"Soulmate" vs. "Perfect Mate"

[Sinistar]

The InvisibleMan's thread (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=111134) had me thinking about something, perhaps more material for Rollo's book.

Quite often the term 'Soulmate' is being used by guys so I will stipulate early on that this myth clearly afflicts men as well as women. And soulmate is an interesting term, especially when you look at how it used and when it is used. It is not at all uncommon to hear phrases such as "we were soulmates", "I don't think I'll ever find my soulmate", "my soulmate is out there somewhere searching for me", "I am waiting for my soulmate", etc, etc, etc. Basically, a statement used quite frequently in and around stressfull events for a person (or persons supporting those experiencing a stressor). We all know at a simple logical level how ironic this belief is and we know how widespread and conditioned it has become.

Yet InvisibleMan's thread brings up an interesting angle to this rationalization that there is only one. It would appear that there is a sample group (of notable proportion) made up of men who are awaiting their 'Perfect Woman". It is quite clear that many experience this belief so strongly that they may even resist any form of intimacy well into their mature years rather than experience a woman deemed to be less than perfect.

What a interesting, yet potentially stressfull position to adopt. Almost as if the underlying fear of rejection is so incredibly strong that a man rationalizes (ironically illogically) that he should wait for the 'Perfect Mate" rather than risk being rejected and thereby potentially perceived by others as weaker or less masculine (ie negative masculinity).

Many guys know the soulmate thing is bunk. Yet they still find a place to hide via the excuse of "High Standards".

And "High Standards" leads to another interesting observation. If a guy is a player/DJ and sleeps with a lot of women, our current (Western) society will often play that against him. Yet if a guy is a 40yr old virgin and upon confronting/questioning says "I'm waiting for Ms.Right, I have high standards" he is oddly accepted by the feminine clutch and in a true stroke of irony he is very immediately and unknowningly categorized and extremely Beta, part of their flock so speak. The exact opposite of where his rationalization was meant to take him.

Sort of interesting anyways, when a guy is operating at a logical level or has avoided social conditioning he will not bring the term "Soulmate" to the discussion, yet his rationalization to wait or a "Perfect Mate" can be even more damaging in that he may never experience intimacy at all.

 

[realsmoothie]

I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to find a girl who really believes in a soulmate. It's a fairy tale thing, a concept that sounds good in theory.

It certainly makes no rational sense. There's six billion souls on this planet... odds of even MEETING your soulmate are kinda slim!

One point though, just to be contradictory... you claim that a true DJ would probably be looked down upon by society... yeah, and a woman would be treated even worse. Remember the whole slut/stud paradox.

Of course, we WANT girls to have more sex...!

 

[flexion_]

Every time a girl tells me she's looking for her "soulmate" I run.

Yes good advice. You might as well go to Disneyland and look for some chick in the pixie suite near the castle.

 

[PRMoon]

I don't believe in "soulmates" but I do believe in high compatability. I think there are people in the world that are very compatable with prehaps on an inner level, but the basis for this really depends on the individuals and their views on life, willingness to learn and staying power (willingness to continue after rejection).

In my lifetime I've met and spent time with few people who were highly compatable with myself. That's not to say that I haven't had alot of interaction with women because the converse is true. I'm incredibly comfortable with people and I have a good understanding of sociliaztion and social standards (in the US). Unfortuantely the only way to truely see how deep your compatabiliy with someone of the opposite sex goes, is to spend time with them. Currently i'm spending time with a "special someone" and I'm HOPING our compatability is as deep as I hope it is cause I'm beat up from all this "social interation" with these crazy chicks in vegas.

 

[Latinoman]

There is not such thing as a soulmate.

Soulmate is a term that was invented for the purpose of either getting women to believe she has the man of her life or for the purpose of selling chocolates and flowers.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

As much as I loathe quoting myself, this is actually a primary point in my book (which is in edits now BTW):

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of 'special someones' out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who's remarried after their soulmate has died or moved on.

Stop trying to find the ONE out there for you. I about puke everytime I hear the mealy-mouthed voice of that Focus on the Family "Doctor" on the eHarmony commercials playing on stupid women's (and too many men's) fears of never finding security by advertising that they'll find your soul-mate with their 40 question pop-psychology personality test. Blecgh,..! There has never been a more damaging mass-psychosis in the history of humanity than the personal limitations and retardation in maturity that is self-inflicted from people swallowing this soul-mate garbage. But then again I guess no one would get paid to write sappy pop-love songs, produce 'romantic comedies', or write self-help books if people could see through myths like this.


This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of; that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it's course we'll know that we're 'intended' for each other. And while this may sell a lot of romance novels it's hardly a realistic way to plan your life. I've been married for 9 years and I love my wife dearly, but I know damn well were I to die that she'd marry another suitable guy a few years later. I had a friend commit suicide after 2 kids and 20 years of marriage, because he thought exactly like this; she was the ONE and he couldn't go on without her and she even bought this for the first 17 or so years. This woman started dating a millionaire 3 months after he was buried and married this guy a year later and you know what she tells my wife to this day? He's the ONE. So, you can sing songs about her (or him) and how you are each other's sun and moon, but in the harsh daylight of reality, we all do exactly what our conditions demand from us.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped in the area of intersexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn't 'someone for everyone' or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false. It's just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. And what's more ironic is that personally I have a very strong belief in God and yet don't entertain for a second that anything is predestined or that there isn't a whole world of people out there that could just as easily be a 'perfect match' for me in any given circumstance.

OK that's the Soul Mate Myth, but I should stress the point that I stated there are some good Ones and there are some Bad Ones, but thereis no ONE. There are some good Ones out there and Ones that you can spend a lifetime with, but it's time to take this idea out of some ethereal, idealistic realm of star-crossed lovers finding the ONE that fate has intended them for and see this for what it is - good compatibility.

I think characterizing a woman as the Perfect Mate comes too close to this idealizing her. All you do is remove the pie-in-the-sky romanticism, but you still cling to the basic idealization. It's important to understand that what you'd consider the Perfect Mate at 22 will be drastically different from when you're 42, and this is just one easy illustration of many conditions that will change your priorities and criteria for the perfect mate.