Steak Without Sizzle

[Re-ac-tor]

As a bouncer at a fairly posh nightclub, I've naturally gotten more female attention then I have in a while..

I attribute the gig (not that I take pride in doing this at 24) to one of Pook's posts pertaining to the more he ripped he was, the less fugo's followed him, and, conversely, the attractive one's began to take notice.

I've dedicated myself to 2 years of balls-to-the-wall no bullsh!t lifting etc..

But then, along the way, I lost something. I think I may have lost my personality.

In totality, I have social anxiety. Since high school and on, it's generally always lurking around, sometimes it depreciates..

Essentially, I'm your run-of-the-mill ripped white guy with, I find now, a somewhat bland personality.

I've been 'trying' to swing a few plates recently, though, yes, that one girl has caught the eye..

I met her at the club when I was working, she gave me looks for a month, me not knowing what to think - picture a Marilyn Monroe, basically. Okay, maybe shave a point off and call her 8.5.

So 8.5 do a beer & frozen yogurt first date, I pay, a park by the water a few days later, make out etc.. then, last night..

Though, dammit, I'm not myself. To be fair, I'm not sure what 'myself' portrays me as anymore. With social anxiety and constant negative feedback (which I gladly lend myself sometimes unconsciously) being regurgitated back, it's almost as if I'm draggin' chains around.

Take last night. I was out, she works at a nice bar near where I work. I also clean the club, repair sh!t as well, so I usually wait it out until closing time to then come in, clean up, etc..

I mingle down to her place, and I walk into 3 riff raff patrons, with one kind hassling her around. So, trying hard not to come off as some douche, I introduce myself to the 3 guys, make small talk yada yada, I eventually walk them out.

Though, I'm just not that kinda ****y free-lovin' guy I once kinda was. I think back to what her and I were talking about last night (all the while pondering whether this was an afc move to begin with - randomly stroll into her place of work - would Clint Eastwood do this..?)

It was so-so convo, though no flair from my side. Then, a couple guys wander in, rather business-like, and the one guy, kinda half-bagged, asks if his workout regime is going well with me.. What?!

He then compliments me on my physique, says I should model for A+F etc...yay. Turns out buddy is a bit of a high roller.. So I kinda roll with their convos as they were all involving themselves with 8.5..

They leave, I stay. I'm thinking this is too long, I've been here maybe 45mins, basically waiting my work to shut down in an hour..

So, to end my rambling state, I end it off by saying if she wants a ride home, to swing by my work and I wouldn't be doing anything for some while. She said sure, she'll take me up on that..

Then, before I leave, I ask if her co-worker is single. With a bit of an odd expression, she said she think she is - I say I have a buddy who'd be perfect for her etc.. So I play that card to initiate convo with co-worker, which I think went all right..

Needless to say, she didn't show up later.

As with the boring molasses that I typed above, I find myself socially dry. I'm going back to listening to DeAngelo material today, maybe that'll artificially insert some colour into me..

I know a few things of why I'm dry. My career has stalled, I have a child (major baggage), have recently moved back to my rents from a big city on temp basis...etc. Little things that nag at your a*s, you know?

I understand I'm more of an introvert, and with the clubs being full of extros, it's a little difficult socially manoeuvring around, I find.

Advice on how to deal with the 8.5 (probably see her doing the club tonight/tomorrow) and anything on dealing with a believed dry personality.

*It's taken me about a year to contrive a thread on sosauve, admitting my personality defaults - because, hey, if I own up to it, it's got to be true (silly as that may be) which therefore reinforces this kinda themed personality I've titled myself as...ex: I believe I'm a loser*

Skimming the surface..

 

[Bible_Belt]

You're mature, responsible, and sober...which is the exact opposite of the women you are going to meet at work. Don't expect to click immediately with people who are very different from you. It would be just as fair to say that they are shallow as to say that you are boring. It's a matter of perception.

And I would imagine that being a parent at 24 is not easy, but it's never going to help to view having a child as baggage. Even if you see single moms as having baggage, women don't think the same way as men. Believe it or not, many women, even childless ones, will be more attracted to you because you are a parent. But back to my earlier point, you're not going to meet most of those girls at work.

 

[Nobeard]

Dude that's the wrong way to go about this.

Your seem far far too worried about how the world percieves you. The truth is the world is vast and amazing. However, that doesn't mean that hb 8.5 is.

You should just go into that bar expecting to have fun. Talk to everyone about anything and try to relate what interests you to them. And listen to tyem. If people notice you having a good time when your just being yourself its a goldmine.

