Sticky situation

Tricolor

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Hello,
I wound myself up in a pretty sticky situation, and I would like some advice how to turn the situation around.
After 4 years of relationship with a girl who always stood by my side I got the "I don't know what I want, i need time". This girl was always prioritizing me, and has been always faithful, alltough I haven't been the most faithful, to be honest. I always exercised the chasing game and had some affairs, but she doesn't know it for sure. She saw me talking online with other girls and she called me out on that in numerous occasions but I would always make something up. Being secretive with my phone was a big deal and she would have liked me to be more honest and tell her if I am chatting with someone rather than being secretive. In the last months of our relationship I started really slacking around (no more dates, we didn't really go on trips anymore, no more , our interactions being more and more scarce and not really spending quality time, only sex and some talking. I admit this is my fault due to work exhaustion, affair and the beginning of an addiction, depression, leading to just shutting myself down emotionally and minimizing interaction. Also, prior to breakup I lashed out at her as I bottled up anger and frustrations in me. She did close an eye to it but after 2 weeks she decided to end it all. She stated on numerous occasions that she doesn't feel prioritised (didn't introduce her to my parents due to having a very strange family with a concentration on ethnic differences, also going usually my way, being incosiderete and not taking her with me to most of the events I attended) and that we have some issues we have to solve but I always brushed these matters off saying I don't want to talk about it. I messed up really bad.
The thing is that I realised that I became a mess and started working on myself, also I want to repair this situation somehow. We talk daily, we didn't do no contact, and also 2 days after the breakup I acted kinda needy. I explained the struggles I had and opened up to her (the thing she wanted from me but i didn't do it). 2 months have past and she still doesn't know what she wants, we interact only via messages and we see each other but only near her home, she always found an excuse to go out with me. She says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but she doesn't seem to want to really end it all (I told her to end it if she really wants to break up, I am mature enough to accept this decision, but she said that she said that this is not the case, she needs time) She knows that in my book staying just friends is not an option, also she told me that she is afraid that we'll be back in this situation later on if she decides to give it another shot, also she stated that we are too different, as she accepts too much and I am too choleric.
Is there a way to untangle this mess and show her that things will be better this time? Is there a way to regain attraction, respect and trust once damaged?
 

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samspade

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Bro, you need to take a huge step back and work on yourself. You sound like a mess. She had several legit reasons to break up with you.

Besides that, you should follow the rule of pulling way back. She doesn't know what she wants? Not your problem. What I mean is one of you needs to make a call. She won't do it, you might as well. Better than being in a holding pattern at her mercy. So tell her it's over. The alternative is to be weak and in her frame, which will get you nowhere while she equivocates and possibly takes her license to ride the c0ck carousel. So agree and amplify. But the greater issue is YOU, you sound like you need to do some personal house cleaning.
 

Tricolor

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I gave her time as she desired, honestly I was thinking about telling her to make up her mind already because I won't stay like this any longer. If she really considers getting back as she mentioned and she really cares and is afraid of losing me then she will really give it a serious thought, if else, then maybe it's time to move on.
I thought of this some time ago already, but I thought that it might come off as being impatient and manipulative
 

samspade

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I gave her time as she desired, honestly I was thinking about telling her to make up her mind already because I won't stay like this any longer. If she really considers getting back as she mentioned and she really cares and is afraid of losing me then she will really give it a serious thought, if else, then maybe it's time to move on.
I thought of this some time ago already, but I thought that it might come off as being impatient and manipulative
It's not impatient or manipulative if you approach it from the right mindset.

The right mindset is that YOU are the one who needs time and space - for your own well-being.

I'm not advising you to end it because it's a ploy to get her back. As long as you're waiting or telling her to "make up her mind" you are on her watch, and that's not fair to you. Think about it. She knows you and who you are so it shouldn't be difficult. She's the one being manipulative by taking her sweet time while you wait. But you aren't trapped in some prison, you don't have to wait for her. You're free to exit whenever you like. Remember that: You're always free.
 
