Somebody put me in my place please!

[Phoenixx]

Heya,

Been a long time viewer of these forums for awhile and have to say there is some really great stuff here, However I need a bit of advice as I think im messing up my life at the moment!

Simply put...i think I have trust and control issues...I don't want to have them but they are there and I can't seem to shake them off. About 3 years ago i split up with a girl who I married and was with for 7 years until she cheated on me with my best friend at the time. The whole event practically destroyed me and left me with very little trust for anything female.

Anyway I joined a gym...lost some weight, gained muscle & confidence etc and just played the field until I met my current gf who I have been with now for just over a year. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself go head over heels again with another girl but things fell into place and we had for what i thought the longest time was a healthy relationship.

However since we have been in this relationship the following has happened:-

I no longer go to the gym, I eat ****, moved back in with my parents, see my gf up until a few months ago pretty much 6 days a week, dont have a job anymore, dont spend time with friends, no hobbies that i do anymore.

my girlfriend has done pretty much the same and I don't seem to be able to go back to my single lifestyle (minus women) while being in a heavy relationship. We both stay in usually and if she gets invited out my brain and my gut tells me she will be messing around with other guys, which is weird because when we first got together I couldnt of cared less.

I love this girl so much but I don't think this relationship is healthy but I think it would mess me up to see her with another guy but at the same ytime im not sure how to change with her in my life as she is the crutch I always rely on instead of sorting my own **** out. Just dunno what to do really?

Thanks for reading this im sure you've heard it all before lol.

 

[Alle_Gory]

You're in a relationship and you've entered the comfort zone of death. You're lazy, putting on weight, and generally just not trying anymore.

And she may not be messing around with other guys right now, but I guarantee you that she is at least thinking about it so it will happen.


Stop being so available, and do your own thing. Become a self-sufficient and independent person again.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

If you don't maintain your 'single lifestyle' in terms of health and activities, you'll soon be single.

Which would you prefer?

 

[Phoenixx]

Yeah you guys are right..i will push myself as hard as I can to change but I always seem to run back to the comfort zone (her) after a week or so.

I have another question....two weeks ago she went out with a friend and the day after I asked if she got chatted up....she said "no" and i said yes you did and then she admitted that one had but only briefly! I then questioned her about it more and she said that she had talked to him about 10-15 mins as she was bored, she said tehy both talked about their partners and how they would never cheat? but nothing happened.

Later that night we have sex and at the end she starts crying and says she doesnt know why, I then persist more and she is upset because she talked to that guy even tho she knew I would be upset but she still presists that nothing happened and can't believe that I couldn't trust her????

My question is...is she bull****ting me? or is it just my mind playing tricks? was 2 weeks ago and I haven't seen any signs since! Sex has been regular, affection same, contact same? maybe im reading too much into it or not? Thanks again.

 

[Pierce]

Yeah you guys are right..i will push myself as hard as I can to change but I always seem to run back to the comfort zone (her) after a week or so.

I have another question....two weeks ago she went out with a friend and the day after I asked if she got chatted up....she said "no" and i said yes you did and then she admitted that one had but only briefly! I then questioned her about it more and she said that she had talked to him about 10-15 mins as she was bored, she said tehy both talked about their partners and how they would never cheat? but nothing happened.

Later that night we have sex and at the end she starts crying and says she doesnt know why, I then persist more and she is upset because she talked to that guy even tho she knew I would be upset but she still presists that nothing happened and can't believe that I couldn't trust her????

My question is...is she bull****ting me? or is it just my mind playing tricks? was 2 weeks ago and I haven't seen any signs since! Sex has been regular, affection same, contact same? maybe im reading too much into it or not? Thanks again.

She wouldnt be crying if she didn't cheat on you my friend. You need to let her know wassup.

 

[Phoenixx]

She wouldnt be crying if she didn't cheat on you my friend. You need to let her know wassup.

I've asked her several times and she promises she hasn't. How can i make her confess?

 

[Pierce]

You can't. But you can't just break up with her just because you think she is cheating. What you need to do is catch her in the act or something. But just pretend everything is cool.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

In the mean time, regardless of whether or not she's cheating, she doesn't seem to be happy.

Now is a great time for you to get back into the single-life-type shape, because you may need it soon.

 

[Alle_Gory]

I've asked her several times and she promises she hasn't. How can i make her confess?

If you've come to the point where you have to make her spill her guts and you want revenge the relationship is over.

If you begin to question her sincerity and devotion to you, the relationship is over.

If you begin to question what the hell you are doing with your life, and what you're doing with this girl, the relationship is over.


Your feelings are not over, because feelings take a long time to fade. They haven't yet caught up to reality but they will.

 

[Kailex]

Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship?

So you can become complacent?

It almost seems like you just want to find someone to be with so you're not lonely. You did all the right things but as soon as the first person came along that would tolerate you in a relationship, you decided you could relax and not work on yourself anymore.

Wow.

You really need a reality check, and here it is:

You're fat, very few women are going to look at you the way they might have a year ago.

She's fat... all she needs is an internet connection.



Look, it's time to stop depending on women to be happy.
You basically listed a whole bunch of reasons to be pissed at YOURSELF.

Before you even can begin to work on your relationship, you need to work on yourself and that's where your insecurity is coming from. If you were in top shape, going out and having an active lifestyle, she'd be following in your footsteps. But now you've become her Saint of Security. You are fall back guy to her and even if her hair is short and her gut is a plenty, she'll find someone that'll bone her that ISN'T you.

You need to realize your insecurity doesn't stem from the women you are with, it's from YOU and the poor choices you are making.