Taking the lead

[Samedi]

This "taking the lead" i believe is my main weakness i'm finding. This is what usually happens:
Her: What do you want to do?
Me: I don't know.
Her: Well i don't know either.
Me: Up to you, i aren't bothered, whatever.


Now since i'm trying to improve on my weaknesses, i kinda wondered why is it that i allow the girl to make the decisions. Perhaps because if the girl is too open for me to take full control then i clam up and don't like the responsiblity. I don't want a girl to see my lack of leadership or something like that, i can't quite put my finger on what it is. Which is why i wondered if anyone could perhaps point it out to me.

Now on a side note, my girl of 4 months is going away for 9 weeks to Yale Uni. So i decided to man up and ask this girl i've been talking to online for a date. She agreed, and this last Monday we met up, about 5 months after first chatting online. We had a laugh, but it occured to me afterwards that the character of this girl was more intimidating than other girls i had dated. She was louder and more outgoing. I do c&f well enough, im cheeky, but when it comes to ACTION on the dating front, ie: venue changes, original ideas, places to go......i come unstuck. I feel this pressing gloom on me and i cant think for shi.t

After the date, an hour later she texts me,

Her: Thanks for tonight really enjoyed it x.

Me: Yeah it was swell. Good that u enjoyed my company, n my pearly whites lol. Night fish breath. (in reference to her wanting to eat some sardines)

Her: Hehe is that why you didnt kiss me x (I was too slow to pick up on it at the time, but she said she was cold a few times at the pub. I should have asked her to sit next to me, hmmm)

Me: (bit of crap text here) I was tempted too though lol.

Her: hehe bet u were.

2 days later i shoot her a text:

Me: Hi woman ;-) how's things? You kinda passed my examination the other day. Gsoh........check. Though my pet dog makes me laugh too so that doesn't count lol. Personality.......fail. You ain't got one....haha nah your cool. Looks........fail. Your dress sense was woeful! Fancy turning up in charity clothes ;-) I'd need to do further examinations to get a better result....besides i'd like to beat you at pool n rub it in hehe. And you want more of my charm too so it's all peaches n cream. End of long text. Night.

Her: Lol ur 1 strange boy but if you like having dates with someone in the same league as ur pet dog who am i to argue! Not sure if you ticked my boxes think a remeet might be in order x (im guessing that my lack of sexuality on the date is perhaps one of her boxes, and i didn't tick it, so a chance to change that on the 2nd date?)

So, this taking the lead would also mean leading in the interaction with a girl on a kino level and not just the activity we might do (choosing the venue etc)? Which i didn't do on the 1st date, but i take it the door is still open for me to do that?

Bit random i know, oops.

 

[Caveman]

This "taking the lead" i believe is my main weakness i'm finding. This is what usually happens:
Her: What do you want to do?
Me: I don't know.
Her: Well i don't know either.
Me: Up to you, i aren't bothered, whatever.

You are headed for disaster with an attitude like this. Never ever show that your valuable time is this unimportant to you. If you must, make a list of things you would like to do so you will always have some suggestions.
Nothing wrong with having her pick an activity but never because you can't think of one. And make her feel like you are kind of doing her a favor by going with the activity she chose.

As for your c&f.. I dont see anything wrong with it and she seems to respond very well to it. Keep it up. As for kino, have the list include some activities where kino is easy to implement, like shooting pool, rollerblading. Use your c&f to bash her while you help her out.

Good luck.

 

[Desert Fox]

Your problem is self-confidence dude.

You care too much about that broad you're with.

Here's what you wanna do:

ANYTHING YOU FVCKIN WANT

FVCK IF SHE LIKES IT OR NOT

YOU WANNA CHILL, SAY YOU WANNA CHILL

WANNA SEE STAR TREK, SAY YOU WANNA SEE STAR TREK

HELL, EVEN BETTER SAY YOU'RE GONNA GO SEE STAR TREK RIGHT NOW

Fvck what other people want unless they're your boss and you need to get by them for a promotion of sorts.

If she's asking too many questions about "chilling" just be like "shut the fvck up with the questions already."

 

[mothballs]

There's a saying I made up a few years ago...

Two indecisive people will never accomplish anything together.

 

[Samedi]

Well i've probably only on about a handful of occasions in the 4 months since i've been with my gf, out right manned up and took the lead. I guess she's come to accept that i'm crap at that. Yet she's stayed with me. Though i do agree that with other girls it would be a disaster.

Desert Fox, yeah it is self confidence. I'm not used to doing activites on my own let alone with another person. I am confident enough around people in general, but i think maybe the whole walking into a new place and have everyone stare kinda unnerves me. Your thread is helping, due to me always trying to please others first, and it annoys me when i bend over and take it up the bum. I sent that last text after reading ur thread lol, i just thought fook it! Why try to be careful and safe?

