Tell-Tell Signs She's Not Over Her Ex?

[upcoming_DJ]

Hi DJs,

thanks very much for all your great advice over the past couple of weeks! This one is a bit long but felt the more details the better it would be for your to send your opinions and advice on the situation.

Been hanging out with this girl for the past 3 months on weekends. (with 2 or 3 unexplained absences as per 16 commandments of poon)

Here's the thing:

Over time, it's slowly starting to feel like a "relationship" and she's calling me babe, bringing me around her personal friends and her friends' families (like this past weekend I met 2 of her best friends' families) and she was very natural around them. No anxiousness or awkwardness.

However one thing I've paid keen attention to is:

• She's told me that in her 28 years of life and since starting to date around since 19 years old (late bloomer according to her) she has only had 1 "serious" relationship that only lasted 5 months
• This relationship is with a guy who unknowingly to her, had an official girlfriend. She ended up finding out about it and the guy stopped messing with her. 5 months. She did end up telling me that they still had a fling after the fact for a while.
• One time he came up in conversation and she said (but with an emotion in her body language) " I just really liked this guy, I liked him for who he was as a person" - this was a red flag for me
• This past weekend, she mentioned to me that we were completing 3 months of hanging out (since February). Then she followed up by saying something along the lines of "3 months felt a lot longer in the other". I really didn't know how to take this. I went aloof for a couple of hours. I didn't want to bring it up to her because I didn't want to appear jealous or anything - but I do want to tell her the next time she tries to do this ****. I don't appreciate that she compared what we have going with her ex (seems she only has this to compare to since its her only "serious" relationship in her head she's had) and I understand women WILL compare back to other guys or situations.
• It seems she was really into this guy and she was devastated when she found out that he had a girlfriend and she was just being used. It seems this only amplified her self esteem issues at the time.

the other thing is, as we continue dating and seeing each other, I'm getting more investment from her. for example:

• This weekend she spent money when we went out a couple of times
• She wanted ice cream and I wasn't in the mood for it so i ignored her request and basically drove home. She then walked into town and bought herself ice cream and bought me one too.
• She bought and brought a pack of pills she overheard I was talking to my dad about that a doctor had recommended a while back (she's considering my health and thoughtful of her)
• She washed the dishes that she met in my sink at my apartment (first time she's doing this)
• Brought me around people who are in her "intimate" circle without a problem
• She took the bus to come see me where I live ( a 3 hour bus ride) for the second time in 2 weeks
• She never withholds sex from me and is most always compliant with my requests (even this past weekend on her period she complied willingly - could feel her desire)

so I'm seeing that her investment is increasing. However I always act high value and I have a lot of social value (status) and she sees this every-time she spends time with me and as we travel across our country (just happen to know a lot of people all over my country) due to work, and also my family having owned a national juice company in the past. I never self deprecate either not even to make her laugh.

also keep in mind that she's doing around 80-90% of the pursuing. I hardly initiate communication with her. days go by or hours go by she even calls me to make sure i'm ok.

but I have this underlying feeling that she's not fully over her ex although she claims to be.

I also asked one of her best friends over this past weekend about that situation, and she said that the girl is not a "wild" girl per se and that I shouldn't be worried about her ex.

What would be your best advice going forward?

thanks a lot!

 

[Reykhel]

It doesn't seem like a lot of mention, so try not get your knickers in a twist when all seems to be going perfectly fine.

It's a reference point I suppose, the only one.

You'll pass her record of five months and I'd imagine the references or comparing will be dust and bones.

It does seem very little mentioning though......

don't go aloof it's very reactionary. Just change the subject and don't give it any importance

 

[Atom Smasher]

Here's how I handle this. I'm a rule setter. It is my job as the leader and driving energy behind the relationship to indicate what's ok and what's not. Sometimes these women don't even know what's appropriate, and they simply need to be guided and corrected.

If it came up again, I would tell her that it's not appropriate to discuss our past relationships and feelings that we had for others. I would tell her that if she's not over this guy, you are of course not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. The "of course implies it is reasonable and self-evident. I would say all this dispassionately and without any tone of scolding or judgment. I would say it's a new season of life now and I'm interested in moving ahead and I hope she is, too.

What this will do is cause her to decide that she needs to move on and slam the lid on the old. It in essence gives her "permission" to do so. It will also convey that you are a strong man, that you know what you want, and that you will expect nothing less from her.

I don't believe in this "don't mention it because it makes you look weak" strategy. I think that a man handles his business and communicates to a woman what he expects from her. Usually, in the process, you are applying the very same rules to yourself, and this portrays you as fair-minded. These are the rules you are setting forth for "Us", so-to-speak.

Never use the word "rule" though. Use words like expectations, parameters, guidelines. She will get it.

She sounds like a good gal and someone who is worth pursuing, but you need to nip this sh!t in the bud and set your guidelines. If she is the woman I think she is, she will fall for you even more for being a take-charge guy. If on the off chance that she rebels, then good riddance. I don't think that will be the case though.

They key to female acceptance of your guidelines is your tone. Firm and matter-of-fact.