Talking about ex's

[cognac]

Is it bad when a girl keeps talking about her ex to you?
This girl I'm trying to get with brings him up occasionally. What should I say to her when she brings him up? I've been bringing up my ex everytime she mentions him. I don't really mind her talking about him. But the last time she mentioned him she said that it was her fault and his fault that they broke up.

They spilt up 3 months ago and I split up with my ex 2 months ago. How should I approach this?

 

[jophil28]

Not quite sure what you are asking here.
Do you just want her to stop talking about him, or do you want to know whether her talking about him indicates a hidden problem in your relationship ?

 

[cognac]

I don't want her to stop persay if it means getting stuff off her chest. And yes I'm asking if it has any demeanor to an unforeseen dwindle of interest.

I mean at first she was blaming him and I just used that as a tool to find out what she likes in a guy. But just recently she mentioned it was both her fault and his. And that's what has put up a red flag.

 

[jophil28]

LIsten to her stories- she will tell you, in her history, how she acts and how she treats the man in her life.

 

[jophil28]

.. I just used that as a tool to find out what she likes in a guy. But just recently she mentioned it was both her fault and his. And that's what has put up a red flag.

This is what most guys do. THey enquire about what she "likes" so that he can mold himself to be more to her liking...stop that now.
She likes you enough to be with you.
The issue is not what she "likes', it is whether she deserves to be kept in your life.

 

[cognac]

I know what you're saying and that's what I'm doing. But I just feel like when she brings it up she is having second thoughts on not being with him. I feel ilke telling her "Look I don't mind you talking about this stuff but it makes me feel uncomfortable at times. I'm here for you if you need to get this stuff out but I'm not gonna sit here and be your emotional sponge if you are having second thoughts."

I'm a brutally honest person and it's only gonna build up until I do say something along these lines. I don't want to come off as harsh if you know what I mean.

 

[cognac]

I wasn't using it as a tool to mold myself. I was using it to inquire on her to see if we are actually compatible. I don't change myself for anybody. I'm just me and that's it.

 

[cognac]

Does it sound like she is pushing me to the friend zone with all this talk of her ex?

 

[jophil28]

Does it sound like she is pushing me to the friend zone with all this talk of her ex?

NO. She is not lining you up for a LJBF. She is using you PARTLY as a male girlfriend to spill her residual feelings about her ex.
After all, you and she are each other's "rebound guy".

You are seeing someone whose emotions are not yet detached from her past relationship.
DO you and she regard your relationship as 'exclusive' ?

 

[cognac]

No we're not exclusive yet. That's why I'm asking if she is pushing me to a LJBF.
I'm just gonna tell her it's weird she brings it up most of the time and that it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I mean I want to listen to what she has to say but it makes me feel like she is just using me as an emotional sponge.

 

[Tazman]

Don't tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're not supposed to care because it doesn't make a difference to a guy like yourself who can move on to greener pastures. Make her want to stop on her own by "covertly" letting her know that you are the prize.

Don't verbalize this "overtly" to her, it will never have the intended effect. That's what a lot of people don't understand, they have to "want" to do this, you can't negotiate this kind of thing.

 

[cognac]

I hear ya. I just really don't want to hear about this crap from her though. I mean I really don't talk about my ex. I usually change the subject when she brings it up. She doesn't really have any close friends either though just acquaintances she's met from work. I just figure if a girl starts talking like that then it's doomsday LJBF.

So I should just let her ramble on a bit and then change the subject or talk about my ex like I have been doing?

 

[sodbuster]

NO FRIENDS is a bigger red flag than talking about her ex.Unless she is totally new to the city,she should have friends-esp, other women. Women see the bad in each other long before a man stops thinking with his richard.

 

[Colossus]

You left out a key detail---how long she was with her ex.

If she was with him for a year or more it is somewhat understandable for her to talk about him 3 months post-breakup, but at the same time she should'nt keep revisiting the issue. It sounds to me like she has unfinished business and lingering doubts. Not LTR material.

 

[cognac]

I used to date her a while ago. She was with her ex for 5 years(split up for 2 years til a year ago then got back together and had a falling out again). They have a kid together. It's just a bad situation all around. I'm thinking it is just a waste of time with this one.

She called me on Wednesday and bs'ed about some crapola he's trying to pull. She was at work when she called and had to go back to work. Told me she'd call back when she got off. And well low and behold no call. lol. Still hasn't called. I'm not gonna initiate any contact unless she contacts me. That is just a sign of low interest. That and the baggage she is dealing with. I'm just not a priority.

