so yea, i ****ed up...

[Parti_Cl.e]

i'm going to post an ongoing dilema that i am having, i am not realy expecting a solution, i guess i just need other peoples' opinions. past few months this has been a realy touchy subject for me and after a good friend of mine [hjsknksbm aka joe] introduced me to this site i thought for a while before posting on here. But here I am posting this cause i dont think it will hurt...i guess.


before i go into any details, i am going to tell ya few things about myself:

i'm definatly not yer average guy, i am VERY down to earth, but at the same time i think very highly of myself...but unlike with most people that never let that interfeer w/ being down-to-earth. turbulent life caused me to develop few personalities, its not like MPS where i would randomly snap and become "another person", its more along the lines that i have few COMPLETLY different groups of friends (whitch rage GREATLY) and those friends know me as mostly a different person - anything from my name and age to the way i dress/act when i'm with them. i never looked my age, i always looked much older so the croud i hung out with was mostly (except school) 4-10 years older then me. Hi, my name is evan. i'm 18. I have a muscular build with desent amount of unwanted pounds. i weigh around 240lbs. I have brown eyes and brown 1.1/4" hair. My hobies and intrests range greatly, anything from raves and trancendental meditation to network security(IT) and adrenaline filled artforms such as graffiti and streetracing. I am very social person, I LOVE PEOPLE, BEING AROUND PEOPLE, DEALING WITH PEOPLE. I do have random anisocial episodes at times. I have a job that is considered very questionable, but no too many people know about it. I never had a "real" job. I own a network security upstart company whitch hasnt been getting any attantion latly. I do not have a stable home. My finantial situation is a rather bad one right now. Recently i lost my brand new car due to inability to make payments. I get layed regulary by different women. Sex currently is rather unintresting topic for me. People seem to like me alot. I make friends fast and easy. I am an inteligent person, i can keep a conversation about any topic.

wheh! i think i mentioned most of things that someone might want to know about me...i think i prolly included too much information but that so it would be easier for the reader to understand my problem better if i give more info about myself.


I'm gona include some history first in the post below

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

history

k, so i met this girl at school. we played hakeysack every lunch. i suck at hakysack. she kills at hakisack. so for 2-3mo we played hakeysack with couple of kids. i think on the 3rd mo i met her in the holway and i tolled her that we should kickit some time. she agreed. i dont remember where we hung out first. i remember calling her once (i think that was the first time i called her) and i talked to her sister for like 5 minutes thinking it was her....and her thinking that i was "steve" (cause my name ["e"] gets interpreted differently...especialy over the phone).

hen there is a big blank.

