something special comes along...

[thirdtimescharm]

While we can all agree that it is possible given the right environment to see hundreds of very attractive women every day, what happens more rarely is when one of those women looks at you at the same time you see her and things just click. I'm sure, just as often, when you start talking, things sometimes don't progress, and while that initial physical attraction is a great starting point, it doesn't always lead anywhere.

That said, I experienced this "moment" on Friday night. While I did not approach immediately (another female friend arrived at the bar moments after I did), my "target" soon was walking out the door with her friends, and I lightly touched her as she walked by (we were already looking at each other) and asked playfully where she was going. She said she was just going outside for a bit, and upon her return, she stopped and we proceeded to chat for about an hour...or more. Our friends pretty much had to make due without us.

So when she told me she had to leave, I asked if I could see her again and she said yes, and we exchanged information. I told her I would phone her Monday and after some discussion about schedules (She is a divorced mom with two kids, which does not bother me at all), I told her we could have dinner on Wednesday.

Now, I am currently involved with another woman who I met in May who lives 5 hours away, and we have spend two weekends with each other since. This is a good and positive relationship, and I was not actively looking for anything else. I've also got two other "plates" spinning on the east coast, and even had another woman who I had dinner with on Thursday come back to my place for some PG rated fun. That was a one time thing, as we had met on match.com months ago, and we met face to face Thursday for the first time. She showed herself to have low self esteem and I can see her neediness quite plainly, and won't let it go any further than the friend zone at this point.

So I'm obviously living in a state of abundance, as far as I am concerned, and I have no idea how things might progress with this new woman. That said, there was something in that "moment" and in the ensuing conversation which turned on my "I'm a romantic" gene. Can there be "love at first sight?" Personally, I know there is lust at first sight, but I don't think I've ever had a long term relationship (and I've been married twice) where I was potentially more into the woman than she was into me. I've rarely ever been broken up with. These things have almost always been my decision. I've also never had my heart broken, as the few times when a woman has declined to see my past a date or two, I really wasn't emotionally invested yet. Can my heart be broken? I'm not sure.

So guys, is this just an emotion I need to shake off and add the new woman to the queue? Obviously, one key difference is she is local. I'm not even sure if I want something local (I was divorced back in April and have focused on self improvement since the separation started last August, but these changes have put me in a position to now go for what I want), but I still can't get her out of my head. She was pretty much, head to toe, physically speaking, my own personal HB10.

I spent last night out at a street fair with friends, trying to find other temptations. Hundreds of beautiful woman were about, yet I felt no interest in approaching any of them (ok, there was one, but she was with a guy). Still, I know that ONE woman is not going to change my life. Only I can do that.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Dude,

Am I reading this right?

Hunker down thirtimescharm, maybe I've been reading too much Doc Love lately.....

but it looks like smackdown time.

You've been married 2x.

The ink is barely dry on your divorce papers (April) and you say you met "the one" Friday night at a bar.

To answer your question...yes, shake off your emotion.

Actually I wouldn't recommend dating at all for a couple of more months 'til you get your head on straight.

 

[Interceptor]

Depends if you only want a physical FB situation. IF you dont know anything about her personality and values, then dont go assuming she will be something special.If youre being satisfied by only physical relationships, then it doesnt matter.
But if youre freaked out by your feelings, and trying to justify them as irrational, you have some growing up to do. In addition, to the above mentioned 'pedastlizing' her when you dont really know her.
its ok to want to love and be in love and be loved. Really, its ok.
But dont go jumping the gun with this woman.
I know you arent used to the female attention, so try to gain some proper perspective.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Dude,


The ink is barely dry on your divorce papers (April) and you say you met "the one" Friday night at a bar.

To answer your question...yes, shake off your emotion.

Actually I wouldn't recommend dating at all for a couple of more months 'til you get your head on straight.

Did I say "the one?" Ok, maybe what I mean to say was that I've met one that struck me as something more than the others I've crossed path's with in the last 11 months. I have consciously slowed things down since the divorce was final to gain some perspective, after months of guerrilla dating.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Depends if you only want a physical FB situation. IF you dont know anything about her personality and values, then dont go assuming she will be something special.If youre being satisfied by only physical relationships, then it doesnt matter.
But if youre freaked out by your feelings, and trying to justify them as irrational, you have some growing up to do. In addition, to the above mentioned 'pedastlizing' her when you dont really know her.
its ok to want to love and be in love and be loved. Really, its ok.
But dont go jumping the gun with this woman.
I know you arent used to the female attention, so try to gain some proper perspective.

