Still angry at ex for cheating and the accomplices

[Heretolearn]

I know, i know...

But still have emotional flashbacks of anger, frustration and loss that defy logic.


At her for lying. I think back to times when she acted/said she loved me and then how inconsistent it was with the ultimate behaviour.

How I should have called her on little things. The little clues scattered all around which I called her on, then just took her word when she explained it away as innocent. How the guy was weird with me then started being nice all of a sudden (when something was going on).

How others got involved/knew but did not tell me. How her friends encouraged her as they felt her and I were not a good couple. How she would say she believed we were but then clearly listened to her friends.

Still even dream about her (have moved far away and deleted her details. She tried to contact me for the guise of friends - i.e please justify I am not a cheating slut. I spoke to her and she lied blatantly to me when I knew she was lying but I just listened and was nice about it. Got off the phone and I felt like it was a waste of energy. I just sent a final message saying that she had lied to me and it was time for me to move on. THanks for the good times and good luck. Then deleted it. That was a couple of weeks ago.

Yet I am still angry at her and the guy (plus other guys who were chasing her even though I was with her/they knew that/were in the same scene and used the whole 'friends' thing.

I even do not want to go to any events that she might be at.

Hopefully this will pass. Anyone been in a similar situation/can offer guidance.

Thanks

 

[jophil28]

Most of us have been there ONCE in one form or another.

I hold the view that a woman is entirely accountable for her actions.
Men (AFC or DJ) are not responsible for how women act or react. Nobody "makes" another lie or cheat inspite of all the societal forces at work which readily, and automatically, blame men for all of manner of woes including the movements of the tectonic plates...ha ! .

However,WE are responsible for our willingness to stay in any sort of relationship with a woman AFTER we have reasonable cause to suspect that she is lying or cheating.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think back to times when she acted/said she loved me and then how inconsistent it was with the ultimate behaviour.

How I should have called her on little things. The little clues scattered all around which I called her on, then just took her word when she explained it away as innocent. How the guy was weird with me then started being nice all of a sudden (when something was going on).

How others got involved/knew but did not tell me. How her friends encouraged her as they felt her and I were not a good couple. How she would say she believed we were but then clearly listened to her friends.

Still even dream about her (have moved far away and deleted her details. She tried to contact me for the guise of friends - i.e please justify I am not a cheating slut. I spoke to her and she lied blatantly to me when I knew she was lying but I just listened and was nice about it. Got off the phone and I felt like it was a waste of energy. I just sent a final message saying that she had lied to me and it was time for me to move on. THanks for the good times and good luck. Then deleted it. That was a couple of weeks ago.

Yet I am still angry at her and the guy (plus other guys who were chasing her even though I was with her/they knew that/were in the same scene and used the whole 'friends' thing.


You just described my marriage!

fwiw, my ex-wife is now miserable, regrets divorcing me, and calls me all the time trying to get back together. But I had no way of knowing that it would end up this way when we were breaking up. You lack the same perspective that time will likely provide. Your ex will likely screw up her next relationships the same way, and be jealous of you when your future women treat you better than she ever did.

 

[Heretolearn]

Most of us have been there ONCE in one form or another.

I hold the view that a woman is entirely accountable for her actions.
Men (AFC or DJ) are not responsible for how women act or react. Nobody "makes" another lie or cheat inspite of all the societal forces at work which readily, and automatically, blame men for all of manner of woes including the movements of the tectonic plates...ha ! .

However,WE are responsible for our willingness to stay in any sort of relationship with a woman AFTER we have reasonable cause to suspect that she is lying or cheating.

Thanks. Accountability was the joke though. She never even understood or cared to understand that she hurt me and blamed me. Worse as an accountable responsible male I can see how I contributed to the situation (the whole she wanted love/affection/care/time and I could not give it at certain parts because of work etc.

Plus she blames fate saying that things are meant to be just the way they are. That I cannot argue with either. I believe things are what you make them in life but respect that I do not know about fate and others do believe in it.

So it appears I feel responsible, like I could have done something differently (even just to break up with her/not be with her). Whereas she has no remorse. (She was saying lets be friends and forget the past..............ummmmmmmmmmmmm no lol.

*imagine a dude coming up kicking you in the nether regions, putting his hand out and saying 'forget the past, lets be friends' lol

 

[Heretolearn]

You just described my marriage!

fwiw, my ex-wife is now miserable, regrets divorcing me, and calls me all the time trying to get back together. But I had no way of knowing that it would end up this way when we were breaking up. You lack the same perspective that time will likely provide. Your ex will likely screw up her next relationships the same way, and be jealous of you when your future women treat you better than she ever did.

My ex started a relationship with the guy she was seeing whilst with me, they broke up (apparently he says she is psycho, she says he came on too strong). SO then she has started seeing/sleeping with this other guy who is a major douche and 24 to her 35. Yeah, awesome. ALl this was COMPLETELY in my face as at the same location I would go to.

