Something to ponder:Self-Esteem & Confidence's effect on infatuation.

[Francisco d'Anconia]

We can agree that besides having attractive qualities, confidence is very important. We can also agree that having healthy self esteem enhances ones confidence. We've seen guys that may not have attractive qualities, but have enough self esteem that they are confident enough to appear attractive (at least to some).

So in observing those with and without that confidence I've noticed something very interesting. With that, I've been mulling around this hypothesis:

1. People who think they are attractive are more resistant to love or infatuation and likely to be more selective.
2. People with low self-esteem or low confidence are more susceptible to love or infatuation.
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   Before explaining how I personally came to this opinion, I'd like to know what you guys think about this hypothesis and explain why. I think it will bring forth some incite that may help the affliction "One-itis."

 

[Sart]

Good theory

Yeah,

I feel you are dead on with that analogy. A confident man is not in a rush to get an LTR, let alone married, because that can all happen in good time. Infatuation is basically a fear of not EVER being able to get or keep a chick because she is iireplaceable. Well, really, we all know that there are always other fish in the sea.

If you look at it closely, yes, a bloke who is trying to hunt down that elusive LTR is simply trying to "avoid" being dateless. He NEVER has to worry about looking unwanted or un dateable because he is married. A bloke who can pick up a chick every week has a greater fear of being tied down.

Yeah, I am with you dude.

 

[AlwaysExcel]

I took this cool girl out last weekend. She summed it up perfectly. She said she wants a guy to WANT her, not NEED her. It makes her feel kinda used when a guy needs her. She also said it's tiring when he's not bringing anything to the relationship but sucking energy from her.

I think it all goes back to validation. When you need validation, you fixate on high value people. It's tricky though. I feel like I've come a long way in my inner game. However, I had some oneitis feelings for this girl I mentioned. I felt fear of messing up and losing her. It's one thing to fixate on a girl because she's hot and gives you attention. It's quite another to fixate when she's got a bunch of qualities and interests that are really rare. For example, if everyone in your town likes country music and you found a hot girl who likes industrial goth like you. She would be high value and it would be a more realistic value assessment because it's not just based on looks, which are a dime a dozen.

STILL, when I find myself feeling that familar fear of messing up with a particular girl, I talk myself through it and regain my frame of mind. I work on balancing my view (there are other cool chicks, however rare), focus on my value, and work on my outer game. You HAVE to have a strong frame of mind. Period.

 

[TheInfamousCBear]

I might like one particular girl, but then I get tired of her cause I want to stay single...Mainly because anything can happen at any time and I want to keep options open...

 

[deepraj]

Yeah spot on mate! Just reading that post from the poor fool who is desperate for a girlfriend highlights this. If you are confident and happy with yourself and where your life is going a girlfriend is a nice addition to your life not a necessity.
It is so important to sort out your inner game and confidence first making your life/hobbies a priority. I just can wait till I get this sorted out!

Deepraj

 

[jakethasnake]

Solid. I totally agree.


This (one-itis, infatuation) usually happens because people value what the other person has, and usually lacks him/herself. This can be anything - looks, status, fashion sense, personality, money, power - or a combination of those.

 

[frivolousz21]

Thats a winner

go crazy folks go crazy!

 

[MrCode]

I 100% agree...

This is definitely true and I have seen it in personal experience. I have not ever had a bad case of one-itis, and in fact lately I've become really indifferent about women. This is because I've been improving myself (especially the inner game), and my confidence is quite high.

I have one girl who is practically throwing herself at me and my first reaction is to pull back and let her know I'm not ready to get serious. She isn't exactly what I want anyhow.

Now whether I'll keep this attitude when I find "that" girl is hard to say. I think I'll be good though because of the solid inner game I've built (plus I live in an area with a lot of attractive women, so I don't feel any scarcity.)

Now as a counter-example my roommate is pretty desperate and he tells things to this girl he met at work that just make my stomach turn. She is at best a 6 and he practically had to beg (actually he did beg) to get sex from her. It seems she is pretty much a hor anyhow and she has an 8 year-old kid (but is only 28 herself.) Of course he is riding high on cloud 9 now because he actually has some puzzy, but she isn't really all that eager and is mostly using him for attention and ego-boosting from what I can see. When she inevitably leaves his self-esteem will crash again and he'll go back to trying to make my life miserable. I can see it from miles away but if I tried to tell him this he would just attack me, so I leave him in his ignorance which will inevitably lead to misery.

 

[Desdinova]

I very much agree. It's interesting how I quit experiencing infatuation. I must say that when I was AFC, infatuation was a wonderful feeling, but it ended up fizzling out as my confidence and self-esteem grew.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You got it right. In a nutshell, combating "one-itis" is a hell of a lot easier when you work on building up your resistance to it. Simply focus on yourself, building your self esteem and confidence and before you know it, you will stop being susceptible to one-itis.

Another good side effect is that when you feel that YOU deserve better, you work on your qualifying skills, again bolstering your resistance to one-itis. This can only happen when you focus on yourself first and stop reacting to women and start acting purposely.