Actually, I am used to female attention. I pretty much can get it whenever I go out and make myself available. The problem is, most of it is unwanted, since most women are not worth it. I've paid a steep price to learn this. As far as "pedestalizing" this new one, I will admit to thinking she is more worthy of my time than the typical. Beyond just her looks, the discussion we had was adult, honest, intelligent, and positive. I'm not freaked out by my feelings, I'm just attempting to learn from them. As far as jumping the gun, I have a dinner planned...nothing more. If it goes well, we'll hopefully see each other again.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

I am coming from a different perspective.

I have been divorced for a number of years.....been in and out of relationships, guerilla dated, almost remarried, spun plates, etc. all kinds of stuff (BTW guerilla dating is rough on your wallet, unless you get THEM to pay hehehehe)

You don't fall in love at first sight. Never ever. Not in my book. No, the woman needs to PROVE herself. And its based far more on looks and personality, which is the wrapping you received Friday night. Now its time to open the gift and check the warranty.

More importantly, if she is as hot as you say she is, and you don't hold your emotions in check I am sure that you will scare her away almost IMMEDIATELY. I've had relationships with HB9's and 10's moms, gran-ma's - they need their space. The hotter they are, the more space they need - ask any of the DJs on here. As a general rule they have a lot going on, shuffling kids to soccer practice, deal with the ex, etc etc. You know the drill. They can smell a guy who is desperate and who doesn't have a life of his own (kids, family, friends, hobbies) Instantly. At our age they are friggin' pros.

Single moms have a lot going on, and they need their space. You do too, my friend.

Weave her in, but learn to be single and enjoy it.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I think our perspectives are actually pretty similar. I backed off on the guerrilla dating for exactly that reason...and especially once I learned that same, if not better results could be achieved by spending very little. That said, those results are almost exclusively physical...I still have not made a leap into any kind of a relationship that I would say I was fully emotionally invested-self protection on my part, since I have had no intention of getting married again...possibly, ever.

However, I would not categorically turn down a truly satisfying emotional and physical relationship with a high quality woman should I meet one. Is this woman of high quality? I don't know the answer to that yet.

So..yes, this woman impressed me with her looks. And for an hour, she impressed me with what she said, and how she said it. If nothing else, months of guerrilla dating gave me a broader perspective on what women think. I'd like to believe I am a reasonably intelligent person, and can see the difference between a high and low quality woman fairly easily. Of course, I could still fall into a trap, and that is why I posted here...so you guys can help me see another perspective. And for that, I thank you all for responding.


Also, I think I am keeping things in check as far as how I am moving forward with her...We met on Friday, and I stated there would be no contact until Monday, with a dinner plan for Wednesday. We already established a connection (and her telling me she hasn't had sex for a long time is music to my ears, and she also told me as far as guys go, she prefers guys she dates to NOT have kids of their own, so I've got that covered as well), and all I need to do now is move it carefully along.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

"I would not categorically turn down a truly satisfying emotional and physical relationship with a high quality woman should I meet one."

I like your responses, thirdtime, but OUCH.

Relationship?

Again, this is tough love from a fellow DJ, but go ahead and have a "relationship".

See you back in three years...your new handle name will be "fourthtime." I would even put a case of Budsicles on it.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Ok Andy, you just keep calling me on my terminology. What should I call it then, if not a relationship? A dalliance? While I am having a whatever with this possibility, I'm still also keeping things spinning with my FWB who is five hours away, and also have my east coast plates spinning away. I also played kissy face with two women friends last night at a street fest (the second saw me making out with the first, and after the first left, the second was all over me). I think I'm gonna be ok.

I have a friend who told me if I ever tell him I am getting married again, he is going to shoot me in the back of the head.

However, this same guy, who I would say -was- as good of DJ as I have ever known, has been in a "relationship" with the same woman now for over two years. He called me up last week and said that he broke it off, ostensibly because of the "sameness" (even though he said the sex was good and twisted, the trips were all dutch, and she never gave him a hard time about anything). They both have kids from previous marriages. In any case, I talked to him a week later, and he said he caved in FOUR hours later. The wimp!

 

[darkme_legendary]

For both of you, the best advice that you will ever get: Let go of the past!
Good luck!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Hundreds of beautiful woman were about, yet I felt no interest in approaching any of them (ok, there was one, but she was with a guy). Still, I know that ONE woman is not going to change my life.

This statement here is precisely why you're NOT in a state of abundance. It's not a question of determining how 'special' this next ONE is, it's about seeing your own motives in how many other women you called 'special' who aren't now. To the starving man, a cracker is filet mignon.

Don't think that your limiting yourself makes you unique, nor your desire to do so makes a woman unique. Beware of making your necessity a virtue.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

I'll supply the bullets, man

:trouble:

All kidding aside based on your posts it sounded like you were already planning on buying the pizzas for her kids next birthday bash.

