Something off my chest...

[Dante3214]

This year was fantastic for the most part.


It's been the best year of my entire life... and the only thing that has changed is me.


Thanks to people who care, and this website too, I've gone a long way.



But... I just have to admit the things that went HORRIBLY HORRIBLY wrong. The things that I feel so terribly bad about...


here's something I typed in another thread


"I always seem to be CONSTANTLY reminding myself that "I am not such a child as I feel".

My old, extremely insecure (social phobic) self is pretty much close to dead. But this year, a girl actually tried to be friendly with me, way more than once, and I couldn't bring up the nerve to do anything. I tried sooo hard just to leave a good impression, and there were many times that I came through ("you know you've changed, you've been talking a lot more), but the end result was that of bitter dissapointment. "


Let me explain what went on...


At the start of the year, I was sick of my entire fvcking life and everything in it and my judgements and what I was thinking and EVERYTHING! It had always been painful and my skin starts to hurt when I'm nervous and there was about a 2-3 year period when I rarely looked anyone in the eye. My stepfather thinks I'm a liar too... I was skinny and broken and short and ugly (at least I thought... but it changed very quickly!). I wanted to die so much but I kept holding on. I rationalized all my dreams away, but I never did it. It seemed that sitting with the pain was more deserved than dieing was.

So I adopted a nothing-to-lose attitude and quickly started to work against my phobia. I can't say whether my progress was great or not, but I have definitely changed. Once I told people what my problem was, most of them were really supportive and were wonderful friends.

During this period, I happened across a very extroverted girl who I met entirely on accident...

There was a time when I went to breakfast (to attempt to socialize), and I ended up reading out of pure exhaustion and stress.

She (unfortunately for me), noticed me sitting there and sat in a seat near mine.

I was already worn out, and now I was having a panic attack!...

I wanted so bad just to smile and say Hi but I felt so bad I could feel my stomach clenching in painfully.

Ya know what? All the details really don't matter, from the start of the year at least, let's fast forward...


Alright, I have done pretty well for myself. I now have "pretty hazel eyes and long eyelashes" and I'm "cute". Woopee, and I can be really funny when I'm in a good mood!


Oh but wait! I have an Achilles(sp?) Heel!


For some strange goddamn reason, my mood changes whenever I would think about talking to her.

Instead of my usual odd (and delightfully loud) selfthat I had been slowly growing accustomed to, my old thinking blocks (due to fear/anxiety) would kick in, and my spontaneity(sp?..) would dissapear.

Now don't get me wrong here, there were many other girls I liked. But for some reason... I just liked her more.

note: I frequently fall in love, just not desperately, with almost every girl I laugh with, which might explain my eyes

When I was joking around (obnoxiously) with a friend of mine, I started to talk about a recent flirtatious encounter of mine whom I had grown to like, and someone else managed to hear about this.

He brought the the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing up a few days after and I had modestly tried to avoid the subject.

The girl I liked, me, and a few other people were sitting in a circle that day. After he brought it up, the girl I liked said that this one asian dude was the only guy in this group with a girlfriend... the one who had overheard me said that I had a girlfriend after he noticed my silence on the issue.

I was embarrased and didn't know what to do... and it went like this.

Her: Oh you have a girlfriend! Does she have black hair?
Me (throat locking, and vision is blurry, turning red too, can't think): She's blonde.... (she was)...


You can imagine how I felt after that...



The was more to it than all that, much, much more but the main gist is...

"I had many chances and I blew it, and I don't feel right about it, How the fvck can I get over this? Cause it seems like I can't forget her."


I'm never like this, I've never been one to get "oneitis" or anything close.

I've always been able to shrug off hurt. But this one sticks with me...

Maybe it's because I always doubted myself but people always saw me in a different light, and I guess she did too. That really hurts...

"You never know just how you look through other people's eyes"


Any Advice? I want to start next year as clean as possible...

 

[VIVAlasVEGASBaby]

First off, i doubt anyone else will reply to this simply because it's so long. Just a quick tip: if you want advice then you should keep your post nice and pithy!

It sounds to me that you're putting on the "act". Please tell me if i'm wrong so i can give you some other advice. But i think that deep down you're pretty insecure about yourself because of this girl that you keep thinking about. AND to compensate for that insecurity you "act" happy and funny and confident on the outside. That's why when you talk to a girl that you care about, you FREEZE.

Because ANYONE can act charming around people he doesn't give a crap about; the true measure of your confidence is your ability to act the same around everyone you talk to. Hot, ugly, nice, funny, mean, blue, red: it doesn't matter. You treat everyone the same because it's WHO YOU ARE.

Don't try to be superman or rico suave. Just try to be you. Trust me, i've spent far too much time trying to be someone i wasn't and it got me no where. Unfortunately, I can't give you any advice that'll boost your ego to the sky because this is about YOUR growth, and growth takes time.

Try to take yourself a little less seriously and give yourself some focus. Make a goal to get straight A+s or to gain 50 pounds of muscle. It doesn't matter what it is but get yourself onto some path toward a goal. Try to find your passion and expand your interests. Add some depth to your personality and character.

Like i said growth takes time and ultimately its something you have to experience on your own. Just be patient and do your best to stay positive. Life is all in the mindset.

 

[WC2]

First off, i doubt anyone else will reply to this simply because it's so long. Just a quick tip: if you want advice then you should keep your post nice and pithy!

It sounds to me that you're putting on the "act". Please tell me if i'm wrong so i can give you some other advice. But i think that deep down you're pretty insecure about yourself because of this girl that you keep thinking about. AND to compensate for that insecurity you "act" happy and funny and confident on the outside. That's why when you talk to a girl that you care about, you FREEZE.

Because ANYONE can act charming around people he doesn't give a crap about; the true measure of your confidence is your ability to act the same around everyone you talk to. Hot, ugly, nice, funny, mean, blue, red: it doesn't matter. You treat everyone the same because it's WHO YOU ARE.

Don't try to be superman or rico suave. Just try to be you. Trust me, i've spent far too much time trying to be someone i wasn't and it got me no where. Unfortunately, I can't give you any advice that'll boost your ego to the sky because this is about YOUR growth, and growth takes time.

Try to take yourself a little less seriously and give yourself some focus. Make a goal to get straight A+s or to gain 50 pounds of muscle. It doesn't matter what it is but get yourself onto some path toward a goal. Try to find your passion and expand your interests. Add some depth to your personality and character.

Like i said growth takes time and ultimately its something you have to experience on your own. Just be patient and do your best to stay positive. Life is all in the mindset.

Could not have said it better myself. Keep up the good work, but don't try to put on an act. It's ok to improve yourself, but don't CHANGE yourself just for that one girl. Change for yourself if anything. Girls can read phoniness like the back of their hand, even if you're good at it.