Temper Problems...

[Psychonaut]

This February I will be turning 26, but it feels at times, like I still have the temperament of my 16-year old self. I thought long and hard about this and tried to figure out why I get so upset, and the main theory I've come up with is the fact that I grew up fighting.

I was a military brat for 18 years, and it's a little known fact that military towns, especially the ones overseas, are the best disguised ghettos in Western culture. If you talked trash, you got your ass kicked. If you weren't ready for that, you didn't talk. Hell there were even "gangs" that kids formed that we didn't necessarily realize were gangs.

Secondly, respect. People walk around these days and say whatever the hell they want like words carry no meaning anymore. Well to someone like me, your words are very serious. I have a sense of this thing called, oh, HONOR. You disrespect a man's honor, you're f'ing asking for it.

Some of you might be nodding and going, "Damn right, man. I don't take crap from anyone." Neither do I.

But, (and here's the point/question in my post) it comes at a price, and now at nearly 26, I feel like a damned fool sometimes when I feel myself getting angry in a social setting because some twerp has little-man syndrome and wants to prove himself to others by stepping to me because I'm the "big guy." (5'11'', 220 lbs., ~18% body fat, actually not that big, but in my town, I am.) These little guys are getting pretty bold these days doing this crap and I'm wondering how many of you "big guys" out there are tolerating this, encouraging it?

I want it to go away though. I want to have skin made of smooth, hard, steel that doesn't crack for anyone, and yet somehow, I get the feeling that I give off this vibe that people *know* I will get angry if they come say something to me. People don't like big, aggressive meat heads at parties and it gets you kicked out of bars and gets you charged with assault. Everything on this board says, "Be cool, keep your head. Never let anyone crack you."

I have another screen name, almost jokingly, that "apathy is bliss". Honestly though, if I could make myself apathetic to these morons, I'd blow 'em off and know they have never have the balls to swing at me first (and they NEVER have.)

Logically, I can do this. But in the moment, I haven't been able to stop myself. It's like I am GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED to getting physically angry. My pulse raises, the adrenaline floods my veins, I start shaking, and I want to choke-slam the prick in front of me opening his mouth.

Get this: I am Korean/Mongol (yes, Mongol, I am one of Gengis Khan's descendants), IRISH, and German. Not cultures exactly known for keeping their cool.

Anyone else relate to this and figure out how to beat it?

Appreciate it fellas.

 

[darkstarrr]

Hey Psychonaut, there's nothing wrong with you man. Sometimes I just want to crush people's skulls like a gorilla squeeezing a cantaloupe. Anger and aggression are perfectly normal and an important part of our survival over thousands of years. If I had it my way, a cross-bow would be a permanent part of my repuetoire.

So we live in this world with laws and regulations, and a general idea of ways of conducting ourselves that is socially acceptable; which has been and is a formulation of the best interests of our species. My advice for you would be to think about that in terms of the things you can do and the ways you can 'behave' that will serve you the best throughout your life.

It's good that you recognize that you get pissed off more than you would like sometimes. At least you are not some dufus who just goes around being an a$$hole to everyone and thinking everyone else is just a pawn in your world. That would be ignorant.

What I found has helped me over the years is to recognize that you are a lot more fortunate than a lot of people in the world. When you find yourself getting more angry than you would like try to stop yourself consciously and think about whether or not it makes sense that you are getting so upset.

Most importantly to try to find different ways of letting out your aggression in constructive ways, sports, the gym, sex, whatever. But ALSO try to find ways of calming yourself down a few times a week. Meditation and deep breathing have worked for me. During those times I close my eyes and think about the different things in my life that I like; the things that make me happy. Other times I will think about the things in my life that I am unhappy about, and then I think about ways that I can make a difference for the better of not only myself but also the people who are in my life. Heck if you need to meditate sometimes and think about tying people's legs in a knot go for it - you might end up hysterically laughing and I'm sure you might find that therapeutic!

Live well. Good luck.

 

[sodbuster]

So, if a 300 lb NFL lineman would mouth off to you, you'd still get the rush to pick him up and body slam him? Or would you keep your cool? If you'd keep your cool and not punch him, it has nothing to do with your temper-it has to do with desire to control it. When you know you're going to get an ass kicking you can control it,but otherwise you don't want to [as much].

