Still hung up on ex: Help!

[CONAN]

Hi,
You want her because you cant have her!
I hope the father of her child, comes home and kicks your ass
Down the street.
Sorry but your attitude stinks.
Regards

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by CONAN
Hi,
You want her because you cant have her!
I hope the father of her child, comes home and kicks your ass
Down the street.
Sorry but your attitude stinks.
Regards

I know my attitude stinks, but at least I'm doing something to try and fix it. It's better than:
a) Staying home and moping. Did that for 7 months after our breakup. It was a necessary phase at the time, but doesn't solve the problem.
b) Pretending it doesn't bother me and I don't care. Yeah, right.
c) "Forget her and move on". I've been trying for 4 years, and it hasn't worked yet. My patience is wearing thin. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

I don't know what's with the hating from you... If the guy tried to kick my ass for talking to her, that would be a really dumb move on his part. She hates jealous/possessive guys, I'm sure she told him too. Anyway, knowing her (she has a really high libido) I'm far from convinced she's being a sweet faithful little girlfriend while he's away all week... I'm sure he's a really nice guy. Too nice, that's why he's in this mess. I feel sorry for him, but I'm certainly not laughing. 5 years ago I would have done exactly what he's doing now.

The DJ method of getting over an ex may work for most people in most situations, but it hasn't helped me with this one. No technique works on everyone all the time. Like C&F for example. It works on most women, but not all women. Some see it as childish and immature. The "good girl" type, especially if they're over 35. If I'd tried C&F on my last girlfriend, she would have thought I was an idiot, and never would have dated me (she's 51, and a 100% pure good girl).

Maybe you're not really getting the angle I'm coming from with this, or what my intentions really are. You had to have been at our breakup to understand, it's the way it happened that's the cause of my whole problem with her.

So here's where I'm coming from... When she dumped me, she did it in the cruelest and most painful (for me) way she could manage. She basically threw at me all the hurt and frustration that she'd accumulated during her entire life, and she's had a tough and miserable life. I was an emotional wreck for 7 months. She hurt me so bad that for years afterwards, I panicked at the thought of running into her. It happened twice, and both times the pain came right back for days. When we broke up, she cut off all communication instantly and went into "hate mode". So I had no opportunity for closure (I'm sure the women on the board follow that last bit). That's the down side. The up side is that the relationship I had with her was the most intense and passionate one I've had in my life.

When I started this thread a month ago, my thoughts were that I needed (desperately) to get some passion. I'm a passion addict, I admit it. I'd just put an end to a 3 1/2 year relationship mainly because there was none in it. I tried to inject some into the relationship for all that time, and failed; I was starved for the feeling. So being newly single and starved for passion for 4 years, who do I start thinking about? Yep, you guessed it. My original plan was to accomplish one of two things:
a) Get back with her and get that intense passion back.
b) Fail getting her back while giving it my best shot using the proper approach. Which proves beyond reasonable doubt that it has nothing to do with me or my behavior, and that I'm not afraid of her anymore. I get my closure; then I can move on and find what I need elsewhere, without having this irritating "what if" cloud hanging over me.

Except I since realized that I don't want her. What I do want is that passion again. I've had it with other women, just not as intensely. But I'm sure it's possible. This ex has some great qualities, I'm not going to be an a$$hole and deny it. But she also has some major issues which outweigh her good side, she's a borderline nut-case. I don't want to have to deal with that. So now, my intention is plan B. Except that I'm not going to try to get her back, all I want is to talk to her to get my closure and to rid myself of my "fear" doubt. I don't think I'm afraid of her anymore, but I want proof. So my unorthodox un-DJ solution to my problem is "face her and move on".

I'll probably do it next week. I'll keep you guys posted on how it went.

 

[Rahul]

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
Come on guys... Is Starman the only one here who wants to help me get creamed?

Hello.... Anyone?....

Or have I stepped into DJ-tabooland? Broken one of the commandments of Suave... "Thou shall not attempt to seduce thou ex"

I'm looking for stories from anyone who's attempted this. How they went about it. What happened...

And alternate ideas for initial approach. I want options.

I think from what it sounds like you have a LONG ways to go before you become a master don juan. Because if you were you would have tons of other chicks to choose from that are at a much higher calibre than your ex. It seems like your dating experiance is also limited, if you went out with more people you would probably realize that there are tons of people that you could have really good chemistry with.

 

[iqqi]

she has 6 kids? um....

what i think is happening is that you are panicking, and only you know why that is. and just so ya know, that is the bigger issue here, BTW. anyhoo, so you are clinging to someone who is unavailable to you. you are putting all of your ideas and dreams into her, and therefor noone else will compare right now anyways.

you are in love with the IDEA of her, but get this, it isn't even the idea of HER, because they are YOUR fantasy ideas. they probaly don't even apply to her in real life.

so fcuk it. go see her, and allow her to dash all over your dreams and ideas of her. maybe it is the only way. but keep your eyes wide open so that you don't lie to yourself about what she really is.

 

[Futurologist]

What sort of "closure" are you looking for?

I've found that when people say the need closure from a past relationship, it's just another way of them wanting to feel like they didn't actually do the wrong they think they caused.