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Tricolor

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She haven't been seeing other people as far as I know, and common friends ( my friends that became hers also) said that she stated clearly she needs time alone and is not looking for adventure She seems to be also in a messy situation, with college ending and weak employment opportunities, also she doesn't really seem happy or content with herself. She said to me she wants stability and she needs to figure out where her life is headed. She had some insecurities since last year when i gave her the "i need time to figure stuff out" when i ended college. I kept her 2 months and she was also depressed back then and I felt it's not worth the effort anymore, but it was the impulse for her to get back on track, but got insecure about her looks (she was a bit chubby back then) and she felt like she's not good enough afterwards.
I am also working on myself, I got back into my hobbies I also neglected since working, started taking life more lightheartedly and I'm seeing a therapist which helped me link my previous actions to my insecurities and those to previous negative events from a troubled childhood. I'm getting to understand at least why stuff went down the way it did.
 

Tricolor

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Last week she still stood her stance of being afraid to be back with me, but she said that our issues are solvable and still considers getting back, but changes take time. Also she said that if I find someone else she won't judge me.
I started not contacting her. She keeps contacting me daily, but I am distant in my answers. She is much more communicative now that I'm more distant. I even thought of telling her to just stop contact until she makes up her mind.
Any thoughts?
 

markfromeurope

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Last week she still stood her stance of being afraid to be back with me, but she said that our issues are solvable and still considers getting back, but changes take time. Also she said that if I find someone else she won't judge me.
I started not contacting her. She keeps contacting me daily, but I am distant in my answers. She is much more communicative now that I'm more distant. I even thought of telling her to just stop contact until she makes up her mind.
Any thoughts?
She requalified you as low SMV at the point of the breakup.

You couldn't really stand on your feet so she repeated this requalification. She is probably (either) courted but - what is much more probable - already phucked by some other c.0ck, once or twice per week.

You might regain her and make her leave rebound relationship but after tasting this rebound-c0ck, she might enter the c0ck-carousel machine for longer period od time.

Why do I think its the case? When woman is so sure of herself to tell you that "She won't mind if you will find another person" its actually a challenge - she already has such a person in her orbit. You don't. Time is ticking.

Tell her you need to think about it all and next time she will contact you, try to setup a great date that should end with you two getting physical.

Female attraction cannot be negotiated - either she finds you attractive or she does not.

My thoughts? You phucked up. Woman can ALWAYS find a man with higher SMV than her own sooner than you will find adequate partner - that's why you need to play the game in relationship. You tried to play alpha 1.0 card (being loud and expressive in fights) and its a decent card if you have your sh.it together but 'No Sex' card is game changer. You didn't have your s.hit together so your whole game backfired and she is pu.ssywhipping you now - and it's working great for her.

Its possible that your relationship is already a burning wreckage. You need to accept that.
 
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Black Widow Void

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Personally, I'm a supporter of the "no contact" rule, but if you want to get her back ...
Here is your band-aid letter to send, but keep in mind that if your actions do not mirror these words (or some-what close) it'll be dumpsville again. Also, keep in mind that you'll have to word this in a way that sounds like you.
If you're in contact every day, go ghost for at least 72 hours. Seriously. At least.
And then send this e-mail.

If you send something similar to the below e-mail. You *do not* write again. You wait for her to respond (and she will... eventually).
--------------
"Hey,

I wanted to give you a quick thanks. Actually, I meant to write earlier, but a lot of cool sh*t has been happening. You wouldn't *believe* it if I told told you.

Anyway, I've heard that people and couples can get into a routine and it can all go down hill from there. I never thought this could happen to me, but I guess that I'm as human as the rest of us. I realize that there's no sense in turning back the clock. I was listening when we talked and I now understand how you feel.

Damn. I almost forgot about the "thank you" part. I really appreciate you sharing how you were feeling. It's made me realize a few things. I now feel like a "newer and improved version" of myself. I'm sure that you and I will be dating others soon. Thanks to your openness, I feel like I have a new approach to life when my next chapter arrives.

I wish you the best and thanks again!
Take care,
Tricolor"
 
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Spaz

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She requalified you as low SMV at the point of the breakup.

