Stuck....

[NewMan]

I thinking as I write this, but I really feel stuck - stuck in a relationship that I don't know if I want anymore.

I've been with her for 3.5 yrs, and although she is a good woman - she takes care of me very, very well, loves me to death and wants to marry me - I just don't know if I want to be in the relationship.

I'm not saying she's perfect - for who is? and I've noticed several things that raised red flags - one being she has a tendancy to put me down in front of people and critisize me (e.g. how I BBQ) - which I've only recently noticed, and must have crept into our relationship somehow. It's not huge, but small things - but these small things mount, and are they a sign of things to come?

It's difficult to come to a decision to move on - that maybe a flaw in my character - or perhaps a fear - what if I let her go and it's a mistake. I also feel responsible - somewhat guilty if I werew to move on... I shouldn't, but she has been very good to me, and taken care of me in a lot of ways - e.g. ensuring my health is in tact and arranging Dr. appts - taking care of my house and making appts when work on it was necessary.....

these are hard decisions - i wish it were clean cut - how do you guys make these decisions - and deal with the after effects????

 

[jophil28]

- one being she has a tendancy to put me down in front of people and critisize me (e.g. how I BBQ) - which I've only recently noticed, and must have crept into our relationship somehow. It's not huge, but small things - but these small things mount, and are they a sign of things to come?

Holy crAp ! She criticises the way that you BBQ ! BIg red flag, dude.

Down here there are three things that EVERY man does PERFECTLY (in his mind) We are perfect lovers, we are perfect drivers out on the highway and we BBQ to perfection.
Criticism of any of these by a woman is NOT TOLERATED for a second.
SO take it from a PERFECT Aussie, dump her A$$ NOW. If you don't ,she will soon be nagging and bytching on you in the bedroom and driving from the back seat...

Jophil out//

 

[romangod]

I'm not saying she's perfect - for who is? and I've noticed several things that raised red flags - one being she has a tendancy to put me down in front of people and critisize me (e.g. how I BBQ) - which I've only recently noticed, and must have crept into our relationship somehow. It's not huge, but small things - but these small things mount, and are they a sign of things to come?



Yes, I do believe they are a sign of things to come. Having said that, I think deep down you know what do.


.

 

[penkitten]

exactly how are you bbq'ing?

 

[KarmaSutra]

Brother,

You know when the time has come for you to squat and sh!t. It's unpleasant but this is akin to the feeling you get when you know it's time to break off a relationship. It's an uncomfortable tension in your gut but you still need to take care of it.

If you don't have the testicular fortitude to break up with then the option you have is to remain a miserable bastard and allow that tension to filter into every other avenue of your life.

There are no if's, what's or buts about it.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Down here there are three things that EVERY man does PERFECTLY (in his mind) We are perfect lovers, we are perfect drivers out on the highway and we BBQ to perfection.

Careful... barbeque doesn't mean the same thing here as it does in Australia.

Most Americans don't know that, either, but penkitten is about to school you all. (HINT: Barbeque and grilling are not the same thing)

 

[buccaneerlookinat60]

Two things to remember..........

I've been married for a 3+ decades, but still enjoy the game. One piece of advice that I got too late is this:
Do NOT marry a woman until you've seen her mother in a swim suit.

As soon as you marry her, usually two things will happen:
1. She will cut her hair short.
2. She will get fat, or at least plump. Fat comes post-children. Once you've been "caught,"(like a trout) there is little incentive for them to remain hot.

Children and grandchildren have their rewards though.

Speaking from first-hand experience, and years of observation,
Buc

 

[aliasguy]

I've been married for a 3+ decades, but still enjoy the game. One piece of advice that I got too late is this:
Do NOT marry a woman until you've seen her mother in a swim suit.

As soon as you marry her, usually two things will happen:
1. She will cut her hair short.
2. She will get fat, or at least plump. Fat comes post-children. Once you've been "caught,"(like a trout) there is little incentive for them to remain hot.

Children and grandchildren have their rewards though.

Speaking from first-hand experience, and years of observation,
Buc

Neither #1 nor #2 happened in EITHER of my marriages. Kids ARE our "rewards," though.

 

[Interceptor]

Woah, OK.

Well, first off, if you plan on posting regularly in the MM forums, please post your age in your profile.


Now, everything seemed pretty good until I read the part where you state that she has a tendency (recently you also added...this is very important to recognize) to 'put you down."


My first thought was........

........resentment for not having married her already.



You see, women create problems and drama where there are none.

Why?

When they're not being satisfied in some way.

My gut reaction to this..

She pissed you haven't already proposed.

And..AND........

It 'looks' like she's already pulling here emotional investment 'claws" out of you.

You know what that means?


She is already withdrawing her investment, since you're not returning.

She may already be in the "acting" phase.


There's only two choices here, dude...

IMO..

Either find the reasons you love her and find the conviction and cmmitment to marry her.

Or cut her loose.