In your case, ZeeOwl, I'm wondering how much of the hurt and blame she inevitably dumped on you still lingers. From what you describe about her, she doesn't sound like she'll give you the answers you're looking for.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that I don't agree with a lot of the stuff that is said on this board. If you want to get back with this woman then go for it. No real reason to even try to woo her back, don't play any games, you already know her. I would simply call her up and say something along the lines of, "Hello <name>, I've been thinking about you some and I would like to get together."
Just tell this lady how you feel, be firm in your words, but there is no reason to be harsh or soft with them.
Go after the woman since she is all you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone back. Make your decision on what you want to do and do it.

 

[ZeeOwl]

I wish I could change the title of this thread!

Originally posted by Rahul
I think from what it sounds like you have a LONG ways to go before you become a master don juan. Because if you were you would have tons of other chicks to choose from that are at a much higher calibre than your ex. It seems like your dating experiance is also limited, if you went out with more people you would probably realize that there are tons of people that you could have really good chemistry with.

I totally agree with you. I do have a long way to go before reaching that level. Truthfully, I'm not even sure if I want to reach that level. I'd be content with just being able to gets dates with decent women on a regular basis. At the moment, I don't even consider myself Junior DJ, still RAFC. But I'm working on it and things are improving noticeably. The post CONAN replied to is an old one, from about a month ago. So is the one you replied to. Things have evolved since then. I had a BAFC relapse. I'm feeling much better now. Read my latest post (09-24-2003), that's where I am now. It's true that my dating experience is limited, I'm working on fixing that. Over the last 3 months, I've met several ladies, 2 just this week. None that I've really felt any chemistry with, but's that's OK, there are more fish in the sea. I no longer have any intention of even trying to get back with this ex. Firstly, she has a boyfriend and just had a kid with him. I wouldn't try and break that up. Not that I think it will last, knowing her track record, I doubt they will make it to the 1 year mark. She'll dump him like she did all the other's, she's unstable. But that's her problem and none of my business. I just feel sorry for the guy, and especially for the kid, who'll likely end up as messed up as her mother (her 2 oldest were well on their way, I was there).

Originally posted by iqqi
she has 6 kids? um....

Yep, just had a 6th one with her latest bf (the 5 others are from 4 other guys). And if I hadn't gotten my sorry BAFC a$$ dumped, that would likely be 7.

what i think is happening is that you are panicking, and only you know why that is. and just so ya know, that is the bigger issue here, BTW. anyhoo, so you are clinging to someone who is unavailable to you. you are putting all of your ideas and dreams into her, and therefor noone else will compare right now anyways.

you are in love with the IDEA of her, but get this, it isn't even the idea of HER, because they are YOUR fantasy ideas. they probaly don't even apply to her in real life.

Exactly, I panicked. I know why... I had just put an end to a 3 1/2 year relationship mainly because there was no passion. I was starved for it. With this ex, I'd had incredible passion. And I thought I'd never find anything that powerful with anyone else again. That may be true, but at the moment, I don't care anymore. Because I realize that I was trying to downplay her bad side. And unfortunately, it's huge. She has some great qualities, but she has more and much bigger faults. The passion isn't worth the pain. And like you said, she isn't available. But even if she was, I still realize that getting back with her would be emotional suicide.

so fcuk it. go see her, and allow her to dash all over your dreams and ideas of her. maybe it is the only way. but keep your eyes wide open so that you don't lie to yourself about what she really is.

That's an interesting angle that I hadn't thought about. When I started this thread, I had convinced myself that since I'd matured quite a bit and understood a lot more about male/female relationships in the 5 years since I was with her, that she must have also evolved. She's an intelligent woman, and turned 40 last year, so I'd assumed that those things would have changed her. That convo with her dad pretty much sealed the deal as to "dashing my dreams" about her. She's still up to her old nutty antics. She latches on to a guy she thinks has LTR potential by getting herself pregnant, and then dumps him because she's not emotionally mature enough to handle a LTR. She alienated her 2nd daughter, and probably her oldest too. So I don't think talking to her in person could lower my esteem of her much more than it already is. But I guess it's possible. You have some pretty sharp emotional insight, are you a girl?

Originally posted by Futurologist
I've found that when people say the need closure from a past relationship, it's just another way of them wanting to feel like they didn't actually do the wrong they think they caused.

Oh, I know the hurt I caused. I did a few stupid things, though nothing intentionally hurtful. And a lot of really dumb BAFC moves in reaction to her unstable behavior. I accept 50% of the blame for our failed relationship. She didn't make as many actual mistakes, but her emotional problems basically made the relationship unworkable.

In your case, ZeeOwl, I'm wondering how much of the hurt and blame she inevitably dumped on you still lingers. From what you describe about her, she doesn't sound like she'll give you the answers you're looking for.

Some, but not much. It's hard to evaluate. I doubt I'll get answers from her too. She didn't want to give me any when we broke up, because she'd have to admit wrongdoing and accept part of the blame. She's not capable of doing that, because her ego is too fragile. She needs to blame others for all the bad things that happen to her. See this thread if you want more info on that aspect of the situation:
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=36298
My main objective in going to see her is to get rid of the fear factor. Whether she gives me answers or not doesn't change much, as I think I already know what they are. But I'm open to her giving her point of view. As long as she doesn't try any of her "it's all your fault" antics, because then it will be bye-bye. Honestly, I doubt she'll even talk to me. Knowing her, she'll probably just look at me with cold indifference. But that's ok too, my need is to just be there.

 

[iqqi]

You have some pretty sharp emotional insight, are you a girl?

zeeowl, i am god.