stalking behaviour?

[Jeremymichael]

Hi Guys,

I moved to a new town a few years ago and have met some nice friends. There is one guy who I use to play pool with in a pub pool team who I got on with and I would see him every now and again . We would meet on a Thursday to do the general knowledge quiz as a group together etc.

Anyway just recently he is becoming a real pain. He is always calling me most nights asking where I am?, will I be in the pub toinght ?etc. The thing is that I when I go out I don't want to be with him all the time, he is normally quite drunk and although intelligent he constantly talks about himself. When I go out sometimes I like to be on my own, I have found it works in my favour sometimes and I have been able to meet women this way also I want to try and meet new people and not listern to his work problems all day.

I don't know what to do about him, I have started to ignore his phone calls and last night I got a text message saying "answer my calls" . He is a decent enough bloke, but I wish he would go and bother other people (he has quite a lot of friends). I think he is lonely and when his work colleagues have left the pub he has nobody to talk to, however what he does not realize I am quite busy with my job and can't always answer his calls.


What do you think?, any suggestions?

Thanks

 

[decades]

I believe he sees in you someone he can use and manipulate and bully. But I don't believe this situation simply evolved from seeing him on Thursdays to him being a stalker. There must be more to the story. You also say that he has a lot of friends but then immediately amended that by saying he is lonely. That doesn't add up. Finally, you imply that you would take his calls if you weren't so busy with work. Really? I would RUN from a person like this!

I don't think you want him totally out of your life. I suspect you get something important from his friendship as well. But here is the problem. I suspect this friend is going to be "all" or "nothing" for you. He just is one of those clingy needy "types", especially mixed with your particular personality, which also may be a bit needy for attention. It's based on interpersonal chemistry. So it's going to be tough to have a "normal" friendship with him that stays within boundaries.

This is what I call an unbalanced friendship, one where you give more than you get. That's usually a pattern for people and I recommend looking at all your friendships to try and detect this negative pattern.

If you eventually get to a point where you do feel you need to eliminate him from your life, You must be more direct. You have to be clear. You can't be wishy washy in your communication. You can't send mixed messages.

I have had to eliminate these needy folks from my life altogether. The way you do that is tell them you want to move in a different direction, then IGNORE their further attempts to contact.

Like I said, I don't believe there is going to be a "half way", meet in the middle kind of relationship with this person.

 

[Jeremymichael]

very interesting. I can't ever imagine myself phoning a friend most nights and asking "are you out tonight, where are you"?. He gets quite annoyed if I don't answer it. I can just imagine the next time I see him he will say "turn your damm phone on" sarcastically.

I don't want to necessarily drop entirely from my life, I recognize a good person hidden there, I just want my space like most normal people. However if this continues I will have to ignore him completely as he is becoming a pain.

When I say lots of friends, I would probably say most of them are acquaintances through work etc that tend to be in the bars after work. They tend to leave him about 7-30pm to go home for a meal etc, then the calls start and he tries to go hunting for me. Normally if I go out it's about 8-30pm for a pint or two, by then he semi drunk and I have to get an ear bashing about his day at work. This is one of the reasons I am trying to avoid him

 

[Jeremymichael]

I spoke with another friend at the weekend and apparently he has been phoning him aswell, not as much as me though. I went to a relative christening yesterday and turned my phone off all day. When I turned it on today there was three missed calls again from him last night. Do you suggest I tell him to stop calling or ignore his call?. I don't want to offend him, just to leave me alone.

 

[ligyron]

Make fun of him for calling you so much, he should take the hint

I get calls/texts everyday asking what I'm going at, but it's been like that for as long as I remember so I guess you just get used to it

There are some people that need "alone time" though, and it sounds like you're one of those people, so instead of being confrontational and annoying with him, just joke about it, or ignore the call and say you were asleep?