Talk Some Sense Into Me Guys, Struggling!

[soulforge]

i broke up with this chick after 4 months of dating.. not a very long relationship, but it was pretty intense..

i was single for nearly 2 years before her & banged a lot of girls in that time..

this is the first girl i felt different with.. yes definitely got the oneitis for her.. she had lots of good qualities, but over the months some negatives started to surface..

I broke up with her about a month ago, but she is still in my mind constantly.. had some dates, banged a few girls, but nothing has helped!

since the break up, she has been back on POF so she could have banged another guy or two, or she could be dating someone.. or she may still be single!

the break up was kind of mutual.. she flaked on a date with me & i got a little annoyed with her.. she went into victim mode & dropped communication with me.. i felt like she was checking out of the relationship or she was being stubborn & expecting me to chase her

after one week of no contact from her side & two attempts by me to speak to her.. i finally decided to end it & walk away

i did try twice to talk to her before i officially ended it.. but she still seemed stubborn and angry about things


now upon reflection i can see, how i could have handled some things differently & made some mistakes & i can see where she handled things badly with me too

we both had terrible communication between us.. that was the main issue!

i,m at a stage now, where i am willing to risk reaching out to her.. i will more than likely get knocked back.. in that case i will just have to take it as a man and walk away if she does reject me


but.. something in my gut tells me, that it will not work out in the long run! i am currently romanticizing the relationship.. the reality of it could get a whole lot worse if i got back with her


if i was to reach out to her.. how much longer should i leave it for?

what are the risks of trying to get back with a girl that you once dumped? i mean the balance of power would completely shift to her right?

i have made a little positives & negatives list about her.. and its not looking good lol


POSITIVES:

amazing sex..
very affectionate..
down to earth
non drinker (does not do bars or clubs)
we have similar sense of humor
does not dress slutty


NEGATIVES:

can be rude & ****y towards me sometimes

not willing to make any effort to make up after a petty argument

goes into victim mode very easily

seems to be ready to walk away from the relationship quite easily

has LOTS of male friends, mentions other guys a lot & claims to know some drug dealers

shady with her phone.. never goes on whatsapp to check her messages around me (even with 15 unread messages there)

met her on POF


my brain & logic tells me, its a bad idea to get back with her.. but a little part of me thinks maybe we could work it out

 

[Cejay]

I was just broken up with suddenly after an 8 month relationship so I get what you're saying (sort of) with trying to forget someone.

Man, those negatives are all big to me. Just one of them would be enough to make me take a serious think about walking.

My advice is start reading about how to forget/recover and don't look back on this one.

CJ.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Dude are you fvcking serious, read those negatives back to yourself and you’ll realise how crazy you sound even contemplating ever speaking to her again

Shes got more red flags than mainland china

Thats not how a healthy relationship shoud look by any strech of the imagination

 

[Cremasta]

but.. something in my gut tells me, that it will not work out in the long run!

We often hear about 'Women's Intuition', well, guys have it as well.
Our problem is that we usually ignore it. If you've had this gut feeling, and it's strong enough that you've noticed it... trust it.

 

[Lozboss]

Soul - you know my advice.

Take a month or two away from her and then if you still want to try.

YOU ARE TOO FRAGILE TO GO THERE NOW!

As for power- no. You need to swallow some pride but the power never shifts in her favour unless you let it. If it's not working- you walk away.

The power is with the one who can walk away.

 

[ZTIME]

I think I've said this before, but if you missed it..... If you're holding a penny and drop it, when you go to pick it up it doesn't magically turn into $100. It's the same penny you dropped".

Try to understand the value of what you dropped and don't forget what value it has if you choose to pick it up.

Mauser has it right. If you had more options, this would not be a problem.

I read your post, and to me there are several things that stand out. You were single for two years and screwing around with a few plates when you meet this chick on POF who you instantly fell for. Could it be that she was just better than the other "low quality" plates?