So I should just forget about her unless she starts to come around? I mean don't contact her unless she makes the effort because she said she'd call and didn't. And if she doesn't call back just forget about her?

 

[Mr. Me]

>> What should I say to her when she brings him up? I've been bringing up my ex everytime she mentions him.>>

I'm guessing her ex dumped her, despite what she says, because that's the way it goes: whoever gets dumped is the one that feels the pain. And she's newly dumped and going through the process of being hurt and she vents to you because she doesn't have anyone else to vent to, and women HAVE to vent.

One thing I would NOT do is talk about MY ex to her.

>> just recently she mentioned it was both her fault and his. And that's what has put up a red flag. >>

I don't see it as a flag. I see that as her being diplomatic. Imagine if she was cussing him out and laying ALL the blame at his feet. You'd have to think "what part did this chick play in it? She wants me to think she's a saint?" Better that she's diplomatic.

>> I'm here for you if you need to get this stuff out but I'm not gonna sit here and be your emotional sponge if you are having second thoughts." I'm a brutally honest person >>

Here's a tip for you: "brutally honest" is another way of saying "I'm tactless". Tactless is going to turn people off while you go around claiming that you're just being honest. Instead of using the crass "hey I'm not your emotional sponge" line, which is kinda hard, try handling it this way. For five minutes you nod you head understandingly and make empathic sounds like, "uh huh" and "oh" and "that must suck". Then you bolt up and enthusiastically state, "Hey! Let's get going! I don't wanna miss the [insert whatever your plans are for the night here]!"

She'll feel "heard and understood" which is all she really wants, and you're not being an emotional sponge. You just helped her vent and feel better for a few minutes, that's all, and now it's time for the real reason you're there: FUN. THAT'S what you need to remind her of. The positive (Let's go and have fun) she'll associate with you, not the negative (I am not your emotional sponge).

The deal is: she's hurting but we don't know for how long, so don't make it worse. Maybe she'll forget all about him by next week if you two have some fun times.

 

[Colossus]

I used to date her a while ago. She was with her ex for 5 years(split up for 2 years til a year ago then got back together and had a falling out again). They have a kid together. It's just a bad situation all around. I'm thinking it is just a waste of time with this one.

She called me on Wednesday and bs'ed about some crapola he's trying to pull. She was at work when she called and had to go back to work. Told me she'd call back when she got off. And well low and behold no call. lol. Still hasn't called. I'm not gonna initiate any contact unless she contacts me. That is just a sign of low interest. That and the baggage she is dealing with. I'm just not a priority.

So I should just forget about her unless she starts to come around? I mean don't contact her unless she makes the effort because she said she'd call and didn't. And if she doesn't call back just forget about her?

Just a suggestion man but how about you forget about her ENTIRELY.

She has a kid with him?!?! Crap dude that's not exactly a minor detail. Your whole attitude here is telling of desperation. I can always tell when a guy is desperate when he starts trying to micromanage little game issues with a chick he shouldn't be wasting time with in the first place. I think you should step back and honestly ask yourself if you can do better.

Don't cast ye pearls before swine.

 

[cognac]

Yeah i hear ya. I'm just gonna move on from her. She called me up Sunday and pretty much bs'ed to me about the crap he's been putting her through regarding their kid. I listened for a while until my brain felt like it was gonna explode then I just started busting on her and then started talking about something else to change the subject.
Today she sent me one of those stupid chain text messages: "Hey punk you owe me money. You've been living in my heart and not paying rent. Send to your friends you love including me."
Sounds like she is putting me in the friend zone there. I started laughing so hard when I read it. Instant no reply to her and deletion of digits. Ah well **** happens.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> Today she sent me one of those stupid chain text messages: "Hey punk you owe me money. You've been living in my heart and not paying rent. Send to your friends you love including me."
Sounds like she is putting me in the friend zone there.>>

Oh, chicks keep email addresses and email out crap to everyone.

Women value themselves on the basis of how many people they have any sort of relationship with, and by "relationship" I don't mean of the boyfriend/girlfriend type. I mean, like mother/daughter is a relationship, BFF is a relationship, their relationship with co-workers, classmates, etc. You get the idea. A big email database makes them feel good, I think.

That's probably also why they "friend" people they don't even know on myspace.

But good move dumping her digits! She keeps calling you with those stories about her ex... chrissakes, about time she goes boring some other guy with her issues.

 

[cognac]

So she pretty much sent that text to me in the view that I'm a friend then? That's what i was thinking. Dumb broads. ha.