Sticky situation

Tricolor

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Hello,
I wound myself up in a pretty sticky situation, and I would like some advice how to turn the situation around.
After 4 years of relationship with a girl who always stood by my side I got the "I don't know what I want, i need time". This girl was always prioritizing me, and has been always faithful, alltough I haven't been the most faithful, to be honest. I always exercised the chasing game and had some affairs, but she doesn't know it for sure. She saw me talking online with other girls and she called me out on that in numerous occasions but I would always make something up. Being secretive with my phone was a big deal and she would have liked me to be more honest and tell her if I am chatting with someone rather than being secretive. In the last months of our relationship I started really slacking around (no more dates, we didn't really go on trips anymore, no more , our interactions being more and more scarce and not really spending quality time, only sex and some talking. I admit this is my fault due to work exhaustion, affair and the beginning of an addiction, depression, leading to just shutting myself down emotionally and minimizing interaction. Also, prior to breakup I lashed out at her as I bottled up anger and frustrations in me. She did close an eye to it but after 2 weeks she decided to end it all. She stated on numerous occasions that she doesn't feel prioritised (didn't introduce her to my parents due to having a very strange family with a concentration on ethnic differences, also going usually my way, being incosiderete and not taking her with me to most of the events I attended) and that we have some issues we have to solve but I always brushed these matters off saying I don't want to talk about it. I messed up really bad.
The thing is that I realised that I became a mess and started working on myself, also I want to repair this situation somehow. We talk daily, we didn't do no contact, and also 2 days after the breakup I acted kinda needy. I explained the struggles I had and opened up to her (the thing she wanted from me but i didn't do it). 2 months have past and she still doesn't know what she wants, we interact only via messages and we see each other but only near her home, she always found an excuse to go out with me. She says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but she doesn't seem to want to really end it all (I told her to end it if she really wants to break up, I am mature enough to accept this decision, but she said that she said that this is not the case, she needs time) She knows that in my book staying just friends is not an option, also she told me that she is afraid that we'll be back in this situation later on if she decides to give it another shot, also she stated that we are too different, as she accepts too much and I am too choleric.
Is there a way to untangle this mess and show her that things will be better this time? Is there a way to regain attraction, respect and trust once damaged?
 

samspade

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Bro, you need to take a huge step back and work on yourself. You sound like a mess. She had several legit reasons to break up with you.

Besides that, you should follow the rule of pulling way back. She doesn't know what she wants? Not your problem. What I mean is one of you needs to make a call. She won't do it, you might as well. Better than being in a holding pattern at her mercy. So tell her it's over. The alternative is to be weak and in her frame, which will get you nowhere while she equivocates and possibly takes her license to ride the c0ck carousel. So agree and amplify. But the greater issue is YOU, you sound like you need to do some personal house cleaning.
 

Tricolor

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I gave her time as she desired, honestly I was thinking about telling her to make up her mind already because I won't stay like this any longer. If she really considers getting back as she mentioned and she really cares and is afraid of losing me then she will really give it a serious thought, if else, then maybe it's time to move on.
I thought of this some time ago already, but I thought that it might come off as being impatient and manipulative
 

samspade

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I gave her time as she desired, honestly I was thinking about telling her to make up her mind already because I won't stay like this any longer. If she really considers getting back as she mentioned and she really cares and is afraid of losing me then she will really give it a serious thought, if else, then maybe it's time to move on.
I thought of this some time ago already, but I thought that it might come off as being impatient and manipulative
It's not impatient or manipulative if you approach it from the right mindset.

The right mindset is that YOU are the one who needs time and space - for your own well-being.

I'm not advising you to end it because it's a ploy to get her back. As long as you're waiting or telling her to "make up her mind" you are on her watch, and that's not fair to you. Think about it. She knows you and who you are so it shouldn't be difficult. She's the one being manipulative by taking her sweet time while you wait. But you aren't trapped in some prison, you don't have to wait for her. You're free to exit whenever you like. Remember that: You're always free.
 

Julian

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“i need a break and space “ = im gonna fukk this other guy for a bit and see how it goes
 

Tricolor

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She haven't been seeing other people as far as I know, and common friends ( my friends that became hers also) said that she stated clearly she needs time alone and is not looking for adventure She seems to be also in a messy situation, with college ending and weak employment opportunities, also she doesn't really seem happy or content with herself. She said to me she wants stability and she needs to figure out where her life is headed. She had some insecurities since last year when i gave her the "i need time to figure stuff out" when i ended college. I kept her 2 months and she was also depressed back then and I felt it's not worth the effort anymore, but it was the impulse for her to get back on track, but got insecure about her looks (she was a bit chubby back then) and she felt like she's not good enough afterwards.
I am also working on myself, I got back into my hobbies I also neglected since working, started taking life more lightheartedly and I'm seeing a therapist which helped me link my previous actions to my insecurities and those to previous negative events from a troubled childhood. I'm getting to understand at least why stuff went down the way it did.
 
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