You say you broke up with her, but she went NC with you a week before you did it, and you listed that she seemed to be able to walk with ease in your lists of negatives. Could it be that she was pretty much done with the whole thing before you broke up with her? It doesn't really seem like she's begging to get back together with you. Is this effecting your confidence level in a negative way?

Your list of positives really doesn't reflect a good value system on your part. They are really positives, but not enough to place this much value on this chick. Is she even good looking? I didn't see it in the positives list. Maybe it's just me, but I don't fvck ugly women. I'm better then that.

If you re read your post you'll see that your lack of confidence is really playing with your mind. Constantly thinking about how to get back together with a low quality women really shouldn't be coming from a guy with a great confidence level. Maybe you should start working on that. If you don't, this won't be the last time this situation arises in your life (with this chick or another one).

Either way....Good luck brother.

Self-confidence is not a feeling of superiority, but of independence.

 

[thunder_god]

Thats a lot of red flags there buddy lol.

 

[soulforge]

Here is the thing guys.. maybe i am just kidding myself into thinking, that if i got back together with her and i tried to communicate better with her, then things could eventually turn out okay..

The main issue seemed to be bad communication between us.. but also her unwillingness to talk and resolve issues.. wether that is because she does not care, or she is stubborn and goes into victim mode.. i am not sure

the main reason why i walked away is because there is always going to be some conflict and some arguments in any relationship.. its about how you deal with them that really matters, and how you overcome them..

What makes it difficult is that she does have some good qualities too.. and maybe that is why i am finding it difficult.. because every other girl i have met from online dating has pretty much been trash, that i have just kept around for sex.. and this one seemed different

And i agree, lots of red flags there.. also she does know waaay too many men, and i can see that becoming a problem in the future too.. again this could end up causing conflict..

I suppose i need to sit back and think things through logically.. and not let my feelings or emotions for her get in the way

 

[MLU]

i broke up with this chick after 4 months of dating.. not a very long relationship, but it was pretty intense..

i was single for nearly 2 years before her & banged a lot of girls in that time..

this is the first girl i felt different with.. yes definitely got the oneitis for her.. she had lots of good qualities, but over the months some negatives started to surface..

I broke up with her about a month ago, but she is still in my mind constantly.. had some dates, banged a few girls, but nothing has helped!

since the break up, she has been back on POF so she could have banged another guy or two, or she could be dating someone.. or she may still be single!

the break up was kind of mutual.. she flaked on a date with me & i got a little annoyed with her.. she went into victim mode & dropped communication with me.. i felt like she was checking out of the relationship or she was being stubborn & expecting me to chase her

after one week of no contact from her side & two attempts by me to speak to her.. i finally decided to end it & walk away

i did try twice to talk to her before i officially ended it.. but she still seemed stubborn and angry about things


now upon reflection i can see, how i could have handled some things differently & made some mistakes & i can see where she handled things badly with me too

we both had terrible communication between us.. that was the main issue!

i,m at a stage now, where i am willing to risk reaching out to her.. i will more than likely get knocked back.. in that case i will just have to take it as a man and walk away if she does reject me


but.. something in my gut tells me, that it will not work out in the long run! i am currently romanticizing the relationship.. the reality of it could get a whole lot worse if i got back with her


if i was to reach out to her.. how much longer should i leave it for?

what are the risks of trying to get back with a girl that you once dumped? i mean the balance of power would completely shift to her right?

i have made a little positives & negatives list about her.. and its not looking good lol


POSITIVES:

amazing sex..
very affectionate..
down to earth
non drinker (does not do bars or clubs)
we have similar sense of humor
does not dress slutty


NEGATIVES:

can be rude & ****y towards me sometimes

not willing to make any effort to make up after a petty argument

goes into victim mode very easily

seems to be ready to walk away from the relationship quite easily

has LOTS of male friends, mentions other guys a lot & claims to know some drug deal
This is what you should have done, and you know it

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

has LOTS of male friends, mentions other guys a lot & claims to know some drug dealers

shady with her phone.. never goes on whatsapp to check her messages around me (even with 15 unread messages there)

These right here are the biggest errors with her. You can deal with all the rest and straighten out those other negatives (albeit very hard, but still doable), but these 2 right here will burn the relationship. These you can't fix, SHE has to fix on her own. And chances are, she won't fix them.