And if the convo goes stale when your talking to someone, guess what? If your talking about what you want to talk about they are the uniteresting ones with nothing to say. It takes 2 to have a conversation and only one to make it dull. Just talk and at worst chalk it up to practice.

For instance when that guy asked you for tips. You don't have to give him any. The first thing that I woul probably ask is for what reason do you want to get stronger. Maybe throw in a few jokes (none that are negative) or maybe even a funny gym story. Or give him some stupid tip and change the subject. Even if the dude was hitting on you in a homosexual way, talking to him about lifting is not accepting a **** in the ass. You could have done it.

The point is now your interesting to that person. At that point you get to decide if that prson can keep your interest. If no, you bounce and find something to interest you. Girls will notice this too and will begin to try and make you interested in them.

The question is are you?

P.S. not everyone you meet will hold your interest at first, but as you get to know people you may find a part of them that does.

 

[Nobeard]

Dude that's the wrong way to go about this.

Your seem far far too worried about how the world percieves you. The truth is the world is vast and amazing. However, that doesn't mean that hb 8.5 is.

You should just go into that bar expecting to have fun. Talk to everyone about anything and try to relate what interests you to them. And listen to tyem. If people notice you having a good time when your just being yourself its a goldmine.

And if the convo goes stale when your talking to someone, guess what? If your talking about what you want to talk about they are the uniteresting ones with nothing to say. It takes 2 to have a conversation and only one to make it dull. Just talk and at worst chalk it up to practice.

For instance when that guy asked you for tips. You don't have to give him any. The first thing that I woul probably ask is for what reason do you want to get stronger. Maybe throw in a few jokes (none that are negative) or maybe even a funny gym story. Or give him some stupid tip and change the subject. Even if the dude was hitting on you in a homosexual way, talking to him about lifting is not accepting a **** in the ass. You could have done it.

The point is now your interesting to that person. At that point you get to decide if that prson can keep your interest. If no, you bounce and find something to interest you. Girls will notice this too and will begin to try and make you interested in them.

The question is are you?

P.S. not everyone you meet will hold your interest at first, but as you get to know people you may find a part of them that does.

 

[Ease]

You hinted and skimmed the topic of low confidence there.

Let me tell you the stuff you are describing are all linked heavily with confidence. I've seen this before, it is not obvious and hard to explain why it happens, but it does.

Get your confidence up, you will stop worrying about personality and social problems. That's not the real issue, the self confidence is.

I'll take a guess that it may have something to do with your job at the moment, feeling disappointed that you are a bouncer at 24. It really could be anything but maybe that might be why you are losing some swag in yourself.

 

[Re-ac-tor]

'preciate the feedback.

Bible Belt: You mentioned the word perception. Brought me back to my college years - internally, I used the words 'paradigm' and 'perception' practically every day. “Perception makes the world go 'round” was an old saying I threw around a lot. I forgot that word, thanks for bringing it back.

Regarding parenthood - I do not consider myself a father. I really don't. A biological father, yes. The mother is engaged to an old 'buddy' of mine whom I never thought much of, though he's done an admirable job with my daughter, so with that in mind, it doesn't matter then what I think of him personally.

I've heard the rumblings of the odd girl perhaps digging the single father scene. I've haven't much luck in that regard, as it's more of a 'deal breaker'. Since my daughter is now 6 come June 1 (my first lay..ever) it's taken a now current picture of “oh, he was a greasy player in his teens, now he wants to date my daughter?!” Not a pleasant vibe once the woman’s rents get word..ah well.

Your first sentence felt good to read. I don't drink, only on rare social occasions will I pop a few - I usually get resentment from..well, anyone, once I figured to quit pusssyfooting around the questions of 'why isn't this guy lushed right now??' Strong first paragraph, thanks.

Nobeard: Your second paragraphs basically summed me up. Along with Ease throwing the topic of confidence around, you're right. I always say to myself, if I didn't have this body, I'd be worthless. I figured, once I became satisfied with my fitness goals, the confidence would come through.

Admittedly some has, granted it's purely of a narcissistic nature, which I'm now self-aware of, thus rendering it kinda useless in a sense..hard to describe..

Nobeard, your comments on essentially verbally fvcking around without crass or care - I need more of this. I suppose it's lacking due to my current state of being, which isn't satisfactory - though it hasn't been in..getting close to a decade now, so it's more of a dull sensation if I do kinda break out of it and go on a socially happy spree with randoms. This should happen more.

Ease: Is confidence not having a care with perception? Or is confidence the perception of not caring? Same thing? Anyone? I realize it's been done to death at sosuave, though level with me here. In five words or less - what is confidence?