So I just moved away to focus on work (took a good job in the middle of nowhere) and rebuild myself. I do have the flashbacks still but at least I am no longer adding to the emotional flashbacks/memories. Plus the shift of circumstances has propelled me to re focus on other aspects of my life.

Not easy or quick though lol. My biggest concern is that I literally do not want to bump into her again. LIke eating something that made you sick and so now you squirm when you see it.

I would be happy to see her/hang with her in a lot of ways but its like that Lord of the rings scene with wormtongue in the Kings ear. Alas she just has that effect.

So can you ever become strong enough to be around that and resist or is avoidance the only answer? Just the wiser person realises and avoids sooner?

 

[Heretolearn]

Ha, just another reason why living well is the best revenge.

I've been nothing but sweet to my ex's while improving my life. Don't get mad and angry at women who were in your life, you only justify their decision to leave you. The best path is to make them regret.

I dont believe the girls could regret really. Maybe in between bfs/friends but they somehow seem to twist it in their heads and justify things anyway.
Sad but that is what I have seen.

 

[DJDamage]

I dont believe the girls could regret really. Maybe in between bfs/friends but they somehow seem to twist it in their heads and justify things anyway.
Sad but that is what I have seen.

I agree.

If a chick was the one that dumped you or cheated on you due to lack of interest, she isn't going to cry or have sleepless nights when/if she thinks about you. She may miss your attention but that's a cheap commodity and easily replaceable. What I noticed is that its not a feeling of regret they feel but rather a feeling of envy and resenment towards you if your life ends up turning better then her's down the road.

 

[Luthor Rex]

I dont believe the girls could regret really. Maybe in between bfs/friends but they somehow seem to twist it in their heads and justify things anyway.
Sad but that is what I have seen.

It's like how Cartman thought he wrote the "fishsticks joke" himself.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/224095

That clip really summarizes the minds of most 'modern' women.

 

[Da Realist]

You got screwed royally and its going to take time to let it go, but yu did the right thing in getting out of Dodge becasue she would never leave you alone. Let her crazy butt become useless to any guy while you get your life on the right track.

 

[mrRuckus]

Ha, just another reason why living well is the best revenge.

I watch miserable excuses for human beings profit and be happy all the time. Depending on mythical fate to lay the hammer is a passive fool's errand.

I believe things are what you make them in life but respect that I do not know about fate and others do believe in it.

Because it is hogwash and your mind is functioning. You might as well kill yourself on the spot if everything is predetermined. It's okay though, because that's not your fault. It was fate. Hell, go on a raping spree. It was fate, afterall. No responsibilities because there's no free will.

Belief in fate is so damn childish. I don't see how a mature mind can possibly go with that unless you start getting into crazyland physics. "I believe in that." Based on WHAT? WANT TO?

This is why you should look at women as children. They always believe in this rubbish. Whatever sounds nice, they believe in. It doesn't matter at all that it makes no goddamn sense.

*cough*

 

[horaholic]

It makes me wonder what I'll do it I ever run into the dude who kicked down my door and tried to stab me over my BPD's pvssy. I may snap, and hurt him bad. Hes way bigger than me, and has a violent police record a mile long. Im not very big, and have a clean record. I'd have a good chance of getting off legally. I am not condoning violence, and I dont want to think this way, but doubt I could control myself. I've tried to forgive him, but its not easy. May God give me strength! Hopefully, I'll just never see him again.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Just buy a side-by-side 12 gauge and give him both barrels if he comes around again.

 

[Trader]

To the OP:

What's interesting is that when I look back to my pre DJ days - I would always blame the girl for the problems.

Then as I became more and more of a DJ - I started to realize that the problem (and the solution!) lay in myself, not in the girl.

You are on the DJ path - I can tell because you are starting to think about the things you did wrong - i.e. not calling her out on her BS.

Trust me 100%, every single mistake and failed relationship can teach you so much. Instead of getting angry, use that failed relationship as a way to help you grow and improve. That way you win.

 

[Heretolearn]

To the OP:

What's interesting is that when I look back to my pre DJ days - I would always blame the girl for the problems.

Then as I became more and more of a DJ - I started to realize that the problem (and the solution!) lay in myself, not in the girl.

You are on the DJ path - I can tell because you are starting to think about the things you did wrong - i.e. not calling her out on her BS.

Trust me 100%, every single mistake and failed relationship can teach you so much. Instead of getting angry, use that failed relationship as a way to help you grow and improve. That way you win.

THanks my problem is not calling her out. I did that. My problem is a feeling of helplessness as it seems that the only way I could have avoided a bad situation with this girl was to either a) not get involved or b) walk away. B MUCH harder as it is harder to walk away in same situation/environment as drama created.

Now to be honest, I would not want to trade/miss out on the good times we shared so my feeling of helplessness is basically 'do I have to walk away from the good because of the bad gah. And that this increases my standards even more so perhaps to unrealistic proportions...