It's up to you to do what you want, bro. But I place my vote on shutting her out of your life forever.

 

[soulforge]

These right here are the biggest errors with her. You can deal with all the rest and straighten out those other negatives (albeit very hard, but still doable), but these 2 right here will burn the relationship. These you can't fix, SHE has to fix on her own. And chances are, she won't fix them.

It's up to you to do what you want, bro. But I place my vote on shutting her out of your life forever.

I hear you bro.. this girl had some dude call her while she was at my house, and she would not pick up the call.. she claimed he talks too much, so she dodged the call.. according to her, its some dude from her sons soccer club!

It felt kinda shady to me..

Her young son plays soccer, so she is at the football grounds and the soccer clubs a lot..

Its a very male environment.. so she gets to know lots of dudes there.. its impossible for me to ask her not to talk to these dudes, as she will use her child against me!

The fact that she knows so many dudes, is going to cause conflict at some point or another.. and conflict leads to her going into victim mode, and pulling away from the relationship..

Seems like a no win situation to me..

 

[soulforge]

A girl with this many male friends will always be a liability.. and because most of these dudes are from her sons soccer clubs... there is jack i can say or do about it.

Add too boot shady behaviour with her whatsapp..

 

[Infern0]

Contacting her is a 100% no.

This is why you don't burn bridges, your last communication when things broke down should have been along the lines of "I want to sort this out, so if you want to talk, give me a call" then you move on.

Makes it easy to do a soft reset in the future. Of course you understand that you let things get this bad, you know you were showing weak, needy behavior which resulted in her IL decreasing, and you continued making mistakes until you ran out of options and "mutually broke up" which means you got dumped.

Sorry brother I tell it how it is.

The situation you are in now is her interest level is a 3 or 4. It needs to rise above a 5 before she puts herself into your orbit. That'll only happen with time and you being ghost. Every time you contact her, the timer resets.

You MAY have a chance down the line but you also may not. You need to walk away from her and come to understand the mistakes you made so it doesn't happen again. IF she reaches out, set a date and act like a man this time.

 

[soulforge]

Contacting her is a 100% no.

This is why you don't burn bridges, your last communication when things broke down should have been along the lines of "I want to sort this out, so if you want to talk, give me a call" then you move on.

Makes it easy to do a soft reset in the future. Of course you understand that you let things get this bad, you know you were showing weak, needy behavior which resulted in her IL decreasing, and you continued making mistakes until you ran out of options and "mutually broke up" which means you got dumped.

Sorry brother I tell it how it is.

The situation you are in now is her interest level is a 3 or 4. It needs to rise above a 5 before she puts herself into your orbit. That'll only happen with time and you being ghost. Every time you contact her, the timer resets.

You MAY have a chance down the line but you also may not. You need to walk away from her and come to understand the mistakes you made so it doesn't happen again. IF she reaches out, set a date and act like a man this time.

I agree with you, but her interest level only dropped after we had the argument.. before we argued she seemed very keen to meet me etc...she was the one who was initiating dates!!

And I agree.. when she flaked on the date, i should have played it cool.. the thing is tho, she had already previously tried playing games, so i decided to call her out this time around...


Looking back now, maybe i should have just left the ball in her court.. but i seriously felt like ending it with her was the only option left..

There was other incidents that i took into factor.. there was atleast two other occasions where this girl created drama over little things, and i could tell she was ready to walk quite easily..

The relationship started to feel like a liability to me.. so i felt no choice but to end it..

 

[soulforge]

Contacting her is a 100% no.

This is why you don't burn bridges, your last communication when things broke down should have been along the lines of "I want to sort this out, so if you want to talk, give me a call" then you move on.

Makes it easy to do a soft reset in the future. Of course you understand that you let things get this bad, you know you were showing weak, needy behavior which resulted in her IL decreasing, and you continued making mistakes until you ran out of options and "mutually broke up" which means you got dumped.