You couldn't really stand on your feet so she repeated this requalification. She is probably (either) courted but - what is much more probable - already phucked by some other c.0ck, once or twice per week.

You might regain her and make her leave rebound relationship but after tasting this rebound-c0ck, she might enter the c0ck-carousel machine for longer period od time.

Why do I think its the case? When woman is so sure of herself to tell you that "She won't mind if you will find another person" its actually a challenge - she already has such a person in her orbit. You don't. Time is ticking.

Tell her you need to think about it all and next time she will contact you, try to setup a great date that should end with you two getting physical.

Female attraction cannot be negotiated - either she finds you attractive or she does not.

My thoughts? You phucked up. Woman can ALWAYS find a man with higher SMV than her own sooner than you will find adequate partner - that's why you need to play the game in relationship. You tried to play alpha 1.0 card (being loud and expressive in fights) and its a decent card if you have your sh.it together but 'No Sex' card is game changer. You didn't have your s.hit together so your whole game backfired and she is pu.ssywhipping you now - and it's working great for her.

Its possible that your relationship is already a burning wreckage. You need to accept that.
Very clever.
 

Spaz

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Personally, I'm a supporter of the "no contact" rule, but if you want to get her back ...
Here is your band-aid letter to send, but keep in mind that if your actions do not mirror these words (or some-what close) it'll be dumpsville again. Also, keep in mind that you'll have to word this in a way that sounds like you.
If you're in contact every day, go ghost for at least 72 hours. Seriously. At least.
And then send this e-mail.

If you send something similar to the below e-mail. You *do not* write again. You wait for her to respond (and she will... eventually).
--------------
"Hey,

I wanted to give you a quick thanks. Actually, I meant to write earlier, but a lot of cool sh*t has been happening. You wouldn't *believe* it if I told told you.

Anyway, I've heard that people and couples can get into a routine and it can all go down hill from there. I never thought this could happen to me, but I guess that I'm as human as the rest of us. I realize that there's no sense in turning back the clock. I was listening when we talked and I now understand how you feel.

Damn. I almost forgot about the "thank you" part. I really appreciate you sharing how you were feeling. It's made me realize a few things. I now feel like a "newer and improved version" of myself. I'm sure that you and I will be dating others soon. Thanks to your openness, I feel like I have a new approach to life when my next chapter arrives.

I wish you the best and thanks again!
Take care,
Tricolor"
Either u r very naive or u r a female posing as a male here.

Both of which is useless to the forum.
 

Black Widow Void

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Aye yai yai… the ‘payback’ I receive for neglecting to log on and instead, viewing this forum as a “guest” … is that I can see postings from my stalker (whom, I blocked when logging in). I’ve experienced a few scorned women in my life, but now some dude named Spazz? C’mon.

Okay, for others reading, I’ll explain the psychology for the above suggested letter.

The OP wants another chance with his ex. As he is learning, when we show too much investment and outcome dependency, we appear unattractive and relinquish our power.

If the OP reacts with anger, eagerness, or sadness, he will appear as needy and too invested. Currently, the ex is still in a state where she’s able to feel some uncertainty. If the OP exhibits traits that are unfavorable, he will only cement and validate that she made the correct decision.

On the other hand, if the OP appears as indifferent, yet at the same time, understands her (as in he was “connected’ to her feelings) this lays out a different map.

Doubtfully, no one will dispute that women want … that which other women desire. Imagine how his ex will feel… if her ‘criticism’ creates a more desirable man for other women. I think the common term around here is “hamster” and you can bet that she will be wondering what he is doing. Also, she will hate that she helped create this “new” man.

This will create self-doubt in her mind. She knows that she once had a strong desire for the OP. His indifference and willingness to accept her decision will remove the image of neediness. Coupled with the notion that other women can now have the man (at his best) will prompt her to think/react differently.

People are attracted to confident self-assured men. Don’t believe me? Heck, even on this forum, there’s a (supposed) dude name Spazz that keeps following me around and vying for my attention.

In short: when you display leadership qualities, beta men will follow and so will women.
 
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