 

[joekerr31]

I'm not saying she's perfect - for who is? and I've noticed several things that raised red flags - one being she has a tendancy to put me down in front of people and critisize me (e.g. how I BBQ) - which I've only recently noticed, and must have crept into our relationship somehow. It's not huge, but small things - but these small things mount, and are they a sign of things to come?

are you joking?

after being with someone for 3.5 years there is going to be some petty sh*t going on. it happens in almost every relationship UNLESS you stop it.

the real question here is why you don't sit her down and say 'you know, it really bothers me when you criticize me in front of other people. i'd appreciate it if you stopped it.'

if she then stops it, then what's the problem? but unless you let her know her behavior is inappropriate then she can't change it can she? she probably doesn't even realize she is doing it - perhaps her mother always criticized the way her dad bbq'd and she is subconsciously doing the same thing.

it sounds to me like this woman is loyal and caring. she doesn't sound like an attention wh*re, she doesn't sound like she tries to control you, etc. if anything, it sounds to me like she puts a lot of effort in to making your life easier.

so lets get down to brass tax here and the REAL reason you are thinking of ending this.

after 3.5 years together you know that the next step is marriage and kids. now, you may not be ready for this. as such, bailing may seem like a good idea.

but that alone is not your only problem. the REAL reason you are thinking of bailing, and i know this because its the reason 99.897% of men start thinking of bailing, is that the sex has become boring.

come on, admit it. you no longer get a thrill out of pounding the pudding out of her do you?

as such, you're sitting there thinking - ok, sex has basically become hands free masturbation and on top of it i'm going to get saddled with a marriage and kids pretty soon if i don't bail. maybe its time to bail and go out and find myself some hot piece of *ss that gets me all wild and horny again.

the real problem is that your gf, especially given how much stuff she does for you (booking yoru appointments, etc.) has become....wait for it.....wait for it....wait for it....YOUR MOTHER!

at the end of the day what all men basically want is a good f*ck from their woman. when sex becomes routine, when they aren't excited to get home and see what kind of sexual escapade they are going to have with their woman that night, they start to wonder why they are in the relationship.

this is basically the 'nice guy' dillemma but for women. lots of women will kill themselves 'mothering' their man only to get dumped on their head in the end. and they can't udnerstand why. the problem was they were a 'nice woman'. but while we use to term nice guy to mean being a doormat when it comes to men, when we use the term 'nice woman' with females what we mean is that they have become MOTHERING.

anyway, you need to sit down and figure out why you want ot leave. it may not be what i think it is. but whatever the reason, you need to identify it first.

if its something as small as she criticizes your bbq, that is easy to fix by telling her to stop doing that.

but i'll be shocked if the real reason isn't that she's become your mother and that your sex life has become routine and boring.

 

[Phyzzle]

Years ago, my father criticized my mother for they she did grocery shopping (wasn't thrifty enough). She said, "fine, from now on, you do all of it. I'm never shopping for food again." She never did. That was 25 years ago, and they're still holding up fine.

I guess you have to ask yourself a few questions. Do you ever want to marry anybody? What kind of woman would you marry, exactly, if not this one?

IMHO, if you want to live a happy life, stay with the woman who is in love with you. Why keep searching for a relationship where you need the woman more than she needs you? I've never been married, but the best relationships seem to be where the woman is the one who is enraptured emotionally, not the man.

 

[buccaneerlookinat60]

AliasGuy....

You're lucky. Very little is 100%. I spoke in generalities, but it's true in the SE USA. Believe me on the swimsuit thing tho.

 

[Phyzzle]

Basically, I'm afraid that if you ever dump her, she'll be with a new guy the following month, and then you will totally freak out and try desperately to get back the best thing you ever had, and fail. This seems to happen a lot.

On the other hand, looking at your post history, is this the severely alcoholic single mom you were dating before?

Plus, I found this quote,

I'm in a bookstore looking for something to read. Just wondering around - and she is following me. Almost smothering me. I ask her if she has any books she wants to look for and she says yes.... so I tell her to go look.... but she doesn't. She just follows me around. In the end I had to tell her - look I'm capable of finding this book on my own. Why don't you go look for what you want.....

This was two years ago, and she's still like this? Dam. Honestly, how many guys here have had an attractive, non-BPD woman who was that clingy? Not me. This is a real humm-dinger.

 

[KarmaSutra]

I would think twice about this idiot.

I've been married for a 3+ decades, but still enjoy the game. One piece of advice that I got too late is this:
Do NOT marry a woman until you've seen her mother in a swim suit.

As soon as you marry her, usually two things will happen:
1. She will cut her hair short.
2. She will get fat, or at least plump. Fat comes post-children. Once you've been "caught,"(like a trout) there is little incentive for them to remain hot.

Children and grandchildren have their rewards though.

Speaking from first-hand experience, and years of observation,
Buc

I'd be wary taking advice from an old married guy who falls in love with and then suffers from extreme ONE-itis from a slvt he met on Adult Friend Finder. Your marriage/relationship is on par with advice I'd take from that horse faced cvnt Ann Coulter or that douche who wrote the Mars and Venus books.

 

[NewMan]

I'm 36.

