Grinderman
Banned
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2021
- Messages
- 280
- Reaction score
- 301
What is "rudeness"?
A suggested definition : The perception of rudeness appears when there is a disparity between expected behavior and received behavior"
Which part is within one's control and which part is outside one's control. Cleary what one expects is within one's control; what one receives is in the lap of the Gods"
Epictetus
(start quote) Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.
Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.
Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, "You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be." And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first, and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. (end quote)
So really it is my own expectations regarding the perceived rudeness that gets to me rather than the received rudeness itself? Yes! This should be good news as one's expectations are within one's control. "Never try teach a pig to sing, it will waste your time and irritate the pig". It would be an exercise in futility to expect the pig to break out in song therefore wouldn't it? Yes!
Marcus Aurelius
(quote) Begin each day by telling yourself: today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness—all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.
But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow-creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. (end quote)
this would alter one's expectations to be more in line with reality.
What about when someone disrespects me? Firstly, you must train yourself to stop evaluating every interaction on a personal level. Viewing things through the lens of a personal evaluation , ie do they like me, do the dislike me, do they think I am attractive, do they think I am ugly, do they think I am buff (You are projecting there my young Dorian Gray!) obfuscates one's objective lens and distorts one's perceptions. Train your mind to look outward at the interaction and observe the others' intentions and motivations. Observe their body language and gestures, like a chess master observing your opponent. Like David Attenborough observing wildlife. Like an anthropologist be intrigued by your subject, rather than evaluating their actions towards you on a personal level. This will push you into your emotions. Push you off balance. Push you into your feelings. You will lose all objectivity.
It's not the perceived disrespect that upsets you. But the judgement and importance you have placed upon it and how it effects you on a personal level.
Epictetus
Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things. Death, for instance, is not terrible, else it would have appeared so to Socrates. But the terror consists in our notion of death that it is terrible. When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles. An uninstructed person will lay the fault of his own bad condition upon others. Someone just starting instruction will lay the fault on himself. Some who is perfectly instructed will place blame neither on others nor on himself.
A suggested definition : The perception of rudeness appears when there is a disparity between expected behavior and received behavior"
Which part is within one's control and which part is outside one's control. Cleary what one expects is within one's control; what one receives is in the lap of the Gods"
Epictetus
(start quote) Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.
Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.
Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, "You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be." And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first, and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. (end quote)
So really it is my own expectations regarding the perceived rudeness that gets to me rather than the received rudeness itself? Yes! This should be good news as one's expectations are within one's control. "Never try teach a pig to sing, it will waste your time and irritate the pig". It would be an exercise in futility to expect the pig to break out in song therefore wouldn't it? Yes!
Marcus Aurelius
(quote) Begin each day by telling yourself: today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness—all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.
But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow-creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. (end quote)
this would alter one's expectations to be more in line with reality.
What about when someone disrespects me? Firstly, you must train yourself to stop evaluating every interaction on a personal level. Viewing things through the lens of a personal evaluation , ie do they like me, do the dislike me, do they think I am attractive, do they think I am ugly, do they think I am buff (You are projecting there my young Dorian Gray!) obfuscates one's objective lens and distorts one's perceptions. Train your mind to look outward at the interaction and observe the others' intentions and motivations. Observe their body language and gestures, like a chess master observing your opponent. Like David Attenborough observing wildlife. Like an anthropologist be intrigued by your subject, rather than evaluating their actions towards you on a personal level. This will push you into your emotions. Push you off balance. Push you into your feelings. You will lose all objectivity.
It's not the perceived disrespect that upsets you. But the judgement and importance you have placed upon it and how it effects you on a personal level.
Epictetus
Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things. Death, for instance, is not terrible, else it would have appeared so to Socrates. But the terror consists in our notion of death that it is terrible. When therefore we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves; that is, to our own principles. An uninstructed person will lay the fault of his own bad condition upon others. Someone just starting instruction will lay the fault on himself. Some who is perfectly instructed will place blame neither on others nor on himself.
