Still struggling to approach

[Agent Zero]

I wanted to do some "Are you single" approaches today, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I think I'm afraid of appearing desperate. The first time I was sitting outside on campus eating a snack before I was gonna go approach, but then I see this hottie walking towards me. It's like a wide open area so I noticed her about 50 feet away. So she passes me and I just couldn't stop her. It was perfect too cause nobody else was around, but I hadn't though of approaching while I was sitting down before cause then if I **** up I am stuck there, but I know that is irrational.

Second one, I was walking down the sidewalk and this other girl is coming on the perpendicular sidewalk. By the time I got to the intersection, she was about 10 feet away. I could have turned and talked to her easily from those 10 feet, but I didn't want to appear desperate by going out of my way (just 10 feet!) to talk to her.

Does anybody have any help for getting over this fear or can identify what is holding me back?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

..Does anybody have any help for getting over this fear or can identify what is holding me back?

Use something less intimidating than "Are you single?"

 

[lyamdb]

Remember that you're not approaching her to make her like you or to give you her #. At this stage, your only goal is just to get accustomed to talking to stranger girls. If you see a girl and you know you'll never see her again in your life, then it won't matter if you appear stupid and awkward. and you know what? you probabely WILL appear awkward and unexperienced. but don't mind it.don't expect yourself to make a decent approach. Anything good that comes after "hi" is a bonus. Remember that Mystery said "It takes about 500 approaches to get a hang of the things." now I don't care who Mystery really is. I don't even know if he ever existed! But that quotation is right.

 

[Rata Blanca]

Why don't you use "I'm desperate and looking for a mate" as opener instead?
Seriously change your opener, "Hey" works pretty good.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Right, but the are you single opener works great if you say - there is this friend of mind who is looking for a girl, he's charming, hot, and the real deal and he sent me scouting for him. Would you be interested? Then you proceed -- leaving hints, that this person could be you - and keep her guessing.

That way you dont initially appear desperate - but even if you do - who gives a crap anyway - people on here need to be good at practising approaches and approaching this at an angle such as 'I'm going to learn something today' - or 'each approach I do is one approach less to getting the hang of it and actually scoring', that's the right way to see it.

If you randomly ask girls out to have sex, then out of a number of them (including some rude responses, slaps on the face, or potentially getting into trouble with the law), eventually one crazy girl out there will actually go for it - so it's all a number's game anyway - and women see the courage you have when you approach, and that's what counts.

 

[Microphone Fiend]

if you are afraid of coming across desperate... i think that makes you desperate.

Just throw yourself into the water man, dont wade in slowly and draw out the process of your body gettin acclimated

 

[Max Power]

Think of it like a video game.

If you get past level one move to level 2

If you get rejected, put another quarter in and start again.

 

[shortstop22]

I really think there is too much thought put in into approaching women. It took me a year to realize that they are much more intimidated of me than I am of them. A simple confident smile and a "Hi" will make the most attractive gals blush.

Seriously man, a "Hey how are you?" and a smile is the best way to open a conversation, then go into something like "This may be a little random, but I think you are possibly one of the most attractive women I have ever seen....etc etc." or if she's real receptive to the conversation just keep talking.

Just go with your gut, the more you listen to that the better off you'll be.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
Just go with your gut, the more you listen to that the better off you'll be.

I was right with 'ya until this point. The problem is that most guys have so much crap floating around their gut, they regurgitate some immensely heinous sh1t when they approach. They need to take some Pepto and let things settle down a bit, then focus on having a natural conversation with a woman. That would mean that they would need to understand 'natural.'

 

[Luke Skywalker]

I really think there is too much thought put in into approaching women. It took me a year to realize that they are much more intimidated of me than I am of them. A simple confident smile and a "Hi" will make the most attractive gals blush.

But that's the problem. You are worried that she'll sort of be scared and uptight or just stare blank faced at what kind of a desperate nut you are which is part and parcel of the anxiety of approaching.

I'm always worried a girl I'm approaching is not going to get what I'm saying and will just freak out or something.

 

[Quertyuiopasd]

The problem is that people seem to care too much about what other people think, and even people that they are most likely never going to see again their entire lives!

'Hi, are you single?' is an awful approach, and isn't going to get you anywhere. It immediately suggests that you are needy and clingy and just plain desperate. One of the most important things to do is not to appear desperate. The way to do this is to simply stop treating yourself as being on a lower level that the girl you are persuing. It is you that should be on the pedestal, and choosing exactly what you want. So what if a girl shoots you down, who cares. Just go for it anyway, and remember to always have confidence in yourself.

 

[shortstop22]

I was right with 'ya until this point. The problem is that most guys have so much crap floating around their gut, they regurgitate some immensely heinous sh1t when they approach. They need to take some Pepto and let things settle down a bit, then focus on having a natural conversation with a woman. That would mean that they would need to understand 'natural.'

I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately that is the uphill battle. Our society has conformed to putting women on the pedastal. (It's frustrating as hell too.) It's amazing going out and seeing schmucks spend 80 dollars on drinks for a woman....only to walk away with nothing but a "thank you" at the end of the night.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately that is the uphill battle. Our society has conformed to putting women on the pedastal. (It's frustrating as hell too.) It's amazing going out and seeing schmucks spend 80 dollars on drinks for a woman....only to walk away with nothing but a "thank you" at the end of the night.