Some were within that big blank i figured out that katie was the awsomest girl i have ever met! for once i met a person taht could think on my wavelength. a person that i didnt need to simplify every single one of my thoughts in order to succesfully comunicate with them...whitch inturn makes/made me stupider everytime i did the simplification prosess. it was amazing! i was in heaven. now thinking about it carefuly...i think i senced that in her when i first saw her...but i guess till this day i denied that thot its existence.
anyway...**** came and gone, my best friend got killed w/ his gf and their unborn baby. then came the 2mo heroin binge that i think saved me from blowing my brains out in the middle of a buizy street. **** flashed through my eyes with minimal registration in that period. at some point (b4 or after the H-binge) katie asked me if i liked her "that way"...i sed yes. i dont remember if i asked her if she liked me like "that" then....eventualy her responce was that she likes me as a friend. AGRRR! thats like hitting a concrete wall at terminal velocity!
Later on I asked her to give me a chance(in a relationship)....that was at a party that i co-threw and she and her sister drove for like 2 hours to get there...i got wasted...she did too...not as bad as i did but she was ****ed up also... she sed "she'll think about it".
few times i hungout w/ her after that i pressed for the answer. i finaly got "right now i need to get my **** together first"...then she moved 7hours away for almost 3 mo (basicly the whole summer), lotsa **** happnd during that summer....i had a blast! even tho i lost my brand new car and a place to live i had a blast...i was never in town...always kiking it in diff places around midwest (US) and out of country, couch-surfing between raves. i tryed my best to 4get about katie....if it worked...it only did till i heard from her when she found me online at times.
when she finaly came back and IMed me telling me that we should hang out i was relentless to do so. second or third time we talked on AIM i basicly put her on a spot and pissed her off (not purposly...just as a sideeffect ) till she desided to skip the "idont know" routine and give me the real answer why she wouldnot give me a chance....she said "i talk too much ****" whitch she translated into "you are too vague"...that was around 10:30pm...around 11:30pm i was at her house drunk as **** and we went on a ride of my life...well it was basicly me driving on a highway in a random dirrection telling her the ****ed up story of my life (whitch she basicly wanted to hear...to get all the vaugness out of the way)....my better friends dont know more then 15-30% of that story, mostly relating to my job. she now knows around 60%...i thot that was prolly the last time i was gona hear from her(due to the content of what i tolled her)...but she sed that after me telling her all that she felt more comftable around me/she trusted me more.
I dont trust anyone. that was the rule i always went by...thats till katie showed up in my life...making it briter and gloomier at the same time. its weird...i trust her. me and her think exactly the same (she even admited that to me)....but what I always **** up on - we have different morals...like about everyday kinda **** that is different.
when she came back from her vacation she moved to another city to go to a better school. Its realy hard for me to find a car latly...i used to borrow my mom's car, but then her bf put me on a mile diet (i had certain amount of miles every week)...basicly i had enuff miles to get to katie's once a week (just over 20mles) , drive halfway home and walk the rest of the way. **** that. i rather not have a car. I can rarely get a car from jakie (friend w/ benefits and a place for me to stay at when i need it) cause she works long hours and has night shifts often . so it got realy hard for me to be able to hang out w/ katie...it sux. never the less i still tryed. we kicked it 4-5 times after she moved. i think almost evry one of those times we got ****ed up together on some mild ****.
i noticed one thing...she seemes to be uncomftable around me. that bothers me alot. it bothers me more then me not being able to look st8 at her when i'm talking...(cause 95% of time i'm driving and she is sitting nex to me). I cant stand not being to look at person's eyes when i talk to them. its sux. i loose so much valuble information about how she realy feels. eyes never lie. anyway...like i was saing - she seems uncomftable around me. its harder to sence that when we both are sober. but when we both are alterd i can clearly see that she is very tensed up. everything from th4e way she talks to her sitting posture tell me that. i eventualy confronted her about that also. she sed she truts me more after i tolled her about my past/present, BUT she still thinx i talk too much ****. she tolled me she will talk to me about that nex time we hang out. i was kinda pissed/disapointed...i mean i poured my heart and soul telling her wats up and she still thinx i talk ****...what the hell!

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

History (cont)

