Stuck With Oneitis At Work

[DharmaBear]

Hey Don Juans, this is my first post ever on the boards.

Just want to start by saying I've read the DJ Bible, and I'm slowly (but surely!) starting to incorporate these principles into my life. I can tell it's going to be a long process, but I know I'll be a better man and Don Juan for it.

Anyhow, quick background story and question: I developed a pretty bad case of oneities with this girl that started in my office about nine months ago. At first we hit it off, but this was during my pre-sosuave days, so in hindsight I think I was a little (or a lot!) AFC-ish.

Anyhow, she eventually rebuffed my attempts at moving things forward from friends/good work acquantances up to dating.

I know from reading these boards, the articles, and DJ Bible that I need to NEXT her - I'm certain of this - but it's very difficult when working in the same office as her (it's a small office with only 20 workers). I create as much distance as I can, but work-related projects prevent total separation. And, though I keep the convo as casual as possible now, she still occasionaly throws out mixed signals that mess with my head.

My question: Any DJ's here have some advice/tips as to how one might best deal with feelings of oneitis when forced to see and talk to the object of oneitis everyday?!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you have. Glad to be on the boards!


-Dharma

 

[strong like bull]

first and foremost, the majority will tell you to stay away from co-worker relationships. it can cause a lot of stress that you dont need, considering how many other women exist. i say use your best judgement. my current gf is a co-worker; its cool for us but it might not fit your situation.

in my opinion, it would be a great idea to pursue other women before her. you need to get rid of the one-itus, ASAP. chasing other women around town will take your mind off of her. this will relax you and put you in the right state of mind. you wont really care how she reacts to your advances, because youre the man and have 5 girls on the side.

catch my drift?

 

[DharmaBear]

Thanks for your advice; it's very helpful.

My issue, really, much more than finding other girls to date (which helps alleviate the oneities) is that regardless, I have to deal with her all the time. I'm forced to. If I had a choice, I'd just walk away. But the constant stimulation of seeing and talking to her is what sucks.

I wonder how many guys have this same problem - not just at work, but in any situation where they're stuck on some girl but have no choice but to deal with her all the time.

That's where I'm hoping to get some pointers; besides dating other girls, how can I better and more effectively deal when she's there all the time!

 

[MindOverMatter]

This is how I see it.

You have a disease right now. There is a cure for it, but it makes you uncomfortable because it comes in the form of a needle. Since you're afraid of the needle, you're looking for another way, another type of cure. In the meantime the disease is eating you alive, and you're making it worse.

Lets face the facts, SHE TURNED YOU DOWN. She wasn't interested in pursuing anything then a friendly / professional work relationship. Which is SMART on her part, this girl knows that it's dumb to get involved with someone at work, because if it doesn't work out, you have to see them EVERY DAY. You don't sh!t where you eat.

Now let me ask you, why do you wanna be with someone who turned you down? She rejected you, she thought you weren't good for her, and yet you still want her. Where is your pride? There are billions of women on this planet, and you're destroying your own dignity just for one of them, who prolly isn't even that good looking. Maybe in your office environment full of Dilbert looking motherfvckers she is the best thing around, but if you take her out of that small microcosm and put her in an environment full of beautiful women, you prolly wouldn't even notice her.

There is no better cure then dating other girls, so stop looking for it. If you were with another girl (or girls), you'd see the bigger picture and forget about your oneitis. Right now your physical and mental needs are not fulfilled, and you're looking for somebody to fullfill them for you, and this oneitis is your best (at least in your head) option. What you don't realize is that if you were to date and sleep with other girls, all your needs would be fullfilled, and you wouldn't give a flying sh!t about this girl. She's nothing special. She's eats, sleeps, and sh!ts just like you and me.

So stop looking for a miracle cure, and just take the damn needle.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

The easiest way is to go and get a number off another girl, that simply is a sure fire way to ease emotions developing with one girl.

If you're only emotionally attached to one girl then you're bound to develop oneitus, because subconciously you think it's your best shot at a relationship.

 

[DharmaBear]

Thanks guys. This stuff is great. Since I've been reading the board and the DJ Bible, this stuff is nothing new. But, I guess sometimes it takes someone to slap you in the face with some cold water to really wake up.

It's a process too, I think. I've met other girls, gotten numbers, etc., but as MindOverMatter said, I'm still looking for fulfillment in this one particular girl. It's gotta stop.

One question: Since there are times I'm forced to deal with her with work projects, should I just keep complete cool? Since the last time she shut me down, and it's been a little while, I've been trying to be cool to her, but then she'll suddenly throw out some interest signs out of left field that really F-'s with my head and makes me act differently. Basically, what's the best overall DJ attitude to have while at the office with her to keep her at bay?