Sorry brother I tell it how it is.

The situation you are in now is her interest level is a 3 or 4. It needs to rise above a 5 before she puts herself into your orbit. That'll only happen with time and you being ghost. Every time you contact her, the timer resets.

You MAY have a chance down the line but you also may not. You need to walk away from her and come to understand the mistakes you made so it doesn't happen again. IF she reaches out, set a date and act like a man this time.

You say contacting her is 100% no

What if i was to let her know, that i am interested in talking to her.. then i just leave the ball in her court and walk away..

Either she will reject me.. or she will reach out at some point?


The last contact i had with her, i told her i was not interested in seeing her anymore..

 

[Cloudtopsun2100]

let it go, its not supposed to be this hard to be with a good woman - if its hard then its not meant to be

 

[salinechow]

The best advice is to wait it out. If you must contact her you need to do it with some perspective on the situation. Perspective, that only time(not advice) can give you. Forget about positives and negatives. Its not a stock. Its a human being. If you have REAL heart for this girl it might still be there (in a more manageable way) when you reach out in 60 days(minimum).

Right now, I dont think its 'her" you want. And...if you did "get" her, you would be disappointed with the interaction. It would be gaurded and sensitive. It wouldnt be fun. You are chasing a bandaid for your own ego right now. Thats no way to start dating a girl again. Youll be a sensitive suck ass and take normal woman sh!t tests to hard and get pissed off. She will be extra on guard and in "making you earn it" mode. Bleccch. No good. No fun. and, probably no sex.

Wait.

In the meantime, you know the drill.

Work hard.
Gym.
Plates.
Self improvement and awareness.

 

[pyros]

OP, are you blind?

Red flags:

1- Met her on POF.
2- She has a kid.
3- Lots of male 'friends', hides her phone from you, etc
4- Seems ready to leave you anytime.

WTF????

She is trash. Keep her as a fwb at best.

 

[soulforge]

OP, are you blind?

Red flags:

1- Met her on POF.
2- She has a kid.
3- Lots of male 'friends', hides her phone from you, etc
4- Seems ready to leave you anytime.

WTF????

She is trash. Keep her as a fwb at best.

I hear what you are saying.. its tough.. i have got rid of chicks in the past, that i could clearly see was bad for me.. but this girl is something else.. i really fell for her!


she never actually hid her phone from me.. 99% of our communication was done over whatsapp.. she would be online pretty much all day!

but.. when she came to see me, she would stop over friday & saturday, but she would never use her whatsapp & go online at all.. untill she had actually left my house on sunday!

sometimes she would leave her phone out & i could clearly see she has 15 or more messages come through to her on whatsapp, yet she would not check who they are from.. it was almost like she did not want to be seen online, while she was at my house!


i jokingly bought the issue up once.. and she told me it was some dudes from her sons football training.. so basicly she did not want to be chatting to these guys, with me around..

even tho i want this girl back.. i know there is going to be future conflict with her, regarding her associating with too many dudes.. and conflict with her, could lead to her pulling away from the relationship again & going into victim mode..

and the whole relationship breaking down again!

 

[Eljuego]

You probably got hooked on her drama. If she was stubborn and didn't want to resolve things even after a petty argument, she probably left you emotionally stuck....she created in you a need to resolve the issue, but she was unwilling.....that need is still there. Accept that it's there, but let it die.

By the way, being stubborn and/or angry in my opinion is the only red flag that you need not to proceed. If you have someone who communicates like a spoiled child and not like an adult, you're fighting a losing battle.

She has nothing to offer you.

Are the things that are attracting you to her, qualities that you are missing?

If I were you:
Cut contact. (the need has to die, then you can see clearly)
Delete account from POF (take a break, you've got stung, let it heal)
Social life (how is your social life? How many clubs or activities are you involved in?
Walk (long walks, clear your mind)
Gym (like others have said)
Take a trip (weekend away)
plan your week ahead (fill your diary with activities and social events, think of the future, leave the past in the past)

Keep ya head up