Society could be blamed but when it comes down to it guy without the cajones to buck society's belief will never be any more successful than the average guy. There's a good thread recently posted about mediocrity which points out the fallacy of following the norm. Lemmings should figure out a quicker way to their demise; it will never happen since they're waiting on someone else to do it first.

 

[mxylplk]

Yes, simply saying "hi" or any of the variation is always a good opener since it doesn't convey desparation or a pick up line. I know your nerves may be playing against you when you take the opportunity. Use that chance as a means to simply get use to the feeling of communicating with girls, nothing more. Don't look at approaching "The girl" as the one who, in your mind, might change your life forever and if she doesn't respond to your hello, that your life is over. This will ease any worry about the approach. And don't compare yourself to others. Don't seek anything from her in return, ie, phone number, etc..though if the conversation is going great, it doesn't hurt to ask. But simply aim for getting a dialogue going even if it's for a minute or two.

If you have a hard time knowing what else to say after "hello," study a bit about what this site has to offer to help. Then, in a Yoda-like way, unlearn what you have learned so that when the opportunity strikes again, it doesn't come out rehearsed or all tangled in your head. Instead, you'll be calm mentally and prepared physically.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

I wanted to do some "Are you single" approaches today, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I think I'm afraid of appearing desperate. The first time I was sitting outside on campus eating a snack before I was gonna go approach, but then I see this hottie walking towards me. It's like a wide open area so I noticed her about 50 feet away. So she passes me and I just couldn't stop her. It was perfect too cause nobody else was around, but I hadn't though of approaching while I was sitting down before cause then if I **** up I am stuck there, but I know that is irrational.

Second one, I was walking down the sidewalk and this other girl is coming on the perpendicular sidewalk. By the time I got to the intersection, she was about 10 feet away. I could have turned and talked to her easily from those 10 feet, but I didn't want to appear desperate by going out of my way (just 10 feet!) to talk to her.

Does anybody have any help for getting over this fear or can identify what is holding me back?

I know exactly what is holding you back, you have the fear that you will be perceived as being clingy and that u appear desperate.

I think the "Are you single?" opener wouldn't suit you...it is too weak of an opening, because most women will say they aren't, even though more often that not....they are. Its all number's game.

I think a stronger, more meaningful, direct opener will work for you.
An ILY opener. This conveys that u are very confident, not desperate and not needy because ur going for what u want...in a calm, self assured manner, and all u want to do is find out who she is. It is ballsy, i know...i was pretty intimidated for using it at first, but u'd be surprised at the responses you will get....as ur actually being meaningful with why u want to get to know her.

Think of it like a video game.

If you get past level one move to level 2

If you get rejected, put another quarter in and start again.

Like an RPG, yea...at first ur a low level and inexperienced....but as u gain levels, u become stronger.

if you are afraid of coming across desperate... i think that makes you desperate.

Just throw yourself into the water man, dont wade in slowly and draw out the process of your body gettin acclimated

MF...u got a very good point. Got to go in the game, even knowing ur fears. U aren't appearing desperate at all, Agent Zero, the females will most likely be attracted to ur confidence.

Don't let those females you want pass you by due to your mind holding back your true strength and nature. You got a good advantage man, ur a tall, dark, and handsome guy....remember that when ur in the field! If you want some more advice of ILY game....hit me up PM...its what im working on right now and i think it can definitely suit you.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

If you have a hard time knowing what else to say after "hello," study a bit about what this site has to offer to help. Then, in a Yoda-like way, unlearn what you have learned so that when the opportunity strikes again, it doesn't come out rehearsed or all tangled in your head. Instead, you'll be calm mentally and prepared physically.

good point dude. A hi can also work.

But after the opening, a good thing to transition to is a compliment about her, u know what u find appealing about her from first contact, or a question, like "Where u off to in a hot day like this? " something like that. Also, yea....ur goal right now is just to reduce the nervousness of interacting with a female...cold..so u don't put too much pressure on urself mentally(it can happen if u too scared)..after ur nervousness is reduced enough, then to pick her up....but if u feel she's receptive while ur nervous...course choose the latter. Good luck my man

 

[Agent Zero]

Thanks, as always, DonJose! I'm gonna try to get some results this week.

 

[intel123]

bro fuk the girls! you can do it trust me just say hi . if she doesnt say nothing then at least you tried 3 fear it **** it do it . i think how it goes. go up to her with out : thinking : cause when you think you wory to much walk to her whisper some **** in her ear, be a pimp be smooth about it . do it dont be scared there not going to bite .

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

no prob, glad i met ya in the first place dude

 

[Luke Skywalker]

The problem with 'hi' in my experience is sometimes you need a bit more to get someone's attention in either a positive or negative response or have some impact. Seriously if you cough up a hi, guess what, you will be ignored, the girl probably wont even hear it - the lack of confidence and fear of approaching will just reak out.

Saying something like, 'excuse me, can I tell you something, ask you something, your opinion of something, I noticed something about you' are more like stronger openers / approaches. If you do approach, and say 'hi' or or 'excuse me, etc...' then it's a good idea to touch the girl on the shoulder.

I think just getting attention on the first place is difficult enough, and if you just have a hi or some weak opener in an insecure tone the 'hi' will probably just dissappear in the air before it reaches her ears.