-Dharma

 

[jakeyboy]

dang. it must be tough on you to face this girl every working day. i'd seriously detest this situation. you've got to get this girl out of your mind or at least accept the fact that her interest level in you now is at an all time low.. i'm gonna teach you how to do that, or at least what worked for me in the past modified for your situation. i had a real bad case of oneitis for this HB7 after our break up and i simply could not get her out of my head.

don't treat her any differently. treat her as if nothing has ever happened, that you didnt make a fool of yourself by professing your undying love for her. any other pretty co-workers? basically start flirting with all the female co-workers, being ****y and funny.. you can read the bible for examples... and treat her like how you're treating everyone else. you have fun and actually forget that you like this one girl, because basically the other female co-workers will be responding to you warmly (if you do it correctly) and this gains you utmost confidence. because you realize that there are many other women out there willing to be with you even though you got rejected by one. for one day, try this. forget that you like her. forget about ever having a relationship with her. then flirt with her like you would do with everyone else you're not thinking of having a romantic relationship with. do you feel much more relieved? does it seem easier to talk to her and joke around? because you see no matter what you say, you don't ahve to worry about the outcome good or bad. just catch yourself up in the moment and enjoy it!

and one more thing, never ever mention anything about becoming more than friends from now onwards. you've got to show her that you've got an exciting life... with or without her.

hang out in some clubs or quiet bars and since you've been reading up the bible, perhaps you can put the information to good use. go read pook's anti-dump machine. its great. teaches you to cultivate the true attitude of a don juan. and once you have, you'll never have to worry about catching oneitis again

all the best with the DJing. hope this bit of info has been helpful to you.

 

[squirrels]

Just be friends with her. NEXT doesn't mean a complete break of contact. It just means your romantic interest for her ends.

But how do you do this when you see her every day? Channel your romantic/sexual drives toward other women.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

but then she'll suddenly throw out some interest signs out of left field that really F-'s with my head and makes me act differently.

If you're absolutely sure she's doing that then I'd not even be freinds with her.

I had exactly the same thing a while back.

Basically girls enjoy being the subject of infatuation. By throwing out the odd sign it's enough to keep you infatuated with her and therefore she still has the love sick puppy following her about.

Be absolutely sure she's doing this delibrately though.

 

[onahigh]

There is a lot of good advice here, Dharma. I agree with jakeyboy, you must treat her like how you're treating everyone else.

What kind of mixed signals is she sending you? If you are sensing such signals, it is very likely that she thinks you are good boyfriend material but...forget about her! She rejected you. She must have her own reasons for doing so.

Someday the right girl will come along.

 

[DJDamage]

Don't DO IT!!! I knew this girl at work who I was good friends with and I had oneitis bad for her and we started dating and making out heavily and I thought my dreams can true. She was HB8.5 funny pretty, wholesome everything you wanted in a LTR/wife (if you wanted head that direction)

Until 2 months after she informs me that she didn't think we were together "just having a good time" and she told me she was seeing some other guy from work...............Not only did my heart was broken and I was devestated, I had to put up with the possibility of seeing them both together laughing and having a good time at work... I never knew who it was so can you imagine every male co worker you see all of the sudden become a prime suspect??

Its gets to you and it hurts every time! the advantage of breaking up with a girl that you don't work with is that once its over, you won't be seeing her again and don't have to put up with this crap.

 

[DharmaBear]

Seriously - I can't begin to tell you guys how much this advice has helped.

At work today, I completely ignored the girl unless I had to talk to her for some reason, which happened only once and briefly. I believe she missed the attention, cuz at one point late in the day she came over to my desk to ask some silly question that she didn't need to ask or even come all the way over to see me for. I gave her a one-word answer (with a smile - I don't want to be a jerk about it, I just don't want to deal with her) and she just looked at me funny and walked away. I caught her walking by my desk a few times after that sort of just flaunting, sorta like a peacock spreading its feathers to get attention. I didn't budge. I felt so good and confident.

DJ Damage, it's funny about your story, cuz similarly there was this guy she liked at work - who started very shortly after I was an AFC chump with her - and unlike with me she made it REAL vocal that she liked this guy. We're all pretty sure it didn't get that far; he quit after a few weeks and moved to the other side of the country. Still, she likes to talk about him a lot, and was laying it on thick today. Those were the only moments I hurt from oneitis, but overall I did pretty well thanks to you guys.

If you guys think I should have done something different, or did what I did do better, please advise.

I'm sold on this website now, and the DJ Bible. I think it's time to start the Bootcamp!

-Dharma