I left the lid of the bbq open - slow cooking tri tip, I like the smell of it to linger - and apparently she thought that was 'nasty' - and the same other things - 'no one cooks *insert here* that way'.......

I told here something sensitive about a family member of mine, and she proceeded to tell them - I just found that out, and that was a big red flag.

The sex is great - and there are no problens there.

yes, this is the same woman that had a drinking problem, which she rectified when I approached her on it.

I've told her that her comments bother me and she needs to stop.... her comment is that I'm being to sensitive. I don't consider myself sensitive, and open criticism in front of my family and friends is not acceptable.

I'm about to talk to her tonight - and see what happens.

 

[penkitten]

I'm 36.

I left the lid of the bbq open - slow cooking tri tip, I like the smell of it to linger - and apparently she thought that was 'nasty' - and the same other things - 'no one cooks *insert here* that way'.......

well, im from the deep south, and we have been known to cook on bbq pits that have no freggin tops at all. it doesnt hurt anything.
sure, if you want to smoke your ribs or chicken, you need to close the top...makes them all tender... but i cook stuff on my back yard grill and leave the top open sometimes. who cares right?
i just stack the meat in a pyramid and cook them low and slow.

 

[aliasguy]

are you joking?

after being with someone for 3.5 years there is going to be some petty sh*t going on. it happens in almost every relationship UNLESS you stop it.

the real question here is why you don't sit her down and say 'you know, it really bothers me when you criticize me in front of other people. i'd appreciate it if you stopped it.'

if she then stops it, then what's the problem? but unless you let her know her behavior is inappropriate then she can't change it can she? she probably doesn't even realize she is doing it - perhaps her mother always criticized the way her dad bbq'd and she is subconsciously doing the same thing.

it sounds to me like this woman is loyal and caring. she doesn't sound like an attention wh*re, she doesn't sound like she tries to control you, etc. if anything, it sounds to me like she puts a lot of effort in to making your life easier.

so lets get down to brass tax here and the REAL reason you are thinking of ending this.

after 3.5 years together you know that the next step is marriage and kids. now, you may not be ready for this. as such, bailing may seem like a good idea.

but that alone is not your only problem. the REAL reason you are thinking of bailing, and i know this because its the reason 99.897% of men start thinking of bailing, is that the sex has become boring.

come on, admit it. you no longer get a thrill out of pounding the pudding out of her do you?

as such, you're sitting there thinking - ok, sex has basically become hands free masturbation and on top of it i'm going to get saddled with a marriage and kids pretty soon if i don't bail. maybe its time to bail and go out and find myself some hot piece of *ss that gets me all wild and horny again.

the real problem is that your gf, especially given how much stuff she does for you (booking yoru appointments, etc.) has become....wait for it.....wait for it....wait for it....YOUR MOTHER!

at the end of the day what all men basically want is a good f*ck from their woman. when sex becomes routine, when they aren't excited to get home and see what kind of sexual escapade they are going to have with their woman that night, they start to wonder why they are in the relationship.

this is basically the 'nice guy' dillemma but for women. lots of women will kill themselves 'mothering' their man only to get dumped on their head in the end. and they can't udnerstand why. the problem was they were a 'nice woman'. but while we use to term nice guy to mean being a doormat when it comes to men, when we use the term 'nice woman' with females what we mean is that they have become MOTHERING.

anyway, you need to sit down and figure out why you want ot leave. it may not be what i think it is. but whatever the reason, you need to identify it first.

if its something as small as she criticizes your bbq, that is easy to fix by telling her to stop doing that.

but i'll be shocked if the real reason isn't that she's become your mother and that your sex life has become routine and boring.

I forgot, joekerr. Have you ever been married?

 

[buccaneerlookinat60]

Karma........you're big, bald, and hungry

Thousands of posts in a couple of years. The guy needs some advice, so you attack me. You are pitiful. You spend so much time in front of your screen visiting Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters, while I'm out and about playing the game. You are so genetically depleted and such a waste of protoplasm, it's funny as hell.
If you ever get laid, let everybody know. We'll all rejoice in your good fortune.

 

[NewMan]

This was two years ago, and she's still like this? Dam. Honestly, how many guys here have had an attractive, non-BPD woman who was that clingy? Not me. This is a real humm-dinger.

can you explain....

 

[KarmaSutra]

Thousands of posts in a couple of years. The guy needs some advice, so you attack me. You are pitiful. You spend so much time in front of your screen visiting Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters, while I'm out and about playing the game. You are so genetically depleted and such a waste of protoplasm, it's funny as hell.
If you ever get laid, let everybody know. We'll all rejoice in your good fortune.

But I don't suffer from ONE-itis from a slvt on AFF. Ask your wife how the mailman's d!ck tastes while you're out "playing the game" (which I suspect is shuffleboard or B.I.N.G.O. you full of sh!t geezer).

If the advice you gave would be warranted and in good stead I wouldn't question it but all you've done is put an "I'm an old attention seeking crabass" sticker on your chest.

Why don't you re-read your own c0ck and bullsh!t then try again:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=135509