I'll add abit later. Thanks for the replys.

 

[Samedi]

Ok so a little update on my situation.

I feel like a coward. A scumbag in many ways. The girl i've been dating since Jan this year, has gone to America to study. On the very day she went away, i had a 2nd date with another girl. The whole "take the lead" thing wasn't stressing me, it's pretty easy for the first 2-3 dates. It's just beyond that, which bothers me.

Anyway, we had a game of pool n penny arcades etc, just goofed around and had fun. Finding a time to escalate without it seeming awkward was on my mind. She was facing away later that night playing some quiz machine, and i put my arms around her waist....briefly just to guage her response, she was cool and so it was all gravy from then on. We ended up making out in the back of my car at the end of the date.

The problem came the next day when my gf text me saying:

"Do you love me. Do you promise."

I felt like crap. I become the very thing i hate. A cheat. A lying jerk. How cheap of me to do what i did. I didn't have sex with this girl, so is it too late to pull out of our arranged meet up this weekend? Somebody tell me i can grow a pair n make the right decision

And then a day ago my gf sent me a msn message while i was offline saying:

"I can't believe that you're mine. I still can't even after all this time, it shows me that you are really special that you still want to be with me."


My gf:
Nice girl, swears a bit too much but is feminine in that girly way which is attractive. She isn't the best looking girl, yet over time i've just accepted that and we are close when we are together. She has a stammer, so i have to be patient with her, but despite theses "flaws" she is loyal. Hasn't given me any reason to doubt her, even going as far to show me her dating account one time (we met online).

I sometimes think i'd rather take a hit on the looks department or a girl have a stammer yet they be the type of girl im looking for in terms of quality traits, rather than a girl who is good looking but lacks the things i want from a chick. Or am i falling for the "fat,ugly girl but is loyal and has a great personality. Good looking, slim girl who is a cheat and has a bland personality."

My options are:
1. Book a hotel and end up having sex with this girl (she seems very sexual going off our 2nd date, rutting herself on me to get herself off? Quite intimidating though cause im not used to that.)

2. Call the weekend off, make some excuse and don't see the girl again. Don't date any girl. Wait for my gf to come back from the States, and resume where we left off. Do i mention anything to her though? Or just put it down to lesson learned and be more careful. How can i talk about "love" and stuff now, knowing im a lying rat, urgh not good. Any tips people?

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

I feel like a coward. A scumbag in many ways. The girl i've been dating since Jan this year, has gone to America to study. On the very day she went away, i had a 2nd date with another girl. The whole "take the lead" thing wasn't stressing me, it's pretty easy for the first 2-3 dates. It's just beyond that, which bothers me.

Well you did say this was your second date on the day your girlfriend went away, so you must have gone on a first date while your girlfriend was still in town. Are you guys in a monogamous relationship? If not, then don't sweat it. If it actually would be cheating on her, then only you know if you are okay with that. We can't tell you it's okay or not okay.

 

[Samedi]

Part of the reason for going on the 1st date with the girl was to push myself, get out of my comfort zone. I wasn't bothered whether she liked me or not, cause my thinking was i had a gf, so no loss.

I just saw it more as me being social, not cheating on that occasion, cause i wasn't thinking about having sex with the girl. I didn't bother text all that much, so really i was ramping up her interest levels. I was just riding the wave and seeing how far i could go with it. Seems i can go all the way.......but i know beforehand that my lies can only take me so far. I doubt i could date this girl for long, i'd bore her.

Jeez, i lie to myself even! I should either full out make my stand on either choice, or end up sad and guilty.

Yes we said that we wouldn't cheat, i teased her about hooking up with a guy, but i trust her. She randomly showed me her online dating account one day (where we met) and i saw her incoming and outgoing mail. So she defo seems loyal. I am a hypocrite for doing what i said i wouldn't do.

Why would i throw away a good going relationship with a girl just cause i managed to have another girl show interest in me and she has big boobs (my gf doesn't)? Just shallow of me. Reminds me of a quote from Scarface:

Went something like "A man has got two things, his word and his balls."

I no longer have my word, and my balls have shrunk to the size of sultana's after this. Am i a man? Let me see, i can fvck a girl but is that greater than my word? I'd prefer my word. Honesty i admire more, so i should take a reality pill and correct my wrong.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and i had no knowledge that my gf had seen another man, but i was loyal to her etc, would i like it if she told me, or i found out she was cheating or had done while with me and we had agreed upon a monogamous relationship? No. So why do i persist upon this path.......im missing something. I think im indifferent tbh. I have a carefree attitude at times, and just zone out when im supposed to act and be responsible and mature. Kinda like being back at school and not paying attention to the teacher and getting lost in your own little dreamworld.