Some WANT to change YOU.

[Kailex]

Had an experience recently where I went out with someone for a bit. At first, we both agreed that it wouldn't turn into anything serious, but as the weeks went on, I noticed she seemed to be aiming towards an LTR. Ever since my ONEITIS thread, I've been out of that game indefinitely. I'm NOT interested in one at all and as such, have just kept spinning plates.

This one was interesting in the fact that as time pressed on and noticed that my indifference to even TRY to become exclusive seemed to push her mentality into trying to change me and my view on being exclusive.

The one that didn't want to have any strings attached, suddenly wanted to become exclusive with me.

I politely declined wanting to do so to which she replied: Oh.

I told her that we were honest to each other from the beginning and I thought neither of us were looking to become that serious or attached to one another. Her response was: Well, I thought I could change your way of thinking and you'd slip out of that phase.

I told her that it wasn't a phase, it's my way of thinking, and that she obviously wasn't on the same page with me, that maybe we should just part ways.

Her response: OF COURSE, this ALWAYS happens to me, I begin to care for someone who could care less about me. I guess I'll never be good enough for anyone in my life.



I smiled, and walked away. I said nothing else and haven't heard from her since. Amazing, even if you're upfront about your intentions, they will TRY to change your way of thinking or who you are. And if they can't do it, they will victimize themselves in order to clear themselves of any responsibility or accountability.

It couldn't possibly be HER fault at all, right? At least, not in her mind.

Anyone ever had anything similar happen to them?

 

[5string]

Kailex....your actions took away her perceived "power". It's amazing. Almost every single female tries to change the dynamics of a relationship in some fashion, at some point. Then to justify what happens, it's usually "poor me, I'm not good enough". They do that to elicit a response to see what their next step should be. You didnt fall for it. Just smiled and walked away. I had a somewhat similar thing happen last night. There was a program on PBS that the wife and I like to watch. She was standing in the kitchen and I asked her if she wanted to sit with me in the other room and watch it. She said no as there is a register right there and we had the air on. Thus she would get cold. I didnt want to stand up, so I just went to the other room without her. She then just went upstairs, got into bed with some blankets and watched on her own. She didnt say anything to me at all. I ignored her and did what I wanted. She was all nice to me this AM. Always something huh? Oh, it was 75 degrees in the house. Go figure.

 

[Miles28]

Hi Kailex,

I'm in pretty much the same place as you, i.e dating but absolutely no intention of getting too involved with any one girl.

I have to say I haven't been as upfront as you and had a discussion at the beginning with any of these girls, saying that I just want to keep it casual. Then again I haven't told them that I want to be in a relationship with them or even that I'm not seeing other girls either.

Always after a couple of months they're pushing for a boyfriend and girlfriend type relationship. It sickens me when they start sending texts saying 'Hello darling', 'Hi honey', and it's not in a flirty way but in a kind of possessive way. By that point I've already lost any interest.

I think the vast majority of women are always going to end up doing this which is why these kinds of relationship are always going to have a limited life cycle and so you're constantly having to find more plates.

M

 

[Kailex]

What kills me about this particular case is that SHE brought up the conversation in the beginning about "not being serious".

I'm not usually THAT upfront with someone unless asked.
She asked, I answered, we agreed.

My guess was that she always was looking for a relationship but just went along with my proposal with the hopes of maybe changing my mind further down the line.

Otherwise, whenever a woman starts pushing for an LTR now, I back away. But this case was particular in that we were "honest" in the beginning but I guess in the end, I was the only one being truthful about my intentions while she had this dream challenge set into place where she could bring down the single "player" to earth and make him into the man she's hoping to mold.

 

[squirrels]

They all do, man.

If you don't want to be "exclusive", even if the reasons for not being so outweigh those for being so, eventually they will get frustrated and either hate you or hate themselves for not "making it work". Even if it was never meant to "work" in the first place.

The typical woman bases a big, big, BIG part of her self-esteem on whether she can "lock down" a man for herself. Moreso even than the AFC bases his self-esteem on his success with the ladies.

I can think of at least 2 or 3 girls who probably would've made "girlfriend" status with me if they could've just let go of their obsession with commitment. To them, it seems like a paradox...they feel like if they let go of the obsession, they're not worth a crap. But all it's ever done with me is push me away.

A girl who is eager to rush into "exclusivity" is one who just has low self-esteem. Period. Same goes for men. If you're eager to be "exclusive", it shows that you don't have confidence in yourself to be "worthwhile" to someone who is still technically "on the market".

If you can't compete, the best thing to do is try and secure a monopoly. Which is what most people do. Commitment should be a "natural" thing...it should be just you wanting to spend time particularly with one person, instead of with a bunch of different people. It's a preference thing, not a contract like 99% of people in this world try to make it.