I once let a little guy[170 or so] have a free shot at my stomach-told him go ahead[I was talking to his GF-I'd known her since age 6]. He sprained his wrist and I told him to drop it before he got really hurt. don't really recommend that one,but I wasn't in the mood to interfere with my beer drinking.

Your best bet is to see them as the homeless guy on the street. If a homeless guy told you off would you care? Give these guys the same look you'd give the homeless guy and ignore them. Sometimes they do just need their ass kicked,but you didn't need advice there.

 

[decades]

getting angry is a very ego centric activity. It screams "I'm special, I deserve more, I deserve the best, I'm different, etc." I was in a philosophy class and the prof said Do you think the Buddha would really ever get angry? His answer was NO.

 

[jophil28]

getting angry is a very ego centric activity. It screams "I'm special, I deserve more, I deserve the best, I'm different, etc." I was in a philosophy class and the prof said Do you think the Buddha would really ever get angry? His answer was NO.

Kind of New Agey thinking.
Anger is just a feeling and is there for a reason. How we execute it is under our control as mature men..

Secondly, The Buddha did not get angry because he couldn't fight. He flunked out Kung Fu 101, and he was too fat to bolt.

Then he kept tripping over those ridiculous orange robes.

 

[Psychonaut]

I appreciate the tips. These are all things I knew in the back of my mind, but for some reason need to see them articulated by someone else to help reinforce their application. Naturally it also always helps to do a little :cuss: too.

So, if a 300 lb NFL lineman would mouth off to you, you'd still get the rush to pick him up and body slam him? Or would you keep your cool? If you'd keep your cool and not punch him, it has nothing to do with your temper-it has to do with desire to control it. When you know you're going to get an ass kicking you can control it,but otherwise you don't want to [as much].

Unfortunately, yes. I have swung on guys that were bigger than me, and while I've never been hospitalized from it, I'd be lying if I said I haven't gotten my ass kicked from it. I'm glad you posted that though, because it forced me to realize how pig-headed I can really be.

getting angry is a very ego centric activity. It screams "I'm special, I deserve more, I deserve the best, I'm different, etc." I was in a philosophy class and the prof said Do you think the Buddha would really ever get angry? His answer was NO.

I like this a lot (even if it's a little skewed.) This sums up the embarrassment I feel when I get this angry, and hope it provides enough motivation to yank myself back from the brink.

Again, thanks fellas.

 

[AIRWARRIOR71]

I just wanted to touch on something I haven't seen anyone else say anything about. Some people have physical strength and use that to get their way or to push their agenda on others, then there are others who have mental strength and use that to twist people into a ball so that they are so unnerved that they can't act right. In some ways they are both a form of exerting control over one's environment...but to a degree neither are right to do.

Society does seem to prefer someone who uses mental strength over physical strength. I see one example in the gamesmanship used by Hines Ward of the Pittsburgh Steelers. He is given respect and kudos by teammates and rivals as well. The biggest point is he gets people off their game by using his trash talking to get other players to make mistakes or overplay, and uses that against them. I would just suggest that you think about the purpose of the talk...to get you riled, and try outsmarting them rather than making an ass of yourself and getting booted from a bar for being the big guy who can't handle himself when someone talks trash to him.

Same size or bigger, the easiest way to best someone is to get them to react or get angry from someone's words. The result is a guy who is way overreacting, takes aggressive action, and all the other person has to do is react, knowing what is coming. If you can make someone behave the way you want them to, or do what you make them do, then you control them.

I imagine you are embarrased or frustrated because you have let these people control your emotions and thus get the best of you. Try using your mind to control your body. Besides, who cares what someone else is saying...its a sign of jealousy or insecurity if unprovoked. Personally I'd point that out..."hmm...(so and so), are you jealous or just insecure because xxxx reason?" That's my $.02

 

[Trajhenkhet01]

Well testing doesn't just go on with the ladies. If someone lays out an insult on you, you could ignore it, but you could also call someone on it. Nothing wrong with being straight up with people. Sometimes you can gain a friend where a fight could have started. A big man that's quick in body and mind is a very intimidating thing to behold.