Suffering From Her Insecurities...

[A-Man2151]

My girlfriend of nine months just broke up with me. It sucks really bad, mainly because of the reason. I am 21 and she is 20, and I was her first serious relationship. Because of this, apparently in the past 2 months, she began having 'doubts' about our relationship...that basically even though she continually told me how perfect I was for her, and how extremely happy we were together, she just couldn't date one person in her life. We always ended these conversations with 'Well, if were both happy together, we shouldnt' have to worry what else is out there.' I never thought that her mindset on this would actually break us up. Basically, her insecurities and her self doubt have not allowed her to think that her first love is her true love...which I really believe it is. I have told her this many times, asking her why she just can't accept the happiness and the love we had. I tell her that however long down the road it takes, she's gonna regret not having what we had. And her response to that is that if she DOES realize she regrets throwing it all away, that would be FINE, because she couldn't go her whole life wondering what else is out there. Basically, this mindset of hers is something I never thought she would do. One of her closest cousins just married her highschool sweetheart. They are both 27 and they had many breaks where they dated other people and eventually ended up marrying each other. I think deep down she believs that will happen to us. So even though she broke my heart, I think deep down she feels that she can date other guys for a period of time and I will just take her back. She doesn't think there will be any consequences. Right now though, she is so set in her ways. She said how she is 20 in college and just wants to be single for a long time before even dating other guys. She keeps telling me to get over her and let go of the past. It's like she is trying to erase from her mind all the happy moments we had, just because she is so sure that this is the right move for her. I just know deep down she can't erase what we had though, and it can't be healthy to force yourself to do that. I was so extremely happy in our 9 months that in my heart it just doesn't FEEL like this can be the end, so I find myself analyzing situations of how we could end up back together. I have told her time and time again I'm not going to wait for her while she dates other guys. She has told me that I need to go out and date other girls too though. But this comes back to the point that she knows I was so in love with her, that when she realizes what a huge mistake she made, she thinks she'll just be able to get me back. As of right now, we aren't talking at all. I told her the only way I am going to get over her is to remove her from my life at this point. And she is COMPLETELY fine with that...she even agrees. It's like she's putting on such a front right now...almost trying to test me. I just don't know what to do because deep down I just feel like there is so much more left for us to do. She just didn't have faith to realize we could have been together a long time, and got really scared we were getting too serious, and here we find ourselves, not even communicating. Is there anything I can do?

 

[A-Man2151]

Do the no replies signify that I just have to move on with my life...this is the first time anything like this has happened to me...so I am just lost right now.

 

[DonGorgon]

^^ Yeh you need to move on to other women cause she moved on long ago to other men.... One thing to remember about women is that by the time they tell you something they have already made up their minds and acted on it and its too late already but they make it seam like they want to discuss it and build...

 

[The Deacon]

A-Man2151, here's something I learned about the dating game. I understand where you're coming from and where the girl's been coming from too.

She doesn't want to date only one person in her life because she wants to know if there's possibly something else out there, something even more magical than her relationship with you. Don't take that personally, though. You gotta understand that she probably still has feelings for you, but she needs to have more dating experience so she could understand what love really is. She doesn't want to just latch on to the first person she's ever seriously dated, especially if she has options.

You're probably feeling rejected, and it's only natural for you to do so. Judging from what you said, she probably still has feelings for you. IF you really love her, though, you've got to give her space. Although this isn't a DJism, it's still true:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

What it sounds like to me is that you really want to get bachelorhood over with and that you're not really willing to put in the effort to start/continue a healthy dating life. You're either doing this because you have dated a wide array of people and found her to be a great choice or you feel like you'll never have a chance with another attractive girl again so you have to suffocate this one. That's self-destructive behavior and you know it.

A-man, I'm not even completely sure that you understand what love really is. How many girls have you dated before this one? Are you in love with this girl or just quietly desperate for her because you don't think you can get anyone else? That isn't love, A-man. That's the basis for a very unfulfilling relationship.

If I was you, I'd follow what she said. Go and get your dating life back on track. Date a whole lot of girls. Be a Don Juan, but not a sleazebag. You can't guilt-trip this girl into loving you.

 

[DonGorgon]

^^ Cool how you made it sound al nice and rosey when the fact is she wants to get f'ed by many many more men while she is young and hot then when she is 45 she will let you be her only man....

 

[The Deacon]

^^ Cool how you made it sound al nice and rosey when the fact is she wants to get f'ed by many many more men while she is young and hot then when she is 45 she will let you be her only man....

In spite of learning all this DJ/PUA stuff, I still believe that there is some good in the female gender. Just not as much as I thought before I read all of this stuff and applied it to real life. Bf/gf relationships just aren't what they used to be.