then came the ending chapter. i guess that was the most ****ed up realization bonded with most amazing enlightment. i was supposed to take katie to a rave. i asked her during the week and she sed she was excited to go. then i called her the day of the rave and she sed she'll be free around nine pm and we should bounce out then. it was byob&byod party. i had dibs on best batches that came into town...but thats nothing unusual. for once i had a realy good batch of shrooms offerd to me. me and katie were gona get sum of that. also she wanted some alc...i was juss gona munch **** of my friends...then i'm like ****it...i dont realy go out to parties w/ katie that often so i should sho her a good time. so i made some calls and a friend of mine was gona pick me up few cases of beer and some good vodkah...actualy it was katies fav kind...vox...for free.
i gave her a call around 8pm. she sed she had some company over and she didnt know if she could go. WHAT!!! i thot we made plans! **** it i tolled her i'd call her in 40 minutes to see if she can or can not go. i went out to pic up the alc and make a delivery. i ended up calling her in 1h 20m cause my recipient had some issues i needed to take care of ASAP. i got her voicemail. phone was definatly off. ****! i wasted over 6$ in change on a payphone. it still was off. AGRR! so i did all this **** for nothing. i was furious. i went to a party alone. kicked it for a while, got alterd w/ some of my kids. crapped out in the car for few hours. woke up. everyone was telling me that ppl were looking for me. it was kinda bothersome...i had the uneasy feeling cause everyone at the party of over 300 kids seemed to know me. some people found me (kids i was supposed to meet) and we went out to check out the abandoned airport that was few miles off in that area. i didnt even drink. party was a drag. i felt unusualy antisocial. good music. lovely light. aswome kids.
i got home next day and re-evaluated my feelings about what happnd the night b4 w/ katie. i essentialy felt that she stood me up. i tryed to do what i think works the best and tryed to put myself in her shoes. during my contemplation period she signed on to AIM and IMed me saing that she was very sorry about last night cause she fell asleep. that raised a question - why did u have yer pone off? i didnt ask her. i was being a **** and was giving her one word answers (whatever, forgetaboutit...etc).
maby less then an hour from then it hit me. i was a total *******. i was an ******* cause i went back in time and looked at all the things that i have done to katie that if they were done to me i would get furious. things like never being on time to pick her up, telling her that i will call her at some time and ether forgeting about it or calling her hours/days later. i knew she was pissed about that ****...cause like i sed earlier we think pretty much the same. i came to a conclusion that the year that i known her i was a complete ******* to her. i was wondering how she could even stand me. what the ****? what was wrong with me? i mean, i acted like a total ******* to the only person except my mom that i gave a **** of what she sed/thot/did! i was amazed at my insencitivity. i was going to meet her asap and apologize for it all. then in the back of my mind another thoughts were being born. like for instance...why didnt she show me that she was pissed at me? why didnt she not get mad at me? is it that she did but i couldnot tell? or is it that she just didnt care? somehow the second option seemed more real...and that was making me sad. seems like she never calls me up...and only time i hear from her, apart from the times i call her, is when she gets online for 3 minutes and drops me 2 sentences. i dono... i find that so impersonal.
now i guess i will try to make a fetal attempt to explain the reasons why i think i acted like an ******* to her all that time and didnt notice. as i wasnt getting anywere close to being in a relationship w/ her, and it realy didnt start out that way any way...she was what i considerd being "one of my boys". say if i juss called up one of my guy-friends and was like - "yo! what u up to bro?" "u trying to do nething tonite?" "yes? iite i'll rolly by in like 15 minutes" then over an hour later when i arive to my dudes house - "damn bro what the **** took u so long!?" *do the handshake/hug what ever* its never a big deal if i will be late rolling up to any of my dude's , but katie being a girl, thus automaticly her having a diff set of morals ontop of her having her own personal morals. for women its a realy big offence if u are late. makes u unreliable in their eyes. makes them feel like they are not important. somehow i ignored that.

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

my 6 mo program

imidiatly day after my epifany i desided that i need to re-evaluate my priorities.

i desided to cut 90% of my friends off (especialy ones i was realy close to), and withdraw my participarion in different scenes - all to help me get my **** together. i wanted to isolate my friends less because i didnt want their distraction and more cause i wanted to surprize them when i was done. Ofcourse that included katie. Hell i give her credit - as if it wasnt for her involvemnt in my life i would prolly leave this self-improvement period when somthing more drastic hapnd in my life. I left her a message the night i desided to go with my plan (3 days after she "stood me up"). when she picked up the phone i tolled her to hang up so i can call back and leave her voice mail. I ended up apologizing to her in my message about the past, i tolled her that i didnt think i was a good friend, i also tolled her that i am taking time off for myself to start a new life and that i will not be calling her for a lond while. I also made her a promice that the next time she will meet me she will be surprized as i will change drasticly, on the lighter note i promiced i will give her the CD that she wanted me to burn for her whne i will see her next. as expected she IMed me as soon as she found me online (few days later) - telling me that she thot i was a good friend, etc etc... I knew that the message left her confused as **** - so i desided to talk to her. i answered her questions on how long i might be "gone" (5-7 months was my responce), i ended up telling her that i didnt want her to IM me anymore, but she could email me....she sed that she "doesnt do emails" but she might. PFFT! I also was planing a privet party for my close friends from the rave scene to mark my retirement from the underground scene and passing on my work on to my protege. I tolled katie of the party, before i typed the rest of the message she was excited to be there. so i guess after i tollled her that i will not be invite her due to making the promice to her taht i wont see her for a while etc... she was sort of stuned and respended with "what ever, its all up to you"



basicly what my 6mo program outline is as follows:


1. quit smoking - DONE
2. make peace w/ ppl in the past - 85% DONE
3. loose my stupid accent -
4. lose my gut and get toned (hit the gym basicly) - in progress
5. get a REAL legal job - in progress
6. get a pimp car -
7. go to college and take my CCNA certs -
8. eat some shrooms -



all these things i have to get done in 6mo.

