual & have interest in her as a person, not just a pvssy.

Sh1t happens. What starts off as fun and playful, can end up hurting feelings. You guys talk about playful banter on here, and I don't disagree BUT you've really got to know someone well to pull it off.

Dating is so much fun, eh?

 

[HankHill]

There's no way to know how she's taking anything and it's NOT your job to guess at these things. Never allow anxiety to dominate your thinking. Text her as if it's just another day and you wanted to reach out and say hello. Possibly set up another date.

That was my thinking too, to text her tonight (after giving her some time and space).

Sh1t happens. What starts off as fun and playful, can end up hurting feelings. You guys talk about playful banter on here, and I don't disagree BUT you've really got to know someone well to pull it off.

Dating is so much fun, eh?

True, but I felt the comfort level with her to do it...we talked about all kinds of stuff so I'd be REALLY surprised if that's the reason. I think she was getting too emotional and might be trying to back off because after the sex she had her head on my chest and said 'I don't know how to separate emotions from all this, sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable' to which I said 'you're not, there's nothing wrong with it and I find it very sweet' then I gave her a kiss, she smiled and sorta got lost in her thoughts until I said 'I should probably get going'...

I'll post an update after I text her later tonight. Thanks for the feedback ladies!!

 

[sazc]

Shes into you
Use your power for good, not for evil

 

[HankHill]

Shes into you
Use your power for good, not for evil

Believe me, I'm not trying to be evil, I'm just trying to slow things down, while showing that I'm interested (s3x was great!) and while also showing that I have other options too (to keep her interest as well). I'm afraid I just don't know her enough yet to make a concrete decision. Hard to tell a woman flat out 'wait around, have s3x with me and I'll let you know in a few months if I want a relationship with you' lol

Anyway, sounds like she was waiting for me to reach out to her (as has been my experience previously) and she sounds a bit upset that I didn't reach out sooner lol

 

[devilkingx2]

like two days ago I jokingly texted a girl that she should toootally introduce me to her hot sister, and she was like "no way she's too young for you" (they look like they're the same age so I dunno how but okay lmao) and I was like "oh well then, at least I still have you right? <3" and I haven't heard from her since

so... don't do that. but if you do do that, it's pretty funny

 

[sazc]

She shouldn't be seeing with you unless she's confident she can handle the uncertainty that comes with having a sexual relationship without commitment.

That said, TONS of women lie to themselves daily that they can handle this, and they end up feeling used and giving themselves relationship PTSD/anxiety.

As long as she is being respectful with you, be gentle about this process

 

[HankHill]

like two days ago I jokingly texted a girl that she should toootally introduce me to her hot sister, and she was like "no way she's too young for you" (they look like they're the same age so I dunno how but okay lmao) and I was like "oh well then, at least I still have you right? <3" and I haven't heard from her since

so... don't do that. but if you do do that, it's pretty funny

I know what you mean, I've said stupid stuff thinking we had a good understanding and I'll get a pass because of my playful nature but women who are unsure/insecure will analyze every single thing you say or do and take it wrong. In this case though "IF" you like her reach out! little misunderstandings shouldn't become huge obstacles in going for what you want.

As long as she is being respectful with you, be gentle about this process

How do you mean? be gentle. I think I have been but I'm all ears.

Now lets go back to the bedroom. That moment her head was laying on your chest. You know there was a lot of sh*t processing in her head. You know she was wondering about the intent and nature of things. You know she was thinking is this a possible LTR or am I just another notch? And per the usual way of men, you somewhat tap-danced around answering it.

The question remained unanswered. The sh*t test then ensued. And here is your thread. You may have passed the test, but the question is still somewhat unanswered. This is why the texts you posted have a somewhat awkward and uncertain feel to them: who misses who, who is going to answer first, etc. Its the same game. The same test. The same unanswered question.

I choose to be open, candid and mature about my intent with the women I meet. When they ask me what I am looking for, I tell them I am open to all possibilities but that I am not looking for anything in particular.