I believe I know how it feels, though regaining myself back to the starters position of a confident being is something your final paragraph explains pretty much straight on.

In ending, I think a reading of Pook's entries would be beneficial, as I'm becoming a little too technical, and a little less natural in how I conduct myself these days..

Speaking of confidence, as a side gig, I went for an interview today - posing nude for 8 artists at the local Art Gallery. $150 a sesh.

So, if anything, this'll either shock the confidence into me, or make it an interesting evening..

Thanks for reading.

 

[Ease]

No confidence is the 'confidence' that people will laugh when you make a joke. That these guys you are talking to right now will appreciate your opinion on the topic, and your conversation. That you can walk into a quiet room and not hesitate to make noise on your way in. Not be afraid of trespassing another man's boundary. To see that people around you are equal or below, and not fear that they are above you. That people respect you and will remember you. That you are unique in your ability, and are on your way to do success ultimately.

Does this sound familiar?

Confidence effects us in ways we dont realize. It is something we rationalise with other euphamisms and explanations, such as being sober around drunk people. There will always be people superior to you, but with a big physique you can draw a lot of confidence from, you can start to see yourself as above the average guy. Recognise that everyone experiences this at one point or another- that you are not actually a useless social inept person with lacking a personality.

 

[FairShake]

Most people aren't that interesting. 99% of all conversation amongst all but the best of friends is boring run-of-the-mill sh!t. So it's NOT that you're not interesting!

It's that you're WORRIED about being interesting and probably try too hard to be interesting. Or get all quiet and introspective about yourself. Either way you don't have to be that interesting to get women. Especially if you're as good looking as you say.

 

[bigneil]

"Only a small percentage of communication involves actual words: 7%, to be exact. In fact, 55% of communication is visual (body language, eye contact) and 38% is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice)."

http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/102425/Body_Language:_A_Key_to_Success_in_the_Workplace

 

[Re-ac-tor]

Hey, thanks for the posts guys.

The weekend was, well, I'm not too sure..

Friday night, 8.5 made an appearance at the club with friends - and with the bartenders wanting me to nail her, they triple/quadrupled shot her, which, in the end, killed any sort of home run..

As she's heading out, I'm on door, ask her if she wants to chill out later tonight, said yeah call me etc..

So I head over around 3am, and she'd pretty much bagged, though no lush, she holds up fairly well. I do kino, escalate to her room, top off, everything but panties.

Then, I feel kinda awkward. I'm stone cold sober, she's in the state she's in..you can only do so much that at some point it just seems.. diddlerish..

So, I tell myself 'game over', and turn over on the bed, and figure I'll snooze for 15mins then up and leave - ..I snoozed for 7 hours, woke up @ noon...when I realized what had happened, I had this raw, ugly feeling.. 'great, she must think I'm one of those guys that sleeps over, no kino throughout, just kinda there, in hopes, prays, for some poon in the morning, or perhaps, a morning kiss~!!'

So I felt like that as we chatted, me not explaining that I really only meant to snooze it out instead of staying the night etc..

I joke around, goes okay, her roommate digs me - I leave.

See her last night with friends @ the club while I was again @ door - I took her roommates pink scarf and wore it til they left. Didn't talk to 8.5 directly, eye contact etc. Even earlier in the evening, she was walking past the club heading to meet up with her friends I'm assuming. Made eye contact, though she didn't stop to talk, and I was honestly tongue-tied so I didn't say sh!t..

So today hits, texted her "hey 8.5, it's Re-ac-tor - join me for a movie tonight"

8.5 - "hey...sorry i have soccer tonight"

Now, I should have left it at that. I didn't. I don't have decent self control in these situations.. so I text back..

"Ah very nice...storm, right? (her soccer team's name, which I knew after texting was a lame thing to say) yaa I mean take in something at home, not @ the local cinema or wherever you kids go for thrills these days"

8.5 "Sorry got plans with the girlies tonight"

Again, little self control - should have left it @ the first text. Regardless, I won't contact her til the 18th, Wednesday..

Socially, I was adequate enough this weekend. Satisfactory.

I may contort this into a running commentary, though if it all gets too dry, I'll probably drop it out.

By the way, my text game is amateur at best. I don't own a cell. Last was an I-phone that drove me bananas.. probably pick one up this week..

Also, have a few 7.5's in viewing region - shall see..

I should also mention, from a previous bad relationship experience, almost like Pavlov’s dog – I come under tremendous anxiety/stress when awaiting a text from 8.5. It was pathetic, almost as if it was a feeling of trying to be lucky enough to bask in her presence this evening.

Even upon realizing this, the anxiety continued.