The very term "exclusive" implies a kind of stingy greed, a fear-based and scarcity-based mentality.

 

[drak_ool]

Amazing, even if you're upfront about your intentions, they will TRY to change your way of thinking or who you are.

I had the EXACT same situation happen to me a couple years back. I was just coming out of a LTR and messing with a few girls left and right. I was always straight up with all of them: as soon as the "relationship" topic came up, I would let them know straight up that I wasn't interested in having a girlfriend.

I remember this one gorgeous chick I casually dated for a few months who totally went along with the whole thing in the beggining, even telling me she did not want a relationship herself, etc... By the end of it, I had to cut ties with her because she was so irritated and sad because I refused to get serious with her.

As in your situation, I'm pretty sure she went with the whole "let's not date" thing because she wanted me and she thought she could change my views. As far as her also saying she didn't want anything serious, I don't think it really reflected how she felt, she probably just said that not to look too clingy from the start.

 

[jophil28]

Kailex, if my experiemces are are guide, then you are indeed fortunate that you were not the one who caught "feelings" for her and sought exclusivity .
THat is a one way trip to misery.

 

[Warrior74]

What are yall complaining about! LOL. That's a key component of my game!

I tell them upfront I will probably never get married, and that I don't want a girlfriend I just want to have fun. If she's interested it never fails that they work like hell (i.e. fvck me like a pornstar) to change my mind. I know that after a couple of weeks or months it will dawn on them that I was actually telling the truth and out comes the long knives of guilt trips, shaming, game playing, extreme clinginess, stalking, cheating or just leaving.

Honest game is the worst on them...because you never lied...they lied to themselves.

The first girl I did this on was by accident. I had just gotten out of my LTR and was missing my ex and my daughter terribly. I started dating a girl and I told her point blank that emotionally I was a wreck (bad move) and that I did not want to put my heart in anything right now (good move). Fast forward 4 months and she's demanding that I be her boyfriend. When I told her I wasn't over my ex, she ended up sleeping with a different guy the next day, she made sure I saw him come over to her place. I found out later that she had been complaining to friends for a while that I wouldn't commit and this guy had been trying hard to get her. It tore me up (I was still a chump on the inside), and then between my ex and this girl, it made me grow cold and hard. I saw that she really didn't care about my emotional state and my depression and how I felt, she only cared about what she wanted, and so did my ex. And so did most women that I had dated. I did a lot of soul searching behind that one and learned the hard way that emotions have to be dealt with and put aside and stop listening to females and stick to my guns.

Now I pimp that sh1t for all its worth.

 

[jophil28]

I saw that she really didn't care about my emotional state and my depression and how I felt, she only cared about what she wanted, and so did my ex. And so did most women that I had dated.

Now you've done it - you let the cat out of the bag.
You will be the subject of hateful posts over at LS where you will be branded as " insecure, immature, a bitter misogynist .."

( I may have left out one or more of their standard favorite barbs, but you all get the idea )

 

[Warrior74]

Now you've done it - you let the cat out of the bag.
You will be the subject of hateful posts over at LS where you will be branded as " insecure, immature, a bitter misogynist .."

( I may have left out one or more of their standard favorite barbs, but you all get the idea )

LOL. I'll take that! I'll be insecure, immature, a bitter misogynist ... but I tell ya this...I'm happier now than I've been in years!

 

[jophil28]

... but I tell ya this...I'm happier now than I've been in years!

Curiously. that personal state is what pisses 'em off the most.

Women seem to be antagonistic and critical of a man's emotional state, whatever that may be .
If you are depressed or down in the dumps, you are regarded as a loser and will be used and discarded , but if you are happy in 'singledom' and show no willingness or eagerness to be tied down to an LTR , you are labeled a 'comittment phobe' and an 'immature 'player'.

Ya gotta laugh at women's ability to distort situations to extract and level blame and fault at men. Funny creatures.

 

[spider_007]

Keep in mind too, is that people grow on each other. If avery time you see a girl, she gives you couple mind blowing orgasams, eventualy you'll develop some sort of feelings for her (it's how our brains works - it assosiates things). It's more pomenet with women because they are more in touch with their emotions. So it might not be that she started the relationship with the intent to change you, but rather developed those feelings little later into the relationship. It's why it's recomended that you don't see/talk to your fvck buddy more then twice a week.

 

[Kailex]

The sex was good, but will NOT be missed severely.
I was NOT looking to keep it on a permanent basis at all.

Funny, because had I NOT said anything, she probably would have said the same thing ANYWAY.

I'm used to women trying to change the way I dress, or the way I talk, or the music I hear, but I had never an experience with a woman trying to change my point of view on NOT being exclusive.

Have I become a bitter misogynist too?
Will I get banned on Loveshack within 5 seconds if I post this there too?