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

uxpected events

while working on "making peace with my past" i talked to a person that i stoped hanging out after a LONG period of close happy friendship. we ended up apologizing to eachother. we desided to hang out.


katie found that out.



message she sent me on AIM 4 days ago that i ignored:


katie: hey
katie: you hung out with mark yesterday but your not going to hang out with me! what the hell man
katie: hey do you know how to double space a paper?
katie: i thought it was ctrl F2
katie: but its not working
katie: whatever man



message she sent me sundaynight on AIM (i also didnt respont to it):


katie: hey
katie: whats up?
katie: i got my license finally
katie: question...
katie: why are you hanging out with mark if your not hanging out with me
katie: shiesty
katie: thats all i have to say



i feel terible, i dont want to hurt her feelings, but only resently i started getting over her (i still like her ALOT and realy wan to be with her). also i asked her not to IM me nemore, and made that clear to her. but she did IM me.



I am realy confused what to do next, my friend joe gave me the following advice:

hjsknksbm: hang out with her one last time
hjsknksbm: you starved her
hjsknksbm: c what happens
hjsknksbm: if she likes u that way she will show u


to be followed by:


hjsknksbm: u ****ed up
me: NO ****
me: i ****ed up from day one
hjsknksbm: there is no turning back for u
hjsknksbm: except for marrage or something long term there is no hope
hjsknksbm: she knows u too well
hjsknksbm: get a good job
hjsknksbm: show her that u can provide for her
hjsknksbm: and u might have a chance









what the hell should i do?!

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

duh....

i understand that i DID ALOT of things wrong!!!!
I ****ed up from day one.
I knew i was ****ing up when doing most of the **** also, but it felt so right at the time.


katie came ito my life when it was incredibly emotionaly turbulent.
majour **** was going all wrong for months b4 i met her, my best friend got killed. i was homeless for few months. i had mass loads of family problems. i was out of shape physicly and mentaly. I was wining most of the time. I just was a wrek! and having her was like having a cane for a cripled. she was a person that "vented " to. that gave her somewat of an easy access to my emotional side that is usualy deep inside on multiple vaults of unbreakable metal.


i just need other peoples opinion on my problem. i apreciate any imput.


WHAT SHOULD I DO!?


evan.


P.S.> sorry for the incredibly long post!

 

[Walden]

Re: duh....

Originally posted by Parti_Cl.e
i just need other peoples opinion on my problem. i apreciate any imput.


WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

Dude seriously I'd love to advise ya but my thesis was shorter than that.

Good luck with whatever it was.

PS Don't sell yourself on the strenght of being down-to-earth. Humility is for people who want to stay humble.

Compare "Hi I'm particle , I'm a deecent down-yo-earth guy"
with
"Hi I'm Walden and I'm so good I can give chicks orgasms by mail".

Just sayin is all.

 

[Parti_Cl.e]

hahahah

yea dude i dont blame you for not reading this, rather i comend u for droping a note.


realy its all good, i guess i realy didnt care for ppl to read this anyway ,i just wanted to type somthing that was on my mind after i swallowed few consertas - cause hell i stole a bottle of em from a totaly inosent friend of mine who asured me that indeed it was his perscription, and its that the pharmacist put wrong name lable on it


hell

lets turn thi post into "lets see if we can set a record of how many ppl will not read this " post


mine truly, Evan


P.S.> hmmm actualy come to think of it i think i was unconcheosly (sp) was trying to beat Mr fingers and his 116 holy pages of text, i think i came close tho...

 

[squirrels]

Re: hahahah

Originally posted by Parti_Cl.e

lets turn thi post into "lets see if we can set a record of how many ppl will not read this " post

+1.

First note: If you HAD to post 5 posts-worth of crud on this ONE girl situation, you're taking it way too seriously. Lose the drama, get over yourself, and relax. Then try again.