 

[A-Man2151]

Thanks Deacon...your response shed light on a different view that I hadn't really given much thought to. I had just been going by the premise that since I was so happy with her, I just wanted to see where the relationship went...if nothing's broke why fix it, and obviously she didn't share the same view. As of right now, we aren't talking at all. I told her that the only way I'm going to get over her is to remove her from my routine, and she agreed that was the best for this point in time. After a certain amount of time when I feel I have successfully gotten over her, do you think it would be wise that I continue communication with her on a friendly basis? And who should be the one to initiatiate this...me or her? As you said 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. ' I don't want to be rude and completely cut off ties with her forever, so that if she ever did realize we could date again, I wouldn't want her to not be able to contact me. I guess what I'm asking is...when the time comes for us to talk again, how do I approach this new type of interaction? When we eventually do date other people, I imagine the contact would be little, if any...it wouldn't seem right to be 'checking in' on each others future relationships to see how they're going, and what our chances are of getting back together and when...

 

[Blue Phoenix]

When she backs off, you back off.

 

[The Deacon]

Thanks Deacon...your response shed light on a different view that I hadn't really given much thought to. I had just been going by the premise that since I was so happy with her, I just wanted to see where the relationship went...if nothing's broke why fix it, and obviously she didn't share the same view. As of right now, we aren't talking at all. I told her that the only way I'm going to get over her is to remove her from my routine, and she agreed that was the best for this point in time. After a certain amount of time when I feel I have successfully gotten over her, do you think it would be wise that I continue communication with her on a friendly basis? And who should be the one to initiatiate this...me or her? As you said 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. ' I don't want to be rude and completely cut off ties with her forever, so that if she ever did realize we could date again, I wouldn't want her to not be able to contact me. I guess what I'm asking is...when the time comes for us to talk again, how do I approach this new type of interaction? When we eventually do date other people, I imagine the contact would be little, if any...it wouldn't seem right to be 'checking in' on each others future relationships to see how they're going, and what our chances are of getting back together and when...

You gotta talk to her man. You gotta have one of these things people call DTRs (Define The Relationship talks)... If you haven't had one of these conversations before then it might be a little awkward. It'll be necessary though. Does she still take your calls? Call her up and ask her if she can talk. Tell her that you understand what she's saying. Hell, you can even tell her what I said. She'll definitely appreciate that you were sensitive to her feelings. Just be sincere about it. It isn't the typical DJ solution, but it will get you back communicating with her.

I gave this advice cause I used to date this one chick exclusively until she broke up with me... pretty much for the same reasons your girlfriend broke up with you. At first, I was confused cause we really liked each other, but after a while I came upon this realization. We were both young, she was the first girlfriend I ever had and I was her first boyfriend. She wanted to explore her options and I later learned that I did too. I called her up one night and we had a good talk for a couple of hours. I told her I understood that she needed space, and she appreciated that. I then asked her if we were still on speaking terms, and she said yes. You just gotta communicate this stuff verbally. Me and her still talk on the internet. We don't date anymore, and honestly I don't see it ever happening again, but she's still a really good friend.

As far as being able to rekindle the relationship, I have no really good advice I can give you by experience. Maybe some other experienced DJ on this board can help you out, and hopefully they're not just some keyboard jockey.

 

[dannyegg4575]

A-Man2151, here's something I learned about the dating game. I understand where you're coming from and where the girl's been coming from too.

She doesn't want to date only one person in her life because she wants to know if there's possibly something else out there, something even more magical than her relationship with you. Don't take that personally, though. You gotta understand that she probably still has feelings for you, but she needs to have more dating experience so she could understand what love really is. She doesn't want to just latch on to the first person she's ever seriously dated, especially if she has options.

You're probably feeling rejected, and it's only natural for you to do so. Judging from what you said, she probably still has feelings for you. IF you really love her, though, you've got to give her space. Although this isn't a DJism, it's still true:



What it sounds like to me is that you really want to get bachelorhood over with and that you're not really willing to put in the effort to start/continue a healthy dating life. You're either doing this because you have dated a wide array of people and found her to be a great choice or you feel like you'll never have a chance with another attractive girl again so you have to suffocate this one. That's self-destructive behavior and you know it.

A-man, I'm not even completely sure that you understand what love really is. How many girls have you dated before this one? Are you in love with this girl or just quietly desperate for her because you don't think you can get anyone else? That isn't love, A-man. That's the basis for a very unfulfilling relationship.

If I was you, I'd follow what she said. Go and get your dating life back on track. Date a whole lot of girls. Be a Don Juan, but not a sleazebag. You can't guilt-trip this girl into loving you.

well said.

I know that a lot of us here are bitter and angry about ex's decision. truth is, it's their choice and it's also your choice. live and learn. It's not in your hands to control someone else's life. You have to deal with that fact.

solution: let her go. worry about you now. when time comes for her to come back, IF she comes back, deal with it then. but until then, move on. you really lose nothing. At times you're going to want and check in on her... it's perfectly fine. but if you really want to move on fast, then, get her out of your life. don't look back. she has your number, she has your email... if she wants to contact you, she'll call.

i have posted before... young girls are party girls. they haven't experienced the world. they need that freedom to do so... no matter how good they try to be, they have to experience and enjoy their life, learn their mistakes before they can settle down. It doesn't matter who you are or what you did for her... it's her growing up...