Excellent post as always and it requires me to further elaborate because I think I do what you're saying here. So a quick background, at first I wasn't very attracted to her, she just wasn't my type. I'd rate her a 6 but she looks a solid 7 when she's dressed up. She's also very sweet and has a similar life story to mine, well educated, good career etc. The more I got to know her the more I started to like her personality. Our first quick coffee date was 2hrs, our second date was 6hrs, our 3rd date bedroom acrobats for 12+hrs with lots of pillow talk in between sessions (2hrs of sleep, if that), the 4th date this past weekend at her place where asked me to stay over, we walked down to the town center for brunch holding hands etc. She's dying to be in a relationship with me, she's said it indirectly like a dozen times in various ways.

Anyway, in all that talking and communicating I never once said that I wasn't interested in a relationship or that I was simply looking for a hookup. I've given her a lot of my time, aside from s3x, which should be an indication to her that it's not a pump and dump. But like most emotional women she wants to hear it I keep telling her that I like I her. I stop just short of fully validating her because I think it's too soon, may be a month or two of dating at least, geez! lol. She even asked if I was banging other women, to which I simply said with a smile 'are you asking if we're exclusive?' and she said 'well I know we haven't talked about that but does that mean we can both be non-exclusive right?' <- sh1t test lol. So I said 'of course!' and gave her a kiss. I know she's not going to sleep with anyone else (but if she does that's fine) and I'm the 4th guy she's ever had sex with. She's very open with me and willing to be vulnerable by telling me a lot, so that right there shows me she has a very high comfort level with me. Even in bed she's very open with me and will do anything I want her to. So while I didn't clearly tell her I missed her but I think she can read between the lines from all that's transpired that I do like her. So from my perspective it's all going the way it should be and could very possibly turn into a LTR...she just seems to want to lock me down right now.

Let me know if you guys think I should do/act differently.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Maybe you are the one who wants to ltr her op, even if you initially didn´t.

 

[HankHill]

Maybe you are the one who wants to ltr her op, even if you initially didn´t.

I see it as a possibility, sure. I don't believe in spinning plates forever. She seems LTR material.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I think you are doing a pretty good job as it is.

If I had to nit-pick, I might suggest not joking around after sex while women are feeling vulnerable, but as you already know, you can't give up too much either. And when she asked you if you can both be non-exclusive, you are right, it was a test, however, I probably wouldn't have said "of course", I would have instead continued asking her questions in an attempt to get her to say what she truly wants (because I'm 90% certain that isn't what she wanted, of course). So my response instead would have been, "Is that what you want?" Until SHE had said what she wanted first, I wouldn't say what I want. One thing I have learned though, is that even if a woman says she's interested in something serious, many women will quickly change their mind once you respond by agreeing to something long-term with them because they are in it for the chase and once they feel they have you, they are off onto the next challenge, so you need to be really sure that she is highly interested in you, and that you want it too. It may seem easy to determine that but many women will trick you and it is a learning process to become an expert at it. It's easy to mistake their interest in the chase for their interest in you.

 

[HankHill]

So my response instead would have been, "Is that what you want?" Until SHE had said what she wanted first, I wouldn't say what I want. One thing I have learned though, is that even if a woman says she's interested in something serious, many women will quickly change their mind once you respond by agreeing to something long-term with them because they are in it for the chase and once they feel they have you, they are off onto the next challenge

That's it right there. I want her to keep feeling the high from the chase/mystery, I want to be within just enough of her reach but not fully because I have to be higher value to keep her interest. If I give in too easily she won't appreciate it/me. She says she loves my confidence and assertiveness and that was missing from all of her past relationships. She says she loves how I can be both so tender and at the same time man-handle her in bed. All good signs so far. So right now I feel my job is simply to continue doing what she likes, show her a great time whenever we meet. Oh and I'm certain there are more sh1t tests to come, it's always like that. She might even get pissed and want to 'breakup' or see other people because I'm a 'player' or 'not LTR minded' or whatever but if I stay calm and charming 'Sorry you feel that way but if it doesn't work out give me a call because I really like you' - it will only draw her closer. I call her cutie, but I don't tell her she's hot, I tell her I love her @ss but I won't tell her she has a sexy @ss etc, minor differences but very different vibes.

The only reason I didn't ask her 'Is that what you want?' is because I knew her answer already and it would've boomeranged back to me with 'no I don't but if you're not wanting to be exclusive then I shouldn't have to be either' and then devolve from there.