My "ex" is case in point I would like to bring up. Like your new pal, on the surface to this day she has a perfect personality and when she gets her bar game going she can look like the best of them. But look under the hood...wow.

I was young when we met. Much wiser now, I try not to make the same mistake 2x. One post -div relationship, great lady, out of work at the time (i.e. vulnerable) porked her 2 or 3 times, then "I love you" from her, then about a month in after that I noticed the giant piles of lotto tickets in her kitchen.

......See ya wouldn't wanna be ya.

All I'm saying - just go slow. I remember I was vulnerable (and didn't think I was) until about 2 yrs after my divorce then things started to really click. Since then I have had a string of great g/f's just ....circumstances ended things (I travel a lot).

Hopefully she's as cool as you say and gets physical quickly but doesn't get too attached. Stepparenting can be a *****.

 

[Warrior74]

All I'm saying - just go slow. I remember I was vulnerable (and didn't think I was) until about 2 yrs after my divorce

A lot of us in the MM forum don't realise exactly that point. I had a few girls in those first 2 years try to rush me into exclusive relationships. They weren't the best candidates and I think they smelled the weakness and tried to lock me down before I got my feet under me. Thank god I found things like fast seduction and this forum or I probably would have been in misery right now.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

This statement here is precisely why you're NOT in a state of abundance. It's not a question of determining how 'special' this next ONE is, it's about seeing your own motives in how many other women you called 'special' who aren't now. To the starving man, a cracker is filet mignon.

Don't think that your limiting yourself makes you unique, nor your desire to do so makes a woman unique. Beware of making your necessity a virtue.

Ok Rollo, I get your point. But personally, I don't always go out with the need to be running any game, or getting any numbers. As I said previously, I have a number of irons already cooking, and I need to leave time for ME without always dealing with women who want some of my time and energy. As it was that evening, there was a band playing that I wanted to see, and adding more women to the stable was not a priority.

 

[thedeparted]

I backed off on the guerrilla dating for exactly that reason...

personally, I don't recommend dating guerrillas

 

[thirdtimescharm]

To put the exclamation point on this:

I just got off the phone with this "special" woman. After exchanging some pleasantries about the weekend, I said let's talk about Wednesday. And she immediately launched into "I just started dating someone and want to see where it goes." Now, I know you guys are going to say I did or said something which displayed neediness, but I KNOW that is not the case.

She did offer that she would keep my number if things don't work out. I said good luck to her, good luck to the guy and after making a joke about the circumstances of our meeting, and how rare it was (something very unique for both of us), sayonara.

Obviously, if she were to call, the burden of proving herself will be quite large (I know, I know, as it always should be). I'm not holding my breath, and believe it or not, nor do I care. I'm just glad that the ordeal is past and I have learned something--no matter how physically attractive they are to me, no matter how good that initial chemistry happens to be, they aren't special until they prove it.

Next.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Hopefully she's as cool as you say and gets physical quickly but doesn't get too attached. Stepparenting can be a *****.

Good reminder here, Andy. The one woman I am seeing 5 hours away has two kids. I went down there for a weekend and the kids were sent to Daddy. I never saw them, and we just porked like dolphins for two days. Then she came up here the next month and left the kids at home. Same deal. Perfect situation, really.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's not a question of determining how 'special' this next ONE is, it's about seeing your own motives in how many other women you called 'special' who aren't now.

The prosecution rests it's case.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Third Times Charm,
I breathed a hearty sigh of relief when I read that last mail,seems like you found a Lady who wants a man to place her golden handcuffs on,someone,anyone.She's no fool she had you sorted out as vulnerable right from word go,you showed reticence and she moved on......Mate you are just headed for the same mistakes again unless you redefine yourself,and probably her too...I've been there done that and please this is not in any way critical...As a possibility date girls from different ethnic groups or differing cultures or interests for a while...

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Dear Third Times Charm,
I breathed a hearty sigh of relief when I read that last mail,seems like you found a Lady who wants a man to place her golden handcuffs on,someone,anyone.She's no fool she had you sorted out as vulnerable right from word go,you showed reticence and she moved on......Mate you are just headed for the same mistakes again unless you redefine yourself,and probably her too...I've been there done that and please this is not in any way critical...As a possibility date girls from different ethnic groups or differing cultures or interests for a while...

I'm still not feeling I showed any vulnerability to her, but I will accept that is possible that I was unable to see it.

I did see one girl from a different ethic group. Now, I'm not entirely sure why you say I should do this, but she was NEEDY as any woman I have known and even though she was a wild one in bed, I had to cut her loose.

I am working hard on redefining myself and as I have posted in this forum before, the bulk of my time these days has been spent on self-improvement, and I will continue to work towards that goal as a first priority.